Monday, November 3, 2008

When You Cheat on a Cheater, Should You Confess

Dear Zane,

If you found out your mate cheated, but you cheated too, in order to move on, would you tell them all you'd done?

I've been dating this guy for about 10 months, and before that we were friends for a few yrs. I found out in Sept that shortly after he moved overseas (2months), he began cheating. It was an ongoing thing that lasted (he says) until August. I found out b/c I checked his email and she'd sent him an email confessing her love for him but saying she knew he was in love with me and didn't feel the same. I'm hurt, of course, by it, and thinking of giving him another chance, for many reasons, but one to include that I cheated on him. I slept with an old friend, my daughter's father, and had my first female-female experience. I haven't told him. He says if I cheated, he wouldn't want to know, but that if he found out, he'd be equally as pissed. I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm any better than him, although it bothers me most that he was practically 'dating' this other girl for 5 months.

In the spirit of us trying to work on things, do you think I should come clean? Or is this something that I should keep to myself and just vow to do better?

Signed,
Also a Cheater

Dear Also a Cheater,

You should tell him the truth, especially since you slept with the father of your child. That man is going to be around for your entire life and it could easily slip out, if he ever gets mad at you. The first thing out of his mouth will be to tell—or brag—to your new man that he slept with you. While there are different degrees of cheating, the end result means that someone cannot be trusted. I agree that he was actually in another relationship for several months with someone else and you need to think long and hard on that one. Fucking someone else one night is one thing but allowing someone else to develop feelings and engaging in consistent cheating means that he will most likely do it again. You should tell him you slept with another woman as well. Get it all out, then there is nothing for you to get caught up with later.

Honestly, the behavior on both of your parts speaks volumes about your relationship. Why are you together? I think that is a question the two of you need to sit down and answer together, possibly with a counselor because if both of you are cheating now, what will happen down the road? This does not seem like a healthy relationship. In fact, it sounds toxic and many people stay in toxic relationships for years—or even decades—thinking that things will change. Face reality; is this what you really want in your life?

Blessings,
Zane

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