Sunday, November 9, 2008

Wanting It and Not Getting It

Dear Zane,

I am a fan of your books and love the advice you give others. I am in what I consider to be an unusual situation. I have a friend, who is tall, very handsome, intelligent and with a great personality. He has admitted being attracted to me, but there are two things that are holding him back from sleeping with me.One, he has had problems with women "catching feelings" and becoming attached, even though he claims he made it clear to them that there was nothing going on but sex.Another thing: he is a former minister who left the church because he is questioning his faith and whether or not he really believed what he was teaching. He said during that time he was in the church, he behaved himself most of the time, but he was no angel 100% of the time. But old habits die hard. He is used to having self-control.He says, "No sex, no problems." He said this a few months ago, and I realize he really means that, because he makes sure he is not behind closed doors with me, alone, but in public settings.I realize that to maintain our friendship, I need to respect his feelings and not pressure him. But in all honesty, I feel like it's a role reversal...the female pursuing a man who is reluctant. But nobody ever talks about men living a celibate lifestyle. Is this more common than we know, or have I come across just a very rare specimen of man?Anyway, you have my permission to use this letter as a blog, just don't use my online identity. Just call me....

Wanting It and Not Getting It

Dear Wanting It and Not Getting It,

You are in an unusual situation but ironically, one of the main characters on my television show is dealing with the same thing: a man who refuses to have sex because of past issues. That is a role reversal from the norm, which is why I put in the show. Like the character Eboni on “Zane’s Sex Chronicles,” you have a decision to make. You cannot force him to do something that he does not want to do so you can either continue with the platonic relationship and hope that it leads to more someday or you can decide to be friends only with him and move on to have your needs met elsewhere. That is your choice because people have different levels of sexual needs. Some women can go years…decades…without sex and others are hard pressed to make it three days.
What I am not clear on is whether or not you and he are actually dating. I know that you spend time with him but I spend time with several men on a regular basis and they are clearly friends, all of who are attractive, smart, and a good catch but not for me. Unless you and he have clearly defined that you are dating but not having sex, then you certainly cannot make any demands on him. In fact, you should not do that at all. If and when he is ready to be with you intimately, he will let you know. He is not a virgin and he realizes what he has decided to forsake and he might just be going through some things that he needs to sort out before engaging in love making. To insist that he do it now might lead to bigger problems down the road. Enjoy him but do not have expectations.


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