Can Abuse Make Me Lose My Desire For Sex?

Dear Zane,

First off, let me say I love your books. I love to read adult romance books. It seems the only thing that gets me excited besides porn. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, sex isn't for me, I don't think. What I'm about to tell you only three others know but I need some help. I want to feel like a woman, like you speak about in your latest book, where your fans wrote letters and you wrote back and I haven't found a situation like mine. I thank God no one else had to go through what I did but you give great advice and I terribly need it.

I'm 22 years old, an Aquarius, and I love to write poetry (if you read some of my blogs you will see). I'm a country girl through and through and I love caramel and chocolate men and women. I'm bi-curious; more comfortable around men when discussing personal things, and I love to watch porn and sports. My dad was murdered by my mother when I was just two years of age, and I was isolated from my dad's family(my brother and sister; both half), aunts, uncles, and cousins.Ever since birth, my mother has or has allowed abuse in every way. When I was two, she killed my dad in front of me; although I knew nothing of the sort but that's what his brothers and sisters told me when I first met them at 18.I then learned, at age five, one my cousins saw my mother push me off a couch while I was sleeping. I had dreams where I go asleep on a bed or couch and wake up on the floor with a bruise on my head or with a headache and they say dreams link from past or future or even present.At age eight, I was molested by my 58-year-old babysitter. He didn't have a dick; it was cut off in the war and he kept it. He was my babysitter for a year and never tried anything. But he hurt me so bad I can't have kids till this day. I lived in a small ass town where not even before you busted your nut that they knew who you were doing. Everyone was against me, even after they knew about the medical evidence and his child came up in court to say he did the same thing to her. Anyway, she acted as though she was the perfect mother. I later found out she told everyone that I was making it up. I became anorexic and bulimic, weighing 90 lbs. in the 3rd grade, my mother made me feel fat. I was her personal slave and a punching bag. She knew what to say and how to push things.

Before even entering adolescent years, I had low self esteem; so low that I wanted to die. I almost tore my esophagus up. I was anorexic/bulimic up to 7th grade, my hair fallen out was too evidential and I later became a self mutilator. At 17, I was raped; only I didn't know I was raped. Always thought rape was when you said no and someone pressed it anyways, but I later found out when I was diagnosed with PTSD that you can get raped mentally as well. From 6th grade up to 10th grade practically every birthday from 16-19, I was in and out of hospitals every year, self mutilating, drinking oven cleaner, pills on top of pills; pretty much everything but each time I woke up by the grace of God.

I divorced my mother at age 18 and moved in with my old babysitter; he was alright at first but then he turned into my mother after a triple bypass surgery; mentally abusing me, leaving me in fear and thinking I'm only good when working fast food, shoveling shit, or laying my legs down for the rest of my life that would all I be. So at age 19, I left home and went to church one night and never came back. With only the clothes I had on and a few items like pictures and id, I stayed with a few friends, then later lived in a shelter for a few months till I got introduced into job corps back in Kentucky, where I later transferred to TCU in DC.

Thought things were going good and my past was left behind, but like my life when things get good, something or someone comes along and brings the storm. My mother found out what school I was in and called; luckily my RA heard the shit she said, saying she killed my dad because she loved me and he was trying to kill me when it was vice versa and crap and told her to leave me be. If that wasn't bad enough I kept getting sexually assaulted at school. One guy would touch me in a certain way, one made me give head to him in the theatre. My 21st b-day, feb 11th, I got raped by one of my other so called friends, then raped again by another so called friend in March of last year, then again in March 2008 but no one knows about the March of this year, which is funny. I was molested in March 96.Sex just isn't for me. Could you please give me advice? I'm afraid my mother and all of my so called friends have made me not desire sex.

Signed,
In Dire Need of Help


Dear In Dire Need of Help,

I do not even know where to begin. I read your email over and over again and you are a strong young lady and I will keep you in my prayers. It does not take a rocket scientist to realize that all of the molestation that you have endured in your past has caused you to feel uncomfortable and turned off when it comes to sex. All of your offenders need to be up underneath a jail and not out walking around free.

Your mother is nothing short of disgusting. I get angry when I think about any woman who could mistreat any child, rather less her own. I am going to assume that she somehow got away with killing your father and it may or may not have been for a legitimate reason but her treatment of you should have landed her behind bars. For her to say that you were lying about the babysitter abusing you shows that she is not mentally stable.

As for your babysitter, if I understand you correctly, you later went and moved in with him? Many victims grow attached to their abusers and if that was the case with you, then I am truly sorry. You need help and not the kind that I can give you via email. If you email me privately at endeavors@aol.com, I will try to find you some real help to cope with your situation but you have to be willing to accept it and open up about what has happened.

Please do not hurt yourself anymore, either by drinking oven cleaner or self-mutilation. That is not going to solve anything and the world needs you. You have been through so much and survived and that means that you are here for a reason. Let's find out what that is.

Blessings,
Zane