Saturday, November 15, 2008

Ready to Give Up on Marriage

Dear Zane,

Here is my dilemma....I have been married for 4 years and have an almost 2 year old hubby provides financially (due to working a lot and not spending time with the family) and as a "brother type" friend but not sexually. I feel we are disconnected. I have voiced my concerns and he has tried but it’s not working. I’ve been friends with my high school sweetheart throughout my life but recently I told him that I’ve always loved him. He said the same thing. (He is divorced and a single father of 3). That day we crossed the lines and I have been seeing him every month (oh, I forgot to say I moved to the Midwest 5 years ago to be with my hubby but I am from the West Coast) I fly every month to be with this man and am thinking about getting a divorce. (oh and I forgot to say that I hate the Midwest. I have no friends or family and I am isolated to only my hubby, his family, and my job). I presented the idea of moving to the West Coast to my hubby but he is not willing to move. I want to move to be closer to my friends and family and with my hubby not willing to move I have put up a barrier between us. What do you think about that? I really need help (oh I’ve been to counseling and it didn’t work).

Ready to Move On

Dear Ready to Move On,

You have many issues and since you have been through counseling, are already cheating and in love with another man, hate where you live and feel isolated, there is not much that I can add except that you need to make the break with your husband as clean and amicable as possible and pray he does not find out about the other man before the ink of the divorce papers is dry. The major issue if your child and the fact that you want to move from the Midwest to the West Coast. He may not be open to that and courts can be very tricky. Without a very good reason, they may insist that you stay in the state so he can have visitation rights. You need to find out the legal grounds for divorce in your state and seek legal guidance. Unless he has done something to you, it may be hard to be granted a divorce and you do not want him divorcing you on grounds of adultery and seeking full custody of the child.

Let me be extremely blunt about something though. Do not leave your husband because of the other man. Only leave if you feel you cannot work things out with him. That other man, high school sweetheart or not, is engaged in an affair with you and right now it is on a monthly basis. Everything might change if you show up on his doorstep with your child trying to set up a happy home. In fact, you need to chill on the affair and get your life in order, no matter how hard it will be to stay away from the other man.


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