The Other Woman

Dear Zane,

I have a friend whom I've been sexually involved with for 6 years off and on. Our relationship began because he was cheating on his girlfriend. I know as a woman who has been cheated on, that it was wrong. But, at the time in my life I truly didn't care. I saw him as an unsatisfied man, who needed sexual pleasure as much as I did. And, I wasn't looking to make him my man. It was just sex!

But, as weeks turned into months, and months into years, something else began to happen. We began hanging out and loving that we had so much in common, as well as not wanting to commit to one another. Bottom line; it was fun! We ended up unwillingly separating for about 4 years. Just recently we reconnected and it feels like we never left each other. But, again, he's in another relationship.

That doesn't stop us from seeing each other. He says he wishes I was around before he began this relationship, so he could be with me. He feels it's unfair to leave her for me. "It wouldn't be right," he says. Huh, my thoughts to that are, "What we are doing isn't right". But, I continue because I crave this man. I'm a 26 and he's 36. I've always been the dominate one in my relationships. But, when I'm with him he has the control and it's refreshing. Finally, a man. All my relationships have been with boys.So here's the story. Just a week ago he calls me and asked me did I send his girl a note on MySpace (he is calm in his tone and sweet when he asked). I told him I would never do that (I can hear her in the back yelling). So, he says hold on and she gets on the phone. (I'm confused about what's about to happen at this point) She begins by saying, “I got this message from you” (which is a lie) and she begins to read a private note I wrote him.....I couldn't believe it! It was my note (full of details about past encounters between us).

I'm screaming inside, asking myself "why didn’t he delete it?" So, we were caught. But, I couldn't confirm that it was true. She just kept asking me, "Is this true?" I just said "No". :( He gets back on the phone; I told him it wasn't me. And, he says he believes me (while she's right there), he continues by saying someone has gotten into his account so don't worry about it. And, the conversation ends. I'm sitting there wondering what just happened and reality hits. "It's over!" But he tells me the next day that we have to stop seeing each other (which I expected) but, that he still loves me and it's just for awhile. "Till things cool down," is what he says.

Now, I'm missing my good friend, but even more confused than ever. Zane, I love this man, but I don't want to wait (I've been waiting too long all ready). Why wouldn't he just leave her and come to me? Or, leave me and stay with her? He would always say, "you have kids, and I don't want to come into your life without anything to offer." Could that be why he won't commit to me? Do I let him go and hope he comes around when he's single, so we can begin this the right way? Or am I being played for a fool?

Sincerely,
The Other Woman


Dear The Other Woman,

You are being played for a fool. The question is not why he won’t leave her and come to you or leave you alone and stay with her. Both of you are allowing him to do whatever the hell he wants. She is stupid for staying with him after she found irrefutable evidence that he is cheating with you and you are stupid for giving up your pussy out of both sides of your drawers for years to a man who does not give a shit about you. I hate to be so harsh but you need a serious wake up call.

You cannot let someone go that you have never had and he has never been yours. You have been his, to use and abuse at his beck and call. For him to tell you that you have to cool off for awhile so he can straighten out his shit, is crazy. No, you do not need to deal with him. Not today, not next year, not the next century. Even if he ends up available, do not ever entertain giving him the time of day. You have kids to think about and you are risking your life, YOUR LIFE, by dealing with him.

He is never going to make a real commitment to you or anyone. He is in his mid-thirties and playing twenty-year-old games. Any man who is still a pussy hound at that age will never stop.

Blessings,
Zane