Saturday, November 15, 2008

When Your Child Has Two Fathers

Dear Zane,

First off, I would like to congratulate you on all your success. I am a big fan. I’m writing you because I would like some advice. I am 23 years old, I have an 8 month old daughter and I am engaged to a great man. The thing is my life has been kind of crazy regarding my current relationship. I met my fiancé online, we had been chatting for about 2 years, and I felt that I wanted to explore different options being that I live in NYC and he lives in the Dominican Republic. I fell in love with the way he treated me and spoke to me. I was a virgin when I met him and I had told him my first time would be with him, but I met someone here and I had a baby by this guy.

Breaking the news to my fiancé was not easy but I explained to him that this guy did not want anything to do with the baby and asked me to have an abortion, which really hurt. My fiancé has actually taken full responsibility for my daughter and no one knows the truth; except for our families. Now a year has gone by and my daughter's biological father has contacted me, he is unaware that my baby is his and believes it’s my fiancé’s baby. I sometimes want to tell him the truth but I know it would break my fiancé’s heart since he's already going to give my daughter his last name. My daughter's biological father was in prison which I did not know since he had disappeared from my life and keeps sending me emails about how he misses me and wants to be with me. Deep down I know it’s all bullshit because he knows I have a good job and my own place and I feel he wants to take advantage of this but I kind of feel sorry for him. I don’t know what to do with this situation and I am in need of advice.** Please keep this confidential, you can post it on your blog but do not reveal my identity.Thanks, I hope to hear from you soon.

Signed,Unsure of what to do

Dear Unsure of What to Do,

Lies beget more lies and there are many reasons why you have to be honest about the biological father of your child. Your daughter could get sick one day and medical history could play a major part, for one thing. Then there is simply the right thing to do morally. While we all wish certain things could be different in our lives, it is what it is and he is the father and not your fiancé. The biggest hurdle is over. Your fiancé knows the deal and has accepted the fact that he was not your first, that you got pregnant by someone else and he loves your daughter and plans to marry you anyway.

Feeling sorry for “Mr. Disappearing” is foolish. Tell him the truth about the child. Chances are he might disappear again if he thinks he has to pay child support. Even if he decides to be a part of his daughter’s life, you need to stay the hell away from him. To risk a good, loving relationship for someone who tried to demand that you abort his baby is insane. He is running a good game on you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you are tempted to make a huge mistake. Do not or you will regret it.

You need to tell him the truth like yesterday. Your family knows and the only true secret is one that no one else knows but you, thus it is not a secret. Someone will blurt it out, either by accident or out of spite, and then where will you be left.


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