Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Trying to Have Feelings

Dear Zane,

I was introduced to your books a few months ago and I must say that I am completely hooked. I think that I have a problem so let’s see how you can best advise me. I am 30 and I have a 3-year-old. Her father and I are living together but he works on a cruise ship and he is away for 7-8 months a year. I am not feeling the same way about him as he does me. When he is away, I do not miss him at all. He is a great person and he takes care of us in every way but I do not think that I am in love with him. I want this to work between us so please tell me what to do. I forgot to tell you. I think that I am still in love with my ex but that is a long story so let’s see how this goes first.

Signed,
Trying to Have Feelings

Dear Trying to Have Feelings,

Here is the problem. You cannot separate the two situations and see how one goes before you tackle the other one. We cannot control our feelings, no matter how hard we try. You have stronger feelings for your ex than your current man and that may or may not change. Knowing nothing about your past situation, I cannot speculate on that other than it is obvious that things did not work out. It is very difficult to rekindle something that has ended and if you do, it is even harder to ensure that what went wrong the first time will not go wrong again in the future.

I have a lot of friends who have mates that travel for work a lot and most of them are stressed out when their men are home. They are so used to being “free” and hanging out with others and not being tied down in the physical sense that when they are together, it seems stifling. Realizing that you want things to work because he is the father of your child, ask yourself one question. Would you want him to remain in a relationship with you knowing that his feelings are not sincere? If you cannot answer “yes” to that question, then you need to seriously evaluate things.

Parents do not have to stay together because of the kids because ultimately, if the family unit is dysfunctional, it can often cause more harm than good. They will sense your resentment toward each other, they will sense the lack of emotion, and they will grow up believing that is what love is all about.

Blessings,
Zane

Sunday, January 25, 2009

A Prayer for Xavier

It is with a heavy heart that I ask for everyone’s prayers this Sunday morning. Yesterday, Xavier Byers, the 12-year-old son of one of my friends, was hit by a car while riding his bicycle in Kannapolis, North Carolina. After being airlifted to the trauma center in Charlotte, Xavier is now on life support and fighting for his life.

The senior citizen who hit him needs your prayers as well, as it was unintentional and my cousin prayed with him on the scene. Xavier and his friend were riding their bicycles without helmets and had he been wearing one, he would not be suffering from a swollen brain. His leg is broken in two places and his lung is bruised but his head would not be in the condition that it is in. They think that he will eventually start breathing on his own again and he does have brain activity but morphine has him highly sedated.

This reminded me of something that happened when my own son was about the same age. He and one of his friends, Kozar, decided that it was okay to ride around our neighborhood without helmets. Before they even made it off our cul-de-sac, Kozar was hit by a car and had to be airlifted to the hospital as well in Maryland. He was very lucky but broke his femur and had to remain out of school for the year and learn to walk again.

I will never forget coming home from work and finding my son sitting on the edge of the circle in tears. His exact words were, “I never thought it would happen.”

My point is that we as parents have to ensure that our children know how important it is to wear protective gear. While we cannot be enforcers and be with them every second, we must press upon the seriousness of it. We all think our children know better—I did—but they need constant reminders. Had it not been for my son braking to put something in his pocket, he would have been the lead person out in the street that day.

Please pray for Xavier and all the other children in the world. As spring approaches, remember that safety comes first; whether the kids are roaming free throughout the neighborhood or in our own yards.

Blessings,
Zane

Monday, January 12, 2009

When Your Man Begs the Other Woman to Stay

Dear Zane,

I am 25 yrs old, and an educated beautiful black woman. I have been with my man for 7yrs. I love him so much; however, I have caught him cheating several times. The last time I caught him with her and he begged her not to go and completely dismissed me. The next day he said he was sorry and we spent the holidays together like we were okay. However I am still very hurt, it has destroyed my self esteem. I am not close to my family, and I feel I have no one but him. I love him but I know I don't need him. How do I get past this? Every day I think about it I get sick and just want to die. I've never imagined life without him. He is coping very well, and I am the one losing sleep. Please help me.

It’s bigger than him cheating; it has destroyed my self-worth.

Signed,
Please Help

Dear Please Help,

You are literally sacrificing your life for someone else’s happiness. You and your man are in a toxic relationship. He cannot be allowed to have a limitless stack of “get out of jail free” cards. He is a consummate cheater and has no respect for you, or probably even for himself. He has not gotten to the point that men need to reach in order to keep their dicks in their pants. He has not figured out that he is the type of man that should disgust even him.

He is with you probably for the same reasons you are with him; for convenience. He is a comfort zone for you and vice versa; yet there are constant lies and betrayal on his behalf. I understand not being close to your family but you are still entitled to have a life. It will probably be the hardest thing that you have ever done, walking away from him, but if you do not, he will continue to suck the life right out of you—intentionally or unintentionally. He is obviously not willing to change, or he would have already. For him to beg another woman to stay, after being with you for seven years, had to be heart-breaking. I wish you nothing but the best but victory begins with yourself and your own actions. I would hate to see you wake up ten years from now feeling the same way. You are still young and you have a chance to be happy. Take it.

Blessings,
Zane

When You Fall In Love With a Friend

Dear Zane,

I need some advice from you. Hopefully, you can help me out. I am in love with a friend. We've known each other for about three years now. We practically know each other's life stories. I've met her mother, sisters, aunt, grandmother and some of her friends. She has met the majority of my family and some of my friends as well. We've never been intimate.

I've expressed my feelings towards her and she told me that she loved me. We've visited each other in the hospital. (She was injured on the job and I had pneumonia). She even got into an argument with my ex-girlfriend over the phone regarding me. However, she always introduces me as her friend. I asked her about a potential relationship. She said that she had been hurt in the past and said that she had trust issues. She wants to remain single and just date right now.

Is this her way of saying that she's not interested in me or is she just not ready for a relationship? I would like to thank you for helping me with this matter. I will be anxiously awaiting your response.

Signed,
Wanting to Be in the Know

Dear Wanting to Be in the Know,

There could be various reasons why she is saying that. First off, she may be completely honest in stating that she is not ready for a relationship. I have been there many times myself. It takes a wise man or woman to realize that they are not in a good enough place to involve someone else in their lives. We all have to take time to heal from the past but most people do not; they jump from relationship to relationship when they are not relationship material.

It could also be that she does not have romantic feelings toward you and only wants to remain friends but cannot bring herself to tell you the truth. Either way, you have to respect her wishes. If she comes to a place where she feels that something can happen between you, then she will tell you. Unless that happens, you have to accept her decisions. You two did not meet under the understanding that a relationship was trying to blossom so there cannot be an automatic shift in the scenario without two willing parties.

Blessings,
Zane

Baby Father Drama

Dear Zane,

I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months but we've known each other for about 6 years. To make a long story short, we went together, I moved in because my mother kicked me out (Not because I was with him) and now I am back at my mother's house because he did not want to deal with my "attitude." I guess he didn't like the fact that I would stick up for myself if I did not want to do everything he wanted me to do.

Well, now a couple weeks after moving out, I find out I am 2 months pregnant, by him of course. When I tell him, he is upset because he already has a son, by someone else. His baby’s mother came to me because he lied to her and said that he and I have only had sex once and it was with a condom. Now, I don't know about you but I don't know anyone who lives with their boyfriend for 3 months and only has sex once. Most of the time, when we had sex, it was unprotected, which was partially my fault.

Anyway, he told his other baby’s mother that it may not be his and that I am trying to stir up drama by talking to his other baby’s mother. Which I am not, she came to me because she felt he was lying to her and she did not know about me being pregnant. This is when I found out that she is also pregnant but at 7 months. So basically he is going to have 3 children. With him claiming that it might not be his and that he won't be around me or come to see me and all, do you think that I should allow him to give my child a middle name?

See, he is from Africa and I think that it would be hard to pronounce some of these types of names and on top of that he has been acting like a jerk since this whole thing began. I feel if he is not going to at least be around the child when it is born and then take care of it, the least he can do is give me the benefit of naming the child whatever I want. I am not keeping him away but he said "If I can’t give the baby part of its name, I won’t be there at all." I think he is being ignorant but I want my child to have an American name or something that is cute. After all, we aren't married or together anymore. What do you think I should do about this?

Signed,
Baby father drama

Dear Baby Father Drama,

Since you have known this man for six years, in some capacity, I cannot accuse you of dealing with a stranger and then getting what you get. In fact, I know many women, including myself, who got involved with men they have known their entire lives and then were in for great surprises. What you have in this case is a want to be player. He is not a real player because a real player has numerous women who are all aware of the real deal. He is playing both you and the other woman and, by refusing to practice safe sex, is building a village of kids that will grow up with an asshole as a father.

Do not blame the other woman because she is just as na├»ve as you. He has led you both to believe that you are “the one,” until now since he has gotten busted. I am sure that you did not know that he was still sleeping with the mother of his child and that she was pregnant again until all of the proverbial shit hit the fan.

He is a liar, pure and simple and if she was crazy enough to believe that he was living with you for several months and not sleeping with you, then that is on her. Maybe he was not even truthful about living with you. Who knows at this point? You need to prepare yourself for the fact that this man will probably have to be forced to pay child support and may or may not be in your child’s life. It was a mistake to have unprotected sex with him but hindsight is 20-20 and you are far from alone. Now you have to make the best of a bad situation. The main thing is not to allow him to stress you out during your pregnancy because that can have a harmful effect on the child you are carrying. I would not decide on the middle name scenario until you see what he does for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Blessings,
Zane

Not Trying to be a 24-Hour Buffet

Dear Zane,

My man loves eating my pussy. In public, while I am sleeping, even after he fucks me and then he goes straight to sleep. I have never sucked his dick, not once. I am getting tired of my pussy being eaten. What should I do?

Signed,
Not Trying to Be a 24-Hour Buffet

Dear Not Trying to Be a 24-Hour Buffet,

What you should do is speak up for yourself and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that it is not turning you on. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. A lot of women would probably scoff at your email and say you are lucky but honestly, I know how you feel and if it continues, you might be turned off from men going down on you for several years to come. Be flattered in a way that he thinks you are so delectable but he is going too far. He has an obsession and you are not trying to get down like that. Everything is cool in moderation but you have to let him know that you need a break.

Blessings,
Zane

Should You Start Acting Like A Porn Star When Your Man Is Halfway Across the Globe?

Dear Zane,

I am a 28 year old military wife. My husband has been deployed for almost a year now. And in this past year I have discovered my sexual side. Like, I have really discovered it. I always knew that I had more to offer my husband but I was too scared to try new things. Because in the past he has wondered why I would not take the first steps to wanting to have sex. Truthfully, I told him that I need romance and not just sex. He has yet to show me his romantic side.

We recently started to not see eye to eye because of me wanting to inform him of the many things I want to do to him and with him when he returns. The responses that I have been getting were more than I expected. He tells me that he isn't into blind folding and a lot of other things that I want to do. Granted, it’s not just about me. And I am willing to do anything this man wants me to do and more. And I have expressed those very words to him. So I decided to take another approach and seek out his fantasies. He told me that he doesn't have any. For some reason, that was hard for me to believe. Recently, I remembered that as a child he had been abused and that could have a lot to do with how he feels.

How do I seek out trying new things with my husband without making him feel uncomfortable?

Thank you.

Signed,
Military Heat Seeker

Dear Military Heat Seeker,

I am going to go out on a limb here. I do not think that the things are you stating that you want to do to him are making him feel uncomfortable. After all, he has wondered why you have not been more aggressive in the past. My guess is, and I believe it to be a good one, is that he is concerned about this whole freaky side coming out of you while he is deployed. When people are at war, all sorts of things go through their minds, including what their mates are doing back at home, in their warm beds, while they are halfway across the planet fighting to stay alive.

Even when men are not at war, they tend to have issues with women who are sexually uninhibited. All men say they want a woman like that but if they are lucky enough to find one, they tend to spend a lot of time and energy wondering why a woman knows so much about sex and who else she has done certain things with.

I would refrain from all of the sexual experimental talk for now because honestly, what can he do about it when he is not at home. Do not give him emotional ammunition to start inventing delusional scenarios in his head. Look at it this way. If your husband, who is deployed, all of a sudden started expressing interest in sexual things that he has never mentioned to you—his wife—before, what would run through your head. Make you list of things you want to do upon his return but keep it to yourself. Tell him you love him, you miss him and cannot wait to be with him but acting like the second coming of Vanessa Del Rio while he is nowhere around is not going to help matters.

Blessings,
Zane

Are There Different Levels to Friends with Benefits?

Dear Zane,

What are your feelings on friends with benefits? I have four friends that have benefits. I try not to allow my feelings to get in to way because when I do, I always get my feelings hurt. My main friend, the one that I have sex with a lot, has started to act like we are a couple. And he wants to introduce different sexual experiences into our sex life, which is fine but I am starting to feel that somewhere the friends with benefits line has been crossed and we are on different levels.

We are now talking about living together and, in a roundabout way, he told me that he loved me. When he said it, I had to ask him twice and then he covered it up by saying “all over you." Also we don't practice safe sex; even when we had sex for the first time, it was unprotected. I know that I am putting myself in harm's way. But protection is something we both don't bring up. Are there different levels to being friends with benefits? Or I am reading too much in this?

Signed,
Friend with the benefits, I think?

Dear Friends with the benefits, I think,

I am still trying to get past you having unprotected sex with a man that you only wanted as a fuck buddy. You are not putting yourself in harm’s way. Putting yourself in harm’s way is driving fifteen miles over the speed limit, riding a bicycle without a helmet, or trying to knock down a hornet’s nest with your shoe. You are risking your life and the lives of many others, since you said that you have four friends with benefits. Even if you are using a condom with the rest of them, I seriously doubt that you are using protection during oral sex, or even kissing, with everyone.

If you do not have serious feelings for him then why would you even be discussing living together? It seems to me like you are very young for a few reasons. You are having sex with a bunch of people on a regular basis instead of finding one man who can actually satisfy you. You are not practicing safe sex. Lastly, you are acting like you have no say in the relationships that you are in. It is not about what a man wants solely; it is about what you both want. If you do not want to be in a committed relationship, tell him today. Do not lead him on by participating in conversations about shacking up.

As for there being different levels to friends with benefits, I would say no, but what can happen is two people not being on the same page. Does he know about your other friends? Do they know about him? He might actually think you are in a relationship, while you are simply playing games. What you need to do is some serious soul-searching and decide is A)any man’s dick is worth dying for and B)what you are seeking from these people, if you are not seeking love.

Blessings,
Zane