Sunday, December 28, 2008

How Do You Leave The Past in the Past

Dear Zane,

I know it will probably take forever, but I have a question that I would like your opinion on and your subscribers’ opinions. Is it possible to ever REALLY trust your partner, or are we just so paranoid from past hurts that we're always looking for signs that the other shoe's about to fall? I have a great man, who works hard, and does right by me and my 3 kids (who are not his). He has always been completely honest with me since we met 5 years ago and were just friends. I have seen him in relationships with women and he was always 100% with them. Now we're in a relationship.

We don't live together (he does stay over sometimes) and we are committed to each other but taking things slow. Both of us have been hurt severely in our past, and there are a lot of walls still up between us, however we are trying to work through those together. My question comes in because I get insecure when he's away, my fears from past hurts come in and even though he will even call and check in with me to reassure me (because I have talked to him about my trust issues), I still have a hard time trusting him.

We have talked about moving in together, but I am worried that unless he is with me 24/7, my insecurities will ruin this and I` don't want that kind of relationship. I want it to be healthy and honest and the kind where we can be together and love each other without feeling like we have to be up under each other 24/7. I feel it is healthy to have your own life outside of your partner where you can go out with the guys without worrying that the other will wonder who and what you've been doing and vice versa.

Signed,
How do you leave the past in the past?

Dear How Do You Leave The Past in the Past,

You have a very common issue. The world is full of damaged people inflicting pain on other damaged people. Believe it or not, you have an advantage in your current situation. What I mean is that because you were friends for many years first, you had the opportunity to see how well he treated other women before you. That is almost like winning the lottery. Most of us only get to hear the man’s version of how he treated other women and not witness it ourselves or hear the previous woman’s outlook.

It is like this. I know you’re scared. I know you’re apprehensive. But give the man a chance. You are already in a relationship with him. He seems to be bending over backwards to reassure you that he loves you and is committed to you. By moving in together, the only thing that can happen-or should happen-is more comfort on your part. I get what you are saying. Right now, you are not laying in the bed at night waiting for the key to turn in the lock or peeping out windows on the lookout for his car lights. You fear that if you live together, your behavior will become obsessive when it comes to clocking his every movement.

You deserve to be happy but victory begins with you and you should find it within yourself to give yourself a chance at true love. Every man before him was not him. I encourage you to open up your heart and take a chance.

Blessings,
Zane

When Your Child's Other Parent Is Jealous of You

Dear Zane,

I want to know if you ever came across a man who admits to his baby’s momma that he is extremely jealous of her? My baby’s father and I broke up seven months ago and he called me up tonight and told me the reason he flips out when we have a disagreements, starts calling me all kinds of names and makes me feel worthless is because he is extremely jealous because my son and I have a strong bond. My son cries with him because he left me when my son was six months old. I don’t know; that’s weird for him to say that he is jealous of me. What do you think?

Signed,
Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

I have never really thought about it but in actuality, it probably happens quite often. If a man leaves his woman and children for the proverbial greener pastures, he has made the decision not to be there full-time with his family. Thus, for a man to expect his relationship to be as strong as the one with the mother is kind of ridiculous; especially when the child is still an infant or toddler.

He may also be on the attack because he realizes that he would have been better off staying put, being a committed man to you, and a live-in father. If you have managed to make it without him, that is probably even more of an issue. Some men think that if they leave, the sky will somehow fall in the woman’s life and she will feel like she is being punished. Rarely is that the case.
At least he admitted it and now my only suggestion is that you try to encourage him to spend more time with the child so he can get used to him.

Blessings,
Zane

When You Suspect Your Man Is An Undercover Brother

The below advice question brings up a valid discussion. Do you believe that you should judge your mate by the company they keep? If your man has a gay friend, does that make him suspect? If your woman has a lesbian friend, does that mean she might be bumping coochies behind your back? If your man’s best friend is the biggest pitbull/manwhore on the planet, do you think your man might be similar in nature?

Dear Zane,

I need advice on my current relationship. I have been dating this man for close to a year now, and things have been great. This comes from a woman who is used to being with doggish men, thugs, men who lack ambition, those who cheat, are physically and mentally abusive, and are insecure. To sum it all up, I have been with just about every kind of bad guy out there.
Anyway, this new guy I'm dating, he's the total opposite. He's so sweet and understanding. Compliments me all the time, spoils me, and isn't the least bit insecure. I'm used to being with men who get jealous about the stupidest things, but this man trusts me and wants me to dress sexy every now and then. He's a great lover, has no kids, but seems like he would be the greatest father, husband, and provider. He's so respectful and treats me like a queen. He treats me so good that I'm almost uncomfortable! I feel like God has answered my prayers, because I've been hopeless for so long.

The problem is, I'm afraid he may be an undercover brother. No, he doesn't act feminine. No, he doesn't really do anything "gay," but I'm somewhat bisexual and once upon a time have lived a "gay" lifestyle. I've been around so many lesbians and gay men that my gay radar is on point. He knows that I used to like women and doesn't have a problem with that, but knows that I no longer desire to live that lifestyle.

What makes me think he may be undercover is the fact that one of his friends has feminine tendencies, and I'm not used to straight men hanging around "suspect" men. My boyfriend's friend is very nice to me, though; doesn't act jealous about our relationship and encourages me to invite my female friends out so we can double date. Of course my friends aren't interested, but you get what I'm saying. Am I wrong for suspecting that my boyfriend may be undercover because his friend has feminine tendencies? I'm so tired of dealing with these no-good men, and now that I've finally found one I like, who goes through great lengths to make me happy, I'm soooo scared that he may be something I wouldn't want to deal with. Help!

Signed,
Suspect My Man is An Undercover Brother


Dear Suspect My Man is An Undercover Brother,

This is actually a very good question and one that I have not run across before in more than ten years of giving advice. They do say that birds of a feather flock together and I have often been asked if a woman is dating a man who is roommates with a manwhore, does that mean their man is a whore too. This is a bit different.

If your only reason for suspecting that your man might be bisexual is because he has a feminine acting friend, I would not call that a legitimate reason to suspect anything. I have no idea who long they have been friends but if it has been a long time, he may have become friends with him before any of that came into play. i.e., if they grew up together. You would not want him to disown or not befriend someone because of their sexual orientation; especially since you used to be with women.

The confusion comes in with him going out on double dates with your friends. To be honest, I know a lot of feminine acting men that I would have to catch with their dicks rammed up another man’s ass to believe they are gay. Some men are very metrosexual and they are mistaken for being gay. Now if your gay radar is working overtime and this is your man, then no one spends more time with him than you. I really do not know what to tell you but will be interested in what others have to say.

Blessings,
Zane

When Your Man Cannot Hit From The Window to the Wall

Dear Zane,

I have a boyfriend that isn't packing and at first when we started messing with one another sex with him was new and exciting. The main thing that kept me around is that his tongue is OFF THE CHAIN!!!!! But that isn't enough sometimes. I haven't felt someone hit that wall in so long I forgotten what it feels like. One of my ex's has been begging to sleep with me. I know that he can do what it do. He is blessed below the belt. I have been trying my best not to go back sleeping with him, but it's hard when you are not satisfied with what you have now. My question is could I really be happy with a man with a small dick, or should I kick rocks. I do love him. That is why I have not cheated yet. The man treats me good and is very good to me. I think one reason that I am thinking about him is because he is a selfish lover. If I know that I came as much as I can from one position and try to change position he holds on to me so I can't change position. The cake topper to that is he would cum in the next two three minutes. So I wouldn't even have the chance to come anymore!!!

Signed,
Confused and Backed up


Dear Confused and Backed Up,

I was about to say shame on you until I read the part about your man being a selfish lover who won’t try new positions. The small dick and cumming too quick issues can be worked on but if he is going to be selfish and all about himself, then that is your real issue. Like you already know, certain positions work better with smaller dick men. Let’s face it. There are a ton of men in the world who are not hung like mules and many of them give up the greatest sex. At least you said your man has great tongue action so he is into pleasing you that way. Cheating is never the answer. Never will I encourage that. Either work your shit out or leave. The old man sniffing around is not a good move. You need to tell him to beat it unless you are trying to reestablish a relationship with him and not just be a fuck buddy. You ended for some reason the first time so I would not think that would be a reasonable solution to your problem. DO NOT tell your man that you want to try new positions because he is seriously lacking in the dick department but do tell him that you want to experiment with new things and you feel like he is stifling you sexually. See what his response is. You will either find out that he is a completely selfish asshole or that he will be turned on by the prospect.

Blessings,
Zane

Define RELATIONSHIP!

The below question raises a good topic. When people get meet someone long distance and talk on the phone, email, text, etc. but have never laid eyes on them in person, do you consider that a relationship? What is your definition of a relationship?

Dear Zane,

I recently was involved in a long distance relationship for 3 months. We had made plans to meet next month and talked every day since we met. We even talked about one another relocating. On Christmas day, I got a call from his girlfriend of 6 months. Turns out OF COURSE, he LIED to both of us. I didn’t yell at the woman, but I was VERY upset. I spent my whole holiday crying. I won’t accept any of his phone calls because I don’t know what to do or say. What should I do next?

Sincerely,
STUCK

Dear Stuck,

You are not stuck, nor were you in a relationship for that matter. A relationship is not one where you have never laid eyes on the person. You need to read the chapter on long distance relationships in my book Dear G Spot. Now if you were long distance and had been traveling back and forth on a regular basis, gotten to know each other, were intimate and you knew him like the back of your hand, that might be a relationship.

You are setting yourself up for more drama if you ever take another call from that man. What would be the purpose behind it, other than listening to a pack of lies? What you should do is get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that you were saved from making a drastic mistake. We are often sent signs to let us know that something is wrong. You were not sent a flag. You were banged upside the damn head. Now if the woman he has been dealing with for six months wants to think that by calling you and deflecting you will make him faithful, let her be the fool. You need to get all the crying out and never put yourself in that place again. Once you find yourself crying over a man because he did something to hurt you, you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Blessings,
Zane

When Your Best Friend's Ex Tries to Fuck You

The below question brings up a good topic. Have you ever wanted to fuck the ex of one of your friends? Have any of them ever tried to step to you? If so, what did you do about it?


Dear Zane,

I have a question about some male behaviors I've seen. Last night, I went out with one of my girlfriends to celebrate leaving the big city for the country in a week. We got into the club and started having a nice time. I have been in this city for 4 years so I always see familiar faces when I go out. One guy caught my eye but not in the "I want him way" more in the "I Know him way". It dawns on me that I know him through my best girlfriend. They used to mess around. I go up to him and tell him I know him and tell him who my best friend is. He acts as if he has no idea who I am talking about. Then asks where does he know ME specifically from, I explain again that I am her best friend but I don't think that was what he was asking. Anyway, his home boy walks up and I remember him too, he remembers me after a moment too. All of a sudden everyone remembers.

OK, some history-when my memory caught up, I remembered that they didn't end well and she said really mean things about his male hygiene (he had a dick odor-something about being uncircumcised). I told him sorry for interrupting and started back to my home girl. He asked me to dance. The question, He pursued me for the rest of the night, trying to touch and feel, kissing on my neck. I had to tell him no and walk away numerous times. Would a guy try to get at the best friend to spite the girl who hurt him? And what is the point of that? I wonder if they even talk. I cannot take leftovers and I know too much about him in that way anyway. I am too old to be a notch in someone's belt plus I hate games and he smelled of GAME. Can a friends ex have actual interests in you or just spiteful intentions?

~Glad I didn't sleep with him


Dear Glad I Didn't Sleep With Him,

To answer your question, it is plausible that a friend's ex can have interest in you because if they spent a lot of time around you and thought you had it going on, it may have always been in the back of their mind. It is also plausible that a person could do it out of spite. However, I do not think it was either in your situation.

I believe what happened to you is that you approached a pussy hound to say hello, he is such a pussy hound that he could not even remember your friend or you at first, and then he decided to try to get some pussy to take home that night. You were not a sure bet but at least the lines of communication had been opened and he did not have to walk up to some other random chick and risk rejection. He was trying to get a notch on his bed post and you were looking like a good candidate. I would not read too much into it but I am glad you had enough common sense to keep your panties on.

Blessings,
Zane

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Why Do Some Women Marry Gay Men?

Dear Zane,

I have been a fan of yours ever since I read Skyscraper. That book was off the chain. Anyway, I wanted to ask your opinion about something. I am a 24 year black gay man, but something often baffled me. Why is it that some women marry men that they know are gay? Even when they see the obvious signs? They know their man is going to go to sleep with other men again but they subject themselves to it. It's not fair to them to do that, but why do women do it?

Signed,
Confused as Hell


Dear Confused as Hell,

That is a very good question and I wish that I had an answer. I have never met a woman who knowingly married a gay man, so I have no one to ask. However, I do know that it happens all the time. The only thing that I can think of is that some women are so desperate to be loved that they would rather have a piece of a man than no man at all. This is similar to women who marry men that they know will cheat with other women.

We spend a good part of our lives hoping and praying that someone dear to us will change their ways. They do not realize that you cannot change someone who does not want to change themselves. Over the generations, people have brushed much under the rug in marriages and not just homosexuality. There are women who stay with men that they know are molesting the children—either their stepchildren or biological children. There are women who stay with men who beat their asses on a daily basis. There are women who marry the men who raped them. There are women who marry men that they know only want them for their money and all of these can be reversed to the male perspective as well.

So I am sure there are those women who marry gay men and there are also men who marry women who are lesbians but love can be a truly powerful thing. It can make you turn a deaf ear to so much. The saying the "love is blind" holds true for a lot of people.

Blessings,
Zane

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

When You Have Lost All Faith in Love

Dear Zane,

I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.

I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.

Signed,
Non-believer


Dear Non-believer,

I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.

There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.

Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?

Blessings,
Zane

Physically in Love

Dear Zane,

Okay I have been kind of skeptical about writing you but, I do believe that you can help me. Well, in November of last year, I had my second boyfriend in high school. I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. I met him through my best friend’s boyfriend. Well in that month we went on a date and it was the best night of my life. I mean he is a great kisser, seeing that I only kissed him once. But any who, that night I kind of led him into asking me out and we both were happy or so it seemed.

The next day at school I was all happy because I had a boyfriend and I told everyone at school. When I got home from school he called me and said that he wanted to come over. I told him no, I didn’t think it was such a good idea. Then later on that night he told me that he didn’t think it was such a good idea for us to be together. I told him that I wasn’t mad and it was cool but I realized that I was mad. So I called him back and told him that it would be embarrassing if I go to school the next day saying that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. And also that it hurts me too. The actual situation he was having was that he was talking to this girl before I met him and she was hurt to know that we were going out. So he broke up with me. And I was hurt.But since then we have kept in touch even though he had a girlfriend. And he cheated on her countless times and he tried to make me one of the girls that were an accomplice in this action. But I was smarter than that and decided otherwise. Now don’t get me wrong. I wanted to but I’m not going to be the OTHER woman. I will be the ONLY woman. Okay do you feel me?

This little thing with us has gone on for a year and now he doesn’t has a girlfriend. Oh and that girl, she talked so much smack about me, like I was trying to take him from her. It wasn’t even like that; he was trying to give himself to me. Not like that though; I am a virgin and he is too. This also draws me to him. But now he is single and he keeps flirting with me. Now I love that but I’m not sure that I want him to be my boyfriend. I really do like him, maybe even love, but I just don’t think that I want him like that. I mean mentally he is not the best thing for me. But physically he is. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Signed
Physically in Love



Dear Physically in Love,

Your signature says it all. When it comes down to the mental and physical in a relationship, anyone can really deliver physical pleasure but a mental and emotional connection is much harder to find. There are times in life, and there will probably be many in yours, when too much damage is done early on in a situation to ever backtrack. There will be men who you are feeling that are not good for you and if you give into the physical attraction knowing that, it will only cause you heartache in the end.

Granted, he has not had sex with someone else, nor have you but being that he put you off for so long while he went off and pursued other girls does not make him the one, in my opinion, that you should lose your most precious gift to. He had a choice back then and he broke things off with you to appease another girl. Yes, he made you second fiddle and that is not cool. For you to now say, okay, I will now take a turn after you did your thing makes you look weak. Women should never look weak and give men the upper hand.

Please continue your education and leave yourself free to find someone else. While his intentions may be genuine now, too much has happened and you will always wonder if you are a consolation prize.

Blessings,
Zane

Should a Man Have to Lie About His Feelings

This was a very interesting advice email to me because this young man has come to the conclusion that he does not want to lie about his feelings, in order to get a woman. I think a lot of older men could stand to take a lesson from him. Zane

Dear Zane,

I’m young but I know what the meaning of love is, and I’m sick of every woman that I’m in a relationship with throwing that word around like it doesn't have any meaning to them. If they only knew how awkward it felt to hear that and not feel the same way. Now if this only happened a handful of times I would just brush it off, but this has happened frequently. I know that I’m a loveable person but dang!!! I mean it’s gotten so bad that the last three women I have been with have said it in under 2 months. How can u form extreme feelings for a person so quickly?? This causes me to push away from the relationship and often sabotage them. For this reason I don’t really enjoy being in relationships anymore.

Once I even tried explaining to the girl that my feelings toward her haven’t yet escalated that high and it seemed like she understood and even told me that she was okay, but she continued to tell me. She also began to get mad when I wouldn’t say anything back or change the subject WTF!! does she want me to do?? Eventually I had to lie about my feelings for her, and of course she went BALISTIC when I I lost interest in the relationship, so I severed ties with her. My cousin spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said if she sees me walking down the street she’s going to grab me throw me on her couch rape me and brake my @#!$ off WTF!!!!! (Imagine my expression -_-).

I have only been in love once before and I know what it feels like it takes a real bond, connection, and trust to love someone and this takes more than a few months. On top of that someone in love is not willing to let that person slip through their hands so easily.So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my real problem is, what do I do in these situations that women leave me in? Is there some way to tell a woman I don’t love you but don’t get crazy about it? Can I get some help here this is starting to @#$! me off!!!

Signed
THE Love I want is real

Dear The Love I Want Is Real,

Even though you are only 18, you are miles ahead of a lot of older men who insist on lying and claiming to have feelings that they do not have. I appreciate your honestly and the young ladies you are involved with should appreciate it as well. I will not tell someone that I love him if I do not, even if he says it. That is misleading and only leads to deeper issues down the road.

A lot of women equate sex with love and it does not change for some of them, even as they get older. These young ladies probably do feel like they are in love with you because they do not understand it. You should not begin to lie to them to appease them so hold your ground. Tell them you like them, if it is true, but that love takes time to develop and it may or may not even happen. That is not in your hands or hers; we cannot control who we fall in love with.

If you tell a woman that and she goes crazy about it, she is immature. They should be grateful that you are an honest man and not just saying whatever to get their sex. Hold your ground and it will all be okay.

Blessings,
Zane

Should You Discuss Your Sex Life With Your Child's Other Parent

Dear Zane,

I would like to know your opinion on my situation with my son's father. Ok, he and I are not together. We are just friends so in my mind I am over him and he is over me. We had a conversation that ended in a heated argument; we were talking about sex and stuff, so I was pretty open with him.

He had asked me a sexual question about my daughter's father, so in my mind I am thinking he has invited me to share a sexual experience with him and so I answered it and explained to him how my daughter's father achieved my orgasm. I'm thinking we were cool like that because he took it upon himself to ask me the question. I didn't bring up my daughter's father AT ALL in our conversation. He got real angry and was saying "I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM ANGRY AND UPSET" AND HE SAID THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS PAST THAT. HE ALWAYS THINKS THAT I'M TRYING TO GET HIM UPSET. I'M LIKE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH THEN WHY EVEN ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? NOW WAS I WRONG? I WAS REAL CONFUSED. BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND THAT HE WAS OVER ME.

Yeah I might have said too much revealing information, but I thought he had wanted to hear it because he asked me the question. He said I should have just replied with a YES OR A NO. But I'm thinking, than why do you want to know in the first place? I was thinking he invited me to share a sexual experience. So since he was angry he took it upon himself to try and make me feel low down and worthless, by calling me all kinds of names. He calls himself a real man, a mature man. I don't see no kind of maturity in him, other than he is a great father and is trying to be a good father. Other than that in my eyes he is very immature, to even take it there. When he was the one who started it????? Ok he knew he was wrong, so he apologized. I told him that we were no longer friends at all. I told him the only communication we should have is about our son. Ok he accepted. Ok I start receiving nasty text messages asking me questions as if I’m some whore. He told me that I shouldn't get mad at the way he is coming at me.

He says HE KNOWS ME WELL ENOUGH AND I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH. I told him just because YOU know me that DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT TO COME AT ME LIKE THAT. EVER SINCE WE HAD THAT HEATED ARGUMENT HE WILL NOT RESPECT ME AS A WOMAN. BUT HE CAN ONLY RESPECT ME AS A MOTHER OF HIS SON. JUST BECAUSE I AM HIS BABY'S MOTHER I HAVE TO JUST LET HIM TALK TO ME ANY WAY? I DON'T THINK SO. I AM A WOMAN, A SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO KIDS WHO DECIDED TO REMAIN CELIBATE UNITL I FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME. I'M JUST FED UP WITH HIM.


Signed,
Fed Up



Dear Fed Up,

It sounds to me like your son’s father still has feelings for you and is jealous about the fact that you have a child with someone else. For him to ask you a question and then get made when you respond is typical behavior for some men. They want to know about a woman’s past but have trouble dealing with the fact that she has a past. I will also say that women are just as guilty, if not more guilty of the same type of behavior. Now he is acting foul and it may be something that he has to get over. Meanwhile, though, he should not be allowed to talk to you in any type of fashion. He has a child with you and he should not be referencing you as a whore. You were good enough for him and he probably knows about your celibacy. I do not know of any celibate whores.

Most of us crave to continue to at least be friends with our exes. After all, at some point, they were a significant part of our lives. In your case, it is not an option because you must show a united front for your child. I would continue to co-parent with him but keep your distance outside of that. I have a feeling that he will come to his senses and get over his pain.

Blessings,
Zane

Trapped in Serial Monogamy

Dear Zane,

Question for you and your readers: How does someone choose to be single or celibate? I am not single by choice but I need to be single to work on me. I have found myself moving from one unfulfilling relationship to another like an addiction. I have not gone a week without sex since when I was married. How do I enjoy just being alone? I've gotten into some self-help books but lonely and horny does not seem to go away by listening to someone tell me to love myself. So, how do I enjoy being single? What steps should I take to try celibacy? I think I need emotional cleansing but being with someone, anyone is like an addiction.

Trapped in Serial Monogamy

Dear Trapped in Serial Monogamy,

You have fallen into a trap that a lot of men and women fall into. Some feel like they have to constantly be dating or sleeping with someone to feel whole. This can often backfire because when your life is constantly filled with people in your space, Mr. Right might not even be able to darken your doorstep, rather less get inside. My suggestion is that you try to find something else to fill the void. Not forever but just long enough for you to work on yourself, since that is your wish. I have had to take a step back and do that before; to make sure that I was relationship material myself before I sought out one.

It will be interesting to see what others have to say because a lot of people have taken a vow of celibacy and/or have decided to remain single.

Blessings,
Zane

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

God, Sex and Love

Dear Zane,

I would like to tell you how much I love your books! You are an inspiration to me and my group of friends... WE LOVE YOU!!! [SHAME ON IT ALL WAS THE BOMB !]

Well, I am a 20 year old woman and I'm so stuck it is unbelievable. I am a strong believer in GOD and JESUS. I am trying my best to have a personal relationship with the Lord and so far I've had my ups and downs but he's never steered me wrong. The problem is ME, my SEX DRIVE and my longing to be loved by a man. The Bible says not to fornicate and I really been trying and so far, I've only had sex once this year with someone I had been seeing for 6 months. My thing is, I want LOVE, I want to be touched, but I don't want to go against what GOD says for me to do. It’s a constant battle every day! And it seems like now that I have given my life to GOD, more men want me sexually than before and it’s very hard to resist when you have an attractive man by your side with his lips on your neck! So my question is, should I not date? Most men are looking to get sex before they get married and that’s something I'm trying hard not to do. Or... should I continue to date, tell the man that I'm celibate and risk heartache each and every time?? I’m lost.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOD BLESS-

Christian Lover

Dear Christian Lover,

It would be an understatement to say that you are not alone. There are tons of people with your same issue and only you can decide how much you really believe that fornication is a greater sin compared to other sins. All of us are sinners, even if we try to live our lives right.

Your sexuality is a part of your being. All of us got here because someone had sex and without sex, mankind would not exist. You are right, most men today are not going to forgo sex and be in a committed relationship without it. However, there are men who are in the same boat as you and I suggest you seek them out. Maybe your church has a singles group who believe in abstinence. I know for a fact that there are Christian singles dating web sites.

The bottom line is you have to make a personal choice but you cannot impose your beliefs and decisions on another person. Either you will find a man who will cosign on it or you will live your life for the Lord and be single. The only other option is for you to give into your natural feelings and have sex. But realize that we live in an age where more women will never be married in their lifetime than ever. Thus, are you prepared to go your entire life without sex? If you answer is yes, then that is a lovely thing.

Blessings,
Zane

Text Message Love-NOT!

Dear Zane,

I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”

Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.

Immigrant Love

Dear Zane,

I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.

Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.

If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!

Signed,
Immigrant Love

Dear Immigrant Love,

You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.

He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.

I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.

Blessings,
Zane

I have a serious question

I have a serious question

After reading and answering so many advice mails over the past decade, now I have a question. Have you ever known your mate was cheating and still performed oral sex on them? To me, I cannot fathom knowing that my man's dick is going in and out of some other woman and then I am putting my mouth on it. We have all heard the lines like, "Every time you're kissing him, you're tasting my pussy." That is another point. Do you have an issue kissing a person that you know might have had a mouth full of dick or pussy a few hours ago?

Blessings,
Zane

Michael Crichton's Passing

There was so much excitement about the election that the death of Michael Crichton was overlooked by most so I wanted to post this. My son and I watched Jurassic Park 3 over the weekend and it reminded me to do this. He was a wonderful author and gave Hollywood a reason to start looking toward books to make films. Blessings, Zane


Michael Crichton - best known for penning "Jurassic Park" and creating the TV hit "ER" - died suddenly from cancer, his family said yesterday.
He was 66, and died in Los Angeles on Tuesday.
Crichton was diagnosed with lymphoma this spring and loved ones were confident he'd beat it, said brother Douglas Crichton.
"This is a shock to a lot of people, even his physicians," Douglas told The Post.
Douglas said he wasn't even worried two weeks ago, when his brother could barely talk because of the toll taken by chemotherapy.
The death "was not anticipated," said Doug Crichton, 59. "Everyone thought he was fine."
In a statement posted on the author's Web site, his family said: "While the world knew him as a great storyteller that challenged our preconceived notions about the world around us - and entertained us all while doing so - his wife Sherri, daughter Taylor, family and friends knew Michael Crichton as a devoted husband, loving father and generous friend."
Michael Crichton's page-turning and often terrifying books, including "Jurassic Park," "Disclosure," "Rising Sun" and "The Terminal Man," have sold more than 150 million copies.
"Michael was an extraordinary man - brilliant, funny, erudite, gracious, exceptionally inquisitive and always thoughtful," "ER" producer John Wells said.
"No lunch with Michael lasted less than three hours and no subject was too prosaic or obscure to attract his interest.
"Sexual politics, medical and scientific ethics, anthropology, archeology, economics, astronomy, astrology, quantum physics and molecular biology were all regular topics of conversation."
Douglas Crichton recalled watching the sci-fi classic "Forbidden Planet" with his 6-foot-9 big brother, who used that inspiration to build a robot at their childhood home in Roslyn, LI.
"Mike was remarkable from the day he hit the ground," Doug Crichton said.
The prolific author will probably be best remembered for "Jurassic Park."
The tale chronicled the fantastic regeneration of dinosaurs using DNA wizardry.
His stories of scientific disaster and systematic breakdown also included the rampant microbe of 1969's "The Andromeda Strain" and "State of Fear" in 2004, which stirred controversy by calling global warming a hoax. Crichton himself directed and wrote the movie "The Great Train Robbery" and co-wrote the script for the blockbuster "Twister."
In 1994, he created the award-winning TV hospital series "ER." He's even had a dinosaur named for him, Crichton's ankylosaur.
"Michael's talent out-scaled even his own dinosaurs of 'Jurassic Park,' " said director Steven Spielberg, who turned Crichton's awesome tale into one of Hollywood's most profitable franchises, with two sequels.

When Your Lesbian Lover Cannot Stay Away From Another Woman

Dear Zane,

I love your work. It is wonderful and a lot of your books tell my entire life but that is not the reason that I am sending you this message. To the point, I am a 31-year-old woman with three kids and I am separated from my husband of ten years. I am also a lesbian. I had been into women for years but have now decided that I prefer being with them instead of men. I have a lover, which is one of the reasons that my husband and I are not together. I love her dearly but she has this ex-girlfriend that will not go away. She cheated on me once before with this woman and I took her back. She cheated again with this same woman for the past ten months. I have been dealing with it and every time she cheats, I always take her back. Now, a couple of days ago, the woman called me and told me that she was messing with her again. Zane, I can’t take any more but I really love this woman. I put her out of my apartment and now I am thinking of taking her back again. What in the hell is wrong with me? Please help.

Signed,
In Love

Dear In Love,

There is nothing wrong with you, other than having real feelings and hoping for the best. Millions of people do that every day and it is a natural emotion. However, while you may love this woman, this woman does not love you enough to stay away from her “poison.” For some reason she has a connection with the woman she is cheating with and anyone who cheats three times with the same person is not going to stop, particularly when you keep forgiving her. If you allow her back into your life, you will definitely get more of the same. You need to protect yourself. More importantly you need to protect the emotional welfare of your children. Here they are dealing with a divorce and now you have this woman coming in and out of their personal space, making it even more difficult to deal with. You need to be by yourself and make your life about your kids and assuring their stability. It will be hard, especially since she is part of the reason for your divorce, but the thing between you is not meant to be. Maybe she was placed into your life to be a catalyst for you to move on from your marriage and realize that you are a lesbian. However, do not allow her to be a catalyst for your demise.

Blessings,
Zane

Falling for a Friend

Hey Zane,

I hope this finds you in good spirits. Also, I am very proud of you and all that you have accomplished. But like a lot of other people, I need some advice from you. There is a very nice, attractive young man that I have been spending a great deal of my time with and I'm confused about what is happening so I thought I'd get your take on this whole thing.Okay, so he and I go to the same university. We met in one of our classes and then, when I went to my class immediately after that one, he was in my other class too. We chatted for a little bit and decided to become "study buddies" but that quickly turned into a wonderful friendship. And now when we "study" we usually get off topic here and there and talk about other stuff. One night both of us even cried when talking about our pasts and our families! Every time we hang out we spend anywhere from 8-11 hours together, and we have yet to get sick of each other.

We have never crossed that boundary line of friendship, but I am definitely attracted to him. And not only that, but I have met all of his roommates, his brother, and he says that he's even told some of his other family members and friends from back home about me. And he's met all of my friends and even my mom when she came down to visit me a few weeks ago. We hang out at least 2-3 days out of every week and now it's starting to be outside of campus and outside of studying. And we at least text/call each other every day...we even talked a few times over Thanksgiving break.Earlier today when we were talking, he told me that I am in a category of my own and that there is no one that he's ever met like me. He also told me that he doesn't see me like a girl friend that’s like one of the guys.

So my questions are...do you think he feels the same way about me that I feel about him? And should I just remain his friend and leave things how they are, or try to pursue something more? While he is a wonderful friend, and I would never want to ruin a friendship, he is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man and I am growing more attached to him every day. But he is that kind of guy that is friends with basically all his ex's because he is such a good person. And we've discussed it and the race factor is non-existent for us because I am black and he is white. But what do you and your readers think I should do?

Sincerely,
Falling for my friend


Dear Falling for My Friend,

I would take things slowly and see what happens. People amaze me when they think that being friends with someone before becoming lovers is a problem. That just shows how backwards today’s society is because your lover is supposed to be your “best friend.” Your lover is supposed to be the person that you feel like you can tell anything to, do anything with, and rely on in every situation. If that is not the definition of friendship, then what is?

While there are no guarantees that things can work out between you and this young man, life never offers guarantees other than every day being an opportunity to be productive and accomplish something. If things do not work out, then you already know that he will remain your friend, based on the fact that he has remained cool with other women from his past. Unless you feel like that could cause some issues for you, as far as being jealous, I do not see anything wrong with letting nature take its course.

Blessings,
Zane

When Your Husband Has No Sex Drive

Dear Zane,

I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.

Signed,
Lonely

Dear Lonely,

You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.

The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.

Blessings,
Zane

Ready to Give Up on Love in a Day

Dear Zane,

I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.

So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.

So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?

Signed,
Confused woman

Dear Confused Woman,

What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.

Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.

Blessings,
Zane

Star Struck and Dogged Out

Dear Zane,

I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.

To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.

Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.

Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.

Signed,
Star Struck

Dear Star Struck,

He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.

You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.

Blessings,
Zane

A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War

Dear Zane,

I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancĂ©. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).

We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.

The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.

One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”

To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.

She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.

Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War



Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,

You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.

The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.

Blessings,
Zane

A Gay Version of the Bible?

Now I will have to admit that while I am totally for gay rights and believe that people should be allowed to love who they love and be free to do whatever they want, this is a bit much for me. The Bible is sacred and I am not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, outside of pissing a ton of people off. I seriously doubt that Christian gays would agree with this. I could be wrong though. Am? Blessings, Zane

A gay version of the Bible, in which God says it is better to be gay than straight, is to be published by an American film producer.
New Mexico-based Revision Studios will publish The Princess Diana Bible - so named because of Diana's "many good works," it says - online at www.princessdianabible.com in spring 2009.
A preview of Genesis is already available, in which instead of creating Adam and Eve, God creates Aida and Eve.
According to a report written by David Townsend it states that the ‘gay bible’ writes, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Aida, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from woman, made he another woman, and brought her unto the first. And Aida said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of me. Therefore shall a woman leave her mother, and shall cleave unto her wife: and they shall be one flesh.' And they were both naked, the woman and her wife, and were not ashamed."
The film studio said it would also adapt and direct the revised bible as a two-part mini-series, The Gay Old Testament and The Gay New Testament, once it is completed.
"There are many different versions of the Bible; I don't see why we can't have one," said Max Mitchell, who directed the science fiction comedy "Horror In the Wind," in which an airborne formula invented by two biogeneticists reverses the world's sexual orientation.
"I got the idea for the Princess Diana Bible from "Horror In the Wind," he added. "After the world becomes gay, religious people create The Princess Diana Bible, which says that gay is right and straight is a sin. Then they burn all the King James Bibles."
As expected, the movie has already provoked anger among Christians, with the blogger Douglas Howe at the Idol Chatter site describing it as "inspired by a political agenda and one person's desire to contort not only the text but the very context of it to suit his own perspective".
There was also criticism on Mitchell's Princess Diana Bible site, where one commentator said the choice of title was "very disrespectful to the late Princess Diana ... It's just one more thing to link her to what many people believe is immoral. Sad, very sad indeed."
But Mitchell responds: "There are 116 versions of the Bible, why are any of them better than ours?" (Source: The Guardian)

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Orgasm Seeker

Dear Zane,

I have read your blogs and I noticed you answer questions so I have one. I’m 18 and in April I lost my virginity. Now since then I have had 4 sexual partners but for some odd reason I can’t have an orgasm; no matter how hard I try. I have orgasms when I masturbate but other than that, I don’t have any. At first I thought it was the dude I was having sex with but the more partners I have, the more I get frustrated. Like no matter what they do, oral, fingering, anything, I just can’t have one. So I was wondering is something wrong with me or my body and can I change it?

Signed,
Orgasm Seeker


Dear Orgasm Seeker,

You have what most women have, a psychological hang up that has to do with not feeling truly comfortable around your partners. Since you can have an orgasm when you masturbate, it is not a physical thing. Doing it with a bunch of people is not going to help the issue. You need to work on yourself and learn to relax mentally. A lot of people feel that losing control with an orgasm in front of others is embarrassing. While you may not think that is the case with you, it has something to do with it.

Blessings,
Zane

Sex Equals Okay

Dear Zane,

I love your books and I read them all the time. I’m going to try to make this as short as I can. I am a 18 year old young woman with a 24 year old man. I have known him since I was 15 & yes, we started having a sexual relationship. I would come over there & we would just fuck & I would go home. Now that I am 18, I told him I wanted more. I wanted a relationship with him & that’s what I got. With him it never gets boring & he keeps me happy. The only thing is sex is not good to me. I mean, it's okay. It's not him (I don't think) because I’ve always been like this. It will feel good for a minute, then after that, I would just be laying there like a dead doll. I love getting eaten out but besides that, sex is for him. Yes, he does eat me out very good. He doesn't do it all the time but when he does it’s very enjoyable. Is something wrong with him or me? Is it weird that I don't love him either? I care about him a lot, a lot, a lot. Like I said, he makes me so happy. Is it because I’m young & I really don't know anything about sex yet? Also when he eats me out & it starts to feel too good, I tell him to stop. How do you take all the pleasure of getting satisfied? Please help me.

Signed,
Sex Equals Okay


Dear Sex Equals Okay,

You might be bored with him because he took up with you when you were a child and he was a grown ass man and now you are realizing that there might be more to sex than what he is serving up. You may be sick of the same old thing and you may be curious about what it would feel like to be with someone else. Frankly, since he was wrong for ever fucking you when you were 15, if you decided to move on, he only has himself to blame. You were basically forced to make a decision that you were not old enough to make. That is why contracts are not enforceable with minors and as far as I am concerned, that goes for verbal relationship contracts as well.

Blessings,
Zane

Liking Someone Who Doesn't Like You The Same Way

Dear Zane,

I'm talking to this guy, and we been talking for like three months. We only had like three dates, and they were all in Sept. But other than that, all we do is fuck. He's a truck driver and is always on the road. So, I talk to him all the time. It's just when he's in town he never wants to go out. Like early this week, for instance. I told him that my god sister was having a game night at her house on Sat. He said he would think about it, if he would be in town. Well, he came in town Thursday night. When I asked him Friday what he was doing this weekend. He told me that he was going to Nashville to hang out with his friend that lives up there. So, I'm thinking to myself that damn, I asked you earlier this week about going out. But you would rather go back out of town and hang with your boys. And when I told him how I felt about him doing me like that, he said that he felt me, but he doesn't feel me. Should I just leave him alone? Because I thought I could start a relationship with this guy.

Signed,
Liking someone who doesn't like me the same way!


Dear Liking Someone Who Doesn’t Like Me The Same Way,

You said it all with your signature. He does not have the same intentions as you. You are a cut/fuck buddy and you want him to be your man and date you and hang out with your friends. That is not going to happen and you cannot make him do it.

You can either keep seeing him/fucking him or you can stop wasting your time. If you want a relationship he is not the one and you have to commend him that he is at least not leading you on about it.

Blessings,
Zane

Lost in a World of Attraction

Dear Zane,

I am twenty-eight years old. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I left my husband because I caught him cheating with another woman in my house. I went to jail behind it and made it my business to move on. Once I got out of jail I left him and started my life over. I have accomplished a lot without him. Now I am hearing that he is looking for me in order to reconcile. I am not giving him the time of day to reconcile shit. It has been a year and a half since we separated. I just got back in the game.

I met a guy a little younger than me but age does not matter, as long as I am not robbing the cradle. But since we met, it was an instant connection and I like him. I am scared to take it to the next level with him because of my last relationship. He asked me to be the one in his life but how do I explain to him that I am not shutting him out but just not ready to take it to the next level? I have read Dear G Spot and have tried to take some of the advice you have given to others. But it is just not the same situation.

Sincerely,
Lost in a World of Attraction


Dear Lost in a World of Attraction,

You have been through a lot, including being locked up behind a man. Not many women can even claim that one. It is not a surprise that you would feel cautious now and all I can say is this. Make sure that you are not constantly seeking out the same type of men, age difference aside. A lot of us seek out the same type of men—the wrong ones for us—or men who mean us no good seek us out because we give off certain vibes. As long as you feel this young man is different, do not prevent yourself from obtaining happiness. Otherwise, you are only letting the ex control you, even though he is nowhere in sight. Tell him that you like him but you need time to continue to heal. Do not stop him though; go with what feels right and the second you feel a red flag, do not ignore it.

Blessings,
Zane

Why Do Men Always Go For the Breasts?

Dear Zane,

I had an experience over this past weekend and it dawned on me today, why do men do this? When you go on a date for the first time and you wind up kissing your date for the first time, why do men kiss you and go straight for the breasts?! Do we go for the dick when we kiss a guy for the first time? I know I don't but it just baffled me and I was thinking back pretty much and all men do it. Do we as women have a tattoo across our foreheads that says please kiss me and grab my tits while you're at it? I don't get it and thought you would be able to shed some light on this.

Thanks,
Curious

Dear Curious,

That is too funny but also true. Men do seem to go for the ta-tas quickly when we start kissing. I have a two-fold response. Men can either do that because they are turned on by feeling or kissing our breasts or, they can do it because they know that a woman’s breasts can often be her weak point. I actually love a man to fondle and kiss my breasts and cannot be with a man who is not a breast man. That is an intricate part of the experience for me. It will be interesting to see what men and women have to say about this though.

Blessings,
Zane

After Your Man Gets Locked Up

Dear Zane,

My boyfriend went to jail a couple of weeks ago, and me and one of his friends have been chilling together. I really like this man and I think that he and I could have a future. I don’t know what to do because we broke the code. You don’t mess with your friends toys. Help me. I don’t know what to do!

Signed,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You might have already jumped in the sack with your man’s friend but hopefully, you came to your senses. If you have any feelings for your boyfriend, you need to leave his friend alone. His friend obviously does not give a damn or is thinking with his little head. Depending on how long your man will be locked up, you may need to move on anyway. Putting your life on hold for someone who made a choice to break the law does not make sense. Either way, you are jumping from the frying pan into the damn fire. His friend is certainly up to no good and while times might be hard, they are not that damn hard. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Blessings,
Zane

My Best Friend's Lover

Dear Zane,

My best friend and I have known each other for 5 years. For a year, we both stopped dating other people and stayed single just so we could have sex and mess around. We stopped talking for about 6 months and while in that process I got pregnant and his girl did also. Just recently we started talking again. The first night we kicked it together. We had sex. It wasn’t something I planned to do but it just happened. He is still with his girl and wants me to have a threesome with him and another girl. I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to disrespect his girl but I guess I already have since we have been having sex almost every night since we have started hanging out again. He tells me he loves me but I don’t know what to do at this point. I do want to be with him, but I don’t want to break up a happy home. What should I do at this point?

Signed,
My Best Friend’s Lover


Dear My Best Friend’s Lover,

What the hell are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing and what the hell are you thinking? You are already disrespecting his girl. A threesome with another chick is not going to make it any worse. You are also damn sure disrespecting yourself. If he loves you, he either needs to shit or get off the pot. Quite frankly, I have no clue why you would even want him. Then again, the two of you might deserve each other. He needs to let his girl go so she can find a real man and then the two of you can hook up and have threesomes and disrespect yourselves together.

Blessings,
Zane

Tempted By The Past

Dear Zane,

I am a recent graduate from college and been having trouble meeting a man. Recently, I gave up and just decided to work on myself. About two weeks ago an old booty call from college came back into my life. We have been talking every day since and he wants me to visit him. The other day he asked what I wanted. I told him that in one way I want to just fuck and in another way I am tired of just fucking and want to settle down but I just want to take it slow and see what happens. He said he echoed my feelings and I would have to relocate from Cali to Montgomery, Alabama, but in the past all we have ever been is booty calls. We have really been getting to know each other like we just met. I don't want to put too much on it but also don't want to get my feelings hurt or involved in a sticky situation. What should I do? Plus I haven't had sex in a while and I know when we see each other we will fuck. I am scared? Please help me.

Signed,
Tempted By The Past


Dear Tempted By The Past,

Do not allow your trouble meeting a man to cloud your judgment. You reconnected with him two weeks ago, have not seen him and you are already considering picking up your life in California and moving to Alabama? No, ma’am. You need to seriously slow your roll. One or both of you are tripping. When you said that you want to take it slow, that is your best bet. Get to know him again and realize that people change. Just see what happens but you better not move with that man or you will be kicking yourself in the ass by Spring.

Blessings,
Zane

Knowing When To Cut Your Losses

Dear Zane,

I need some help with my relationship. The young man that you see in the picture with me is the man that I have been with for the past five years. Within the past couple of months, our relationship has changed dramatically. We both have been doing some soul searching in finding out who we are. In the meantime, we have been drifting apart. I am about to go back to school starting in Nov. and he is currently unemployed at this time. He went through a small depression and I supported him through it and in the process he used to walk around and not talk to me and then he would just go for some time and then come back home and not say much if anything at all. So, I distanced myself away from him because he used to tell me that I cannot do anything to help him and I needed help myself.

I offered to go to counseling with him several times and he would tell me that we got time. If you read my page, then you see what I think about life in general. I used to be a person that was in denial about a lot of things and I made a vow to myself that I have to take my life back because no one will do things the way that you do and you cannot trust anyone but yourself. I love this man with all of my heart and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. But I was honest with myself and with him and I told him that I will not marry him until we both get ourselves together. Dysfunction is not on the menu for me when it comes to marriage. Just the other day, we got into an argument because I told him that my feelings have changed about him. They didn't change for me not wanting to be with him, but the way that he is doing things. We don't spend that much time together anymore and I wanted him to know how I felt about that. He spends all day just about on the computer looking for jobs and then when he comes to where I am in the house, it is late at night and it is time to go to bed. I don't want to talk to my mate in bed all the time like that. Then he went on to say that we were not compatible. He says that we are not on the same intellectual level as him and some other females that he has spoken with in the past. He is 40 and I am 28. The age difference is there, but does that mean that we are not compatible? I really need help. I am willing to make it work if it is worth it, but at the same time, I am willing to cut my losses with him. He knows how I feel when it comes to cutting our losses. Please help me Zane.

Signed,
Should I Cut My Losses


Dear Should I Cut My Losses,

Both of you are extremely emotional right now and if this were a short-term relationship, I would tell you to get the hell away from him. However, five years is a huge life investment and if possible, you should try to work this out. He is in a very dark place right now. He is significantly older than you, yet you have your act more together by going back to school and working while he is struggling to find a job. That kind of thing affects a man’s self-esteem, unless he is one of the shiftless men who think women are supposed to pay all the bills. He does not appear to be that way.

Do not be too offended about his remarks about incompatibility either. They seem more like retaliation for your comments about him spending all day on the computer and you not wanting to hold conversations in bed. Now I am not living your life or walking in your shoes so only you know your level of tolerance and life definitely throws us a ton of curveballs. But he does not seem like a bad man; just a lost man and if he has stood by you faithfully for five years, then you should really think about this before you cut and run.

Blessings,
Zane

Yet Another Shape-Shifting Man

Dear Zane,

I recently met a man who I instantly fell in love with and he felt the same. We click very well. Unfortunately he was only here in my hometown for three months so he decided we should continue this relationship, making it a long distance relationship. He has to continually come back and forth here for his job. Did I mention that he is the perfect gentleman; sweet, honest, passionate, caring, thoughtful. You name it and that’s him. He has an excellent career; he is a college grad, was in the military and even played college football. He is very smart and he does his thing. He’s the best man anyone could want!

So he leaves to go back home and he said before he leaves that this is going to work and for me to trust him and he loves me. I was like, okay, maybe it will. I’m faithful and I know he works a lot so it shouldn’t be much to worry about. He told me about his life at home, his ex-wife, kids and family, all that. So I was like okay, no problem. Then he gets home and he barely answers his phone and when he does answer, or calls me, he says the battery was dead or he worked late and all that so it really doesn’t bother me because I figure he hasn’t been home in 6 months so he wants time with his family.

Now it’s time to go to another state for work; he travels a lot. I’m getting calls all the time and every time I call, he answers or texts. Three weeks go by and he says, babe, the job is ending. I’m going back home. The day he goes back home, he texted me happy birthday and that he loves me and all that, then for two days now, he doesn’t call or return my text and when I call, guess what? The phone is off so being the smart ass black women that I am, I called his work cell, which I don’t ever do because it’s strictly for work. He answers, saying he's sick and asking me what’s wrong. I’m like, you tell me, and I was like, call me back when you get time. It’s been four hours and he hasn’t called back yet. Now my question is, knowing he probably already had a girl back home and he never mentioned it and just making believe it’s not true and with the call today, reality really set in. I don’t want to believe he has someone there at home but I don’t understand how he can basically have 2 lives. He said he loves me every day and he misses me and all the good stuff but is it true?

What should I do from this point on? I am about in tears here at work because I truly love this man and damn it, I told my momma about him. My kids love him and everything. Damn, I am in shock for real but, honestly, I kind of knew it but just didn’t want to believe it because he is so damn perfect (too good to be true; that’s what my friends always say) so why wouldn’t he have someone but why would he start a whole life with me, saying he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and all that good stuff? Please help.


Signed,
Pissed Right Now


Dear Pissed Right Now,

The writing is all over the wall. You admit that you “kind of knew it.” Now you have simply been proven right. He cannot call you or communicate when he is at home because his woman—possibly even his wife who is not really an ex—is there with him. He might be the perfect man but he is likely spreading himself pretty thin. The pain and anger that you currently feel will follow you all the days of your life if you continue to act a fool over this man. You are a side piece and he has no reason to change that as long as you accept it. You have involved your children and to continue to let him play games with you, you are in effect playing games with the emotions of your kids.

He said the right things to you; no good men usually do. Women love to hear what makes them feel special, and you felt that way until he showed his true colors. He has shown them and, from this moment on, anything else he does to mislead you is your fault and yours alone. You know the deal; now deal with him and move on.

Blessings,
Zane

Friends Acting Like More?

Dear Zane,

My "friend" and I went together for a year. Then he broke off the relationship. So I tried to move on but it was hard. Then not even two months later, we end up back together, but he said he only wants to be friends. We were back together but only "friends" that go everywhere together, still sleep together, and help each other out financially when needed. Neither one of our families believe us when we say we are just friends. I love this man to death and will do anything for him.

Lately we have been spending time together still having sex, but he has been talking to all these females that he meet on MySpace or just around the way on the phone or anywhere he might run into them. I feel like I get disrespected every day; not only that, he will converse with them in front of my family. I want out of the friendship and relationship. But then, I keep thinking he can change because he moved 10 hours away from his hometown to be with me. He knows I’ll do anything for him and his family. What should I do? I feel like when we talk about it, he never sees anything wrong with what he does. I love it but I’m getting to where I can't take it anymore, but I don't want to lose the happiness I feel when we have our good days. Not only that; he’s my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. Now when we have sex, even if I suggest it, it’s hard for me to cum most of the time. I don't know what to do. Please give me some kind of advice.

Signed,
Confused


Dear Confused,

Oh, how I can relate to this, as I am sure many women can since the Internet has become so popular. Men (and in fairness, some women) use the Internet as a way to stroke their egos. Your man is a flirt and that does not necessarily mean that he is cheating but he is being disrespectful. Honestly I believe that if two people love one another they should not give their partner any reason to even perceive that something might be going on. That only brings about too much temptation and trouble.

Now here is the crazy part. You are both saying that you are friends but you are acting like it is a relationship. He is not technically doing anything wrong if he has not made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, whether he moved there or not. You claim that it is only a friendship despite the love, the going out and the intimacy. He is making excuses to you about his behavior like he is in a relationship with you. The two of you need to decide what is what. Until you do that, you really have no reason to be jealous and he has no reason to explain his actions.

Blessings,
Zane

Trapped in a Marriage

Dear Zane,

I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your writing and the vivid details that capture the reader in those moments. I have read most of your books and, in most cases, I can relate to the characters.

I don't love my husband. I am currently married to a man that I never loved. I feel as though I forced the marriage on him when we both were just okay around one another. Unfortunately, because of this fact, he has been unfaithful for several years. After finding out about just one of those affairs, I asked him to leave. He left with resistance because, at the time, he had been out of work for almost a year with no promise or effort to become employed again. I gave in after only two days and allowed him to return. He is a great liar and very manipulative with promises of faithfulness to become a better husband.

Once again I discovered he was still seeking women elsewhere but just covered his tracks better this time. We had the knock out, drag down argument and I stayed with him knowing in my heart I would never trust him. I would have liked for him to have told me before acting upon his urges. As I recall we did not have a problem with intimacy because that was a daily or four times a week activity. It has not been four months since the last incident and still I find single hook up numbers on a cell phone bill I am paying for him.

I pay all the bills in the household, even after the fact he is now employed but he tells me that his check was less than two hundred dollars before taxes. With this job, he is paid weekly and stays at work on most days eight to sixteen hours. We have had the argument about why his check is less than the hours he has claimed to have worked. His excuse was that he has a problem with his payroll dept. every week. I am struggling to pay everything with my income and he continues to ask for gas money to get to his job.

We had another argument and he refuses to leave the house we are renting. He has also admitted to staying because I am paying everything. He has threatened me with violence and tells me to call the police, so if they do come, it will be bloodshed. He leaves the house when he is off from work and doesn't come home for hours. If I ask him where he's been, he always tells me he has been at a relative’s house visiting. I am trapped by bills and a lease for a house. I do not know what to do, to leave without having myself more in debt and having a bad reflection on my credit history for breaking the lease.

After our last argument we no longer sleep in the same bed together and are not on speaking terms. The rent is due and the bills are still coming in. I have left him a note with what is needed to cover his half of the bills but he tosses it to the floor because he knows that I am going to pay it. I feel as though familiarity instead of love and respect played a major part in this relationship. This is a safety net while he was still searching for companionship. I do not know what to do. Is there any advice you can offer to me?

Signed,
Trapped



Dear Trapped,

The best advice that I can give you is to seek legal representation immediately. You have to divorce this man and you have to get him out of your home. While being married does mean some legal responsibility to your spouse, he has you living in fear. He has made threats and you cannot take that lightly. He has no respect for himself, rather less for you. He has spent years attacking your emotional well-being and there is nothing left to your marriage. You are wasting precious time every moment that you allow this to continue.

I know that you are afraid and that is exactly where he wants you. He cannot be reasoned with and you cannot deal with him alone. You need to take out a restraining order and then he will have no option but to leave. Otherwise, you will be in this same situation five or ten years down the road, unless he finds another meal ticket.

Do not suffer in silence either. Tell your friends and relatives what he is doing to you. If his parents are alive, tell them. He will surely be ashamed if confronted by them. Abusers prey on the weak but they do not like exposure. That is their greatest fear.

Also contact some local agencies that deal with spousal abuse. He may not be hitting on you—yet—but he is verbally and mentally abusive and that is illegal in this country. Protect yourself and your rights. You are not his property and you deserve to have a decent life.

Blessings,
Zane