Friday, November 28, 2008

Knowing When To Cut Your Losses

Dear Zane,

I need some help with my relationship. The young man that you see in the picture with me is the man that I have been with for the past five years. Within the past couple of months, our relationship has changed dramatically. We both have been doing some soul searching in finding out who we are. In the meantime, we have been drifting apart. I am about to go back to school starting in Nov. and he is currently unemployed at this time. He went through a small depression and I supported him through it and in the process he used to walk around and not talk to me and then he would just go for some time and then come back home and not say much if anything at all. So, I distanced myself away from him because he used to tell me that I cannot do anything to help him and I needed help myself.

I offered to go to counseling with him several times and he would tell me that we got time. If you read my page, then you see what I think about life in general. I used to be a person that was in denial about a lot of things and I made a vow to myself that I have to take my life back because no one will do things the way that you do and you cannot trust anyone but yourself. I love this man with all of my heart and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. But I was honest with myself and with him and I told him that I will not marry him until we both get ourselves together. Dysfunction is not on the menu for me when it comes to marriage. Just the other day, we got into an argument because I told him that my feelings have changed about him. They didn't change for me not wanting to be with him, but the way that he is doing things. We don't spend that much time together anymore and I wanted him to know how I felt about that. He spends all day just about on the computer looking for jobs and then when he comes to where I am in the house, it is late at night and it is time to go to bed. I don't want to talk to my mate in bed all the time like that. Then he went on to say that we were not compatible. He says that we are not on the same intellectual level as him and some other females that he has spoken with in the past. He is 40 and I am 28. The age difference is there, but does that mean that we are not compatible? I really need help. I am willing to make it work if it is worth it, but at the same time, I am willing to cut my losses with him. He knows how I feel when it comes to cutting our losses. Please help me Zane.

Signed,
Should I Cut My Losses


Dear Should I Cut My Losses,

Both of you are extremely emotional right now and if this were a short-term relationship, I would tell you to get the hell away from him. However, five years is a huge life investment and if possible, you should try to work this out. He is in a very dark place right now. He is significantly older than you, yet you have your act more together by going back to school and working while he is struggling to find a job. That kind of thing affects a man’s self-esteem, unless he is one of the shiftless men who think women are supposed to pay all the bills. He does not appear to be that way.

Do not be too offended about his remarks about incompatibility either. They seem more like retaliation for your comments about him spending all day on the computer and you not wanting to hold conversations in bed. Now I am not living your life or walking in your shoes so only you know your level of tolerance and life definitely throws us a ton of curveballs. But he does not seem like a bad man; just a lost man and if he has stood by you faithfully for five years, then you should really think about this before you cut and run.

Blessings,
Zane

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