Sunday, November 23, 2008

He Lives With Another Woman But You Still Belong to Him

Dear Zane,

I am twenty-two years old and I have been with my boyfriend, who is thirty-one, for three and a half years. He has a daughter that I have met on numerous occasions. By the way, she is five. At the beginning of our relationship, he played the sweet nice guy who cared for me and gave me anything I needed or asked for. I have been to his home, which he shared with a male cousin. I have slept there and cooked for him. We went out on dates on a regular basis. Basically, I fell in love with him after a few months.

After being apart for a couple of months; I am from New Orleans so after the hurricane, I went my way and he went his but we stayed in touch and he even visited me. Once I got back home, things started to change. He was acting like he was hiding something from me. I would ask him over and over again what was going on with him and he would say that it is hard finding work and a place to live, etc.

Well, recently, after a doctor’s appointment with his baby’s mother, he called and told me that he may have a venereal disease and that I should go get checked out. After my visit to the doctor, I was straight and clean and did not have anything. As I questioned him about what was going on, he told me the truth about everything. How he was living with his baby’s momma and still sleeping with her because he did not want another man in her home around his daughter and how he still has love for her. I could have lost it right there but I loved him so much and still do. I thought we would be able to work this all out; especially after he told me that he was in love with me. I was wrong. He stopped calling me daily and would start doing pop ups at my home. I have dated since he left but I still want to be with him till this day. He only comes around when he want s. What do I do in this situation? I am all out of ideas. He says that he will never let me go and that he owns me. Needless to say, I have given thousands to pay for a car and for some of his bills. Is he keeping me around for what I can do for him financially or does he still want to be with me because he loves me?

Young, Lonely and In Love

Dear Young, Lonely and In Love,

Listen to me very carefully. Not only is he using you for money, and probably sex as well, he is claiming you are his personal property. Men have a lot of fucking nerve but in many ways, women cannot place the blame on them because we tolerate so much of their bullshit. If I am doing my math correctly, he was a grown ass man getting involved with a minor when you first got together. He has managed to brainwash you and you have got to wake up and smell the coffee.

Are you seriously still dealing with a man who lives with another woman, supposedly because he does not want another man around his daughter? He is with his baby’s momma because she is being foolish and allowing him to bring diseases home to her. She has no self-esteem or self-respect and you are acting the same way. The day he confessed that he was living with her, fucking her, and loved her should have been the last day you had any form of contact with him; pure and simple. Him calling you to tell you to get checked out was commendable in a way but it was also the red flag of all red flags.

I realize that you are young but youth cannot be an excuse for your behavior. If you continue to have dealings with this man, he will continue to drain your bank account, chisel away at your remaining self-respect and use you like a piece of meat. Be grateful that you have not gotten pregnant, that you have not caught any diseases-that you know of-and that he is laid up in someone else’s home. Do not treat him like some sort of investment property because he made out like a bandit with your money. Chalk that up to bad decisions but do not continue to make the same bad choices over and over and expect a different result.


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