Tuesday, November 25, 2008

In Doubt About Love

Dear Zane,

I want to start off with YOU are a very gifted person. I love your books and I haven't been able to watch your show...YET. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now. It hasn't been a perfect relationship cause if it was, I wouldn't be writing this. He slept with his daughters' mother last summer. Against my gut feeling, we got back together. After that incident, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and went through almost a year of pain, therapy, meds, and not holding a job. He has financially supported me so I am thankful. I've tried to trust him but we've had issues with the baby mama, co-workers, and talking to other chicks on the phone. I've broken up with him, threatened to leave him, and threatened to show him how I feel by doing the same. The only problem is tit-4-tat has never been my style and I do love him. I feel financially, I would be fucked. I am starting a new job soon but once I start getting back on my feet money wise, I don't want to give him my ass to kiss. Most of my past relationships have involved domestic violence, the man being on drugs, and me being committed to the man. I feel the little stuff I put up with him is minor compared to what I could be dealing with. But all in all, my question is do I stay knowing there is a trust issue or just let him go?

Signed,
In Doubt



Dear In Doubt,

I am going to do something highly unusual for me. Most of the time, when a man has cheated, I immediately tell the woman to leave his ass. He slept with his ex last summer and he was dead wrong for that. However, he has supported you in your time of need and that is commendable. What it really comes down to for me is what are the current issues with his baby mama, co-workers and other chicks? If he is disrespecting you or sleeping around, his ass needs to go. If he has friends and has dealings with the mother of his child because, well, she is the mother of his child, then that is a different matter. But if you are truly unhappy, set yourself free. If you believe that he loves you, and will not cheat on your again, then maybe, just maybe, you should attempt to work things out.

Blessings,
Zane

UPDATE: Sometimes I respond to emails but do not post them to my blog right away. Thus I often get responses or updates back and that is such the case with this one. This is what the young lady decided to do:

Thank you so very much for taking time out your schedule to respond to my letter. After I sent you the message, my boyfriend and I sat down and had a long talk. The main problem I have is being able to trust him again. He admitted that he may not be mentally ready to give me the relationship that I want and I am not about to share him with other females. We decided to end the relationship and remain "friends". The friends thing is because I haven't started my new job yet and still need his help financially and we are roommates with two other friends in which the lease isn't up until March. After that, I am moving in a spot with my three kids and won't see him so regularly. I would like to make it work but talking to him told me that it's not going to stop. On that note, I wish you and your family Happy Thanksgiving.

MY RESPONSE:

Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. You have made the right and mature decision; as did he. Most people will not admit the truth, trying to save feelings that ultimately get hurt even worse. By realizing that the future is bleak, you have taken the first step to ensuring your happiness. Remember that you do not have to sacrifice your own happiness to help someone else.

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