Thursday, July 12, 2012
Dear Zane, I am one of your biggest fans. I recently finished your book called, Dear G Spot and I was thinking that you could give me your insight on what I am going through. I am 18 and about to turn 19, but I have recently been going through a dilemma. I am used to being in committed relationships, but I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a few months ago because he cheated and I feel like once you cheat, there is not more relationship because I will always have those trust issues with a person. Since then, I have not been myself. In public, I have always been very conservative, but in the bedroom I am always a freak and know exactly what to do to turn a man on. I recently started seeing someone and I know it is wrong because he is my college professor. He turns me on in every way, but it is killing me to keep us a secret because of all of the things that can go wrong if anyone was to ever find out. Here’s the twist, my heart is so broken over my ex, that I do not want to be committed to anyone at all. Aside from my professor telling me that he loves me and showing me in more ways than one, since my relationship ended, I have slept with 25 different men. All for one night stands, but I cant understand why I am doing this. This number is so high for me because in my lifetime before this, I have only slept with 3 people (from 13 to 18). I feel like a whore when I am alone and I think about the deeds that I have done, but I have been quick it brush it off and say that I can do what I want to do when I please. Can you help me? I need advise because I feel lost and these one night stands are not cutting it anymore. Why am I doing this to myself? Confused &HeartBroken MY RESPONSE: You need to talk to a college mental health counselor immediately, not about your relationship with your professor but about your sexual activity with so many different men. There is definitely an underlying cause for this that probably stems back to some repressed memories. Normally, when women email me stating that they are sex addicts, I do not agree. However, in your case, that is a definite possibility. Please do not allow another day to go by without seeking help, even if you call a hotline easily found on Google for people with sex addictions. It happens but thinking of yourself as a whore will not help. You are seeking something from these men that you believe is missing and that needs to be defined. You will be okay but I would also stop seeing the professor. Right now, you need to refrain from sex altogether because sleeping with so many men is putting his health in jeopardy. Please let me know what happens.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Dear Zane, There was a co-worker of mine and we worked together for a year and 4 months. She was close but not somebody I really befriended. One day I seen a friend of her walk in I noticed that we could not keep each other's eyes off of each other. He sold weed and she gave me his number we linked up on new years and he tried to get with me I told her and she spased on him, and we didnt talk again for another month. One day she told me that he can take me to the bank.. I said yes,realizing it was him when I proceded to walk to the car. I hopped in and he asked me why I would tell her, she was not his girl, he had no girl so there was no need to be worried. He began asking me about my plans for the future and asked how he could improve my life, I was turned on in a sense. He asked me did I braid and took my number down. A week later he called and asked could I braid his hair and I said yes am not turning down money for no one<3. He came over and ever since that day in febuary we have been together ever since. Every day he spends with me it began to become more than what was intended. He took me to places I've never been, If we're bored he'll say pack a bag and lets go to the tele. A lot different from the every day gangsters I deal with. However she found out beacuse my mother called her and told her that we were talking. Long story short it caused tension between us, she began harrasing and showing up to my house. We refuse to let anyone let us be apart, so even with the world coming down on us we still managed to stay as one. However there are a few problems in this partnership..he's a 24 year old man with a 4 bedroom apartment, a car and a job, but I never stay at his house anytime I suggest it he says" Am over he every night with you and plus i have a car if i dont bring you how are you going to get here?!" that makes no sense even tho I am 19 I am far from naive. That doesn't sound right. but do i have a right to nag if he is here with me every day,his clothes are in my drawer and his toothbrush is on my sink. He tells me about girls who give him money and what not..talks to them on speaker in front of me.!!However he is talking to this white girl who after 3 days gave him the car he tells me that he doesn't like white girls and he only uses her for the car, because his is in the shop. Am starting to think there is way more to the story... he was supposed to come back last night and didnt' he had her car last nite. I called him 2wice and sent a text early morning and got no reply.=[ he comes to the house today with the car. tells me that she dropped it off this morning at 6:15 and he bought her to work at 7. In my book there's no way a woman is doing all of that in the morning if he not sexin her right or wronng??if your up the early you seen my text and you don't respond..somethings weird bout that. He told me that she text him and said all this been when i asked to see the text....all of a sudden he didnt have it.???? he told me I was being imature...what do i do? # signed -we use to be lover, i dont think ill settle for just friends MY RESPONSE: Clearly, he is not truly your man and you know it. Just because he is putting on pretenses, that is no excuse to ignore the obvious. You are one of several women that he is dealing with and he is not going to stop. You need to stop before he ruins your entire life with a disease or an unwanted pregnancy. You are spending too much time analyzing his mind set when you need to analyze your own and why you would even put up with his nonsense. Darling, you are young but not stupid. If you continue with this false dream, it will come crashing down and you might never recover. I hope you listen to me.
Hello Zane, I would first and foremost like to say thank you for taking the time to read my email, secondly I truly enjoy your novels they are a nice escape for me because my real life isn't that interesting. Here is where I come to my situation I'm a 28 year old Solider in the Army, have been for almost ten years now and I have a seven year old son from a previous marriage. I live a normal life, activities with my son, church, school work for both of us and caring for my pooch. In 2010 I started an intimate relationship with a man I worked with; we agreed things would stay as such but with sex comes emotions and feelings. We eventually fell in love and I felt he was the one. We spent various holidays together, trips, and he even bonded to my son. He has a child from his younger days that is 13 and two other children 5 and 3 from his eight year marriage. I was okay with that because everyone has a life before someone. Throughout our relationship I did see "red flags" as they call it like him spending weeks at a time at my home without me even knowing where he lived; his reasoning was that he lived with his cousin and he did not want women brought to his home where he and his wife lived so I respected that. Then he could not produce a divorce decree, we discussed married after a year of being together but there was always an excuse that he wasn't ready. Never meeting his children because he said the mother wouldn't allow it so I had to respect that. Despite all this I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to seem like the stereotypical bitter divorced black woman whom had her husband cheat so all men must be cheaters or untrustworthy. The final "seeing red moment" came just before we deployed a year and a half into our relationship. He decided he wanted to get married upon our return from deployment, live together, finally have the kids together, and he even asked my family for my hand in marriage. A week later I was getting home from church, texted him a question and then came the phone call...."Why are you calling my husband?" In short he was still legally married, her and I spoke and didn't argue. Eventually by the end of the conversation he was truly living a double life! I went into a rage, smashed his car and told him if he ever saw me on the street to act like he never knew me. He was apologetic and said "it was so clear to me in my head, we are separated, we would have been together, everything would have been finalized by then." I saw him one day after we returned from deployment a year and a half. I still felt I needed closure, we spoke, I didn't want that anger on my heart so I just needed to know why? And if anything was it real? I felt I got what I needed and left as a friend because I truly did love him when we were together. A week later we decided to talk at my home, we spoke for hours, even laughed, feelings started to come back I thought were gone forever and one thing lead to another and now here I am with a married man whom says I'm his heart but doesn't know when we'll be together because his wife is using the kids to make him stay. I know I sound like an idiot especially now when I have knowledge of his situation but I can't help but feel DEEPLY in love with this man. We're drawn to each other and yet can't be because of his situation. I know I'm wrong, fully aware but in my heart it's like we're meant to be. In conclusion I'm leaving the service soon I've already got a job offer and I plan to continue my education at home but now I feel tied here because the love I have for him. Zane I would definitely like some advice on the road to take and from your readers as well. Please post this if possible to Facebook I would like to see the feedback. -Thank you Feelings tied to a married man MY RESPONSE: I am posting it on my blog at www.eroticanoir.blogspot.com since someone felt the need to report my Facebook page for a magazine cover. Ridiculous! Anyway, you already know what everyone is going to say. No one is going to suggest that you continue to deal with a married man who you have essentially placed your life on hold for. Nothing is going to change. This time next year, it will be the same thing. This time the year after that, it will be the same thing. If you want to be his lifetime mistress, get comfortable in that role. Many women are mistresses for decades. If you want a man of your own, you need to realize that will never happen with him, despite all the lies he tells you. He is not there for his children. He is there because he wants to be there; it is as simple as that. He is a real piece of work because he went really far with his lies, even with your family. I have a feeling that you will continue along this toxic path so I wish you well with it and pray that you will come to your senses while you are still young enough to start a real family with another man.
Hey Zane, I have recently started following your page on Facebook and I love your advice and would love to hear how you feel about this situation I am going through. You can also post on facebook any advice is welcomed. I am a 23yr old woman engaged to a wonderful 21yr old man we will be getting married in less than 2months.....but his adopted mother has been throwing stones at our relationship since the beginning. Just to give you a little insight my fiance lost his leg in a train accident when he was 15, but he's still a happy, funny and loving person that doesn't let any of that bother him. A little while into our relationship he told me she was taking all of his disability check, making it seem he was incapable of handling it his self, when he's a bright young man and just trusted she was doing right by him. She handled all his business, and I give it to her she did what had to be done. But when we decided to get married she started lying on me, telling him I only wanted his money, that I had credit cards in his name, but when I met him I knew he didn't have a job and I didn't even know he had lost his leg, because when he has his fake leg on and pants you cant tell unless he says something about it. I just knew he was a great person and that I wanted to get to know him better. To clear my name even though he believed me, i looked on his credit report only to find he only had one thing on his report and it looked liked a house loan. So now we wondering if the house that she bought before I met him is in his name. There's a lot of talk about my fiance having money put away from the train accident and that's why she doesn't want him to get married. But I was here when he was broke and I treated him no differently. I really want to have a relationship with her because I love her son with all my heart, but how can I just sit and smile when she's trying to ruin our wonderful relationship? We have worked so hard, we have our own house, our wedding is paid for(with no help from his side) and that really bothers him. She treats him like a little kid and has no respect for him as a man. He has matured and respects me to the fullest, I just want to make him happy and have a relationship with his mother, BUT I won't let her break up our happy home. MY RESPONSE: It is obvious that her main interest in preventing him from getting married is financial. I would not allow her to control a thing and as a grown man, he can handle his own money. If she is somehow getting the money via mail, he needs to change the address. If she is getting it automatically deposited into her account, he needs to stop that immediately. There is nothing she can do about it unless the courts have made her his legal guardian past the age of adulthood. As far as the mortgage on his credit report, you can easily found out what that is about by calling the company listed, giving his social security number and finding out. If she did that without his knowledge, they will handle that. He should not be worried about the wedding costs because the bride's family generally covers the expenses. Just be happy that you have found a good man. A lot of women are still looking. If she wants to act a fool, that is on her and if it goes too far, I would not allow her to attend the wedding. That is your special day. Good luck.
Dear Zane I love your books. I have read a good amount of them and have been for almost six years now. I really enjoy all the advice that your books have and the great storylines. I admire your view on sex and how you allow your characters ( especially the women) to feel and be sexually free. Thanks for writing how I feel I guess…. But I am in a bit of trouble and could use some serious help. My man and I have just started dating so I don’t feel obligated to have sex with him. As much as my mind objects to the idea of being sexually involved so early, my body just speaks a totally different language when I’m around him. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out because ever since we started dating my sex drive has been crazy. I have to masturbate at least four times a day just to be sexually satisfied before I go to sleep. What should I do? I want to please my man and myself but I think it is way too early in the relationship to do so. If I was a man I’m sure I’d have blue balls by now. Also I need some advice on how to give good head because maybe if we please each other orally this problem may lessen or go away till we decide to have sex. What’s the best position and how can I really impress my man. It’s not my first time but I want my first time with HIM to be the best yet. Sincerely Loaded Chocolate Bomb MY RESPONSE: For the life of me, I cannot figure out why you young ladies believe that having oral sex is different than engaging in the sexual act. Both are intense forms of intimacy and you are not going to earn any extra brownie points by holding out on the goods if you are going to give him head. Just my opinion. As far as technique, I literally wrote the book on that one. Dear G Spot: Straight Talk about Love, Sex, and Relationships breaks every type of sex down in detail. You can also go to Sexinfo101.com and check out all of their positions and sex tips. Good luck.
Hello Zane, I love your books! I know the world is going crazy over the Shades Grey trilogy but those book have nothing on yours. With that said this is my issue. I been have been going steady with a young lady who is everything to me in my life. She is beautiful inside and out. She is everything this man needs and more. We do not argue and the communication is great. I grasp the concept of listening and talking to my lady. Sex is good! At first she use to like me playing with ass hole as she rides me but now she does not like it. And you know how men ask their lady for some loving. She does not like that so I stop, because she said it makes her feel pressured to have sex. So I just initiate sex by kissing her and rubbing her all over. But then when I am in initiating mode, out no where she will say:" what are you doing" and she uses that line lot and at first it would not bother me but now my wood gets limp when she says it. We have discussed it and she said I am over thinking things. She is more of a free sprit when she have a few hooks in her and sex is off the chain. But when she is sober I have to ask for oral, lick my ass or ride me backward things like that. Now she tells me she like doing these things but if I do not suggest it, it will not want happen. What should I do? Thanks Overthinkingman MY RESPONSE: You have to realize that your woman may not be as sexual as you are naturally. Having to ask her to do things means that she is either doing them solely to please you or she is uncomfortable with initiating such things. My suggestion is to go with the flow and stop over thinking the matter, like she said. You do not want her to feel like you are only engaged in the relationship because of sex or make her feel like she is not up to par sexually...not if you truly care about her. Great communication and no arguments go a long way. You may not find that in another woman so easily. I would be patient and maybe if you stop putting her on the spot, she will start feeling more at-ease and do things out of the blue to shock you. Good luck.