Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Feelings Tied to a Married Man: An Advice Question

Hello Zane, I would first and foremost like to say thank you for taking the time to read my email, secondly I truly enjoy your novels they are a nice escape for me because my real life isn't that interesting. Here is where I come to my situation I'm a 28 year old Solider in the Army, have been for almost ten years now and I have a seven year old son from a previous marriage. I live a normal life, activities with my son, church, school work for both of us and caring for my pooch. In 2010 I started an intimate relationship with a man I worked with; we agreed things would stay as such but with sex comes emotions and feelings. We eventually fell in love and I felt he was the one. We spent various holidays together, trips, and he even bonded to my son. He has a child from his younger days that is 13 and two other children 5 and 3 from his eight year marriage. I was okay with that because everyone has a life before someone. Throughout our relationship I did see "red flags" as they call it like him spending weeks at a time at my home without me even knowing where he lived; his reasoning was that he lived with his cousin and he did not want women brought to his home where he and his wife lived so I respected that. Then he could not produce a divorce decree, we discussed married after a year of being together but there was always an excuse that he wasn't ready. Never meeting his children because he said the mother wouldn't allow it so I had to respect that. Despite all this I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to seem like the stereotypical bitter divorced black woman whom had her husband cheat so all men must be cheaters or untrustworthy. The final "seeing red moment" came just before we deployed a year and a half into our relationship. He decided he wanted to get married upon our return from deployment, live together, finally have the kids together, and he even asked my family for my hand in marriage. A week later I was getting home from church, texted him a question and then came the phone call...."Why are you calling my husband?" In short he was still legally married, her and I spoke and didn't argue. Eventually by the end of the conversation he was truly living a double life! I went into a rage, smashed his car and told him if he ever saw me on the street to act like he never knew me. He was apologetic and said "it was so clear to me in my head, we are separated, we would have been together, everything would have been finalized by then." I saw him one day after we returned from deployment a year and a half. I still felt I needed closure, we spoke, I didn't want that anger on my heart so I just needed to know why? And if anything was it real? I felt I got what I needed and left as a friend because I truly did love him when we were together. A week later we decided to talk at my home, we spoke for hours, even laughed, feelings started to come back I thought were gone forever and one thing lead to another and now here I am with a married man whom says I'm his heart but doesn't know when we'll be together because his wife is using the kids to make him stay. I know I sound like an idiot especially now when I have knowledge of his situation but I can't help but feel DEEPLY in love with this man. We're drawn to each other and yet can't be because of his situation. I know I'm wrong, fully aware but in my heart it's like we're meant to be. In conclusion I'm leaving the service soon I've already got a job offer and I plan to continue my education at home but now I feel tied here because the love I have for him. Zane I would definitely like some advice on the road to take and from your readers as well. Please post this if possible to Facebook I would like to see the feedback. -Thank you Feelings tied to a married man MY RESPONSE: I am posting it on my blog at since someone felt the need to report my Facebook page for a magazine cover. Ridiculous! Anyway, you already know what everyone is going to say. No one is going to suggest that you continue to deal with a married man who you have essentially placed your life on hold for. Nothing is going to change. This time next year, it will be the same thing. This time the year after that, it will be the same thing. If you want to be his lifetime mistress, get comfortable in that role. Many women are mistresses for decades. If you want a man of your own, you need to realize that will never happen with him, despite all the lies he tells you. He is not there for his children. He is there because he wants to be there; it is as simple as that. He is a real piece of work because he went really far with his lies, even with your family. I have a feeling that you will continue along this toxic path so I wish you well with it and pray that you will come to your senses while you are still young enough to start a real family with another man.


Anonymous said...

Leave him alone that is all

Anonymous said...

Please leave him alone. Love is a great feeling But if you gotta suppress your
relationship because he's married that isn't love.

Unknown said...

Ask yourself this, Is he cheating on his wife? Has he been a lier in the past to both his wife and me? Even after his wife found out about me, isnt he still both lying & cheating? Is this the type of man I would want my son to turn out to be? ..not trying to put you down in any way, but honestly if your answer is YES to ALL of these questions then so would it be to this, Is this the type of man I would want to be with for eternity?

MistresstoWife said...

I pray that you find closure with this. For some reason I've never heard a man say that they were staying w/ their wife simply because he loves her. There is always an excuse, the kids, the money, the family. Never the truth, I love my wife and I'm not leaving.
I have heard of men leaving their wives but for him to go to such lengths (for eample asking for your hand in marriage)it makes him a complete liar who not only didn't care enough about you to leave you alone but he didn't care about your son either. Is it worth it? Wouldn't you have peace of mind by yourself....You have to begin your healing process and the only way to do that is to move on w/ your life. If he does leave her and persues his relationship w/ you...would you trust him? would you even want him anymore? I think right now it's simply about wanting him and not being able to have him....Once you get him, if you ever do, you will look at him like, really? Is this who I cried so many nights over...did I make the right decision??? Is this really going to work out? Have I wasted all these years? Will I ever be happy? take it from one who knows.

african woman said...

Nice post! I really enjoy reading your helpful insights. I do agree with all the nice inputs you've mention above and thanks for this one.

Anonymous said...

To the writer of this post I understand u I myself got involved with a married man and have a child from it its not al u think it is I wish I would have been wiser and opened my eyes sooner move on and find someone who is mentally pnysically and emotionaly available ul b happier with yourself take care

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