Bending Over Backwards for a Man

Dear Zane,

I desperately need your advice on my situation with my baby's father. We have been together for one year and we had a baby together at the beginning of our relationship. Everything was good between us, so we moved in together and everything. I was pregnant when we moved in. I was stressed and tired a lot and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she always wants my attention, and she used to always sleep with me so she wasn't used to sleeping by herself, so I decided to sleep with her. Since me being pregnant, when I laid down with my daughter, I fell into a deep sleep and woke up the next morning.

My baby's father took it upon himself to talk with one of his old female friends about relationships and stuff, just because he thought I wasn't into him anymore. We sat down and talked and I told him that he needs to stop talking to that female and I will lay with my daughter until she falls asleep, then come into the room with him. I started to do that, then I was feeling a weird vibe from him. Something was telling me that he never stopped talking to that girl so I decided to go through his phone. I had asked him if he really stopped and he told me, yes, he did. I went through his phone and found a lot of text talking about relationships and he even told her that he isn't with me anymore; I just didn't know it yet. That got me pissed. Yeah, I should have left him right then and there, but I decided to forgive him because he is my baby's father and I loved him.

That situation was over and my mom and little sister needed a place to go because they just came back from Kansas, so I talked with my baby's father about it and he told them, yeah, they can stay here. I have a little sister and she can be a little disrespectful but what kid isn't? I told my mom to talk to my sister about it, and she stopped. My baby's father told me that I have to tell them to leave today. They had nowhere to go and I told him that I'm not going to have my mom and sister out on the street, and he told me they can find somewhere to go. I thought that was pretty messed up so I told him, NO I'M NOT GOING TO PUT MY FAMILY OUT, just because you don't like them. So he broke up with me. He moved out. My mom and little sister was already going to leave in 3 days, but he wanted them out that night. I didn't think that was right. He told me that I didn't care about his feelings just because I didn't tell my family to leave when he wanted me to. He wanted me to just jump and listen to what he says when it came down to my family. So he broke up with me.

My son was only 6 months old when he left. Now my son cries every time he is with him and he actually blames me for everything that happened. Then, he apologized for blaming me and for calling me weak and that he wanted his family back. I decided to pour my heart out to him and express how I felt about him, because I didn't do that when we were together. I didn't show him the affection that he needs, and he didn't show me affection either and our sex wasn't that good.I still love my baby's father and I tried to express that to him through communicating with him my feelings. I told him that I was willing to change for him and meet his standards in a relationship. I was talking about me changing for him. He listened to me while I talked, then once he started to talk he said, okay, that is all good, but then he started bringing up stuff from our past relationship. Then I told him, he just turned me off from wanting to start over with him because he showed me that he is still putting a grudge on me for the way I treated him. If I'm trying to talk to him about change, then why does he have to bring up mynegative actions? I understand he wants to know what it is he is about to get himself into,but I'm sitting here telling him what I'm going to change, but he still questioned me. I'm sitting here telling him but he still brings up our past. Is that right or wrong? To me that is wrong because I'm telling him what I need to do to become a better companion and he still brings up the negative.So I told him that he turned me off from wanting to try and start over again, because he just proved to me that he doesn't believe in me, because I poured my heart out to him and I told him that I'm willing to change for him, and what I'm going to do to change and be the woman that he needs. It sounded to me that he doesn't trust me and have faith in me. He really hurt me, because all he could do was bring up negative situations, in which I thought he was over with. Do you think it was necessary for him to bring up negative situations, when I'm trying to tell him how I'm going to change? Do you think it is worth it in trying to get back with him? It seems to me he is a very difficult man to deal with? Do you think it's worth it? Can I get some advice on this?

Thanks. I would really appreciate it!

Signed,
Trying to Make Things Work


Dear Trying to Make Things Work,

No, it is not worth trying to get back with him. He is certainly no prize. Even if you can get past him talking to the other woman—which for me would have been a deal breaker—the final straw should have been the day he tried to demand that you kick your own mother and sister out of the house. I would have cracked his head open to the white meat, pure and simple. How dare he? I can understand him not wanting your sister to disrespect him. She was wrong for that. But since they were leaving in a few days anyway, he is a total ass for his behavior and in my humble opinion, not even a real man.

Men kill men when they try to justify injecting another female into a relationship as soon as things start going downhill. He is selfish and immature, even in regards to your daughter. He needs to be compassionate to the fact that your child was not used to sleeping alone and that you were being a good mother by helping her adjust. He is not father material but unfortunately you have to live with the fact that you do share a child with him.

Let him go on his merry way and find someone else to deal with his bullshit. He needs to be in his child's life but you need to keep him out of yours when it comes to intimacy. He is a snake. You are willing to make a bunch of changes for him and I commend that, but he is not worth it. He will constantly throw shit up in your face and it will never end. Sooner or later you will find yourself keeping "A Journal of Cruelty" listing all the backass crap that comes from his mouth.
I know that letting go of this toxic relationship will be difficult; change is never easy but you deserve a happy life. Fuck being miserable for his benefit. This man does not give a damn about you. He proved that when he tried to tell ole girl that things were over and you just did not know it yet. Things are over, they have been over. He is playing a game with you to see how far you will go to stroke his ego. Tell him to go get his shit stroked somewhere else.

Blessings,
Zane