Tuesday, November 25, 2008

When You Keep Changing the Parameters of a Relationship

Dear Zane,

I met this guy about two years ago and since we have both recently gotten out of bad relationships, we decided to be friends. As we got to know each other, we seemed to have a lot in common. He started to come over my house every day and then we started to fuck every day but we were still just friends. Then one night, he told me that he loved me. At that point, I didn’t love him so I didn’t say it. But then, after he was coming over every day to have sex, I started to fall in love with him so I said it.

Somehow, we became best friends who had sex and I started falling for him even more. We had mutual feelings but it was still only a friendship. I slowed him down from coming over my house so we could be normal best friends but I was still feeling him. Then I moved to another city in Illinois to go to school and, at that point, we both got into relationships with other people. When I came home, we fucked. That happened about three times and then, after that, he stopped texting and calling and only talking to me on Yahoo. When we talked, it was about our relationships with the others. I guess that was the normal relationship that I asked for. He was telling me how he liked this girl and that girl and I used to get mad but never let him know. Then he started to fuck the girls that he lived and I wanted to cry. I started to pull myself away from him and now I don’t talk to him at all. He calls, texts, and everything but I don’t pay him any mind. I do love him and want to be with him. Do you think I am wrong?

Searching for Answers

Dear Searching for Answers,

In this case, there is a thin line between right and wrong. However, you are probably fighting a losing battle for many reasons. You started out as friends, then became friends with benefits, then two people in love and then back to friends. At the point where you both professed to be in love with each other, that should have sealed a serious relationship and not continued to be a fuck thing. It was more than that, whether you acknowledged it or not.

Your solution was to cut off the sex and go back to being friends, at your demand. You determined the parameters of the situation. By moving away (nothing wrong with that) it became his right to be a normal man and seek out love and sex with other women. You came back a few times, laid it on him, and somehow expected him to forsake all others, even though you had someone new. Your emotions are normal but you cannot have your cake and eat it too. He feels close enough to you to discuss his feelings for other women and you have to accept that. If it is too painful for you to accept, then you should continue not having contact with him. Your only other option is to be prepared to make a true commitment to him and ask him for that. He can either say yes or no, based on where he is in this life. But you have to understand that he has had experiences since you, and so have you since him. Picking up the pieces is not always easy but it can happen if both people are mature enough and determined enough to make it work.


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