Saturday, November 22, 2008

Searching for Hope

Dear Zane,

I am a 20-year-old female who needs your advice. I was dating this guy for about 5 months and, at first, everything was good and we were happy. He even got a job in the same area so that he could be closer to me. When we first met, we said it was not going to become anything more than friends with benefits. The best part was the sex. He had what I was looking for and we enjoyed each other's company.

After 5 months of dating and spending time together, he lost his job. By not having much family here, only but an aunt, he was missing his sisters since he's parents had passed. I told him not to feel so down; although it must have been hard for him. I suggested that he go see his sisters, spend some family time, and get away from all this stress. So he complied. Around this time it was the holiday, and that's when it all went very wrong and the relationship was falling apart. Let me tell you, before that, we started liking each other more than what we had both agreed to in the beginning. In fact, he told me he LOVED me first and I can't lie; I was starting to feel the same way. The part that hurt the most was he agreed to go to Atlanta to spend some time with the family he had left, but he didn't even tell me that he was leaving. I called him 3 days later, when he was in Atlanta, wondering why I hadn't heard from him. He didn't tell me he was leaving and didn't give me the chance to say goodbye. I was so angry and hurt about it all at first. I didn't understand but, over time, I grew to accept it all. On top of that, I kept asking him when was he coming back and he kept saying he didn't know.

As time went on, I became sadder and lonelier than ever because I was missing him. For some reason I looked to my male friends for comfort and, sorry to say, even sex. I was still missing him more than ever though, and still do to this very moment. Almost every day I called him to talk but with no result. It took about 7-8 months before we were able to talk and try and communicate again because he was working so much that he never had time to talk. To try and make it a little shorter, last month we were talking and he asked me to marry him. I said yes, but I feel like I made a mistake. We have been living in two different states for about 11 months, apart and away from each other, which hurt more than I ever imagined. But I don't feel connected with him anymore and feel like I'm falling out of love with him and I am feeling more attracted to someone else. I feel so lost and confused in life about love. Now it's been 2 weeks since the last time since I have heard from him and I have been calling but not getting an answer. At some point I feel like there is no hope for us. That's all I have right now, but thank you so much for taking time out of you busy schedule to read my e-mail.

Searching for Hope

Dear Searching for Hope,

One thing is perfectly clear. You should not marry this man anytime soon, if ever. You have doubts, your feelings have changed, you are attracted to someone else, fucking other men, and the man who proposed to you has not called you in two weeks. Hell to the no! This situation has red flags all over the place.

First of all, even if he was busy working for seven or eight months, people make time for what is significant to them. I challenge anyone to say that they have a more hectic lifestyle or list of daily responsibilities than me, but all of that comes to a halt when it comes down to spending time with those I love. Everything else simply has to wait. Unless he was working around the clock with no phone access, then there is no excuse. He was not in a prison camp, was he?
As I was reading your email, I was about to say that he had moved on and could not bring himself to tell you---until I read the part about the proposal. He has some deep-rooted issues that you are not equipped to deal with. No man proposes and then disappears off the radar screen for two weeks. Is he expecting you to move to Atlanta? You would be a fool to even consider it. What you need to tell him, whenever he resurfaces again, is that while you still have feelings for him, you are not prepared to make any rash decisions and the two of you need to get reacquainted as friends before anything else.

Your mind is racing all over the place and you need to use your common sense. Deep in your heart, you realize that this all stinks to high heaven. You would be setting yourself up for a life of misery if you run off and marry him. If it were me, the relationship would not continue at all but I am not you. Even if you continue to communicate with him, be his friend and nothing more.



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