Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Am I Ready?

Dear Zane,

I married at 19 and within the first year, found myself unhappy and ready to call it quits. By year 2, I had cheated and turned right around and told my husband. I think this was my way out but I was a coward about it. I stayed and fell into the "Good Wife" role, ignoring the fact that I was unhappy because I thought guilt outweighed unhappiness. By year 4, I had cheated again and vowed never to tell my husband, never to do it again and if I did...it wouldn't be cheating because I would be a single woman. I obviously didn't want to be here. He found out about a year later. In year 5 we had a baby (I had gotten back into "Guilty Good Wife" routine).

By year 6, I had had enough of trying and by year 7, we were divorced. This relationship was mentally draining and I had built up some emotional walls to help me stay in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I am afraid emotionally and physically, I will take these problems into my next relationship. Since I have been a single woman (Since Feb 08), I have gotten to do a lot of the things I didn't allow myself to do because I was married so young. I have found them to be fun but not fulfilling. I have also found that when trying to be in a new relationship, I cheat. I have found myself juggling 3 guys at a time.

This guy I am with now, he was my friend first and heard the stories about the other guys. We were finally intimate after 8 months of friendship. It was great but soon after, I fell into old habits. The first month we were together, I cheated twice. The problem could be that I never considered myself his girlfriend. I have been faithful for months two and three but find myself asking the question why...I do not want to be anyone's wife right now but I also do not want several partners. I would like one guy but I do not want to feel caged in. So far, in this new relationship, he has found naughty text messages between me and a guy I was with before him and I lied about something small and told him right away.

What is wrong with me? Maybe I just do not want to be in a relationship or maybe he just is not the one. I am thinking that when the one comes I will know but I hope that when the one comes, I am not too busy looking behind him trying to figure if he is the one to notice. Or maybe I am not ready so soon after my divorce to date. I just don't know how to work on the issues in my backpack from my marriage. Zane, what do you think?

Am I Ready

Dear Am I Ready,

I believe that you need to take time to heal after your divorce. Even though you were the one constantly cheating, your ex-husband was a part of your life for a long time. As far as you sleeping with all of these men, it almost seems like some sort of defense mechanism, even during your marriage. It is almost as if you feel, deep down inside, that as long as you are not totally committed to one man, you somehow have the upper hand in a relationship.

I am not suggesting that it is against the rules for a single woman to date several men and exercise her options. The problem with you is that you want to be in a relationship but still roam. This is a reversal of the way a lot of men think. Men will be dating more than one woman at a time but lead each one to believe they are the only one. That way, they believe that all the women will be monogamous with them, even though they are fucking around. They cannot deal with the thought of their women bedding other men. Your plight seems similar. You want a man to be with only you but you want to have a sense of freedom and the ability to step out, if you want. You say that you do not want to sleep with various men and you also do not want to feel caged in. You have no idea what you really want and there is no rush. Take your time. You have not even been single a year.

As for your current man, you two may be better off remaining friends. Tell him that even though you have been intimate for three months, in all fairness, you are not ready to make a commitment and you do not want to ruin your friendship. Otherwise you are stirring up a recipe for disaster.



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