Friday, November 28, 2008

Dateless Single Mother

Dear Zane,

I have been reading your books for about 6 years now. I read Addicted first and was all up in the bookstore as more of your books came out. Let me get to my problem.I am 31 year old divorced mother of 3 children. I was divorced about 6 years ago and I have not been in a relationship since then. The first few years it was fine with me because I was just rediscovering life as a single woman. But now it is starting to bother me. I have tried the dating thing, but every man that I thought I was dating wasn't really interested in me. They seemed to be more interested in just having the "friends with benefits" kind of relationship. I feel like I am too old for it now. I was starting to think that something was wrong with me, so that’s why men wouldn’t take me seriously. Then I asked someone that I had dated previously and was told that men are afraid of me because I have 3 kids. I just don’t understand how me being able to date has anything to do with me having kids. People do it all the time, or so I thought. So my question is this, do men really run away from women that have children, and if they do, then why even act interested if they are not going to take that woman seriously?

Thank you,
Dateless Single Mother

Feel free to use this in your blog, I am interested in what people think about this.

Dear Dateless Single Mother,

The fact that you have children might have something to do with it when it comes to being in a serious relationship but like you said, why even approach you or get with you in the first place. If you are dating men who do not have children, that may be the problem. I notice on a lot of the reality dating shows that the first contestant often eliminated is the one with kids because the other party is still looking to have fun and not be tied down. Many people assume—especially arrogant men—that women with children are searching for a baby’s daddy and not simply a man.

I have no idea what kind of vibes you are giving off but there are men out there who love kids and would welcome the opportunity to get to know you. You should seek out men in similar situations though. I have kids and the men that I date tend to have kids so it is a mutual thing. I honestly shy away from men without kids because I do not feel that they could A)totally comprehend that my children come first and B)understand that I do not plan on having any more kids. That is a personal preference of mine and everyone is entitled to that. I do not try to hide it though.

You need to be upfront with men you meet from this point forward and ask them straight up if they have an issue with you being a mother. If they do, let them keep moving on so you can save yourself a bunch of heartache. It will be interesting to see what others think.



Attorney said...

Hey there!

The reason why men are running away from you is indeed your children.

Why they are running away? Well, it's pretty simple: it's good old "baggage" thing.

I mean, look at this from mens' point of view: "Why should I date her? I will never be her Number 1 in our relationship, her child will be her No. 1 (as it should be, I must admit). And even if I was her No.1, then that means that she doesn't prioritize her children at first place, which means she is not a devoted mother as she should be despite being the single mom. I can forget sleep-overs, having tons of time for cuddling, it's all because of a child of her. Even if I choose to ignore all the entitlements mentioned earlier, how about his real father? He might get jealous as there often happens, and start stalking his ex... But even if I decide to ignore this as well, then how about finances... It is a well known fact that single parenthood is very likely to have a higher risk of poverty, which means that I will need to spend MY money of others children... And how about "accustomizing"? What if nothing happens from our relationship and that single mother will sue me because her children "accustomed" with me (or, should I say, what I can offer)? Then I would need to pay alimony for children that aren't even mine (at least in, United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, SIngapore, Hong Kong, Austria and some other Western countries)!!! Ok, and if there is everything alright, everything succeed, and I ignore even THIS LEGAL STUFF and etc, but... 3 children? How about my children? She already has 3 children, 4th child might not be acceptable for her as it would be a very tough to handle with 4 or even more children. And at the end I want to create, not inherit a family after all... So, no, lady, I say NO to you. You have already fucked up your life, so now live with it".

You've fucked up, girl. Now live with it. You are nothing more but damaged goods... I'm sorry to say that for you.

Anonymous said...

attorney your an idiot if she was a man with three kids would he be damaged good no women with kids just have 2 accept her situation and hope for the best especially with men around your kids u have 2 know them well enough to trust them and that's the hard part

Attorney said...

No, I am NOT an idiot, and you know it. Speaking of single fathers... 9 times from 10 women get the child (I have seen it, so don't argue with that), so single fathers here actually are irrelevent. Then again - you're right - they would also be damaged (used) goods, just like single mothers.

For all guys out there: DON'T EVER DATE A SINGLE MOTHER! This one is from My experience. Just... don't do that.

Anonymous said...

She's divorced dummy she didn't go have children with random men!!! Girl don't worry about this ignorant reply... God has someone for everyone even when u don't think so... There are who can't have children and want them... Keep your head up...

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