Yet Another Shape-Shifting Man

Dear Zane,

I recently met a man who I instantly fell in love with and he felt the same. We click very well. Unfortunately he was only here in my hometown for three months so he decided we should continue this relationship, making it a long distance relationship. He has to continually come back and forth here for his job. Did I mention that he is the perfect gentleman; sweet, honest, passionate, caring, thoughtful. You name it and that’s him. He has an excellent career; he is a college grad, was in the military and even played college football. He is very smart and he does his thing. He’s the best man anyone could want!

So he leaves to go back home and he said before he leaves that this is going to work and for me to trust him and he loves me. I was like, okay, maybe it will. I’m faithful and I know he works a lot so it shouldn’t be much to worry about. He told me about his life at home, his ex-wife, kids and family, all that. So I was like okay, no problem. Then he gets home and he barely answers his phone and when he does answer, or calls me, he says the battery was dead or he worked late and all that so it really doesn’t bother me because I figure he hasn’t been home in 6 months so he wants time with his family.

Now it’s time to go to another state for work; he travels a lot. I’m getting calls all the time and every time I call, he answers or texts. Three weeks go by and he says, babe, the job is ending. I’m going back home. The day he goes back home, he texted me happy birthday and that he loves me and all that, then for two days now, he doesn’t call or return my text and when I call, guess what? The phone is off so being the smart ass black women that I am, I called his work cell, which I don’t ever do because it’s strictly for work. He answers, saying he's sick and asking me what’s wrong. I’m like, you tell me, and I was like, call me back when you get time. It’s been four hours and he hasn’t called back yet. Now my question is, knowing he probably already had a girl back home and he never mentioned it and just making believe it’s not true and with the call today, reality really set in. I don’t want to believe he has someone there at home but I don’t understand how he can basically have 2 lives. He said he loves me every day and he misses me and all the good stuff but is it true?

What should I do from this point on? I am about in tears here at work because I truly love this man and damn it, I told my momma about him. My kids love him and everything. Damn, I am in shock for real but, honestly, I kind of knew it but just didn’t want to believe it because he is so damn perfect (too good to be true; that’s what my friends always say) so why wouldn’t he have someone but why would he start a whole life with me, saying he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and all that good stuff? Please help.


Signed,
Pissed Right Now


Dear Pissed Right Now,

The writing is all over the wall. You admit that you “kind of knew it.” Now you have simply been proven right. He cannot call you or communicate when he is at home because his woman—possibly even his wife who is not really an ex—is there with him. He might be the perfect man but he is likely spreading himself pretty thin. The pain and anger that you currently feel will follow you all the days of your life if you continue to act a fool over this man. You are a side piece and he has no reason to change that as long as you accept it. You have involved your children and to continue to let him play games with you, you are in effect playing games with the emotions of your kids.

He said the right things to you; no good men usually do. Women love to hear what makes them feel special, and you felt that way until he showed his true colors. He has shown them and, from this moment on, anything else he does to mislead you is your fault and yours alone. You know the deal; now deal with him and move on.

Blessings,
Zane