I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.
You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.
The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.