Wednesday, December 3, 2008

When Your Husband Has No Sex Drive

Dear Zane,

I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.


Dear Lonely,

You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.

The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.



Anonymous said...

Lonley, i know how you feel. I'm in my 30' and my man is in his 50's we have been together for 14 yrs. Well about the 7th year he's sex drive drove far away from home. He's been on a lotion medication for testosterone and it REALLY works. Before this medication I would tell him he need to find some way to please me because like you I didn't want to cheat on him and I wouldn't dare leave him who loves me for someone to just fuck me. Love can last a lifetime but a fuck can be only five minutes. Find a way to fall in love with him cause you might not find it anywhere else. Good luck and God bless you.

Lonely said...

Thank you Anonymous,
That REALLY gives me encouragement to "do the right thing" and stay in the marriage. I might need to take a break but I will NEVER cheat on him. I love him to much to hurt him like that. Thank you Zane and thank you Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

lonely, you must keep in mind that chose this part of your life and I like zane want tell you what to do but i will say this to you. it is very hard to find someone that will love you thourgh trials so i say put yourself in his place and see that he may find it difficult not being able to please you with penetration. yrt you MUST talk to him and let him know that there are way pleasure can be achieved through oral and toys. you two have talk above all else and really think of what you two are willing to try and please each other, TALK TO HIM. sex fucking or whatever you want to call it, it is a hell of a lot better when you love someone and they love you. best wishes.
good luck

Lonely said...

This is to everyone that has written in and commented on this blog about my situation. First I "thank-you" from the bottom of my heart. I no longer feel alone. Zane "thank-you" for blessing me and others by publishing this question. Also I was wondering how many questions do you receive such as this one that I posed? If you receive alot of these questions do you have a plan to write anything about these with a more sexual twist to it?

Just wondering :~)

Mr. Reality Check said...

Just call me "Mr. Reality Check"

There is no doubt that you put yourself in this situation and yeah we all "stop having sex" at some point in time but it damn sure ain't 30yrs old and it certainly is typically mutual between two old ass married people. In this case it really is like you knew the train was rusted, busted and slowing down but you jumped on anyhow for purposes of loyalty and now your shocked that the engines completely dysfunctional and shot to shit!

I don't believe that your husband owes it to you to do anything more than what his nature demands of him to do, which is this case is nothing. Likewise, I do believe that you also owe it to yourself to do what your nature demands of you, which is something.

The fact is your husband says he doesn't trust you because he knows that if he were in your situation he would be balls deep in some other woman's sweetness and he also believes that any mammal (yes, MAMMAL) in their right mind would be doing the same... and guess what? HE'S RIGHT!!

You're too young to be moping around worried about hurting this dude's feelings. What you need to do is get your mind right while you're still young enough to. Sure, find whatever lotion, medicine, tools or magic potion there is out there and see if you can get them to work.. but don't trust in the hope or the magic for too long because odds are its just a fix but not a cure.

This is HIS problem and not yours.. you were just simple enough to believe that when you got in this relationship that "love will cure all." You're so caught up in feeling selfless sorrow for him you're missing out on the best years of your life. Meanwhile back at the ranch, his best days are long gone yet he's selfishly exploiting your weakness for him and his situation. A crazy question... WHAT ABOUT YOU?! As I see it the real cure to this problem is 1 of 3 things;

1. Be honest and forthright with him, tell him you love and adore him but a woman has needs that, unfortunately, he is unable to fulfill and your unwilling to continue to deal with that. So, if the magic potions don't work, he needs to curb his ego and invest in some strap on's or you're going to have to need a few nights of "time away" from him every now and then to have your needs taken care of by someone else. You really never know... he might like to watch sometime.

2. Be honest with yourself but not forthright with him, love and adore him and get your freak on the side.

3. Be real as real can be and leave on a good note. Divorce as friends and find you another "good man" with a working package. THERE ARE PLENTY if you know what you're doing.

Regardless of what some of the women here think a good man isn't THAT HARD to find... most of them just need to step their game up but they're rather make excuses and blame because of the convenience. If you decide to go with the 3rd options here's how you bag a good man.

Bagging A Good Man For Dummies:

1. Get Noticed -- Be Fine & Stylish. If you haven't seen the gym in some years and frequent it regularly now's the time! Good-looking, fit, stylish men like good-looking, fit and stylish women (TRUST ME!!)

2. Go to spots where good men go.

3. Let him take you out the 1st time but make sure you offer to take him out the 2nd time around. Treat that good man to at least HALF of the dates and show him a good time. The fact is most men measure a woman's value on the dollar to worth scale ($:W). At some point in time (sooner or later) the man you're dating is going to ask himself "is the money I'm spending on THIS chick worth it or should I a.) get another one b.) chill alone or with my boys?" If he answers "No" then out the door you go and in with another option. What you have to do is make his answer a no-brainer "HELL YES!!" And then keep it that way, and the best way to do that is by lowering the money he's spending on you.

Don't fuck him the 1st few dates though because he might get to thinking you're loose. Wait until the 3rd or 4th date (or 2 weeks, whichever comes last) then fuck him slow and make sure not to hold back on the moans and groans. Don't get to screaming yet (even if you are) because that might turn him of. If his dick is really hitting the right spots just cover your mouth and scream into your hand or pillow (DAMN!! We LOOOOVE that shit!) and... lol, excuse me... I digress..

In summary, you need to make moves NOW while you're still young because in 15 years it'll be too late and you'll be kicking your wrikled ass over and over again for not being true the person that matters most... yourself.

-With Love
Mr. Reality Check (EBM)

Anonymous said...

in some ways i can relate to your situation. my husband has a low sex drive and for a long time if we had sex once a month i counted myself lucky. then i started looking outside my marriage for satisfaction, but came to realize that i couldnt cheat on him. i was talkin to a friend and she suggested that i try sex toys and slowly introduce them into our intimate times. it gave him a way to please me without actually callin attention to his inability to perform because it was him using the toys on me. we are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary and i have to say i am more than happy to say I didnt stray without tryin everything else wishes to you in whatever you decide, but please, dont give up until you are sure youve tried everything.