A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War

Dear Zane,

I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancé. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).

We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.

The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.

One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”

To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.

She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.

Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War



Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,

You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.

The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.

Blessings,
Zane