Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Immigrant Love

Dear Zane,

I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.

Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.

If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!

Signed,
Immigrant Love

Dear Immigrant Love,

You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.

He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.

I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.

Blessings,
Zane

3 comments:

amles said...

you will never know his true intention. Tell him u are not ready for marriage and see how he reacts. You might have to think back and see how the topic of his status came about. Has he asked question like were u were in casually conversation.

"T" said...

Amles,
I agree with you. I'm speaking from expericene. My husband is from JA, and although he never asked me to marry him (I asked him), he did say I do. Now after about 4 years of marriage he still doesn't have his green card b/c of how he entered the country and our marriage is on rocky roads. Lately I found myself thinking maybe we did get married for the wrong reasons. I wish I would have asked myself the questions that you are asking yourself. Please take your time. Now I have a little girl that mixed up in this and I'm torn.She just turned one yesterday and she adores her faher. What am I suppose to do? I'm not good at giving advice, but I really hope that you think about it and ask him questions?

Martilee said...

Think long and hard about this decision there is alot for men from different countries that only want to get married to get there green card. i would tell him i don't want to get married or just come out and ask him from the beginning if it's just about getting his papers so he can stay here. i have seen it all to many times, men from other countries get married so they can stay in the country and get there green card. but the best way to find out if he really love you or its about the papers, be honest with him and ask him to do the same with you