Dear Zane,
I am a 28 year old military wife. My husband has been deployed for almost a year now. And in this past year I have discovered my sexual side. Like, I have really discovered it. I always knew that I had more to offer my husband but I was too scared to try new things. Because in the past he has wondered why I would not take the first steps to wanting to have sex. Truthfully, I told him that I need romance and not just sex. He has yet to show me his romantic side.
We recently started to not see eye to eye because of me wanting to inform him of the many things I want to do to him and with him when he returns. The responses that I have been getting were more than I expected. He tells me that he isn't into blind folding and a lot of other things that I want to do. Granted, it’s not just about me. And I am willing to do anything this man wants me to do and more. And I have expressed those very words to him. So I decided to take another approach and seek out his fantasies. He told me that he doesn't have any. For some reason, that was hard for me to believe. Recently, I remembered that as a child he had been abused and that could have a lot to do with how he feels.
How do I seek out trying new things with my husband without making him feel uncomfortable?
Thank you.
Signed,
Military Heat Seeker
Dear Military Heat Seeker,
I am going to go out on a limb here. I do not think that the things are you stating that you want to do to him are making him feel uncomfortable. After all, he has wondered why you have not been more aggressive in the past. My guess is, and I believe it to be a good one, is that he is concerned about this whole freaky side coming out of you while he is deployed. When people are at war, all sorts of things go through their minds, including what their mates are doing back at home, in their warm beds, while they are halfway across the planet fighting to stay alive.
Even when men are not at war, they tend to have issues with women who are sexually uninhibited. All men say they want a woman like that but if they are lucky enough to find one, they tend to spend a lot of time and energy wondering why a woman knows so much about sex and who else she has done certain things with.
I would refrain from all of the sexual experimental talk for now because honestly, what can he do about it when he is not at home. Do not give him emotional ammunition to start inventing delusional scenarios in his head. Look at it this way. If your husband, who is deployed, all of a sudden started expressing interest in sexual things that he has never mentioned to you—his wife—before, what would run through your head. Make you list of things you want to do upon his return but keep it to yourself. Tell him you love him, you miss him and cannot wait to be with him but acting like the second coming of Vanessa Del Rio while he is nowhere around is not going to help matters.
Blessings,
Zane
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Zane,
I too, am a military wife. I have also served in the military and am aware of what goes on. I love my husband, but I have often found that at times when he listens to his friends talk about their escapades it excites him. We both know what happens when curiousity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought him back. I am a mother of 4 with the youngest being only 3 years old and a college Professor. Although, I work from teh comforts of my own home, I do not get the chance to talk to many adults except online in my classes. Sometimes, he even brings up the fact that my job should be easy, but he forgets that motherhood is 24/7. There are no breaks. I really hate when he even jokes about the money he makes over me because I work part-time. All my life I have pushed that extra mile because I refused to have a man love me today and hate me tomorrow leaving me to fend for myself. This may sound negative but I have seen it happen too many times to love ones an I refuse to be a statistic. I just do not have the energy to satisfy him and take care of the rest of the obligations. Sometimes it feels like I am working over time just to get myself off. I end up having to turn myself on and then work on him. To top it off, we are an interrracial couple that has just been sent to one of the racist states ever. Although, we have been together for over 17 years, after coming to this state and seeing the ignorance of others unwind only seems to take away his fulfllment for loving me as he did once before. I often tell him that we must live our lives and not worry about others. This in fact is just adding fuel to fire and causing me to seek attention I want so badly from him. What can I do to rekindle our steamy flames?
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