Monday, January 12, 2009

Are There Different Levels to Friends with Benefits?

Dear Zane,

What are your feelings on friends with benefits? I have four friends that have benefits. I try not to allow my feelings to get in to way because when I do, I always get my feelings hurt. My main friend, the one that I have sex with a lot, has started to act like we are a couple. And he wants to introduce different sexual experiences into our sex life, which is fine but I am starting to feel that somewhere the friends with benefits line has been crossed and we are on different levels.

We are now talking about living together and, in a roundabout way, he told me that he loved me. When he said it, I had to ask him twice and then he covered it up by saying “all over you." Also we don't practice safe sex; even when we had sex for the first time, it was unprotected. I know that I am putting myself in harm's way. But protection is something we both don't bring up. Are there different levels to being friends with benefits? Or I am reading too much in this?

Friend with the benefits, I think?

Dear Friends with the benefits, I think,

I am still trying to get past you having unprotected sex with a man that you only wanted as a fuck buddy. You are not putting yourself in harm’s way. Putting yourself in harm’s way is driving fifteen miles over the speed limit, riding a bicycle without a helmet, or trying to knock down a hornet’s nest with your shoe. You are risking your life and the lives of many others, since you said that you have four friends with benefits. Even if you are using a condom with the rest of them, I seriously doubt that you are using protection during oral sex, or even kissing, with everyone.

If you do not have serious feelings for him then why would you even be discussing living together? It seems to me like you are very young for a few reasons. You are having sex with a bunch of people on a regular basis instead of finding one man who can actually satisfy you. You are not practicing safe sex. Lastly, you are acting like you have no say in the relationships that you are in. It is not about what a man wants solely; it is about what you both want. If you do not want to be in a committed relationship, tell him today. Do not lead him on by participating in conversations about shacking up.

As for there being different levels to friends with benefits, I would say no, but what can happen is two people not being on the same page. Does he know about your other friends? Do they know about him? He might actually think you are in a relationship, while you are simply playing games. What you need to do is some serious soul-searching and decide is A)any man’s dick is worth dying for and B)what you are seeking from these people, if you are not seeking love.


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