In Love But Not In Lust

Dear Zane,

I am twenty four years young and currently in a relationship of four and a half years. I am deeply in love with my man. My problem is that our sex life is not where it is supposed to be. I have a very strong sexual appetite but it goes right out the door with him. I am really not interested in having sex with him anymore.

I was molested when I was younger and I have a real dislike for older men. I kind of believe that is why I am not interested in him. He is only twenty six but he acts much older. I have gotten to the point where I do not know if I want to remain in this relationship or leave it. I feel that I have put too much time into this to simply walk away. When it is time for bed, I put on sweat and go right to sleep. I do not even attempt to have sex with him. When he does try, I grow very irritated. It makes me cringe to even think about having sex, let alone performing it. Even when we do have sex, I put a pillow over my head and remain silent.

He has asked me what is wrong but I cannot tell him. I am afraid that it is going to hurt his feelings. This man loves me dearly and would do anything for me. I have started to feel like we have become more like friends than being in a relationship. I am scared to leave him because I do not want to grow old with anyone else but him.

Also, we both have stepped out on each other before but we have discussed it and we remained together. I stepped out on him with a woman. I am bisexual but we do not talk about it. I have never told him; only a select few of my friend know this. He has asked if that is what I want but I told him no. I really do not know what to do anymore. Please assist me and post this in your blog so I can get the advice of others as well.

Signed,
In Love But Not In Lust

Dear In Love But Not In Lust,

You have a serious mess on your hands, and I am not joking when I say that. There are numerous things going on here but the main issue is that you are not sexually attracted to your man. You do not want to hurt his feelings but believe me, by putting a pillow over your head during sex and being quiet, you have done that already. It is only a matter of time before he will seek intimacy again in the arms of another, if he is not doing it already. To be honest, I cannot even blame him when he does, but he should end the relationship first. Both of you stayed because you feel like too much time has been put in but let me give you an analogy.

I constantly see people on these court television shows fighting over a cell phone bill. They get a cell phone for someone else in their name and the person does not pay the bill. Instead of paying the disconnect fee, they continue to allow the person to rack up high monthly bills and then it gets all blown out of proportion. Pay the disconnect fee.

I am not even going to go into the thing with women, the cheating on both of your parts, and the daily depression that must settle over your household when you are together. You are a hypocrite, young lady. You do not want him but you do not want to grow old without him. He loves you and will do for you so you think it is better to stay and take advantage of him then to let him move on and find a woman to reciprocate his feelings. You are being selfish and you can mark my words, it will backfire. When it does, it will not be pretty.

Blessings,
Zane