Dear Zane,
I have read your blogs and I noticed you answer questions so I have one. I’m 18 and in April I lost my virginity. Now since then I have had 4 sexual partners but for some odd reason I can’t have an orgasm; no matter how hard I try. I have orgasms when I masturbate but other than that, I don’t have any. At first I thought it was the dude I was having sex with but the more partners I have, the more I get frustrated. Like no matter what they do, oral, fingering, anything, I just can’t have one. So I was wondering is something wrong with me or my body and can I change it?
Signed,
Orgasm Seeker
Dear Orgasm Seeker,
You have what most women have, a psychological hang up that has to do with not feeling truly comfortable around your partners. Since you can have an orgasm when you masturbate, it is not a physical thing. Doing it with a bunch of people is not going to help the issue. You need to work on yourself and learn to relax mentally. A lot of people feel that losing control with an orgasm in front of others is embarrassing. While you may not think that is the case with you, it has something to do with it.
Blessings,
Zane
Friday, November 28, 2008
Sex Equals Okay
Dear Zane,
I love your books and I read them all the time. I’m going to try to make this as short as I can. I am a 18 year old young woman with a 24 year old man. I have known him since I was 15 & yes, we started having a sexual relationship. I would come over there & we would just fuck & I would go home. Now that I am 18, I told him I wanted more. I wanted a relationship with him & that’s what I got. With him it never gets boring & he keeps me happy. The only thing is sex is not good to me. I mean, it's okay. It's not him (I don't think) because I’ve always been like this. It will feel good for a minute, then after that, I would just be laying there like a dead doll. I love getting eaten out but besides that, sex is for him. Yes, he does eat me out very good. He doesn't do it all the time but when he does it’s very enjoyable. Is something wrong with him or me? Is it weird that I don't love him either? I care about him a lot, a lot, a lot. Like I said, he makes me so happy. Is it because I’m young & I really don't know anything about sex yet? Also when he eats me out & it starts to feel too good, I tell him to stop. How do you take all the pleasure of getting satisfied? Please help me.
Signed,
Sex Equals Okay
Dear Sex Equals Okay,
You might be bored with him because he took up with you when you were a child and he was a grown ass man and now you are realizing that there might be more to sex than what he is serving up. You may be sick of the same old thing and you may be curious about what it would feel like to be with someone else. Frankly, since he was wrong for ever fucking you when you were 15, if you decided to move on, he only has himself to blame. You were basically forced to make a decision that you were not old enough to make. That is why contracts are not enforceable with minors and as far as I am concerned, that goes for verbal relationship contracts as well.
Blessings,
Zane
I love your books and I read them all the time. I’m going to try to make this as short as I can. I am a 18 year old young woman with a 24 year old man. I have known him since I was 15 & yes, we started having a sexual relationship. I would come over there & we would just fuck & I would go home. Now that I am 18, I told him I wanted more. I wanted a relationship with him & that’s what I got. With him it never gets boring & he keeps me happy. The only thing is sex is not good to me. I mean, it's okay. It's not him (I don't think) because I’ve always been like this. It will feel good for a minute, then after that, I would just be laying there like a dead doll. I love getting eaten out but besides that, sex is for him. Yes, he does eat me out very good. He doesn't do it all the time but when he does it’s very enjoyable. Is something wrong with him or me? Is it weird that I don't love him either? I care about him a lot, a lot, a lot. Like I said, he makes me so happy. Is it because I’m young & I really don't know anything about sex yet? Also when he eats me out & it starts to feel too good, I tell him to stop. How do you take all the pleasure of getting satisfied? Please help me.
Signed,
Sex Equals Okay
Dear Sex Equals Okay,
You might be bored with him because he took up with you when you were a child and he was a grown ass man and now you are realizing that there might be more to sex than what he is serving up. You may be sick of the same old thing and you may be curious about what it would feel like to be with someone else. Frankly, since he was wrong for ever fucking you when you were 15, if you decided to move on, he only has himself to blame. You were basically forced to make a decision that you were not old enough to make. That is why contracts are not enforceable with minors and as far as I am concerned, that goes for verbal relationship contracts as well.
Blessings,
Zane
Liking Someone Who Doesn't Like You The Same Way
Dear Zane,
I'm talking to this guy, and we been talking for like three months. We only had like three dates, and they were all in Sept. But other than that, all we do is fuck. He's a truck driver and is always on the road. So, I talk to him all the time. It's just when he's in town he never wants to go out. Like early this week, for instance. I told him that my god sister was having a game night at her house on Sat. He said he would think about it, if he would be in town. Well, he came in town Thursday night. When I asked him Friday what he was doing this weekend. He told me that he was going to Nashville to hang out with his friend that lives up there. So, I'm thinking to myself that damn, I asked you earlier this week about going out. But you would rather go back out of town and hang with your boys. And when I told him how I felt about him doing me like that, he said that he felt me, but he doesn't feel me. Should I just leave him alone? Because I thought I could start a relationship with this guy.
Signed,
Liking someone who doesn't like me the same way!
Dear Liking Someone Who Doesn’t Like Me The Same Way,
You said it all with your signature. He does not have the same intentions as you. You are a cut/fuck buddy and you want him to be your man and date you and hang out with your friends. That is not going to happen and you cannot make him do it.
You can either keep seeing him/fucking him or you can stop wasting your time. If you want a relationship he is not the one and you have to commend him that he is at least not leading you on about it.
Blessings,
Zane
I'm talking to this guy, and we been talking for like three months. We only had like three dates, and they were all in Sept. But other than that, all we do is fuck. He's a truck driver and is always on the road. So, I talk to him all the time. It's just when he's in town he never wants to go out. Like early this week, for instance. I told him that my god sister was having a game night at her house on Sat. He said he would think about it, if he would be in town. Well, he came in town Thursday night. When I asked him Friday what he was doing this weekend. He told me that he was going to Nashville to hang out with his friend that lives up there. So, I'm thinking to myself that damn, I asked you earlier this week about going out. But you would rather go back out of town and hang with your boys. And when I told him how I felt about him doing me like that, he said that he felt me, but he doesn't feel me. Should I just leave him alone? Because I thought I could start a relationship with this guy.
Signed,
Liking someone who doesn't like me the same way!
Dear Liking Someone Who Doesn’t Like Me The Same Way,
You said it all with your signature. He does not have the same intentions as you. You are a cut/fuck buddy and you want him to be your man and date you and hang out with your friends. That is not going to happen and you cannot make him do it.
You can either keep seeing him/fucking him or you can stop wasting your time. If you want a relationship he is not the one and you have to commend him that he is at least not leading you on about it.
Blessings,
Zane
Lost in a World of Attraction
Dear Zane,
I am twenty-eight years old. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I left my husband because I caught him cheating with another woman in my house. I went to jail behind it and made it my business to move on. Once I got out of jail I left him and started my life over. I have accomplished a lot without him. Now I am hearing that he is looking for me in order to reconcile. I am not giving him the time of day to reconcile shit. It has been a year and a half since we separated. I just got back in the game.
I met a guy a little younger than me but age does not matter, as long as I am not robbing the cradle. But since we met, it was an instant connection and I like him. I am scared to take it to the next level with him because of my last relationship. He asked me to be the one in his life but how do I explain to him that I am not shutting him out but just not ready to take it to the next level? I have read Dear G Spot and have tried to take some of the advice you have given to others. But it is just not the same situation.
Sincerely,
Lost in a World of Attraction
Dear Lost in a World of Attraction,
You have been through a lot, including being locked up behind a man. Not many women can even claim that one. It is not a surprise that you would feel cautious now and all I can say is this. Make sure that you are not constantly seeking out the same type of men, age difference aside. A lot of us seek out the same type of men—the wrong ones for us—or men who mean us no good seek us out because we give off certain vibes. As long as you feel this young man is different, do not prevent yourself from obtaining happiness. Otherwise, you are only letting the ex control you, even though he is nowhere in sight. Tell him that you like him but you need time to continue to heal. Do not stop him though; go with what feels right and the second you feel a red flag, do not ignore it.
Blessings,
Zane
I am twenty-eight years old. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I left my husband because I caught him cheating with another woman in my house. I went to jail behind it and made it my business to move on. Once I got out of jail I left him and started my life over. I have accomplished a lot without him. Now I am hearing that he is looking for me in order to reconcile. I am not giving him the time of day to reconcile shit. It has been a year and a half since we separated. I just got back in the game.
I met a guy a little younger than me but age does not matter, as long as I am not robbing the cradle. But since we met, it was an instant connection and I like him. I am scared to take it to the next level with him because of my last relationship. He asked me to be the one in his life but how do I explain to him that I am not shutting him out but just not ready to take it to the next level? I have read Dear G Spot and have tried to take some of the advice you have given to others. But it is just not the same situation.
Sincerely,
Lost in a World of Attraction
Dear Lost in a World of Attraction,
You have been through a lot, including being locked up behind a man. Not many women can even claim that one. It is not a surprise that you would feel cautious now and all I can say is this. Make sure that you are not constantly seeking out the same type of men, age difference aside. A lot of us seek out the same type of men—the wrong ones for us—or men who mean us no good seek us out because we give off certain vibes. As long as you feel this young man is different, do not prevent yourself from obtaining happiness. Otherwise, you are only letting the ex control you, even though he is nowhere in sight. Tell him that you like him but you need time to continue to heal. Do not stop him though; go with what feels right and the second you feel a red flag, do not ignore it.
Blessings,
Zane
Why Do Men Always Go For the Breasts?
Dear Zane,
I had an experience over this past weekend and it dawned on me today, why do men do this? When you go on a date for the first time and you wind up kissing your date for the first time, why do men kiss you and go straight for the breasts?! Do we go for the dick when we kiss a guy for the first time? I know I don't but it just baffled me and I was thinking back pretty much and all men do it. Do we as women have a tattoo across our foreheads that says please kiss me and grab my tits while you're at it? I don't get it and thought you would be able to shed some light on this.
Thanks,
Curious
Dear Curious,
That is too funny but also true. Men do seem to go for the ta-tas quickly when we start kissing. I have a two-fold response. Men can either do that because they are turned on by feeling or kissing our breasts or, they can do it because they know that a woman’s breasts can often be her weak point. I actually love a man to fondle and kiss my breasts and cannot be with a man who is not a breast man. That is an intricate part of the experience for me. It will be interesting to see what men and women have to say about this though.
Blessings,
Zane
I had an experience over this past weekend and it dawned on me today, why do men do this? When you go on a date for the first time and you wind up kissing your date for the first time, why do men kiss you and go straight for the breasts?! Do we go for the dick when we kiss a guy for the first time? I know I don't but it just baffled me and I was thinking back pretty much and all men do it. Do we as women have a tattoo across our foreheads that says please kiss me and grab my tits while you're at it? I don't get it and thought you would be able to shed some light on this.
Thanks,
Curious
Dear Curious,
That is too funny but also true. Men do seem to go for the ta-tas quickly when we start kissing. I have a two-fold response. Men can either do that because they are turned on by feeling or kissing our breasts or, they can do it because they know that a woman’s breasts can often be her weak point. I actually love a man to fondle and kiss my breasts and cannot be with a man who is not a breast man. That is an intricate part of the experience for me. It will be interesting to see what men and women have to say about this though.
Blessings,
Zane
After Your Man Gets Locked Up
Dear Zane,
My boyfriend went to jail a couple of weeks ago, and me and one of his friends have been chilling together. I really like this man and I think that he and I could have a future. I don’t know what to do because we broke the code. You don’t mess with your friends toys. Help me. I don’t know what to do!
Signed,
Crazy
Dear Crazy,
You might have already jumped in the sack with your man’s friend but hopefully, you came to your senses. If you have any feelings for your boyfriend, you need to leave his friend alone. His friend obviously does not give a damn or is thinking with his little head. Depending on how long your man will be locked up, you may need to move on anyway. Putting your life on hold for someone who made a choice to break the law does not make sense. Either way, you are jumping from the frying pan into the damn fire. His friend is certainly up to no good and while times might be hard, they are not that damn hard. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Blessings,
Zane
My boyfriend went to jail a couple of weeks ago, and me and one of his friends have been chilling together. I really like this man and I think that he and I could have a future. I don’t know what to do because we broke the code. You don’t mess with your friends toys. Help me. I don’t know what to do!
Signed,
Crazy
Dear Crazy,
You might have already jumped in the sack with your man’s friend but hopefully, you came to your senses. If you have any feelings for your boyfriend, you need to leave his friend alone. His friend obviously does not give a damn or is thinking with his little head. Depending on how long your man will be locked up, you may need to move on anyway. Putting your life on hold for someone who made a choice to break the law does not make sense. Either way, you are jumping from the frying pan into the damn fire. His friend is certainly up to no good and while times might be hard, they are not that damn hard. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Blessings,
Zane
My Best Friend's Lover
Dear Zane,
My best friend and I have known each other for 5 years. For a year, we both stopped dating other people and stayed single just so we could have sex and mess around. We stopped talking for about 6 months and while in that process I got pregnant and his girl did also. Just recently we started talking again. The first night we kicked it together. We had sex. It wasn’t something I planned to do but it just happened. He is still with his girl and wants me to have a threesome with him and another girl. I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to disrespect his girl but I guess I already have since we have been having sex almost every night since we have started hanging out again. He tells me he loves me but I don’t know what to do at this point. I do want to be with him, but I don’t want to break up a happy home. What should I do at this point?
Signed,
My Best Friend’s Lover
Dear My Best Friend’s Lover,
What the hell are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing and what the hell are you thinking? You are already disrespecting his girl. A threesome with another chick is not going to make it any worse. You are also damn sure disrespecting yourself. If he loves you, he either needs to shit or get off the pot. Quite frankly, I have no clue why you would even want him. Then again, the two of you might deserve each other. He needs to let his girl go so she can find a real man and then the two of you can hook up and have threesomes and disrespect yourselves together.
Blessings,
Zane
My best friend and I have known each other for 5 years. For a year, we both stopped dating other people and stayed single just so we could have sex and mess around. We stopped talking for about 6 months and while in that process I got pregnant and his girl did also. Just recently we started talking again. The first night we kicked it together. We had sex. It wasn’t something I planned to do but it just happened. He is still with his girl and wants me to have a threesome with him and another girl. I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to disrespect his girl but I guess I already have since we have been having sex almost every night since we have started hanging out again. He tells me he loves me but I don’t know what to do at this point. I do want to be with him, but I don’t want to break up a happy home. What should I do at this point?
Signed,
My Best Friend’s Lover
Dear My Best Friend’s Lover,
What the hell are you doing? Seriously, what the hell are you doing and what the hell are you thinking? You are already disrespecting his girl. A threesome with another chick is not going to make it any worse. You are also damn sure disrespecting yourself. If he loves you, he either needs to shit or get off the pot. Quite frankly, I have no clue why you would even want him. Then again, the two of you might deserve each other. He needs to let his girl go so she can find a real man and then the two of you can hook up and have threesomes and disrespect yourselves together.
Blessings,
Zane
Tempted By The Past
Dear Zane,
I am a recent graduate from college and been having trouble meeting a man. Recently, I gave up and just decided to work on myself. About two weeks ago an old booty call from college came back into my life. We have been talking every day since and he wants me to visit him. The other day he asked what I wanted. I told him that in one way I want to just fuck and in another way I am tired of just fucking and want to settle down but I just want to take it slow and see what happens. He said he echoed my feelings and I would have to relocate from Cali to Montgomery, Alabama, but in the past all we have ever been is booty calls. We have really been getting to know each other like we just met. I don't want to put too much on it but also don't want to get my feelings hurt or involved in a sticky situation. What should I do? Plus I haven't had sex in a while and I know when we see each other we will fuck. I am scared? Please help me.
Signed,
Tempted By The Past
Dear Tempted By The Past,
Do not allow your trouble meeting a man to cloud your judgment. You reconnected with him two weeks ago, have not seen him and you are already considering picking up your life in California and moving to Alabama? No, ma’am. You need to seriously slow your roll. One or both of you are tripping. When you said that you want to take it slow, that is your best bet. Get to know him again and realize that people change. Just see what happens but you better not move with that man or you will be kicking yourself in the ass by Spring.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a recent graduate from college and been having trouble meeting a man. Recently, I gave up and just decided to work on myself. About two weeks ago an old booty call from college came back into my life. We have been talking every day since and he wants me to visit him. The other day he asked what I wanted. I told him that in one way I want to just fuck and in another way I am tired of just fucking and want to settle down but I just want to take it slow and see what happens. He said he echoed my feelings and I would have to relocate from Cali to Montgomery, Alabama, but in the past all we have ever been is booty calls. We have really been getting to know each other like we just met. I don't want to put too much on it but also don't want to get my feelings hurt or involved in a sticky situation. What should I do? Plus I haven't had sex in a while and I know when we see each other we will fuck. I am scared? Please help me.
Signed,
Tempted By The Past
Dear Tempted By The Past,
Do not allow your trouble meeting a man to cloud your judgment. You reconnected with him two weeks ago, have not seen him and you are already considering picking up your life in California and moving to Alabama? No, ma’am. You need to seriously slow your roll. One or both of you are tripping. When you said that you want to take it slow, that is your best bet. Get to know him again and realize that people change. Just see what happens but you better not move with that man or you will be kicking yourself in the ass by Spring.
Blessings,
Zane
Knowing When To Cut Your Losses
Dear Zane,
I need some help with my relationship. The young man that you see in the picture with me is the man that I have been with for the past five years. Within the past couple of months, our relationship has changed dramatically. We both have been doing some soul searching in finding out who we are. In the meantime, we have been drifting apart. I am about to go back to school starting in Nov. and he is currently unemployed at this time. He went through a small depression and I supported him through it and in the process he used to walk around and not talk to me and then he would just go for some time and then come back home and not say much if anything at all. So, I distanced myself away from him because he used to tell me that I cannot do anything to help him and I needed help myself.
I offered to go to counseling with him several times and he would tell me that we got time. If you read my page, then you see what I think about life in general. I used to be a person that was in denial about a lot of things and I made a vow to myself that I have to take my life back because no one will do things the way that you do and you cannot trust anyone but yourself. I love this man with all of my heart and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. But I was honest with myself and with him and I told him that I will not marry him until we both get ourselves together. Dysfunction is not on the menu for me when it comes to marriage. Just the other day, we got into an argument because I told him that my feelings have changed about him. They didn't change for me not wanting to be with him, but the way that he is doing things. We don't spend that much time together anymore and I wanted him to know how I felt about that. He spends all day just about on the computer looking for jobs and then when he comes to where I am in the house, it is late at night and it is time to go to bed. I don't want to talk to my mate in bed all the time like that. Then he went on to say that we were not compatible. He says that we are not on the same intellectual level as him and some other females that he has spoken with in the past. He is 40 and I am 28. The age difference is there, but does that mean that we are not compatible? I really need help. I am willing to make it work if it is worth it, but at the same time, I am willing to cut my losses with him. He knows how I feel when it comes to cutting our losses. Please help me Zane.
Signed,
Should I Cut My Losses
Dear Should I Cut My Losses,
Both of you are extremely emotional right now and if this were a short-term relationship, I would tell you to get the hell away from him. However, five years is a huge life investment and if possible, you should try to work this out. He is in a very dark place right now. He is significantly older than you, yet you have your act more together by going back to school and working while he is struggling to find a job. That kind of thing affects a man’s self-esteem, unless he is one of the shiftless men who think women are supposed to pay all the bills. He does not appear to be that way.
Do not be too offended about his remarks about incompatibility either. They seem more like retaliation for your comments about him spending all day on the computer and you not wanting to hold conversations in bed. Now I am not living your life or walking in your shoes so only you know your level of tolerance and life definitely throws us a ton of curveballs. But he does not seem like a bad man; just a lost man and if he has stood by you faithfully for five years, then you should really think about this before you cut and run.
Blessings,
Zane
I need some help with my relationship. The young man that you see in the picture with me is the man that I have been with for the past five years. Within the past couple of months, our relationship has changed dramatically. We both have been doing some soul searching in finding out who we are. In the meantime, we have been drifting apart. I am about to go back to school starting in Nov. and he is currently unemployed at this time. He went through a small depression and I supported him through it and in the process he used to walk around and not talk to me and then he would just go for some time and then come back home and not say much if anything at all. So, I distanced myself away from him because he used to tell me that I cannot do anything to help him and I needed help myself.
I offered to go to counseling with him several times and he would tell me that we got time. If you read my page, then you see what I think about life in general. I used to be a person that was in denial about a lot of things and I made a vow to myself that I have to take my life back because no one will do things the way that you do and you cannot trust anyone but yourself. I love this man with all of my heart and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. But I was honest with myself and with him and I told him that I will not marry him until we both get ourselves together. Dysfunction is not on the menu for me when it comes to marriage. Just the other day, we got into an argument because I told him that my feelings have changed about him. They didn't change for me not wanting to be with him, but the way that he is doing things. We don't spend that much time together anymore and I wanted him to know how I felt about that. He spends all day just about on the computer looking for jobs and then when he comes to where I am in the house, it is late at night and it is time to go to bed. I don't want to talk to my mate in bed all the time like that. Then he went on to say that we were not compatible. He says that we are not on the same intellectual level as him and some other females that he has spoken with in the past. He is 40 and I am 28. The age difference is there, but does that mean that we are not compatible? I really need help. I am willing to make it work if it is worth it, but at the same time, I am willing to cut my losses with him. He knows how I feel when it comes to cutting our losses. Please help me Zane.
Signed,
Should I Cut My Losses
Dear Should I Cut My Losses,
Both of you are extremely emotional right now and if this were a short-term relationship, I would tell you to get the hell away from him. However, five years is a huge life investment and if possible, you should try to work this out. He is in a very dark place right now. He is significantly older than you, yet you have your act more together by going back to school and working while he is struggling to find a job. That kind of thing affects a man’s self-esteem, unless he is one of the shiftless men who think women are supposed to pay all the bills. He does not appear to be that way.
Do not be too offended about his remarks about incompatibility either. They seem more like retaliation for your comments about him spending all day on the computer and you not wanting to hold conversations in bed. Now I am not living your life or walking in your shoes so only you know your level of tolerance and life definitely throws us a ton of curveballs. But he does not seem like a bad man; just a lost man and if he has stood by you faithfully for five years, then you should really think about this before you cut and run.
Blessings,
Zane
Yet Another Shape-Shifting Man
Dear Zane,
I recently met a man who I instantly fell in love with and he felt the same. We click very well. Unfortunately he was only here in my hometown for three months so he decided we should continue this relationship, making it a long distance relationship. He has to continually come back and forth here for his job. Did I mention that he is the perfect gentleman; sweet, honest, passionate, caring, thoughtful. You name it and that’s him. He has an excellent career; he is a college grad, was in the military and even played college football. He is very smart and he does his thing. He’s the best man anyone could want!
So he leaves to go back home and he said before he leaves that this is going to work and for me to trust him and he loves me. I was like, okay, maybe it will. I’m faithful and I know he works a lot so it shouldn’t be much to worry about. He told me about his life at home, his ex-wife, kids and family, all that. So I was like okay, no problem. Then he gets home and he barely answers his phone and when he does answer, or calls me, he says the battery was dead or he worked late and all that so it really doesn’t bother me because I figure he hasn’t been home in 6 months so he wants time with his family.
Now it’s time to go to another state for work; he travels a lot. I’m getting calls all the time and every time I call, he answers or texts. Three weeks go by and he says, babe, the job is ending. I’m going back home. The day he goes back home, he texted me happy birthday and that he loves me and all that, then for two days now, he doesn’t call or return my text and when I call, guess what? The phone is off so being the smart ass black women that I am, I called his work cell, which I don’t ever do because it’s strictly for work. He answers, saying he's sick and asking me what’s wrong. I’m like, you tell me, and I was like, call me back when you get time. It’s been four hours and he hasn’t called back yet. Now my question is, knowing he probably already had a girl back home and he never mentioned it and just making believe it’s not true and with the call today, reality really set in. I don’t want to believe he has someone there at home but I don’t understand how he can basically have 2 lives. He said he loves me every day and he misses me and all the good stuff but is it true?
What should I do from this point on? I am about in tears here at work because I truly love this man and damn it, I told my momma about him. My kids love him and everything. Damn, I am in shock for real but, honestly, I kind of knew it but just didn’t want to believe it because he is so damn perfect (too good to be true; that’s what my friends always say) so why wouldn’t he have someone but why would he start a whole life with me, saying he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and all that good stuff? Please help.
Signed,
Pissed Right Now
Dear Pissed Right Now,
The writing is all over the wall. You admit that you “kind of knew it.” Now you have simply been proven right. He cannot call you or communicate when he is at home because his woman—possibly even his wife who is not really an ex—is there with him. He might be the perfect man but he is likely spreading himself pretty thin. The pain and anger that you currently feel will follow you all the days of your life if you continue to act a fool over this man. You are a side piece and he has no reason to change that as long as you accept it. You have involved your children and to continue to let him play games with you, you are in effect playing games with the emotions of your kids.
He said the right things to you; no good men usually do. Women love to hear what makes them feel special, and you felt that way until he showed his true colors. He has shown them and, from this moment on, anything else he does to mislead you is your fault and yours alone. You know the deal; now deal with him and move on.
Blessings,
Zane
I recently met a man who I instantly fell in love with and he felt the same. We click very well. Unfortunately he was only here in my hometown for three months so he decided we should continue this relationship, making it a long distance relationship. He has to continually come back and forth here for his job. Did I mention that he is the perfect gentleman; sweet, honest, passionate, caring, thoughtful. You name it and that’s him. He has an excellent career; he is a college grad, was in the military and even played college football. He is very smart and he does his thing. He’s the best man anyone could want!
So he leaves to go back home and he said before he leaves that this is going to work and for me to trust him and he loves me. I was like, okay, maybe it will. I’m faithful and I know he works a lot so it shouldn’t be much to worry about. He told me about his life at home, his ex-wife, kids and family, all that. So I was like okay, no problem. Then he gets home and he barely answers his phone and when he does answer, or calls me, he says the battery was dead or he worked late and all that so it really doesn’t bother me because I figure he hasn’t been home in 6 months so he wants time with his family.
Now it’s time to go to another state for work; he travels a lot. I’m getting calls all the time and every time I call, he answers or texts. Three weeks go by and he says, babe, the job is ending. I’m going back home. The day he goes back home, he texted me happy birthday and that he loves me and all that, then for two days now, he doesn’t call or return my text and when I call, guess what? The phone is off so being the smart ass black women that I am, I called his work cell, which I don’t ever do because it’s strictly for work. He answers, saying he's sick and asking me what’s wrong. I’m like, you tell me, and I was like, call me back when you get time. It’s been four hours and he hasn’t called back yet. Now my question is, knowing he probably already had a girl back home and he never mentioned it and just making believe it’s not true and with the call today, reality really set in. I don’t want to believe he has someone there at home but I don’t understand how he can basically have 2 lives. He said he loves me every day and he misses me and all the good stuff but is it true?
What should I do from this point on? I am about in tears here at work because I truly love this man and damn it, I told my momma about him. My kids love him and everything. Damn, I am in shock for real but, honestly, I kind of knew it but just didn’t want to believe it because he is so damn perfect (too good to be true; that’s what my friends always say) so why wouldn’t he have someone but why would he start a whole life with me, saying he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and all that good stuff? Please help.
Signed,
Pissed Right Now
Dear Pissed Right Now,
The writing is all over the wall. You admit that you “kind of knew it.” Now you have simply been proven right. He cannot call you or communicate when he is at home because his woman—possibly even his wife who is not really an ex—is there with him. He might be the perfect man but he is likely spreading himself pretty thin. The pain and anger that you currently feel will follow you all the days of your life if you continue to act a fool over this man. You are a side piece and he has no reason to change that as long as you accept it. You have involved your children and to continue to let him play games with you, you are in effect playing games with the emotions of your kids.
He said the right things to you; no good men usually do. Women love to hear what makes them feel special, and you felt that way until he showed his true colors. He has shown them and, from this moment on, anything else he does to mislead you is your fault and yours alone. You know the deal; now deal with him and move on.
Blessings,
Zane
Friends Acting Like More?
Dear Zane,
My "friend" and I went together for a year. Then he broke off the relationship. So I tried to move on but it was hard. Then not even two months later, we end up back together, but he said he only wants to be friends. We were back together but only "friends" that go everywhere together, still sleep together, and help each other out financially when needed. Neither one of our families believe us when we say we are just friends. I love this man to death and will do anything for him.
Lately we have been spending time together still having sex, but he has been talking to all these females that he meet on MySpace or just around the way on the phone or anywhere he might run into them. I feel like I get disrespected every day; not only that, he will converse with them in front of my family. I want out of the friendship and relationship. But then, I keep thinking he can change because he moved 10 hours away from his hometown to be with me. He knows I’ll do anything for him and his family. What should I do? I feel like when we talk about it, he never sees anything wrong with what he does. I love it but I’m getting to where I can't take it anymore, but I don't want to lose the happiness I feel when we have our good days. Not only that; he’s my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. Now when we have sex, even if I suggest it, it’s hard for me to cum most of the time. I don't know what to do. Please give me some kind of advice.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Oh, how I can relate to this, as I am sure many women can since the Internet has become so popular. Men (and in fairness, some women) use the Internet as a way to stroke their egos. Your man is a flirt and that does not necessarily mean that he is cheating but he is being disrespectful. Honestly I believe that if two people love one another they should not give their partner any reason to even perceive that something might be going on. That only brings about too much temptation and trouble.
Now here is the crazy part. You are both saying that you are friends but you are acting like it is a relationship. He is not technically doing anything wrong if he has not made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, whether he moved there or not. You claim that it is only a friendship despite the love, the going out and the intimacy. He is making excuses to you about his behavior like he is in a relationship with you. The two of you need to decide what is what. Until you do that, you really have no reason to be jealous and he has no reason to explain his actions.
Blessings,
Zane
My "friend" and I went together for a year. Then he broke off the relationship. So I tried to move on but it was hard. Then not even two months later, we end up back together, but he said he only wants to be friends. We were back together but only "friends" that go everywhere together, still sleep together, and help each other out financially when needed. Neither one of our families believe us when we say we are just friends. I love this man to death and will do anything for him.
Lately we have been spending time together still having sex, but he has been talking to all these females that he meet on MySpace or just around the way on the phone or anywhere he might run into them. I feel like I get disrespected every day; not only that, he will converse with them in front of my family. I want out of the friendship and relationship. But then, I keep thinking he can change because he moved 10 hours away from his hometown to be with me. He knows I’ll do anything for him and his family. What should I do? I feel like when we talk about it, he never sees anything wrong with what he does. I love it but I’m getting to where I can't take it anymore, but I don't want to lose the happiness I feel when we have our good days. Not only that; he’s my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. Now when we have sex, even if I suggest it, it’s hard for me to cum most of the time. I don't know what to do. Please give me some kind of advice.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Oh, how I can relate to this, as I am sure many women can since the Internet has become so popular. Men (and in fairness, some women) use the Internet as a way to stroke their egos. Your man is a flirt and that does not necessarily mean that he is cheating but he is being disrespectful. Honestly I believe that if two people love one another they should not give their partner any reason to even perceive that something might be going on. That only brings about too much temptation and trouble.
Now here is the crazy part. You are both saying that you are friends but you are acting like it is a relationship. He is not technically doing anything wrong if he has not made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, whether he moved there or not. You claim that it is only a friendship despite the love, the going out and the intimacy. He is making excuses to you about his behavior like he is in a relationship with you. The two of you need to decide what is what. Until you do that, you really have no reason to be jealous and he has no reason to explain his actions.
Blessings,
Zane
Trapped in a Marriage
Dear Zane,
I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your writing and the vivid details that capture the reader in those moments. I have read most of your books and, in most cases, I can relate to the characters.
I don't love my husband. I am currently married to a man that I never loved. I feel as though I forced the marriage on him when we both were just okay around one another. Unfortunately, because of this fact, he has been unfaithful for several years. After finding out about just one of those affairs, I asked him to leave. He left with resistance because, at the time, he had been out of work for almost a year with no promise or effort to become employed again. I gave in after only two days and allowed him to return. He is a great liar and very manipulative with promises of faithfulness to become a better husband.
Once again I discovered he was still seeking women elsewhere but just covered his tracks better this time. We had the knock out, drag down argument and I stayed with him knowing in my heart I would never trust him. I would have liked for him to have told me before acting upon his urges. As I recall we did not have a problem with intimacy because that was a daily or four times a week activity. It has not been four months since the last incident and still I find single hook up numbers on a cell phone bill I am paying for him.
I pay all the bills in the household, even after the fact he is now employed but he tells me that his check was less than two hundred dollars before taxes. With this job, he is paid weekly and stays at work on most days eight to sixteen hours. We have had the argument about why his check is less than the hours he has claimed to have worked. His excuse was that he has a problem with his payroll dept. every week. I am struggling to pay everything with my income and he continues to ask for gas money to get to his job.
We had another argument and he refuses to leave the house we are renting. He has also admitted to staying because I am paying everything. He has threatened me with violence and tells me to call the police, so if they do come, it will be bloodshed. He leaves the house when he is off from work and doesn't come home for hours. If I ask him where he's been, he always tells me he has been at a relative’s house visiting. I am trapped by bills and a lease for a house. I do not know what to do, to leave without having myself more in debt and having a bad reflection on my credit history for breaking the lease.
After our last argument we no longer sleep in the same bed together and are not on speaking terms. The rent is due and the bills are still coming in. I have left him a note with what is needed to cover his half of the bills but he tosses it to the floor because he knows that I am going to pay it. I feel as though familiarity instead of love and respect played a major part in this relationship. This is a safety net while he was still searching for companionship. I do not know what to do. Is there any advice you can offer to me?
Signed,
Trapped
Dear Trapped,
The best advice that I can give you is to seek legal representation immediately. You have to divorce this man and you have to get him out of your home. While being married does mean some legal responsibility to your spouse, he has you living in fear. He has made threats and you cannot take that lightly. He has no respect for himself, rather less for you. He has spent years attacking your emotional well-being and there is nothing left to your marriage. You are wasting precious time every moment that you allow this to continue.
I know that you are afraid and that is exactly where he wants you. He cannot be reasoned with and you cannot deal with him alone. You need to take out a restraining order and then he will have no option but to leave. Otherwise, you will be in this same situation five or ten years down the road, unless he finds another meal ticket.
Do not suffer in silence either. Tell your friends and relatives what he is doing to you. If his parents are alive, tell them. He will surely be ashamed if confronted by them. Abusers prey on the weak but they do not like exposure. That is their greatest fear.
Also contact some local agencies that deal with spousal abuse. He may not be hitting on you—yet—but he is verbally and mentally abusive and that is illegal in this country. Protect yourself and your rights. You are not his property and you deserve to have a decent life.
Blessings,
Zane
I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your writing and the vivid details that capture the reader in those moments. I have read most of your books and, in most cases, I can relate to the characters.
I don't love my husband. I am currently married to a man that I never loved. I feel as though I forced the marriage on him when we both were just okay around one another. Unfortunately, because of this fact, he has been unfaithful for several years. After finding out about just one of those affairs, I asked him to leave. He left with resistance because, at the time, he had been out of work for almost a year with no promise or effort to become employed again. I gave in after only two days and allowed him to return. He is a great liar and very manipulative with promises of faithfulness to become a better husband.
Once again I discovered he was still seeking women elsewhere but just covered his tracks better this time. We had the knock out, drag down argument and I stayed with him knowing in my heart I would never trust him. I would have liked for him to have told me before acting upon his urges. As I recall we did not have a problem with intimacy because that was a daily or four times a week activity. It has not been four months since the last incident and still I find single hook up numbers on a cell phone bill I am paying for him.
I pay all the bills in the household, even after the fact he is now employed but he tells me that his check was less than two hundred dollars before taxes. With this job, he is paid weekly and stays at work on most days eight to sixteen hours. We have had the argument about why his check is less than the hours he has claimed to have worked. His excuse was that he has a problem with his payroll dept. every week. I am struggling to pay everything with my income and he continues to ask for gas money to get to his job.
We had another argument and he refuses to leave the house we are renting. He has also admitted to staying because I am paying everything. He has threatened me with violence and tells me to call the police, so if they do come, it will be bloodshed. He leaves the house when he is off from work and doesn't come home for hours. If I ask him where he's been, he always tells me he has been at a relative’s house visiting. I am trapped by bills and a lease for a house. I do not know what to do, to leave without having myself more in debt and having a bad reflection on my credit history for breaking the lease.
After our last argument we no longer sleep in the same bed together and are not on speaking terms. The rent is due and the bills are still coming in. I have left him a note with what is needed to cover his half of the bills but he tosses it to the floor because he knows that I am going to pay it. I feel as though familiarity instead of love and respect played a major part in this relationship. This is a safety net while he was still searching for companionship. I do not know what to do. Is there any advice you can offer to me?
Signed,
Trapped
Dear Trapped,
The best advice that I can give you is to seek legal representation immediately. You have to divorce this man and you have to get him out of your home. While being married does mean some legal responsibility to your spouse, he has you living in fear. He has made threats and you cannot take that lightly. He has no respect for himself, rather less for you. He has spent years attacking your emotional well-being and there is nothing left to your marriage. You are wasting precious time every moment that you allow this to continue.
I know that you are afraid and that is exactly where he wants you. He cannot be reasoned with and you cannot deal with him alone. You need to take out a restraining order and then he will have no option but to leave. Otherwise, you will be in this same situation five or ten years down the road, unless he finds another meal ticket.
Do not suffer in silence either. Tell your friends and relatives what he is doing to you. If his parents are alive, tell them. He will surely be ashamed if confronted by them. Abusers prey on the weak but they do not like exposure. That is their greatest fear.
Also contact some local agencies that deal with spousal abuse. He may not be hitting on you—yet—but he is verbally and mentally abusive and that is illegal in this country. Protect yourself and your rights. You are not his property and you deserve to have a decent life.
Blessings,
Zane
Trying to Find Something Wrong For No Reason
Dear, Ms. Zane:
First, I would like to start off by saying that I love your work and you are extremely talented and may God bless you in all that you do.My problem is that, for once in my life it seems like someone truly likes me and wants to build on something with me, but it seems that I always seem to find a negative in this person when we only have spoken to one another for a minimum of two weeks, when we are still getting to know one another. This is all new to me and I explained that to him, (I have never been in a relationship). And it seems that I just try to find something wrong with him so in my mind that would make me disinterested when I think that I am indeed interested in him. I don't want to rush into anything, and I do at least want to give it a try, but I am confused, nervous, and at times a lost cause on the emotional part because I don't want to be hurt, but I don't want him to lose his interest in me. However, I know that with every relationship, whether new or old, it comes with challenges and trials and tribulations. But I don't know whether to expect anything or not. Please help me.
Signed,
In Need of Advice
Dear In Need of Advice,
I understand that you are scared. In some ways, we all are. After all, our hearts are our most precious commodity and by placing it in someone else’s hands, they can either nurture it or attempt to destroy it. But you have to give love a chance, or you will never find it. Do not make up reasons to shoot a man down before things even get a chance to evolve. Sure a lot of relationships end. Hell, most of them end, but some do last a lifetime.
When you first start dating someone, you are not making a lifetime commitment. You are simply testing the waters and the only way you can do that is by getting to know a person. Do not create reasons in your head to disqualify men because you are in protect mode. Take a chance but take it slow.
Blessings,
Zane
First, I would like to start off by saying that I love your work and you are extremely talented and may God bless you in all that you do.My problem is that, for once in my life it seems like someone truly likes me and wants to build on something with me, but it seems that I always seem to find a negative in this person when we only have spoken to one another for a minimum of two weeks, when we are still getting to know one another. This is all new to me and I explained that to him, (I have never been in a relationship). And it seems that I just try to find something wrong with him so in my mind that would make me disinterested when I think that I am indeed interested in him. I don't want to rush into anything, and I do at least want to give it a try, but I am confused, nervous, and at times a lost cause on the emotional part because I don't want to be hurt, but I don't want him to lose his interest in me. However, I know that with every relationship, whether new or old, it comes with challenges and trials and tribulations. But I don't know whether to expect anything or not. Please help me.
Signed,
In Need of Advice
Dear In Need of Advice,
I understand that you are scared. In some ways, we all are. After all, our hearts are our most precious commodity and by placing it in someone else’s hands, they can either nurture it or attempt to destroy it. But you have to give love a chance, or you will never find it. Do not make up reasons to shoot a man down before things even get a chance to evolve. Sure a lot of relationships end. Hell, most of them end, but some do last a lifetime.
When you first start dating someone, you are not making a lifetime commitment. You are simply testing the waters and the only way you can do that is by getting to know a person. Do not create reasons in your head to disqualify men because you are in protect mode. Take a chance but take it slow.
Blessings,
Zane
In Love With An Immature Man
Dear Zane,
First I would like to start off with good morning.Here is my problem. I have been in my relationship for almost five years. My boyfriend is 4 years younger than me and very immature. He gets mad at me for petty things and won't talk to me for days. I have 3 children that he 100% takes care of (he is not their biological dad). I want to leave because I can't take it anymore but there are too many people involved. My children, him, and myself. He is good to me when he isn't acting stupid. It’s his behavior that’s making me want to leave. He is lazy and very immature. Please advise. Thank you.
Signed,
Ready to Give Up
Dear Ready to Give Up,
If this were a fly by night relationship, I would tell you to get rid of him but five years is a long time for you, him and your kids to get used to each other. If the only issue is his immaturity, you simply need to put your foot down and make him realize that he is putting your family at risk. If that does not hit home with him, you may have to issue him an ultimatum and be prepared to carry it out if he shows his ass.
Not speaking to you for days is unacceptable. Harping on petty things is also unacceptable. Sit him down and tell him that you love him and are committed to him but that you need him to step up to the plate and be a real man in every way. Tell him that you need him to set a good example for the children and that you do not want them growing up in a dysfunctional environment where they see their parents not speaking and going at it over silly things.
I wish you the best.
Blessings,
Zane
First I would like to start off with good morning.Here is my problem. I have been in my relationship for almost five years. My boyfriend is 4 years younger than me and very immature. He gets mad at me for petty things and won't talk to me for days. I have 3 children that he 100% takes care of (he is not their biological dad). I want to leave because I can't take it anymore but there are too many people involved. My children, him, and myself. He is good to me when he isn't acting stupid. It’s his behavior that’s making me want to leave. He is lazy and very immature. Please advise. Thank you.
Signed,
Ready to Give Up
Dear Ready to Give Up,
If this were a fly by night relationship, I would tell you to get rid of him but five years is a long time for you, him and your kids to get used to each other. If the only issue is his immaturity, you simply need to put your foot down and make him realize that he is putting your family at risk. If that does not hit home with him, you may have to issue him an ultimatum and be prepared to carry it out if he shows his ass.
Not speaking to you for days is unacceptable. Harping on petty things is also unacceptable. Sit him down and tell him that you love him and are committed to him but that you need him to step up to the plate and be a real man in every way. Tell him that you need him to set a good example for the children and that you do not want them growing up in a dysfunctional environment where they see their parents not speaking and going at it over silly things.
I wish you the best.
Blessings,
Zane
When Your Lover Is In An Arranged Marriage
Dear Zane,
I’m 21 and I’m with this man who is 35. He's Indian and I’m Dominican born and he in N.Y.C. I’ve been with this guy for 2 years now and I love him like crazy and he says that he loves me like crazy himself too, but here is the problem. He got married while being with me...he didn’t tell me but I found out by one of the girls that I work with...as u know Indian people have an arranged marriage so that was what happened with him...in December 28 07 he went to India to see his wife but he had told me that he was going to New Zealand but he ended up in India and he lasted 2 months and a half over there and I’m not going to lie, it was fucking killing me like crazy. I used to cry every day.
Now he told me that he was going to California to see if he can start a business over there. How is it that he left on August 1 and I haven’t spoken to him at all? He sent me flowers by mail because of our anniversary, but you want to know why he hasn’t called me; because he went to see his wife and girl, that’s killing me. I can’t take it. I don’t even know when he is going to come back. He should have been here by now. He told me that he was coming back on the 23rd and he didn’t…I don’t know what to do. I love him a lot and Zane, when he’s here, he treats me like a queen. This man gives me everything. You name it and I’ll get it but the problem is when he goes away….Can u please help me? I’m falling into a big depression, please.
Signed,
Seeking 4 Help
Dear Seeking 4 Help,
Darling, I do not doubt that he treats you like a queen when he is there. Otherwise you would not be so caught up in his lies. But he is not there, he is with his wife and you are sitting there waiting for a married man to come back and spend some time with you before he jets off again. Okay, he is in an arranged marriage. He did not have the decency to tell you himself and would not have told you unless someone else gave him away. He runs off and lies about where he is headed and you are talking it all. You are crying over a man who is someone plummeting his penis in and out of another woman. Even if he was forced to marry her, that is not your issue and you have become a mistress. That is all you are and all you can ever be with him. Is that what you want for yourself? I am sure it is not.
This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but you have to cease all contact with this man. Otherwise you will be like the character in Dreamgirls who was Eddie Murphy’s mistress forever and a damn day with nothing to show for it but a ton of heartache and disappointment. If his marriage is by duty, he is not going to leave her and thus, he can never be yours.
Please, please, please, respect yourself enough to cut all ties. Cry is you have to and then get down on your knees and thank God that you have set yourself free from the mental chains this man has imposed upon you.
Blessings,
Zane
I’m 21 and I’m with this man who is 35. He's Indian and I’m Dominican born and he in N.Y.C. I’ve been with this guy for 2 years now and I love him like crazy and he says that he loves me like crazy himself too, but here is the problem. He got married while being with me...he didn’t tell me but I found out by one of the girls that I work with...as u know Indian people have an arranged marriage so that was what happened with him...in December 28 07 he went to India to see his wife but he had told me that he was going to New Zealand but he ended up in India and he lasted 2 months and a half over there and I’m not going to lie, it was fucking killing me like crazy. I used to cry every day.
Now he told me that he was going to California to see if he can start a business over there. How is it that he left on August 1 and I haven’t spoken to him at all? He sent me flowers by mail because of our anniversary, but you want to know why he hasn’t called me; because he went to see his wife and girl, that’s killing me. I can’t take it. I don’t even know when he is going to come back. He should have been here by now. He told me that he was coming back on the 23rd and he didn’t…I don’t know what to do. I love him a lot and Zane, when he’s here, he treats me like a queen. This man gives me everything. You name it and I’ll get it but the problem is when he goes away….Can u please help me? I’m falling into a big depression, please.
Signed,
Seeking 4 Help
Dear Seeking 4 Help,
Darling, I do not doubt that he treats you like a queen when he is there. Otherwise you would not be so caught up in his lies. But he is not there, he is with his wife and you are sitting there waiting for a married man to come back and spend some time with you before he jets off again. Okay, he is in an arranged marriage. He did not have the decency to tell you himself and would not have told you unless someone else gave him away. He runs off and lies about where he is headed and you are talking it all. You are crying over a man who is someone plummeting his penis in and out of another woman. Even if he was forced to marry her, that is not your issue and you have become a mistress. That is all you are and all you can ever be with him. Is that what you want for yourself? I am sure it is not.
This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but you have to cease all contact with this man. Otherwise you will be like the character in Dreamgirls who was Eddie Murphy’s mistress forever and a damn day with nothing to show for it but a ton of heartache and disappointment. If his marriage is by duty, he is not going to leave her and thus, he can never be yours.
Please, please, please, respect yourself enough to cut all ties. Cry is you have to and then get down on your knees and thank God that you have set yourself free from the mental chains this man has imposed upon you.
Blessings,
Zane
Does Love Have to Include Bullshit?
Dear Zane,
I am sure you get so many emails every day and you don’t have the time to answer/post them all but if I could just get some type of response, I will be happy because I feel like I am going crazy. So about 9 months ago my boyfriend/son's father broke up after 5 years of being together. Well pretty much he wanted to basically see what else was out there, and he has ended up in a "relationship" with 2 young girls (I guess about 18 years old). In some type of weird thing. For the longest I blamed myself and everything else. Now I have tried to move on and I am in a new situation with someone new, but I still have my son asking me every day why can’t we live at our old house with Daddy? And I believe that this is resulting in me having startling dreams night after night and startling thoughts day after day about my ex.
I’m trying so hard to get him out of my system. I just don’t know what it is. I hope like hell I am not still in love with this loser because he made his choice, but I don’t understand why I can’t get him out of my head. I care about the new man that I am with but it’s not like it was with my ex. I don’t think I will ever love someone like that again. But some nights I wake up in cold sweats with my new man looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you. And it’s just that I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s been almost a year now. How can my ex still be on my mind so heavily when I borderline hate him with a passion? I know it’s long but please, any bit of response you have will be helpful.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Five years and co-parenting is not an easy thing to forget. However, you must realize that your ex is not coming back, nor should you want him back. He left to go do some freaky deaky shit with babies and you still think he is some sort of prize material. He is not. He chose to sow his wild oats instead of keeping your family together. Trust me, I know how it feels to have children wondering why parents cannot get along but the alternative, having them grow up in total dysfunction, is never the correct answer.
You have a new man and he seems to care so you need to try to somehow channel your passion and compassion toward him. You can love again. Do not be one of those women who thinks that love is not real unless it comes with a certain degree of bullshit. After a year, you need to let it go or you might lose the man in your bed and not just the one in your head.
Blessings,
Zane
I am sure you get so many emails every day and you don’t have the time to answer/post them all but if I could just get some type of response, I will be happy because I feel like I am going crazy. So about 9 months ago my boyfriend/son's father broke up after 5 years of being together. Well pretty much he wanted to basically see what else was out there, and he has ended up in a "relationship" with 2 young girls (I guess about 18 years old). In some type of weird thing. For the longest I blamed myself and everything else. Now I have tried to move on and I am in a new situation with someone new, but I still have my son asking me every day why can’t we live at our old house with Daddy? And I believe that this is resulting in me having startling dreams night after night and startling thoughts day after day about my ex.
I’m trying so hard to get him out of my system. I just don’t know what it is. I hope like hell I am not still in love with this loser because he made his choice, but I don’t understand why I can’t get him out of my head. I care about the new man that I am with but it’s not like it was with my ex. I don’t think I will ever love someone like that again. But some nights I wake up in cold sweats with my new man looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you. And it’s just that I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s been almost a year now. How can my ex still be on my mind so heavily when I borderline hate him with a passion? I know it’s long but please, any bit of response you have will be helpful.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Five years and co-parenting is not an easy thing to forget. However, you must realize that your ex is not coming back, nor should you want him back. He left to go do some freaky deaky shit with babies and you still think he is some sort of prize material. He is not. He chose to sow his wild oats instead of keeping your family together. Trust me, I know how it feels to have children wondering why parents cannot get along but the alternative, having them grow up in total dysfunction, is never the correct answer.
You have a new man and he seems to care so you need to try to somehow channel your passion and compassion toward him. You can love again. Do not be one of those women who thinks that love is not real unless it comes with a certain degree of bullshit. After a year, you need to let it go or you might lose the man in your bed and not just the one in your head.
Blessings,
Zane
When You Don't Know How To Get Out
Dear Zane,
My boyfriend (fiancé) who I've been with for a year and 4 months is getting on my nerves. When our relationship started I had sex with him like that first week and really I thought that was the only way that I could get him so I did it. But now that I'm more involved in church I feel like we shouldn't have sex anymore until we get married. He called me crazy and said that it is crazy for me to even feel that way because God is going to bless me regardless of me having sex with him or not. But I know that is true in a way but I won't be able to get the full blessings that He has for my life and the things that I know I can have are there but I know for a fact that having sex with him is hindering me from reaching my blessings and getting the anointing that God has placed upon my life. So what do I do? I am so confused because I love him but he makes me unhappy because he doesn't believe in me and he's not respecting my feelings.
Signed,
Don’t Know How to Get Out
Dear Don’t Know How to Get Out,
You are not going to like what I have to say. You are entitled to refrain from sex outside of marriage due to spiritual reasons but you cannot subject your beliefs on someone else. The man you are with was given sex from the very beginning and now you want to change the rules midstream. He does not have to agree to that and he will eventually leave, and rightfully so. If you had met him on those terms and he agreed to wait, that would be one thing. That is not how it happened. You changed the way that you felt and now you expect him to conform to your newfound train of thought.
I am not going to get into the religious part of this because, like I said, it is your right to do whatever you want with your body. I have sex outside of marriage and I know that God has continuously blessed me. I am not going to sit here and say that I will refrain from it either because I have no plans to ever marry again. What you do is end the relationship and be fair. Let the man go have his needs met somewhere else because you are not respecting his feelings and he has every right to expect intimacy based on how you originally got involved with him.
Blessings,
Zane
My boyfriend (fiancé) who I've been with for a year and 4 months is getting on my nerves. When our relationship started I had sex with him like that first week and really I thought that was the only way that I could get him so I did it. But now that I'm more involved in church I feel like we shouldn't have sex anymore until we get married. He called me crazy and said that it is crazy for me to even feel that way because God is going to bless me regardless of me having sex with him or not. But I know that is true in a way but I won't be able to get the full blessings that He has for my life and the things that I know I can have are there but I know for a fact that having sex with him is hindering me from reaching my blessings and getting the anointing that God has placed upon my life. So what do I do? I am so confused because I love him but he makes me unhappy because he doesn't believe in me and he's not respecting my feelings.
Signed,
Don’t Know How to Get Out
Dear Don’t Know How to Get Out,
You are not going to like what I have to say. You are entitled to refrain from sex outside of marriage due to spiritual reasons but you cannot subject your beliefs on someone else. The man you are with was given sex from the very beginning and now you want to change the rules midstream. He does not have to agree to that and he will eventually leave, and rightfully so. If you had met him on those terms and he agreed to wait, that would be one thing. That is not how it happened. You changed the way that you felt and now you expect him to conform to your newfound train of thought.
I am not going to get into the religious part of this because, like I said, it is your right to do whatever you want with your body. I have sex outside of marriage and I know that God has continuously blessed me. I am not going to sit here and say that I will refrain from it either because I have no plans to ever marry again. What you do is end the relationship and be fair. Let the man go have his needs met somewhere else because you are not respecting his feelings and he has every right to expect intimacy based on how you originally got involved with him.
Blessings,
Zane
What Happens In The Home Stays In The Home
Dear Zane,
I know you get people that write you all the time talking about how they love your books and all but I really do!! I feel as if I have a connection with your characters because of my childhood….
I grew up in the South and my mother instilled in my three sisters and me the old saying, that what happens in the home, stays in the home. I feel as if that saying handicapped us. My mom would date man after man after man, from the time that we were babies until our late teens. We had to witness to her many beatings by whomever she would play house with at the time. My oldest sister was supermodel fine all of her life so my mother’s men would take advantage of her body and when she told my mom, she denied it and called her a bitch.
My mom used to make us go over her “God-dad” house and he molested us all…I was 8 then. I was raped at 10. And aside from the encounters that we had with these strange men, if my mother wasn’t getting beat, or her men weren’t finding reasons to play daddy and beat us, she was doing the beating.
I don’t know if my childhood was a curse or a disguised blessing because although I suffered from low self-esteem from being called ugly and told that all I would be was a piece of ass to anyone from the asshole who raped me for four years of my life, I now know my worth. I have graduated from college with two degrees, and am working on my Master’s (got two classes to go), all at the tender age of 23. I really think that I’ve had one real encounter with love; even though I have had two serious relationships where I have confessed love but when I look back on them, there is no way that I loved one but I did the other.
I have male friends that I would love to be with romantically but they only see me as their “friend” and I think that it has a lot to do with my childhood story, guys don’t want to hurt someone that has been through that much in their lifetime nor do they want to feel the need to care for them either. I have never acted as if I need a guy to care for me because I feel that I can do for myself but it would be nice to find the man that complements me, you know, the one that completes me and I him, and guys are intimidated because I don’t have the “men ain’t shit” attitude because of what I’ve been through.
I believe that they all deserve their own chance to live up to who they are or live down to who they try to be. And in these times it’s hard to find a guy that truly talks and walks in the same direction!!
But I stated all of that to state this…I don’t think that I can forgive my mother because of her personality…Since my childhood she has become active in the church and has began volunteering with abused women and children but she still treats us like we are only “paychecks” to her. My twin’s and my father have paid her child support since we were young and even when we moved away to school she didn’t contribute to our education or living at all (with his checks), she gets taxes and all for us using her address just to attend school and again we get nothing but she preaches how we should forgive our past and this and that and never admit to her faults at all. I just need to know how I can forgive her. How can I keep the past from haunting my dreams? And could it be affecting my quest for love?
I can’t continue to live like this…
Signed,
Forgive or Not
Dear Forgive or Not,
You cannot change your past but I, for one, am extremely proud of your accomplishments at such a young age. You had many excuses to give up on life—and many people give up for a lot less—but you turned your suffering into a determination to succeed and that is the path you should continue to take. You cannot help your mother. She has made her bed and she will surely get her just due, sooner or later. In all honesty, abuse is a cycle and hopefully that cycle will be broken with you and your twin. What happened to you during your childhood is unforgivable. The one person who was supposed to be your greatest protector cause you the most harm.
Even though your mother has started volunteer work, until she rectifies herself with her children, that means close to nothing. If she is attending church, she should know that but maybe she does not. Being that she will not admit fault, she has not truly faced the ramifications of her actions. But you must forgive her. You will never forget but you must try to forgive. Otherwise, too much of your energy will be spent on negativity and not the positive things that are happening in your life.
As for men, it might certainly be affecting your quest for love but you said it yourself. By revealing too much about your past too early, you may be sending the wrong signals to men. While you are dealing with your molestation, a lot of men will shy away from a relationship with you if you bring it up early on. They may fear that you will never trust a man and that it would be too much work to try to get close to you. I am not saying that you should hide your past from whomever you end up with but I am saying do not discuss it right out of the gate.
I wish you nothing but the best and please continue to let me know what is going on with you.
Blessings,
Zane
I know you get people that write you all the time talking about how they love your books and all but I really do!! I feel as if I have a connection with your characters because of my childhood….
I grew up in the South and my mother instilled in my three sisters and me the old saying, that what happens in the home, stays in the home. I feel as if that saying handicapped us. My mom would date man after man after man, from the time that we were babies until our late teens. We had to witness to her many beatings by whomever she would play house with at the time. My oldest sister was supermodel fine all of her life so my mother’s men would take advantage of her body and when she told my mom, she denied it and called her a bitch.
My mom used to make us go over her “God-dad” house and he molested us all…I was 8 then. I was raped at 10. And aside from the encounters that we had with these strange men, if my mother wasn’t getting beat, or her men weren’t finding reasons to play daddy and beat us, she was doing the beating.
I don’t know if my childhood was a curse or a disguised blessing because although I suffered from low self-esteem from being called ugly and told that all I would be was a piece of ass to anyone from the asshole who raped me for four years of my life, I now know my worth. I have graduated from college with two degrees, and am working on my Master’s (got two classes to go), all at the tender age of 23. I really think that I’ve had one real encounter with love; even though I have had two serious relationships where I have confessed love but when I look back on them, there is no way that I loved one but I did the other.
I have male friends that I would love to be with romantically but they only see me as their “friend” and I think that it has a lot to do with my childhood story, guys don’t want to hurt someone that has been through that much in their lifetime nor do they want to feel the need to care for them either. I have never acted as if I need a guy to care for me because I feel that I can do for myself but it would be nice to find the man that complements me, you know, the one that completes me and I him, and guys are intimidated because I don’t have the “men ain’t shit” attitude because of what I’ve been through.
I believe that they all deserve their own chance to live up to who they are or live down to who they try to be. And in these times it’s hard to find a guy that truly talks and walks in the same direction!!
But I stated all of that to state this…I don’t think that I can forgive my mother because of her personality…Since my childhood she has become active in the church and has began volunteering with abused women and children but she still treats us like we are only “paychecks” to her. My twin’s and my father have paid her child support since we were young and even when we moved away to school she didn’t contribute to our education or living at all (with his checks), she gets taxes and all for us using her address just to attend school and again we get nothing but she preaches how we should forgive our past and this and that and never admit to her faults at all. I just need to know how I can forgive her. How can I keep the past from haunting my dreams? And could it be affecting my quest for love?
I can’t continue to live like this…
Signed,
Forgive or Not
Dear Forgive or Not,
You cannot change your past but I, for one, am extremely proud of your accomplishments at such a young age. You had many excuses to give up on life—and many people give up for a lot less—but you turned your suffering into a determination to succeed and that is the path you should continue to take. You cannot help your mother. She has made her bed and she will surely get her just due, sooner or later. In all honesty, abuse is a cycle and hopefully that cycle will be broken with you and your twin. What happened to you during your childhood is unforgivable. The one person who was supposed to be your greatest protector cause you the most harm.
Even though your mother has started volunteer work, until she rectifies herself with her children, that means close to nothing. If she is attending church, she should know that but maybe she does not. Being that she will not admit fault, she has not truly faced the ramifications of her actions. But you must forgive her. You will never forget but you must try to forgive. Otherwise, too much of your energy will be spent on negativity and not the positive things that are happening in your life.
As for men, it might certainly be affecting your quest for love but you said it yourself. By revealing too much about your past too early, you may be sending the wrong signals to men. While you are dealing with your molestation, a lot of men will shy away from a relationship with you if you bring it up early on. They may fear that you will never trust a man and that it would be too much work to try to get close to you. I am not saying that you should hide your past from whomever you end up with but I am saying do not discuss it right out of the gate.
I wish you nothing but the best and please continue to let me know what is going on with you.
Blessings,
Zane
Dateless Single Mother
Dear Zane,
I have been reading your books for about 6 years now. I read Addicted first and was all up in the bookstore as more of your books came out. Let me get to my problem.I am 31 year old divorced mother of 3 children. I was divorced about 6 years ago and I have not been in a relationship since then. The first few years it was fine with me because I was just rediscovering life as a single woman. But now it is starting to bother me. I have tried the dating thing, but every man that I thought I was dating wasn't really interested in me. They seemed to be more interested in just having the "friends with benefits" kind of relationship. I feel like I am too old for it now. I was starting to think that something was wrong with me, so that’s why men wouldn’t take me seriously. Then I asked someone that I had dated previously and was told that men are afraid of me because I have 3 kids. I just don’t understand how me being able to date has anything to do with me having kids. People do it all the time, or so I thought. So my question is this, do men really run away from women that have children, and if they do, then why even act interested if they are not going to take that woman seriously?
Thank you,
Dateless Single Mother
Feel free to use this in your blog, I am interested in what people think about this.
Dear Dateless Single Mother,
The fact that you have children might have something to do with it when it comes to being in a serious relationship but like you said, why even approach you or get with you in the first place. If you are dating men who do not have children, that may be the problem. I notice on a lot of the reality dating shows that the first contestant often eliminated is the one with kids because the other party is still looking to have fun and not be tied down. Many people assume—especially arrogant men—that women with children are searching for a baby’s daddy and not simply a man.
I have no idea what kind of vibes you are giving off but there are men out there who love kids and would welcome the opportunity to get to know you. You should seek out men in similar situations though. I have kids and the men that I date tend to have kids so it is a mutual thing. I honestly shy away from men without kids because I do not feel that they could A)totally comprehend that my children come first and B)understand that I do not plan on having any more kids. That is a personal preference of mine and everyone is entitled to that. I do not try to hide it though.
You need to be upfront with men you meet from this point forward and ask them straight up if they have an issue with you being a mother. If they do, let them keep moving on so you can save yourself a bunch of heartache. It will be interesting to see what others think.
Blessings,
Zane
I have been reading your books for about 6 years now. I read Addicted first and was all up in the bookstore as more of your books came out. Let me get to my problem.I am 31 year old divorced mother of 3 children. I was divorced about 6 years ago and I have not been in a relationship since then. The first few years it was fine with me because I was just rediscovering life as a single woman. But now it is starting to bother me. I have tried the dating thing, but every man that I thought I was dating wasn't really interested in me. They seemed to be more interested in just having the "friends with benefits" kind of relationship. I feel like I am too old for it now. I was starting to think that something was wrong with me, so that’s why men wouldn’t take me seriously. Then I asked someone that I had dated previously and was told that men are afraid of me because I have 3 kids. I just don’t understand how me being able to date has anything to do with me having kids. People do it all the time, or so I thought. So my question is this, do men really run away from women that have children, and if they do, then why even act interested if they are not going to take that woman seriously?
Thank you,
Dateless Single Mother
Feel free to use this in your blog, I am interested in what people think about this.
Dear Dateless Single Mother,
The fact that you have children might have something to do with it when it comes to being in a serious relationship but like you said, why even approach you or get with you in the first place. If you are dating men who do not have children, that may be the problem. I notice on a lot of the reality dating shows that the first contestant often eliminated is the one with kids because the other party is still looking to have fun and not be tied down. Many people assume—especially arrogant men—that women with children are searching for a baby’s daddy and not simply a man.
I have no idea what kind of vibes you are giving off but there are men out there who love kids and would welcome the opportunity to get to know you. You should seek out men in similar situations though. I have kids and the men that I date tend to have kids so it is a mutual thing. I honestly shy away from men without kids because I do not feel that they could A)totally comprehend that my children come first and B)understand that I do not plan on having any more kids. That is a personal preference of mine and everyone is entitled to that. I do not try to hide it though.
You need to be upfront with men you meet from this point forward and ask them straight up if they have an issue with you being a mother. If they do, let them keep moving on so you can save yourself a bunch of heartache. It will be interesting to see what others think.
Blessings,
Zane
To Online Date or Not
Dear Zane,
I enjoy the anonymous blogs that you share with your readers; thank you very much for those. And you can post mine in the same fashion.
I have been going back and forth about deciding whether or not online dating is a good way to find a mate for a meaningful relationship. I'm 24 and have never been in an actual relationship. I've talked to maybe 6 guys and had sex with only 2 of them. The second of the 2 I met through MySpace and we started out having great conversation. Shortly after we met in person it all went downhill, mainly b/c this dude had a lot of bad luck on his end. I stopped talking to him when I realized that he refused to friend me on MySpace. I just felt like he had something to hide. And then, just last week I was chatting it up with another guy on here and gave him my number. But when he called, I just wasn't feeling his vibe, and he was talking all kinds of nonsense about black women. Do you think a lot of men on here are on here just to see who they can "hook-up" with? I saw somewhere when you wrote back your advice to someone in another blog that women fall for what they hear and men fall for what they see...the more I think about it, the more true it is. I think men see a pretty girl in the pics so they send messages saying "you look like a nice girl" and "I just wanna get to know you" and sometimes I can't help but think that they're running game. What is your opinion?
Signed,
To Online Date or Not
Dear To Online Date or Not,
I believe that the Internet has made “running game” a lot easier because most of the sites are nothing more than online meat markets. Solid and long term relationships are destroyed because of the temptation. It is a breeze to set up potential lovers from coast to coast without even leaving your home and you can do it in your pajamas. A lot of people-particularly women-are so desperate for love that as soon as a man sends them an email or leaves a comment, they are ready to get involved.
Here is the thing. A lot of women feel obligated to talk to every single man who shows interest in them, genuine or not. Men realize that and often take advantage of it. I believe that there are good men in the world and thus, good men on the Internet, but you have to use your common sense to weed them out. The men that you have met thus far were not right for you but you will and have surely met men in real life who fall into the same category. Proceed with caution with any of them and do not rush into anything or tie up your feelings. While that can be a lot easier said than done, it is essential.
The great part about the Internet is that if someone approaches you that you do not want to be bothered with, it is so easy to block them from contacting you or from harassing you. In real life, you may have to take out a restraining order.
Blessings,
Zane
I enjoy the anonymous blogs that you share with your readers; thank you very much for those. And you can post mine in the same fashion.
I have been going back and forth about deciding whether or not online dating is a good way to find a mate for a meaningful relationship. I'm 24 and have never been in an actual relationship. I've talked to maybe 6 guys and had sex with only 2 of them. The second of the 2 I met through MySpace and we started out having great conversation. Shortly after we met in person it all went downhill, mainly b/c this dude had a lot of bad luck on his end. I stopped talking to him when I realized that he refused to friend me on MySpace. I just felt like he had something to hide. And then, just last week I was chatting it up with another guy on here and gave him my number. But when he called, I just wasn't feeling his vibe, and he was talking all kinds of nonsense about black women. Do you think a lot of men on here are on here just to see who they can "hook-up" with? I saw somewhere when you wrote back your advice to someone in another blog that women fall for what they hear and men fall for what they see...the more I think about it, the more true it is. I think men see a pretty girl in the pics so they send messages saying "you look like a nice girl" and "I just wanna get to know you" and sometimes I can't help but think that they're running game. What is your opinion?
Signed,
To Online Date or Not
Dear To Online Date or Not,
I believe that the Internet has made “running game” a lot easier because most of the sites are nothing more than online meat markets. Solid and long term relationships are destroyed because of the temptation. It is a breeze to set up potential lovers from coast to coast without even leaving your home and you can do it in your pajamas. A lot of people-particularly women-are so desperate for love that as soon as a man sends them an email or leaves a comment, they are ready to get involved.
Here is the thing. A lot of women feel obligated to talk to every single man who shows interest in them, genuine or not. Men realize that and often take advantage of it. I believe that there are good men in the world and thus, good men on the Internet, but you have to use your common sense to weed them out. The men that you have met thus far were not right for you but you will and have surely met men in real life who fall into the same category. Proceed with caution with any of them and do not rush into anything or tie up your feelings. While that can be a lot easier said than done, it is essential.
The great part about the Internet is that if someone approaches you that you do not want to be bothered with, it is so easy to block them from contacting you or from harassing you. In real life, you may have to take out a restraining order.
Blessings,
Zane
Not Invited to Thanksgiving
Dear Zane,
I already stated in other blog that I have a boyfriend and we have been together 8 months. I don’t have any family to spend thanksgiving with and I have friends, but I wanted to spend time with my boo for the holidays. I have met his whole family many of times and was even over his house last week.
With him knowing this my 1st year without family he didn't invite me to thanksgiving with him but his family did and I know he is the one who matters and not his family, but I still fault him that he should have invited me. And his mother said she would come and get me but I said I wasn’t going unless he came and got me. I talked to him about it and he said if I showed up he would leave his own house and he said thanksgiving is for family. On Monday my friends had something at my house and I invited him to join. Am I wrong for thinking that he is just being selfish or am I wrong for thinking he should have been nice enough and invited me?
Signed,
Not Invited to Thanksgiving
Dear Not Invited to Thanksgiving,
I am going to be blunt. You need to tell him to kiss your ass and then never respond to his phone calls, emails, text messages, etc. again. He might be your boyfriend but you must not be his girlfriend, not in the true sense of the word. You have been dating for eight months and this is all his doing. His family invited you and his mother even offered to get you but he wants to act like a baby and give you a stupid ultimatum so you will not come.
He is not the type of man you need to waste your oxygen on, rather less your time. Selfish does not even begin to describe his actions and you deserve better. Something tells me that you will stay with him but that is my two cents.
Blessings,
Zane
UPDATE: This was her response: You don’t think it would be too deep to break up with him over one thing.
MY RESPONSE: I have a feeling that you will not stop seeing him but you can count on this, his level of disrespect for you will continue and you can mark my words on that. If you want to accept it that is on you but do not be surprised when it happens again and again and again. If he makes you happy, go for it.
Blessings,
Zane
I already stated in other blog that I have a boyfriend and we have been together 8 months. I don’t have any family to spend thanksgiving with and I have friends, but I wanted to spend time with my boo for the holidays. I have met his whole family many of times and was even over his house last week.
With him knowing this my 1st year without family he didn't invite me to thanksgiving with him but his family did and I know he is the one who matters and not his family, but I still fault him that he should have invited me. And his mother said she would come and get me but I said I wasn’t going unless he came and got me. I talked to him about it and he said if I showed up he would leave his own house and he said thanksgiving is for family. On Monday my friends had something at my house and I invited him to join. Am I wrong for thinking that he is just being selfish or am I wrong for thinking he should have been nice enough and invited me?
Signed,
Not Invited to Thanksgiving
Dear Not Invited to Thanksgiving,
I am going to be blunt. You need to tell him to kiss your ass and then never respond to his phone calls, emails, text messages, etc. again. He might be your boyfriend but you must not be his girlfriend, not in the true sense of the word. You have been dating for eight months and this is all his doing. His family invited you and his mother even offered to get you but he wants to act like a baby and give you a stupid ultimatum so you will not come.
He is not the type of man you need to waste your oxygen on, rather less your time. Selfish does not even begin to describe his actions and you deserve better. Something tells me that you will stay with him but that is my two cents.
Blessings,
Zane
UPDATE: This was her response: You don’t think it would be too deep to break up with him over one thing.
MY RESPONSE: I have a feeling that you will not stop seeing him but you can count on this, his level of disrespect for you will continue and you can mark my words on that. If you want to accept it that is on you but do not be surprised when it happens again and again and again. If he makes you happy, go for it.
Blessings,
Zane
When Your Sister Is "A Convenient Lesbian"
Dear Zane,
Hello love, feel like I know you...read all of your books!Anyway what I’m going through I never thought I would. I am a 28 year old lesbian female and have been that way for 10 years. I came out my sophomore year of college...after fully exploring the male species and determining it wasn't for me!My dilemma is my 24 year old sister.....uhgggg she has two kids who I love dearly and her children's father, although he has his faults for criminal behavior, loves her and them very much. I've actually seen him turn over a new leaf. My sister has been in and out of relationships since her children’s' father was locked up...this most recent relationship really changed her. She began dancing at a local club. She's my sister so I don't judge, just tell her to be careful. Now when she woke up from this outer body stripper experience.... she announced to the family that she was now GAY.
Nobody see's my issue with this. Zane, I am soooo tired of this bi-sexuality based on the premise that a woman won't hurt you as bad as a man. I know what the issue is with my sister. This girl she's dealing with has money and she likes to spend it on my sis. My mother got caught up in the same cycle about 12 years ago. I'm just frustrated because I feel this behavior adds to why society treats gays the way they do. We are not taken seriously because of all these "switch hitters".... You can't make yourself gay and I can't make myself straight...not even to make someone else happy. I'm not sure what guidance to give her. I was totally disgusted by her revelation. What to do, what to do?Love you , Zane!
Signed,
A Real Lesbian
Dear A Real Lesbian,
I understand where you are coming from but there is nothing more that you can do than what you probably already have. You broke it down pretty clearly for me. Your sister is dating a woman because she can use her for money and because she more than likely feels like she is in the powerful position in the relationship, a position she did not probably feel with the father of her children.
I know quite a few woman who claim that a bad relationship with a man turned them gay. I guess that if they like it, I love it. You cannot tell your sister what to do, any more than you could tell your mother. One of two things will happen. She will continue on this path and date women the rest of her life and be a switch hitter from time to time, or she will decide that women are not her thing after all and return to the dick. You cannot make that choice for her. I would just stay away from her drama and let her gain the benefits from her own mistakes.
Blessings,
Zane
Hello love, feel like I know you...read all of your books!Anyway what I’m going through I never thought I would. I am a 28 year old lesbian female and have been that way for 10 years. I came out my sophomore year of college...after fully exploring the male species and determining it wasn't for me!My dilemma is my 24 year old sister.....uhgggg she has two kids who I love dearly and her children's father, although he has his faults for criminal behavior, loves her and them very much. I've actually seen him turn over a new leaf. My sister has been in and out of relationships since her children’s' father was locked up...this most recent relationship really changed her. She began dancing at a local club. She's my sister so I don't judge, just tell her to be careful. Now when she woke up from this outer body stripper experience.... she announced to the family that she was now GAY.
Nobody see's my issue with this. Zane, I am soooo tired of this bi-sexuality based on the premise that a woman won't hurt you as bad as a man. I know what the issue is with my sister. This girl she's dealing with has money and she likes to spend it on my sis. My mother got caught up in the same cycle about 12 years ago. I'm just frustrated because I feel this behavior adds to why society treats gays the way they do. We are not taken seriously because of all these "switch hitters".... You can't make yourself gay and I can't make myself straight...not even to make someone else happy. I'm not sure what guidance to give her. I was totally disgusted by her revelation. What to do, what to do?Love you , Zane!
Signed,
A Real Lesbian
Dear A Real Lesbian,
I understand where you are coming from but there is nothing more that you can do than what you probably already have. You broke it down pretty clearly for me. Your sister is dating a woman because she can use her for money and because she more than likely feels like she is in the powerful position in the relationship, a position she did not probably feel with the father of her children.
I know quite a few woman who claim that a bad relationship with a man turned them gay. I guess that if they like it, I love it. You cannot tell your sister what to do, any more than you could tell your mother. One of two things will happen. She will continue on this path and date women the rest of her life and be a switch hitter from time to time, or she will decide that women are not her thing after all and return to the dick. You cannot make that choice for her. I would just stay away from her drama and let her gain the benefits from her own mistakes.
Blessings,
Zane
When You Let It Happen
Dear Zane,
I just want to let you know that you are a very talented author and I love your work. I'm really confused about some things.About three months ago, I started hanging out with a girl that I met through my best friend. We go out together every weekend and she's really fun to be around. She calls me and text me every day and we talk for hours at a time. She had revealed to me that she used to date a girl before she moved here but she says it was only that one time. I thought it was curiosity.
Well we went out this weekend to a club together. While I was dancing she walked up behind me and started dancing and touching on me, but I didn't stop her. I thought we were just having fun until she kissed me. I didn't push her away and I did kiss her back, for about a minute we kissed. Afterwards I went into the bathroom because I couldn't believe what had just happened and she followed me. She told me that she had wanted to do that for a while now, and she asked me if I was attracted to her.
I didn't really know what to tell her because I was really shocked. I just kept looking at her. Then after about 5 minutes of awkward silence between us she walked up to me and started to touch me sexually and I continued to let it happen. When we left the club we went to her house for our weekly card game with more of our friends. She asked me to follow her to her room and I did. She actually slowly undressed me and walked me to the shower with her. She bathed me and kissed me everywhere, and I let it happen. It felt like I was in heaven. But I feel bad because I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 5 years and we live together, but I did not once think about him while I was with her. I'm thinking about telling him that I cheated, but I'm scared he might leave me. He's a great man and deserves to know the truth. Should I tell him or not? Am I discovering my true sexuality or am I just curious? Should I continue seeing her? Please help me, Zane.
Signed,
I Let It Happen
Dear I Let It Happen,
This is an interesting situation. I do think you were curious and decided to go along for the ride to see what happened. Nowhere in your email did you express sincere feelings for the woman so it was a sex thing and nothing more. She had a feeling that she could seduce you and that is exactly what she did. Nothing more, nothing less.
As far as telling your man, I believe you might lose him. There is always that risk but you have to place yourself in his shoes. If he slipped and had sex with someone else but still remained in a relationship with you, would you expect him to be honest? If your answer is yes, then there is what you should do. If your answer is no, then that means you are content to be in a relationship based on lies.
You need to do some serious soul-searching and only you can do that. Reflect upon what happened and why you believe you allowed it to go as far as it did. People do not become lesbians overnight though and a lot of women have experimented but are certainly not gay. You cannot continue to see her unless you stop seeing your boyfriend. Cheating is cheating, even if it is with the same sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I just want to let you know that you are a very talented author and I love your work. I'm really confused about some things.About three months ago, I started hanging out with a girl that I met through my best friend. We go out together every weekend and she's really fun to be around. She calls me and text me every day and we talk for hours at a time. She had revealed to me that she used to date a girl before she moved here but she says it was only that one time. I thought it was curiosity.
Well we went out this weekend to a club together. While I was dancing she walked up behind me and started dancing and touching on me, but I didn't stop her. I thought we were just having fun until she kissed me. I didn't push her away and I did kiss her back, for about a minute we kissed. Afterwards I went into the bathroom because I couldn't believe what had just happened and she followed me. She told me that she had wanted to do that for a while now, and she asked me if I was attracted to her.
I didn't really know what to tell her because I was really shocked. I just kept looking at her. Then after about 5 minutes of awkward silence between us she walked up to me and started to touch me sexually and I continued to let it happen. When we left the club we went to her house for our weekly card game with more of our friends. She asked me to follow her to her room and I did. She actually slowly undressed me and walked me to the shower with her. She bathed me and kissed me everywhere, and I let it happen. It felt like I was in heaven. But I feel bad because I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 5 years and we live together, but I did not once think about him while I was with her. I'm thinking about telling him that I cheated, but I'm scared he might leave me. He's a great man and deserves to know the truth. Should I tell him or not? Am I discovering my true sexuality or am I just curious? Should I continue seeing her? Please help me, Zane.
Signed,
I Let It Happen
Dear I Let It Happen,
This is an interesting situation. I do think you were curious and decided to go along for the ride to see what happened. Nowhere in your email did you express sincere feelings for the woman so it was a sex thing and nothing more. She had a feeling that she could seduce you and that is exactly what she did. Nothing more, nothing less.
As far as telling your man, I believe you might lose him. There is always that risk but you have to place yourself in his shoes. If he slipped and had sex with someone else but still remained in a relationship with you, would you expect him to be honest? If your answer is yes, then there is what you should do. If your answer is no, then that means you are content to be in a relationship based on lies.
You need to do some serious soul-searching and only you can do that. Reflect upon what happened and why you believe you allowed it to go as far as it did. People do not become lesbians overnight though and a lot of women have experimented but are certainly not gay. You cannot continue to see her unless you stop seeing your boyfriend. Cheating is cheating, even if it is with the same sex.
Blessings,
Zane
He Wants You To Leave The Kids With Him
Dear Zane,
I have been reading your blogs for a while and I can’t help but relate to these people that are asking you for advice.I need a little myself: I have been with my kids’ dad for 7 years. In those 7 years we had 2 beautiful children. With that said, my first child was conceived at a time when we were on rocky grounds and he resented me for it. Then we tried to work it thru until I got kicked out of my apartment because of an incident that involved him. When I asked him what we were going to do all he said was what are you going to do, I then decided to move to another state where I had family to help me. He then started visiting me and the child once a month and said that everything was ok between us but I stayed where I was because he didn’t offer for us to come with him.
That went on for 4 years and now we have gotten married and are trying the whole family thing with our children. He has always said he never wanted to get married and he never wanted children, but never took precautions not to have them. I have done many things for this man because I love him but now that he is acting as a family man, he thinks I am not the person he wants to be with but is tolerating me because of the kids. I don’t know what to say or do any more. If I leave, he wants to keep the kids and I’m not for that. Then if I leave, I’m going to go back to where my family is and then he doesn’t want to be a part of the kids’ lives. Now I didn’t have a family growing up and he has both his parents. I want my kids to have the same but at what expense???? Any Zane advice??? Thanks .
Signed,
A Long Way From Home
Dear A Long Way From Home,
Your husband is being verbally abusive and, in my opinion, making threats to try to get you to abandon your children. Do not contemplate that for five seconds. He cannot automatically gain custody of the kids, unless he can prove that you are an unfit parent. Do not leave either. Make him leave and file for divorce. In many states, you cannot simply state irreconcilable differences but you must prove actual grounds.
He had not one but two babies with you, even though he never wanted to. He married you, even though he never wanted to. He has serious issues. Now I am not suggesting that you should stay married to him forever because obviously, this is not going to work. While it is always ideal to have a two-parent home, it can be more harmful is the environment is detrimental to the children. This is a dilemma being faced by countless people around the world at any given moment.
Tell him that is he wants a divorce to file for one. Tell him that you are not leaving the marital home that you have just as much a right to as him and if he wants out, get out. Do not allow him to bully you into doing something you will later regret. If he does not leave, seek legal advice and find out your options.
Blessings,
Zane
I have been reading your blogs for a while and I can’t help but relate to these people that are asking you for advice.I need a little myself: I have been with my kids’ dad for 7 years. In those 7 years we had 2 beautiful children. With that said, my first child was conceived at a time when we were on rocky grounds and he resented me for it. Then we tried to work it thru until I got kicked out of my apartment because of an incident that involved him. When I asked him what we were going to do all he said was what are you going to do, I then decided to move to another state where I had family to help me. He then started visiting me and the child once a month and said that everything was ok between us but I stayed where I was because he didn’t offer for us to come with him.
That went on for 4 years and now we have gotten married and are trying the whole family thing with our children. He has always said he never wanted to get married and he never wanted children, but never took precautions not to have them. I have done many things for this man because I love him but now that he is acting as a family man, he thinks I am not the person he wants to be with but is tolerating me because of the kids. I don’t know what to say or do any more. If I leave, he wants to keep the kids and I’m not for that. Then if I leave, I’m going to go back to where my family is and then he doesn’t want to be a part of the kids’ lives. Now I didn’t have a family growing up and he has both his parents. I want my kids to have the same but at what expense???? Any Zane advice??? Thanks .
Signed,
A Long Way From Home
Dear A Long Way From Home,
Your husband is being verbally abusive and, in my opinion, making threats to try to get you to abandon your children. Do not contemplate that for five seconds. He cannot automatically gain custody of the kids, unless he can prove that you are an unfit parent. Do not leave either. Make him leave and file for divorce. In many states, you cannot simply state irreconcilable differences but you must prove actual grounds.
He had not one but two babies with you, even though he never wanted to. He married you, even though he never wanted to. He has serious issues. Now I am not suggesting that you should stay married to him forever because obviously, this is not going to work. While it is always ideal to have a two-parent home, it can be more harmful is the environment is detrimental to the children. This is a dilemma being faced by countless people around the world at any given moment.
Tell him that is he wants a divorce to file for one. Tell him that you are not leaving the marital home that you have just as much a right to as him and if he wants out, get out. Do not allow him to bully you into doing something you will later regret. If he does not leave, seek legal advice and find out your options.
Blessings,
Zane
Do Older Women Take Younger Men Seriously?
Dear Zane,
I have sent you a message before and I thank you for your advice. Now I have another question. I can honestly say that at least 90% of my past relationships have been with older women. I am 18 and they have gotten as old as 35. I've noticed that there is a large amount of women that like to be with younger men. This isn't exactly a problem; however I have noticed that the older women only want to "have fun". Nothing serious. No long term relationships. I was just wondering if you think this is for all women. Do you think there is a possibility that there are women out there who are willing to have a serious relationship with younger men?
Signed,
Young Lover
Dear Young Lover,
There are women who do get into serious relationships with younger men. Many of them lose their careers, families and even their freedom because of it. Depending on the ages of the women, that will have a lot to do with the situation. A 35-year-old woman dating an 18-year-old is more than likely not going to take him around her friends and family. Why? Because she knows her ass is wrong. To me, there is a huge difference between a 28-year-old woman dating an 18-year-old man and a 38-year-old woman dating a 28-year-old man. For one thing a man has had a chance to truly mature. The women you are dealing with can be judged based on their actions. You know the deal and you should not expect a different result if you keep doing the same things.
Blessings,
Zane
I have sent you a message before and I thank you for your advice. Now I have another question. I can honestly say that at least 90% of my past relationships have been with older women. I am 18 and they have gotten as old as 35. I've noticed that there is a large amount of women that like to be with younger men. This isn't exactly a problem; however I have noticed that the older women only want to "have fun". Nothing serious. No long term relationships. I was just wondering if you think this is for all women. Do you think there is a possibility that there are women out there who are willing to have a serious relationship with younger men?
Signed,
Young Lover
Dear Young Lover,
There are women who do get into serious relationships with younger men. Many of them lose their careers, families and even their freedom because of it. Depending on the ages of the women, that will have a lot to do with the situation. A 35-year-old woman dating an 18-year-old is more than likely not going to take him around her friends and family. Why? Because she knows her ass is wrong. To me, there is a huge difference between a 28-year-old woman dating an 18-year-old man and a 38-year-old woman dating a 28-year-old man. For one thing a man has had a chance to truly mature. The women you are dealing with can be judged based on their actions. You know the deal and you should not expect a different result if you keep doing the same things.
Blessings,
Zane
Trying To Get Serious Too Soon
Dear Zane,
I hope you are doing good. Well, I'm back to asking for advice again. I met this guy on the internet he emailed me through yahoo personals and found me on MySpace. We have been talking for about a month (I know it's a very short time). I already met him; he stays not far from Chicago. Well anyway, I went to his place and everything was fine. He made me feel really comfortable and just chilled. Well he is a masseuse so before I went there, I asked him to give me a massage so he said that he will do it when I see him. When I got there, he gave me a very good massage but I was so curios about him that I led him to have sex with me (PROTECTED OF COURSE) although it was unexpected, I must say it was good for that small length of time. So anyway, he has a 13yr son that lives with him and he doesn't communicate with the mother according to what he says and he has also been single for 2yrs too. He has been at his job for 11yrs and has his own place. I also work, go to school and my own place. I really want to spend time with him but our schedules are kind of complicated but I'm willing to see how things work out for us.
He has hinted that he wants to get into a relationship and I don't want to jump on it like it's the last thing on earth. I said that I want to be in a relationship and think he is the one so far. We talk every day and at this moment he can't see me because his license is suspended until next yr due to an accident. Anyway I don't mind taking that hour ride to see him because I like traveling anyway. I just haven't traveled in a long time. Well a little more about him: he's 34, I'm 28, he's quiet so far as I have seen and heard and very affectionate. I told him that I apologize for leading him to having sex with me; he said he wasn't expecting it either but he said it was good too. I told him that I like him and would like to be around him more and take it to the next level. He said that we will see. I'm not rushing him at all. But I feel this sudden urgency of wanting to see him more. It's been a very long time (years) since I have felt this way towards a guy.So my question to you is what a female to do about this? By the way I Haven't been on the dating scene in a long time and the way people choose to have sex as a priority, it's really hard to find a guy to really get to know. I know you won't be able to get to this message soon but I'll wait and look forward to your response.
Signed,
What Should I Do
Dear What Should I Do,
Maybe it is just me but I do not see any issues with your current situation, other than you are trying to rush nature and matters a little too much. The two of you have come a long way in the span of one month. You are feeling him and he is feeling you and there is nothing wrong with that. Do not have any great expectations and go with the flow. He seems to be on the same level as you, work-wise and success-wise. You have an urgency to see him because you like him but do not interject himself into his life so quickly. He said that he wants to see where it goes so relax and see what happens.
Blessings,
Zane
I hope you are doing good. Well, I'm back to asking for advice again. I met this guy on the internet he emailed me through yahoo personals and found me on MySpace. We have been talking for about a month (I know it's a very short time). I already met him; he stays not far from Chicago. Well anyway, I went to his place and everything was fine. He made me feel really comfortable and just chilled. Well he is a masseuse so before I went there, I asked him to give me a massage so he said that he will do it when I see him. When I got there, he gave me a very good massage but I was so curios about him that I led him to have sex with me (PROTECTED OF COURSE) although it was unexpected, I must say it was good for that small length of time. So anyway, he has a 13yr son that lives with him and he doesn't communicate with the mother according to what he says and he has also been single for 2yrs too. He has been at his job for 11yrs and has his own place. I also work, go to school and my own place. I really want to spend time with him but our schedules are kind of complicated but I'm willing to see how things work out for us.
He has hinted that he wants to get into a relationship and I don't want to jump on it like it's the last thing on earth. I said that I want to be in a relationship and think he is the one so far. We talk every day and at this moment he can't see me because his license is suspended until next yr due to an accident. Anyway I don't mind taking that hour ride to see him because I like traveling anyway. I just haven't traveled in a long time. Well a little more about him: he's 34, I'm 28, he's quiet so far as I have seen and heard and very affectionate. I told him that I apologize for leading him to having sex with me; he said he wasn't expecting it either but he said it was good too. I told him that I like him and would like to be around him more and take it to the next level. He said that we will see. I'm not rushing him at all. But I feel this sudden urgency of wanting to see him more. It's been a very long time (years) since I have felt this way towards a guy.So my question to you is what a female to do about this? By the way I Haven't been on the dating scene in a long time and the way people choose to have sex as a priority, it's really hard to find a guy to really get to know. I know you won't be able to get to this message soon but I'll wait and look forward to your response.
Signed,
What Should I Do
Dear What Should I Do,
Maybe it is just me but I do not see any issues with your current situation, other than you are trying to rush nature and matters a little too much. The two of you have come a long way in the span of one month. You are feeling him and he is feeling you and there is nothing wrong with that. Do not have any great expectations and go with the flow. He seems to be on the same level as you, work-wise and success-wise. You have an urgency to see him because you like him but do not interject himself into his life so quickly. He said that he wants to see where it goes so relax and see what happens.
Blessings,
Zane
What Is That Smell?
Dear Zane,
First, I want to say thank you. Your advice and the advice of the posters have been invaluable. You posted an issue very dear to me and I was surprised how I felt reading it and reading the replies. I just want to say thank you.Next question: It may be a little embarrassing but maybe some readers have this issue. I have noticed that throughout the month, my vaginal odor changes. Sometimes I don't even notice it and then, at other times, I am sure everyone can smell me. The odor is not fishy; in fact, I think it may be hormonal. I went to the doctor and they looked at me like I was crazy and after tests, gave me a clean bill of health. Even with that, I am so conscience of my smell. Do all women experience a change in vaginal odor throughout the month? I never really noticed this before but as I get older (I’m 27), I find myself worried and concerned. No one has ever told me I stink but to me, my vagina is strong (at times). Is this normal?
Signed,
What Is That Smell
Dear What Is That Smell,
As long as the doctor has given you a clean bill of health, I would not be concerned. However, if it is truly bothering you, that is what vaginal cleansers and feminine deodorant spray, panty liners, douches, and all the rest are for. It probably is hormonal or it could be a variety of other factors. If you are using condoms for sex, that might be a factor. If you are not using condoms, your man’s body fluids mixed with yours might be a hot ghetto mess. You can also eat a variety of fruit and change your diet to see how that helps.
Blessings,
Zane
First, I want to say thank you. Your advice and the advice of the posters have been invaluable. You posted an issue very dear to me and I was surprised how I felt reading it and reading the replies. I just want to say thank you.Next question: It may be a little embarrassing but maybe some readers have this issue. I have noticed that throughout the month, my vaginal odor changes. Sometimes I don't even notice it and then, at other times, I am sure everyone can smell me. The odor is not fishy; in fact, I think it may be hormonal. I went to the doctor and they looked at me like I was crazy and after tests, gave me a clean bill of health. Even with that, I am so conscience of my smell. Do all women experience a change in vaginal odor throughout the month? I never really noticed this before but as I get older (I’m 27), I find myself worried and concerned. No one has ever told me I stink but to me, my vagina is strong (at times). Is this normal?
Signed,
What Is That Smell
Dear What Is That Smell,
As long as the doctor has given you a clean bill of health, I would not be concerned. However, if it is truly bothering you, that is what vaginal cleansers and feminine deodorant spray, panty liners, douches, and all the rest are for. It probably is hormonal or it could be a variety of other factors. If you are using condoms for sex, that might be a factor. If you are not using condoms, your man’s body fluids mixed with yours might be a hot ghetto mess. You can also eat a variety of fruit and change your diet to see how that helps.
Blessings,
Zane
Getting Him To Make Time For You
Dear Zane,
I have this coworker who likes me. We chilled together twice and each time we slept together. I really like him a lot. I feel like the feeling is mutual. I’m 29 and he's 39, and my nose is wide open. I have herpes and he accepted that and we have protected ourselves and I feel this attachment because one, we were friends first and two, he accepted my disease and didn’t judge me.
The thing is we were supposed to get together on three different occasions and he didn’t come through, which left me disappointed. We still have our friendship and we talk but I don’t know. Should I keep trying to get him to come and chill with me or should I just leave it alone? I’m confused. It’s not like I want him to be my man. I’m not ready for that type of commitment. I want to tell him how I feel but I can’t find the time because he makes plans to come over but never shows. He says he becomes tired, which I understand because he does work two jobs. I just don’t want to have that conversation at work.
Signed,
Getting Him To Make Time For Me
Dear Getting Him To Make Time For Me,
You should leave it alone. He is trying to be polite but if he really wants to spend time with you, two jobs or not, he will at some point initiate that happening. Even though you work together, he is making it clear that he wants no more than that. The two of you slept together twice and it is great that he accepted your herpes but you have to protect yourself in another way now. You need to protect your heart since this is a man that you have to be around at work regardless.
You have extended him the opportunity to come and be with you and he has consistently not made the effort, even after saying that he would. You need to let this go before it escalates and makes working together impossible.
Blessings,
Zane
I have this coworker who likes me. We chilled together twice and each time we slept together. I really like him a lot. I feel like the feeling is mutual. I’m 29 and he's 39, and my nose is wide open. I have herpes and he accepted that and we have protected ourselves and I feel this attachment because one, we were friends first and two, he accepted my disease and didn’t judge me.
The thing is we were supposed to get together on three different occasions and he didn’t come through, which left me disappointed. We still have our friendship and we talk but I don’t know. Should I keep trying to get him to come and chill with me or should I just leave it alone? I’m confused. It’s not like I want him to be my man. I’m not ready for that type of commitment. I want to tell him how I feel but I can’t find the time because he makes plans to come over but never shows. He says he becomes tired, which I understand because he does work two jobs. I just don’t want to have that conversation at work.
Signed,
Getting Him To Make Time For Me
Dear Getting Him To Make Time For Me,
You should leave it alone. He is trying to be polite but if he really wants to spend time with you, two jobs or not, he will at some point initiate that happening. Even though you work together, he is making it clear that he wants no more than that. The two of you slept together twice and it is great that he accepted your herpes but you have to protect yourself in another way now. You need to protect your heart since this is a man that you have to be around at work regardless.
You have extended him the opportunity to come and be with you and he has consistently not made the effort, even after saying that he would. You need to let this go before it escalates and makes working together impossible.
Blessings,
Zane
When You Seem to Be The Only One Making An Effort
Dear Zane,
Personally I love all of your books. Skyscraper and The Sisters of APF are my favorites. Any way I’m writing to you because, like others, I need advice. I've been with my man for over a year and I love him dearly and he tells me the same. We have even gone as far as talking about me having his baby. Mind you, he's 31 and I'm 19 and he already has 3 kids. I don't mind that. I know he isn't an unfit father so I know I’m okay in that dept. But my thing is he and I hardly spend any time together and that's something I hate with a passion. And he knows it because I’m constantly telling him. So but of course that's when I start accusing him of cheating and what not so, at times, this does turns into an argument. He swears he doesn’t cheats which, at times, I believe because he takes shit like that seriously, but i don’t know.
Is it because I’m not wanting to believe or could it just be that I'm not used to being in a relationship for a long period of time. I really haven’t had the best of luck on relationships, being as though I grew up in a strict household which also leads to my mom not liking my boyfriend because of his age . What should I do? Should I keep trying to make this relationship work? How can I make him understand that spending time with each other is also an important part of our relationship?
Signed,
Ms. Tired of trying
Dear Ms. Tired of Trying,
You cannot make a grown man understand the basics of a relationship if he does not already know it. If I were you mother, strict or not, I would have ten hissy fits if my daughter were dating a man 12 years older than her with three kids. Especially if he has never made a commitment to any of the previous mothers. The fact that he would discuss you having a baby for him speaks volumes. He does not need any more children unless he is a married man. What happened to talking about marriage? Just the baby, huh?
You are young and while you are going to hate to hear this, this man is playing with your emotions. If would be different if he was spending every waking moment with you and was actually caught up but what he is doing it trying to make you accept his bullshit and no longer question it. Even if he is sincere, he is not the man for you. The two of you have different expectations of a relationship. You want to spend quality time together, which is reasonable, and he doesn’t.
Please do yourself a favor and leave him alone. Your mother only wants the best for you and she has the benefit of experience. Next year this time you will be singing your own praises for getting the hell away from him before you ended up pregnant and attached to his no good ass for life.
Blessings,
Zane
Personally I love all of your books. Skyscraper and The Sisters of APF are my favorites. Any way I’m writing to you because, like others, I need advice. I've been with my man for over a year and I love him dearly and he tells me the same. We have even gone as far as talking about me having his baby. Mind you, he's 31 and I'm 19 and he already has 3 kids. I don't mind that. I know he isn't an unfit father so I know I’m okay in that dept. But my thing is he and I hardly spend any time together and that's something I hate with a passion. And he knows it because I’m constantly telling him. So but of course that's when I start accusing him of cheating and what not so, at times, this does turns into an argument. He swears he doesn’t cheats which, at times, I believe because he takes shit like that seriously, but i don’t know.
Is it because I’m not wanting to believe or could it just be that I'm not used to being in a relationship for a long period of time. I really haven’t had the best of luck on relationships, being as though I grew up in a strict household which also leads to my mom not liking my boyfriend because of his age . What should I do? Should I keep trying to make this relationship work? How can I make him understand that spending time with each other is also an important part of our relationship?
Signed,
Ms. Tired of trying
Dear Ms. Tired of Trying,
You cannot make a grown man understand the basics of a relationship if he does not already know it. If I were you mother, strict or not, I would have ten hissy fits if my daughter were dating a man 12 years older than her with three kids. Especially if he has never made a commitment to any of the previous mothers. The fact that he would discuss you having a baby for him speaks volumes. He does not need any more children unless he is a married man. What happened to talking about marriage? Just the baby, huh?
You are young and while you are going to hate to hear this, this man is playing with your emotions. If would be different if he was spending every waking moment with you and was actually caught up but what he is doing it trying to make you accept his bullshit and no longer question it. Even if he is sincere, he is not the man for you. The two of you have different expectations of a relationship. You want to spend quality time together, which is reasonable, and he doesn’t.
Please do yourself a favor and leave him alone. Your mother only wants the best for you and she has the benefit of experience. Next year this time you will be singing your own praises for getting the hell away from him before you ended up pregnant and attached to his no good ass for life.
Blessings,
Zane
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Can Women Get Blue Balls?
Dear Zane,
I have a question that my friend and I have been wanting to know. We've been wondering if girls can have "blue balls" like guys. I don't think it's possible and she thinks it is possible. Can you help us out and share some knowledge with us.
Signed,
In the Know
Dear In the Know,
Women can also experience discomfort due to unrelieved vasocongestion as their pelvic area also becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal. They can experience pelvic heaviness (aka blue walls or blue labia) and aching if they do not reach orgasm. The general term pelvic congestion refers to such pain as it occurs in either sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I have a question that my friend and I have been wanting to know. We've been wondering if girls can have "blue balls" like guys. I don't think it's possible and she thinks it is possible. Can you help us out and share some knowledge with us.
Signed,
In the Know
Dear In the Know,
Women can also experience discomfort due to unrelieved vasocongestion as their pelvic area also becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal. They can experience pelvic heaviness (aka blue walls or blue labia) and aching if they do not reach orgasm. The general term pelvic congestion refers to such pain as it occurs in either sex.
Blessings,
Zane
Can Abuse Make Me Lose My Desire For Sex?
Dear Zane,
First off, let me say I love your books. I love to read adult romance books. It seems the only thing that gets me excited besides porn. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, sex isn't for me, I don't think. What I'm about to tell you only three others know but I need some help. I want to feel like a woman, like you speak about in your latest book, where your fans wrote letters and you wrote back and I haven't found a situation like mine. I thank God no one else had to go through what I did but you give great advice and I terribly need it.
I'm 22 years old, an Aquarius, and I love to write poetry (if you read some of my blogs you will see). I'm a country girl through and through and I love caramel and chocolate men and women. I'm bi-curious; more comfortable around men when discussing personal things, and I love to watch porn and sports. My dad was murdered by my mother when I was just two years of age, and I was isolated from my dad's family(my brother and sister; both half), aunts, uncles, and cousins.Ever since birth, my mother has or has allowed abuse in every way. When I was two, she killed my dad in front of me; although I knew nothing of the sort but that's what his brothers and sisters told me when I first met them at 18.I then learned, at age five, one my cousins saw my mother push me off a couch while I was sleeping. I had dreams where I go asleep on a bed or couch and wake up on the floor with a bruise on my head or with a headache and they say dreams link from past or future or even present.At age eight, I was molested by my 58-year-old babysitter. He didn't have a dick; it was cut off in the war and he kept it. He was my babysitter for a year and never tried anything. But he hurt me so bad I can't have kids till this day. I lived in a small ass town where not even before you busted your nut that they knew who you were doing. Everyone was against me, even after they knew about the medical evidence and his child came up in court to say he did the same thing to her. Anyway, she acted as though she was the perfect mother. I later found out she told everyone that I was making it up. I became anorexic and bulimic, weighing 90 lbs. in the 3rd grade, my mother made me feel fat. I was her personal slave and a punching bag. She knew what to say and how to push things.
Before even entering adolescent years, I had low self esteem; so low that I wanted to die. I almost tore my esophagus up. I was anorexic/bulimic up to 7th grade, my hair fallen out was too evidential and I later became a self mutilator. At 17, I was raped; only I didn't know I was raped. Always thought rape was when you said no and someone pressed it anyways, but I later found out when I was diagnosed with PTSD that you can get raped mentally as well. From 6th grade up to 10th grade practically every birthday from 16-19, I was in and out of hospitals every year, self mutilating, drinking oven cleaner, pills on top of pills; pretty much everything but each time I woke up by the grace of God.
I divorced my mother at age 18 and moved in with my old babysitter; he was alright at first but then he turned into my mother after a triple bypass surgery; mentally abusing me, leaving me in fear and thinking I'm only good when working fast food, shoveling shit, or laying my legs down for the rest of my life that would all I be. So at age 19, I left home and went to church one night and never came back. With only the clothes I had on and a few items like pictures and id, I stayed with a few friends, then later lived in a shelter for a few months till I got introduced into job corps back in Kentucky, where I later transferred to TCU in DC.
Thought things were going good and my past was left behind, but like my life when things get good, something or someone comes along and brings the storm. My mother found out what school I was in and called; luckily my RA heard the shit she said, saying she killed my dad because she loved me and he was trying to kill me when it was vice versa and crap and told her to leave me be. If that wasn't bad enough I kept getting sexually assaulted at school. One guy would touch me in a certain way, one made me give head to him in the theatre. My 21st b-day, feb 11th, I got raped by one of my other so called friends, then raped again by another so called friend in March of last year, then again in March 2008 but no one knows about the March of this year, which is funny. I was molested in March 96.Sex just isn't for me. Could you please give me advice? I'm afraid my mother and all of my so called friends have made me not desire sex.
Signed,
In Dire Need of Help
Dear In Dire Need of Help,
I do not even know where to begin. I read your email over and over again and you are a strong young lady and I will keep you in my prayers. It does not take a rocket scientist to realize that all of the molestation that you have endured in your past has caused you to feel uncomfortable and turned off when it comes to sex. All of your offenders need to be up underneath a jail and not out walking around free.
Your mother is nothing short of disgusting. I get angry when I think about any woman who could mistreat any child, rather less her own. I am going to assume that she somehow got away with killing your father and it may or may not have been for a legitimate reason but her treatment of you should have landed her behind bars. For her to say that you were lying about the babysitter abusing you shows that she is not mentally stable.
As for your babysitter, if I understand you correctly, you later went and moved in with him? Many victims grow attached to their abusers and if that was the case with you, then I am truly sorry. You need help and not the kind that I can give you via email. If you email me privately at endeavors@aol.com, I will try to find you some real help to cope with your situation but you have to be willing to accept it and open up about what has happened.
Please do not hurt yourself anymore, either by drinking oven cleaner or self-mutilation. That is not going to solve anything and the world needs you. You have been through so much and survived and that means that you are here for a reason. Let's find out what that is.
Blessings,
Zane
First off, let me say I love your books. I love to read adult romance books. It seems the only thing that gets me excited besides porn. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, sex isn't for me, I don't think. What I'm about to tell you only three others know but I need some help. I want to feel like a woman, like you speak about in your latest book, where your fans wrote letters and you wrote back and I haven't found a situation like mine. I thank God no one else had to go through what I did but you give great advice and I terribly need it.
I'm 22 years old, an Aquarius, and I love to write poetry (if you read some of my blogs you will see). I'm a country girl through and through and I love caramel and chocolate men and women. I'm bi-curious; more comfortable around men when discussing personal things, and I love to watch porn and sports. My dad was murdered by my mother when I was just two years of age, and I was isolated from my dad's family(my brother and sister; both half), aunts, uncles, and cousins.Ever since birth, my mother has or has allowed abuse in every way. When I was two, she killed my dad in front of me; although I knew nothing of the sort but that's what his brothers and sisters told me when I first met them at 18.I then learned, at age five, one my cousins saw my mother push me off a couch while I was sleeping. I had dreams where I go asleep on a bed or couch and wake up on the floor with a bruise on my head or with a headache and they say dreams link from past or future or even present.At age eight, I was molested by my 58-year-old babysitter. He didn't have a dick; it was cut off in the war and he kept it. He was my babysitter for a year and never tried anything. But he hurt me so bad I can't have kids till this day. I lived in a small ass town where not even before you busted your nut that they knew who you were doing. Everyone was against me, even after they knew about the medical evidence and his child came up in court to say he did the same thing to her. Anyway, she acted as though she was the perfect mother. I later found out she told everyone that I was making it up. I became anorexic and bulimic, weighing 90 lbs. in the 3rd grade, my mother made me feel fat. I was her personal slave and a punching bag. She knew what to say and how to push things.
Before even entering adolescent years, I had low self esteem; so low that I wanted to die. I almost tore my esophagus up. I was anorexic/bulimic up to 7th grade, my hair fallen out was too evidential and I later became a self mutilator. At 17, I was raped; only I didn't know I was raped. Always thought rape was when you said no and someone pressed it anyways, but I later found out when I was diagnosed with PTSD that you can get raped mentally as well. From 6th grade up to 10th grade practically every birthday from 16-19, I was in and out of hospitals every year, self mutilating, drinking oven cleaner, pills on top of pills; pretty much everything but each time I woke up by the grace of God.
I divorced my mother at age 18 and moved in with my old babysitter; he was alright at first but then he turned into my mother after a triple bypass surgery; mentally abusing me, leaving me in fear and thinking I'm only good when working fast food, shoveling shit, or laying my legs down for the rest of my life that would all I be. So at age 19, I left home and went to church one night and never came back. With only the clothes I had on and a few items like pictures and id, I stayed with a few friends, then later lived in a shelter for a few months till I got introduced into job corps back in Kentucky, where I later transferred to TCU in DC.
Thought things were going good and my past was left behind, but like my life when things get good, something or someone comes along and brings the storm. My mother found out what school I was in and called; luckily my RA heard the shit she said, saying she killed my dad because she loved me and he was trying to kill me when it was vice versa and crap and told her to leave me be. If that wasn't bad enough I kept getting sexually assaulted at school. One guy would touch me in a certain way, one made me give head to him in the theatre. My 21st b-day, feb 11th, I got raped by one of my other so called friends, then raped again by another so called friend in March of last year, then again in March 2008 but no one knows about the March of this year, which is funny. I was molested in March 96.Sex just isn't for me. Could you please give me advice? I'm afraid my mother and all of my so called friends have made me not desire sex.
Signed,
In Dire Need of Help
Dear In Dire Need of Help,
I do not even know where to begin. I read your email over and over again and you are a strong young lady and I will keep you in my prayers. It does not take a rocket scientist to realize that all of the molestation that you have endured in your past has caused you to feel uncomfortable and turned off when it comes to sex. All of your offenders need to be up underneath a jail and not out walking around free.
Your mother is nothing short of disgusting. I get angry when I think about any woman who could mistreat any child, rather less her own. I am going to assume that she somehow got away with killing your father and it may or may not have been for a legitimate reason but her treatment of you should have landed her behind bars. For her to say that you were lying about the babysitter abusing you shows that she is not mentally stable.
As for your babysitter, if I understand you correctly, you later went and moved in with him? Many victims grow attached to their abusers and if that was the case with you, then I am truly sorry. You need help and not the kind that I can give you via email. If you email me privately at endeavors@aol.com, I will try to find you some real help to cope with your situation but you have to be willing to accept it and open up about what has happened.
Please do not hurt yourself anymore, either by drinking oven cleaner or self-mutilation. That is not going to solve anything and the world needs you. You have been through so much and survived and that means that you are here for a reason. Let's find out what that is.
Blessings,
Zane
Conflicted In Love
Dear Zane,
I was with this guy for a little over two years. He cheated on me, then shortly after we both found out I was pregnant. I couldn't let go of the pain of him cheating and always threw it in his face that he hurt me. We broke up not too long after that (I was still pregnant). He remained in my life and still went to doctor's appointments and was there when I gave birth as well; not to mention he is still around on the daily. We go shopping for our child together and just hang out. Until I started dating this new guy, we would go out to movies and dinner as well.
I started dating my new guy about a year after me and my ex broke up and he is so sweet to me and my child. And I feel myself falling for him but I'm scared. Part of me still feels love for my ex but I don't know if I should go back to that chapter in my life. (Would it still be considered the same chapter if he says he's learned from his mistakes?) Should I continue seeing this new guy? I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to lose such a good guy either. What do I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Conflicted in Love,
You are trying to have your cake and eat it too and that is not fair. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were Door A, B, or C for a man with other women behind the other two doors.
Either you need to leave your ex as an ex, or try again, and only you can make that determination. It is definitely a new chapter because you have been in a relationship with someone else. That will have some sort of effect on dealing with your ex. You need to think long and hard about what happened before and whether or not, despite his talk, that you believe he has changed. People rarely change their habits and beliefs but it is possible. There are some men who do learn their lesson when they lose someone and vow to never make the same mistakes. However, that is rare. He might lure you away from a good man and then revert back to his old ways, as soon as he knows the coast is clear.
Unless your new man has done something to hurt you, I would continue to give him a shot. But you have to make a choice and you need to do it immediately before you lose both of them for good.
Blessings,
Zane
I was with this guy for a little over two years. He cheated on me, then shortly after we both found out I was pregnant. I couldn't let go of the pain of him cheating and always threw it in his face that he hurt me. We broke up not too long after that (I was still pregnant). He remained in my life and still went to doctor's appointments and was there when I gave birth as well; not to mention he is still around on the daily. We go shopping for our child together and just hang out. Until I started dating this new guy, we would go out to movies and dinner as well.
I started dating my new guy about a year after me and my ex broke up and he is so sweet to me and my child. And I feel myself falling for him but I'm scared. Part of me still feels love for my ex but I don't know if I should go back to that chapter in my life. (Would it still be considered the same chapter if he says he's learned from his mistakes?) Should I continue seeing this new guy? I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to lose such a good guy either. What do I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Conflicted in Love,
You are trying to have your cake and eat it too and that is not fair. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were Door A, B, or C for a man with other women behind the other two doors.
Either you need to leave your ex as an ex, or try again, and only you can make that determination. It is definitely a new chapter because you have been in a relationship with someone else. That will have some sort of effect on dealing with your ex. You need to think long and hard about what happened before and whether or not, despite his talk, that you believe he has changed. People rarely change their habits and beliefs but it is possible. There are some men who do learn their lesson when they lose someone and vow to never make the same mistakes. However, that is rare. He might lure you away from a good man and then revert back to his old ways, as soon as he knows the coast is clear.
Unless your new man has done something to hurt you, I would continue to give him a shot. But you have to make a choice and you need to do it immediately before you lose both of them for good.
Blessings,
Zane
Vagina Farts
Dear Zane,
I am 17 yrs old and not a virgin. I'm a bit shy about what I'm about to ask you so if you think I'm rambling I am truly sorry. When having sex I noticed that when my boyfriend is pulling out of my vagina it makes a noise that sounds as if it farted. I become so embarrassed I feel as if I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear. My boyfriend doesn't seem to notice, and if he does he acts like nothing happened. I just wanted to know if that was normal and if you can explain why it happens. I know you are not a doctor but your books are so sexual, I know you must know a lot about sex and understand the bodies of both the male and female beings.
Signed,
Noisy
Dear Noisy,
Air can get pushed into the vaginal cavity during rough or fast sex. It is then expelled, creating a farting noise. That is perfectly normal and no cause for concern. You should not be embarrassed because you are not farting from your ass and it is not a fart at all. It is simply part of the suction process involved with sex and unless a man is filling up a woman completely, then when he goes in and out, noise will occur.
Blessings,
Zane
I am 17 yrs old and not a virgin. I'm a bit shy about what I'm about to ask you so if you think I'm rambling I am truly sorry. When having sex I noticed that when my boyfriend is pulling out of my vagina it makes a noise that sounds as if it farted. I become so embarrassed I feel as if I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear. My boyfriend doesn't seem to notice, and if he does he acts like nothing happened. I just wanted to know if that was normal and if you can explain why it happens. I know you are not a doctor but your books are so sexual, I know you must know a lot about sex and understand the bodies of both the male and female beings.
Signed,
Noisy
Dear Noisy,
Air can get pushed into the vaginal cavity during rough or fast sex. It is then expelled, creating a farting noise. That is perfectly normal and no cause for concern. You should not be embarrassed because you are not farting from your ass and it is not a fart at all. It is simply part of the suction process involved with sex and unless a man is filling up a woman completely, then when he goes in and out, noise will occur.
Blessings,
Zane
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Zane,
I recently started reading your blog and I see that you help misguided men and women in their relationships, so I have a situation to discuss with you......I am 23 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. I love him to death and I think he is the man that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is our sex life. He is a little on the "small" side, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled after we have sex. Now don't get me wrong, in the right position, I make it do what it do....but I don't want to have to do that the rest of my life. Am I wrong for letting sex determine if I should marry a man or not?
Signed,
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Lifelong Love or Lust,
Only you can decide the degree of importance sex has in your life. He is not going to suddenly grow a bigger dick and you already know how to make it work and what to expect. No miracles are going to occur. After three years, there must be a lot more to him, for you to be contemplating marriage. Women throughout the ages (and men) have had to make some sacrifices in the name of love. If he respects you, cares for you, and loves you, those three things put you ahead of the game. The grass is rarely greener on the other side; it is usually dirt.
I do not want you to think that I take your question lightly. I realize that your concern is genuine or you would not have reached out to me. But I can only advise you from afar. You are the one living your life and there is still time to consider your options. Unless he is pressing you into marriage, and I did not hear anything about a proposal, then go with the flow and see where your heart leads you.
Blessings,
Zane
I recently started reading your blog and I see that you help misguided men and women in their relationships, so I have a situation to discuss with you......I am 23 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. I love him to death and I think he is the man that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is our sex life. He is a little on the "small" side, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled after we have sex. Now don't get me wrong, in the right position, I make it do what it do....but I don't want to have to do that the rest of my life. Am I wrong for letting sex determine if I should marry a man or not?
Signed,
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Lifelong Love or Lust,
Only you can decide the degree of importance sex has in your life. He is not going to suddenly grow a bigger dick and you already know how to make it work and what to expect. No miracles are going to occur. After three years, there must be a lot more to him, for you to be contemplating marriage. Women throughout the ages (and men) have had to make some sacrifices in the name of love. If he respects you, cares for you, and loves you, those three things put you ahead of the game. The grass is rarely greener on the other side; it is usually dirt.
I do not want you to think that I take your question lightly. I realize that your concern is genuine or you would not have reached out to me. But I can only advise you from afar. You are the one living your life and there is still time to consider your options. Unless he is pressing you into marriage, and I did not hear anything about a proposal, then go with the flow and see where your heart leads you.
Blessings,
Zane
Am I Ready?
Dear Zane,
I married at 19 and within the first year, found myself unhappy and ready to call it quits. By year 2, I had cheated and turned right around and told my husband. I think this was my way out but I was a coward about it. I stayed and fell into the "Good Wife" role, ignoring the fact that I was unhappy because I thought guilt outweighed unhappiness. By year 4, I had cheated again and vowed never to tell my husband, never to do it again and if I did...it wouldn't be cheating because I would be a single woman. I obviously didn't want to be here. He found out about a year later. In year 5 we had a baby (I had gotten back into "Guilty Good Wife" routine).
By year 6, I had had enough of trying and by year 7, we were divorced. This relationship was mentally draining and I had built up some emotional walls to help me stay in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I am afraid emotionally and physically, I will take these problems into my next relationship. Since I have been a single woman (Since Feb 08), I have gotten to do a lot of the things I didn't allow myself to do because I was married so young. I have found them to be fun but not fulfilling. I have also found that when trying to be in a new relationship, I cheat. I have found myself juggling 3 guys at a time.
This guy I am with now, he was my friend first and heard the stories about the other guys. We were finally intimate after 8 months of friendship. It was great but soon after, I fell into old habits. The first month we were together, I cheated twice. The problem could be that I never considered myself his girlfriend. I have been faithful for months two and three but find myself asking the question why...I do not want to be anyone's wife right now but I also do not want several partners. I would like one guy but I do not want to feel caged in. So far, in this new relationship, he has found naughty text messages between me and a guy I was with before him and I lied about something small and told him right away.
What is wrong with me? Maybe I just do not want to be in a relationship or maybe he just is not the one. I am thinking that when the one comes I will know but I hope that when the one comes, I am not too busy looking behind him trying to figure if he is the one to notice. Or maybe I am not ready so soon after my divorce to date. I just don't know how to work on the issues in my backpack from my marriage. Zane, what do you think?
Signed,
Am I Ready
Dear Am I Ready,
I believe that you need to take time to heal after your divorce. Even though you were the one constantly cheating, your ex-husband was a part of your life for a long time. As far as you sleeping with all of these men, it almost seems like some sort of defense mechanism, even during your marriage. It is almost as if you feel, deep down inside, that as long as you are not totally committed to one man, you somehow have the upper hand in a relationship.
I am not suggesting that it is against the rules for a single woman to date several men and exercise her options. The problem with you is that you want to be in a relationship but still roam. This is a reversal of the way a lot of men think. Men will be dating more than one woman at a time but lead each one to believe they are the only one. That way, they believe that all the women will be monogamous with them, even though they are fucking around. They cannot deal with the thought of their women bedding other men. Your plight seems similar. You want a man to be with only you but you want to have a sense of freedom and the ability to step out, if you want. You say that you do not want to sleep with various men and you also do not want to feel caged in. You have no idea what you really want and there is no rush. Take your time. You have not even been single a year.
As for your current man, you two may be better off remaining friends. Tell him that even though you have been intimate for three months, in all fairness, you are not ready to make a commitment and you do not want to ruin your friendship. Otherwise you are stirring up a recipe for disaster.
Blessings,
Zane
I married at 19 and within the first year, found myself unhappy and ready to call it quits. By year 2, I had cheated and turned right around and told my husband. I think this was my way out but I was a coward about it. I stayed and fell into the "Good Wife" role, ignoring the fact that I was unhappy because I thought guilt outweighed unhappiness. By year 4, I had cheated again and vowed never to tell my husband, never to do it again and if I did...it wouldn't be cheating because I would be a single woman. I obviously didn't want to be here. He found out about a year later. In year 5 we had a baby (I had gotten back into "Guilty Good Wife" routine).
By year 6, I had had enough of trying and by year 7, we were divorced. This relationship was mentally draining and I had built up some emotional walls to help me stay in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I am afraid emotionally and physically, I will take these problems into my next relationship. Since I have been a single woman (Since Feb 08), I have gotten to do a lot of the things I didn't allow myself to do because I was married so young. I have found them to be fun but not fulfilling. I have also found that when trying to be in a new relationship, I cheat. I have found myself juggling 3 guys at a time.
This guy I am with now, he was my friend first and heard the stories about the other guys. We were finally intimate after 8 months of friendship. It was great but soon after, I fell into old habits. The first month we were together, I cheated twice. The problem could be that I never considered myself his girlfriend. I have been faithful for months two and three but find myself asking the question why...I do not want to be anyone's wife right now but I also do not want several partners. I would like one guy but I do not want to feel caged in. So far, in this new relationship, he has found naughty text messages between me and a guy I was with before him and I lied about something small and told him right away.
What is wrong with me? Maybe I just do not want to be in a relationship or maybe he just is not the one. I am thinking that when the one comes I will know but I hope that when the one comes, I am not too busy looking behind him trying to figure if he is the one to notice. Or maybe I am not ready so soon after my divorce to date. I just don't know how to work on the issues in my backpack from my marriage. Zane, what do you think?
Signed,
Am I Ready
Dear Am I Ready,
I believe that you need to take time to heal after your divorce. Even though you were the one constantly cheating, your ex-husband was a part of your life for a long time. As far as you sleeping with all of these men, it almost seems like some sort of defense mechanism, even during your marriage. It is almost as if you feel, deep down inside, that as long as you are not totally committed to one man, you somehow have the upper hand in a relationship.
I am not suggesting that it is against the rules for a single woman to date several men and exercise her options. The problem with you is that you want to be in a relationship but still roam. This is a reversal of the way a lot of men think. Men will be dating more than one woman at a time but lead each one to believe they are the only one. That way, they believe that all the women will be monogamous with them, even though they are fucking around. They cannot deal with the thought of their women bedding other men. Your plight seems similar. You want a man to be with only you but you want to have a sense of freedom and the ability to step out, if you want. You say that you do not want to sleep with various men and you also do not want to feel caged in. You have no idea what you really want and there is no rush. Take your time. You have not even been single a year.
As for your current man, you two may be better off remaining friends. Tell him that even though you have been intimate for three months, in all fairness, you are not ready to make a commitment and you do not want to ruin your friendship. Otherwise you are stirring up a recipe for disaster.
Blessings,
Zane
Am I A Lesbian Or Not?
Dear Zane,
I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I have been reading your books since September of last year. My mother is the reason that I discovered your books in the first place. She had "Skyscraper" on her dresser, I picked it up and the rest is history.
I have been a sensual and sexual girl ever since I can remember. I am fascinated with sex, sexual relations and such. I was sexually molested when I was thirteen and it ended when I was sixteen. I do not have any trauma related to that; it only increased my sexual awareness. So have your books.
I think that your books have helped me in a huge way to direct me in the right path. I thank you very much for that. Once, I was ashamed of my knowledge and now, I am not. I am coming into my own, which leads me to this: I have just read "Purple Panties" and "Honey Flava", and what was very interesting...I was getting hotter to "Purple Panties" more than I was to "Honey Flava." I would masturbate to "Purple Panties" more, and I was touched (emotionally) by "Purple Panties" more. I am straight....or at least I thought I was. Do you think that I am bi-sexual? I came to you b/c I can't discuss this with my mother. She is constantly asking if I am Gay and I say I am not, and she also hates it if I defend Gay People, we get in the most awful arguments. Zane, I am confused and I just want to know what you think about my situation b/c I will be going out into the big world very soon, and I would like this to have more clarity than what it is now. Thank you so much, Zane
Signed,
Seeking Guidance
Dear Seeking Guidance,
"Purple Panties" is a hot and imaginative book, period, no matter what a person's sexual orientation is. However, it is possible that you are bisexual. Since you have not acted upon it though, that remains to be seen. You are still young and exploring and discovering yourself. That is perfectly normal and I would not be concerned…about that.
I am concerned about your sexual molestation for three years and while you say that you have not suffered any trauma from it, I would suggest that you do talk to someone about it. You are young and something like that can have lifelong ramifications when it comes to sexual understanding and freedom. I would hate to see you, several years down the road, trying to cope with the past because you attempted to play so nonchalant about it now. If your molester was female, that could have something to do with you being bi-curious. My assumption is that your molester was male though. That also could be the reason why you are more turned on by the thought of being with females or rather, the thought of not being with men.
Your mother has her hang-ups about gays and you have to live with it. Everyone is a culmination of everything they have ever been taught or experienced. Even though homosexuality is more much accepted in today's society than the past, it will never be embraced by everyone. That is simply not going to happen.
Take care of you and seriously consider talking to someone about what happened, even if it is a guidance counselor at school.
Blessings,
Zane
I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I have been reading your books since September of last year. My mother is the reason that I discovered your books in the first place. She had "Skyscraper" on her dresser, I picked it up and the rest is history.
I have been a sensual and sexual girl ever since I can remember. I am fascinated with sex, sexual relations and such. I was sexually molested when I was thirteen and it ended when I was sixteen. I do not have any trauma related to that; it only increased my sexual awareness. So have your books.
I think that your books have helped me in a huge way to direct me in the right path. I thank you very much for that. Once, I was ashamed of my knowledge and now, I am not. I am coming into my own, which leads me to this: I have just read "Purple Panties" and "Honey Flava", and what was very interesting...I was getting hotter to "Purple Panties" more than I was to "Honey Flava." I would masturbate to "Purple Panties" more, and I was touched (emotionally) by "Purple Panties" more. I am straight....or at least I thought I was. Do you think that I am bi-sexual? I came to you b/c I can't discuss this with my mother. She is constantly asking if I am Gay and I say I am not, and she also hates it if I defend Gay People, we get in the most awful arguments. Zane, I am confused and I just want to know what you think about my situation b/c I will be going out into the big world very soon, and I would like this to have more clarity than what it is now. Thank you so much, Zane
Signed,
Seeking Guidance
Dear Seeking Guidance,
"Purple Panties" is a hot and imaginative book, period, no matter what a person's sexual orientation is. However, it is possible that you are bisexual. Since you have not acted upon it though, that remains to be seen. You are still young and exploring and discovering yourself. That is perfectly normal and I would not be concerned…about that.
I am concerned about your sexual molestation for three years and while you say that you have not suffered any trauma from it, I would suggest that you do talk to someone about it. You are young and something like that can have lifelong ramifications when it comes to sexual understanding and freedom. I would hate to see you, several years down the road, trying to cope with the past because you attempted to play so nonchalant about it now. If your molester was female, that could have something to do with you being bi-curious. My assumption is that your molester was male though. That also could be the reason why you are more turned on by the thought of being with females or rather, the thought of not being with men.
Your mother has her hang-ups about gays and you have to live with it. Everyone is a culmination of everything they have ever been taught or experienced. Even though homosexuality is more much accepted in today's society than the past, it will never be embraced by everyone. That is simply not going to happen.
Take care of you and seriously consider talking to someone about what happened, even if it is a guidance counselor at school.
Blessings,
Zane
Running Back to Mr. Wrong
Dear Zane,
Let me first say that I love reading your novels. They make me feel like I am right there in the situations. On a more personal level, I need your advice. I am a 22-year-old single mother who just moved from Virginia to Washington State to get away from all the drama. I feel that I am doing really well in my life and I do not hate being single. It seems like I attract nothing but pure assholes. When I am with someone, I put my all into them, wanting the best for them and being completely supportive. I do not do all the drama stuff because I left that alone when I was in high school.
What makes matter worse is that as soon as I have a falling out with a guy I go straight back to my baby's daddy, who has stated on several different occasions that he does not want to be with me. I know that he truly loves me. I am so confused. At this point, I feel like I am going to be single forever. I know that the right person is out there for me but I am so afraid to open up again; they all end up disappointing me. At the same time I have always given every guy a fair chance because I do not want to put my past on them. So how do I know when I have met my match, or am I destined to be alone?
Signed,
One Lonely Woman
Dear One Lonely Woman,
Your major issue is this constant running back to the father of your child, who tells you that he does not want you. Yet, you claim that he loves you. He might very well love you and feel a bond toward you but there are a lot of people who love one another but cannot be in a healthy relationship due to other factors. Trust me, I know from personal experience. There are men who I know for a fact are in love with me but I could never be with them again. One run at a toxic relationship is enough. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only thing you need to share with him is parenting it will be difficult to establish ties with someone else.
You say that as soon as there is trouble with a new man, you run back to him, as if he is some ultimate prize and you are comparing every other man to the one who got away. You have to stop that behavior because, despite what you say, you are not giving new men a fair chance.
You are only twenty-two and forever is a long time. There is no reason to assume that you will be alone forever. You moved to get a fresh start so make a fresh start, minus still relying on your ex for anything other than caring for his child.
Blessings,
Zane
Let me first say that I love reading your novels. They make me feel like I am right there in the situations. On a more personal level, I need your advice. I am a 22-year-old single mother who just moved from Virginia to Washington State to get away from all the drama. I feel that I am doing really well in my life and I do not hate being single. It seems like I attract nothing but pure assholes. When I am with someone, I put my all into them, wanting the best for them and being completely supportive. I do not do all the drama stuff because I left that alone when I was in high school.
What makes matter worse is that as soon as I have a falling out with a guy I go straight back to my baby's daddy, who has stated on several different occasions that he does not want to be with me. I know that he truly loves me. I am so confused. At this point, I feel like I am going to be single forever. I know that the right person is out there for me but I am so afraid to open up again; they all end up disappointing me. At the same time I have always given every guy a fair chance because I do not want to put my past on them. So how do I know when I have met my match, or am I destined to be alone?
Signed,
One Lonely Woman
Dear One Lonely Woman,
Your major issue is this constant running back to the father of your child, who tells you that he does not want you. Yet, you claim that he loves you. He might very well love you and feel a bond toward you but there are a lot of people who love one another but cannot be in a healthy relationship due to other factors. Trust me, I know from personal experience. There are men who I know for a fact are in love with me but I could never be with them again. One run at a toxic relationship is enough. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only thing you need to share with him is parenting it will be difficult to establish ties with someone else.
You say that as soon as there is trouble with a new man, you run back to him, as if he is some ultimate prize and you are comparing every other man to the one who got away. You have to stop that behavior because, despite what you say, you are not giving new men a fair chance.
You are only twenty-two and forever is a long time. There is no reason to assume that you will be alone forever. You moved to get a fresh start so make a fresh start, minus still relying on your ex for anything other than caring for his child.
Blessings,
Zane
Should Stella Get Her Groove Back?
Dear Zane,
My situation could really be a future book. I do not believe that I have lost my groove but could this be? I am going to make this short and sweet but I can give more details.
I am a 28-year-old urban professional, living and attending graduate school in Washington. DC. I have been "talking" to one of my former high school interns. I work with students and this young man interned in my office during spring break and in the summer. I was in denial about our chemistry until last week. I always thought he was a cutie, but I think that about young people who I predict will grow up to be attractive men and women. But I have NEVER been attracted to a young person that I work with until now. The young man is a highly decorated scholar, finishing second in his class. He has concrete plans to become an engineer and attend an Ivy league university for graduate school. I am most attracted to his intelligence and drive to become successful, but his maturity is quite appealing.
We are considering becoming intimate and considering dating. Do you think I am crazy? Can this really work?
Signed,
Stella
Dear Stella,
It is interesting because I had a conversation regarding this on a radio show earlier this week. To me, the age difference in dating becomes less significant with age. For you to be twenty-eight and contemplating dating an eighteen year old, no matter how matter he may appear, seems inappropriate to me. Chances are that it will be a short-lived experience because he is a man-child whose dick is going to point him in all kinds of directions, especially when he is in school with a bunch of young, horny coeds. I can see why he would welcome the experience with you though. What young man would not?
On your side, while I can understand your admiring his determination and intelligence, dating and having sex with him should not be on your radar. If you want to run the risk of a simple fuck, make sure you check his I.D. because they will lock you up, especially since you met him in a professional capacity. That in itself makes the situation too risky. You were entrusted with this young man at a school and to start getting busy with him now sets you up for all sorts of drama and possible legal action.
If I were you, I would leave well enough alone and wish him well in his educational endeavors.
Blessings,
Zane
My situation could really be a future book. I do not believe that I have lost my groove but could this be? I am going to make this short and sweet but I can give more details.
I am a 28-year-old urban professional, living and attending graduate school in Washington. DC. I have been "talking" to one of my former high school interns. I work with students and this young man interned in my office during spring break and in the summer. I was in denial about our chemistry until last week. I always thought he was a cutie, but I think that about young people who I predict will grow up to be attractive men and women. But I have NEVER been attracted to a young person that I work with until now. The young man is a highly decorated scholar, finishing second in his class. He has concrete plans to become an engineer and attend an Ivy league university for graduate school. I am most attracted to his intelligence and drive to become successful, but his maturity is quite appealing.
We are considering becoming intimate and considering dating. Do you think I am crazy? Can this really work?
Signed,
Stella
Dear Stella,
It is interesting because I had a conversation regarding this on a radio show earlier this week. To me, the age difference in dating becomes less significant with age. For you to be twenty-eight and contemplating dating an eighteen year old, no matter how matter he may appear, seems inappropriate to me. Chances are that it will be a short-lived experience because he is a man-child whose dick is going to point him in all kinds of directions, especially when he is in school with a bunch of young, horny coeds. I can see why he would welcome the experience with you though. What young man would not?
On your side, while I can understand your admiring his determination and intelligence, dating and having sex with him should not be on your radar. If you want to run the risk of a simple fuck, make sure you check his I.D. because they will lock you up, especially since you met him in a professional capacity. That in itself makes the situation too risky. You were entrusted with this young man at a school and to start getting busy with him now sets you up for all sorts of drama and possible legal action.
If I were you, I would leave well enough alone and wish him well in his educational endeavors.
Blessings,
Zane
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear Zane,
I'm lonely, have always been a sensual person... But I'm addicted to that "special" connection. I look in his eyes and want to, but I've always needed something more, something deep and fun and real... above all. Should I just let loose and try it for once? Or, should I hold my ground and wait for him to show he wants more than a physical connection? Hell, even that he just wants a good solid friendship. I just don't want to feel for him, then feel used and tossed aside.
Signed,
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear I Want to Sleep With Him,
You have a common dilemma. You have a natural attraction to men but you do not feel comfortable with the thought of participating in casual sex. Not that you need love but you want to at least know that he cares. There are many women who go through life with the same philosophy. As you get older, that feeling will surely increase. What you should do is a lot of soul searching and decide if the lust you feel for this particular man outweighs waiting it out to see if something more intense can develop over time. But unless he has given you vibes that he wants a relationship, do not have any expectations of more than sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I'm lonely, have always been a sensual person... But I'm addicted to that "special" connection. I look in his eyes and want to, but I've always needed something more, something deep and fun and real... above all. Should I just let loose and try it for once? Or, should I hold my ground and wait for him to show he wants more than a physical connection? Hell, even that he just wants a good solid friendship. I just don't want to feel for him, then feel used and tossed aside.
Signed,
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear I Want to Sleep With Him,
You have a common dilemma. You have a natural attraction to men but you do not feel comfortable with the thought of participating in casual sex. Not that you need love but you want to at least know that he cares. There are many women who go through life with the same philosophy. As you get older, that feeling will surely increase. What you should do is a lot of soul searching and decide if the lust you feel for this particular man outweighs waiting it out to see if something more intense can develop over time. But unless he has given you vibes that he wants a relationship, do not have any expectations of more than sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I Don't Know
Dear Zane,
I need your advice. Usually I don’t let my heart get involved in relationships because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s just not for me. Over the summer, I met this girl and, long story short, I feel in love. At first, I didn’t take us seriously and had other females that I was talking to, but it was just talking. I wasn’t sexually involved with any of them. She found out and I think that was when she lost most of her trust in me.
Three months into our relationship, she went to Texas to visit her “best friend.” I didn’t really want her to go because I think her best friend was the reason she and her last girlfriend broke up. She asked me if I didn’t want her to go and I said it didn’t matter because I didn’t want it to seem like I was jealous. I mean, I kind of was jealous but not really. When she was out there, she went to comment on one of my pictures and saw that my ex had commented, saying all this stuff, acting like we were still together or messing around when we weren’t. After she read that, she cheated on me with her best friend. After all of that, we ended up breaking up.
But it confused the hell out of me because now she believes me but she has already moved to Texas with old girl. She’s telling me that she loves her but she is in love with me. Is that even possible? She wants to still be with me but she has to be with her because they live together. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a problem being the other chick because that’s just less relationship stuff that I have to deal with, but I cannot do it with her. I actually do love this girl. It hurts that someone else has her and I can’t. I want to let her go but it hurts, knowing that if I let her go, I won’t even have a piece of her in my life. What do I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Know
Dear I Don’t Know,
You really have limited options here. The woman that you love made a decision, on her own, to move to Texas to be with another woman. Until she makes another decision to move away from here, there is nothing for you to do. You can continue to talk to her, pine for her affection, knowing that it is not going to happen. You can sneak around with her when she comes back to visit and have an unfulfilling relationship. Or you can let the entire situation go and move on.
There is no difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, no matter how many people try to say otherwise. You should not be content with sharing women, even though that is your norm. I understand wanting to protect your heart but we all must put our hearts on the line to find the real thing. Also, no matter how much we want to say that we can refrain from developing feelings for someone, what is meant to be will be.
You and this young lady have some trust issues, based upon what you said. She jumped to conclusions and decided to cheat with her best friend, starting a butterfly effect that is now hard to reverse. If she really loves you like she says, only she can rectify things. It is possible to love someone and be in love with someone else. Since the other woman was her best friend, that makes sense because I love my best friends but I am not in love with them.
I do not even think you should wait this one out. Do not put your life on hold for another person; any person. She is living with someone. That leaves you ass out and you should not accept that.
Blessings,
Zane
I need your advice. Usually I don’t let my heart get involved in relationships because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s just not for me. Over the summer, I met this girl and, long story short, I feel in love. At first, I didn’t take us seriously and had other females that I was talking to, but it was just talking. I wasn’t sexually involved with any of them. She found out and I think that was when she lost most of her trust in me.
Three months into our relationship, she went to Texas to visit her “best friend.” I didn’t really want her to go because I think her best friend was the reason she and her last girlfriend broke up. She asked me if I didn’t want her to go and I said it didn’t matter because I didn’t want it to seem like I was jealous. I mean, I kind of was jealous but not really. When she was out there, she went to comment on one of my pictures and saw that my ex had commented, saying all this stuff, acting like we were still together or messing around when we weren’t. After she read that, she cheated on me with her best friend. After all of that, we ended up breaking up.
But it confused the hell out of me because now she believes me but she has already moved to Texas with old girl. She’s telling me that she loves her but she is in love with me. Is that even possible? She wants to still be with me but she has to be with her because they live together. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a problem being the other chick because that’s just less relationship stuff that I have to deal with, but I cannot do it with her. I actually do love this girl. It hurts that someone else has her and I can’t. I want to let her go but it hurts, knowing that if I let her go, I won’t even have a piece of her in my life. What do I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Know
Dear I Don’t Know,
You really have limited options here. The woman that you love made a decision, on her own, to move to Texas to be with another woman. Until she makes another decision to move away from here, there is nothing for you to do. You can continue to talk to her, pine for her affection, knowing that it is not going to happen. You can sneak around with her when she comes back to visit and have an unfulfilling relationship. Or you can let the entire situation go and move on.
There is no difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, no matter how many people try to say otherwise. You should not be content with sharing women, even though that is your norm. I understand wanting to protect your heart but we all must put our hearts on the line to find the real thing. Also, no matter how much we want to say that we can refrain from developing feelings for someone, what is meant to be will be.
You and this young lady have some trust issues, based upon what you said. She jumped to conclusions and decided to cheat with her best friend, starting a butterfly effect that is now hard to reverse. If she really loves you like she says, only she can rectify things. It is possible to love someone and be in love with someone else. Since the other woman was her best friend, that makes sense because I love my best friends but I am not in love with them.
I do not even think you should wait this one out. Do not put your life on hold for another person; any person. She is living with someone. That leaves you ass out and you should not accept that.
Blessings,
Zane
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