How Do You Leave The Past in the Past

Dear Zane,

I know it will probably take forever, but I have a question that I would like your opinion on and your subscribers’ opinions. Is it possible to ever REALLY trust your partner, or are we just so paranoid from past hurts that we're always looking for signs that the other shoe's about to fall? I have a great man, who works hard, and does right by me and my 3 kids (who are not his). He has always been completely honest with me since we met 5 years ago and were just friends. I have seen him in relationships with women and he was always 100% with them. Now we're in a relationship.

We don't live together (he does stay over sometimes) and we are committed to each other but taking things slow. Both of us have been hurt severely in our past, and there are a lot of walls still up between us, however we are trying to work through those together. My question comes in because I get insecure when he's away, my fears from past hurts come in and even though he will even call and check in with me to reassure me (because I have talked to him about my trust issues), I still have a hard time trusting him.

We have talked about moving in together, but I am worried that unless he is with me 24/7, my insecurities will ruin this and I` don't want that kind of relationship. I want it to be healthy and honest and the kind where we can be together and love each other without feeling like we have to be up under each other 24/7. I feel it is healthy to have your own life outside of your partner where you can go out with the guys without worrying that the other will wonder who and what you've been doing and vice versa.

Signed,
How do you leave the past in the past?

Dear How Do You Leave The Past in the Past,

You have a very common issue. The world is full of damaged people inflicting pain on other damaged people. Believe it or not, you have an advantage in your current situation. What I mean is that because you were friends for many years first, you had the opportunity to see how well he treated other women before you. That is almost like winning the lottery. Most of us only get to hear the man’s version of how he treated other women and not witness it ourselves or hear the previous woman’s outlook.

It is like this. I know you’re scared. I know you’re apprehensive. But give the man a chance. You are already in a relationship with him. He seems to be bending over backwards to reassure you that he loves you and is committed to you. By moving in together, the only thing that can happen-or should happen-is more comfort on your part. I get what you are saying. Right now, you are not laying in the bed at night waiting for the key to turn in the lock or peeping out windows on the lookout for his car lights. You fear that if you live together, your behavior will become obsessive when it comes to clocking his every movement.

You deserve to be happy but victory begins with you and you should find it within yourself to give yourself a chance at true love. Every man before him was not him. I encourage you to open up your heart and take a chance.

Blessings,
Zane