I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.
I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.
I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.
There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.
Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?