Tuesday, July 14, 2009

When You Want to Close An Open Relationship

Dear Zane,

I have come to you plenty of times before and right now, I do not know where to begin. I do not know if I should cry or be happy. I have told you once before about this guy that I have been in an “open relationship” with. I am not sure if it is even that. I am twenty and he is twenty-three. We have been “talking” or lovers, I do not know what to call us, but it has been going on for two years. I have met his family but the thing is that I am full of doubt and mixed emotions.

He has recently moved back to Memphis in June and I went to visit him a few days ago. He showed me how much he missed me and loved me in many ways than one; especially through sex. I am incredibly happy, yet sad at the same time. Since I returned, I barely hear from him when before we used to text and talk constantly. Deep inside, I am hurting. I am not sure if I am putting myself through this or what. He moved back to Memphis for business reasons. Should I still hold on and have faith in us, or is this just a phase? I do not want to lose him over my selfishness. He knows that I care and he knows how I feel. I want him to open up to me and for us to build a relationship based on a commitment. Why is it so hard for that to happen?

He claims that he does not want anyone else, but why are we still at the same stage from before? I have proven to him and have done so much for him over the years. Is it his male pride or ego? It is really eating me up inside. A girl that we have a threesome with wrote me online and told me that I am lucky and should hang in there because he has been holding onto me and putting other females last. What is really going on? I am just confused, in love, all of the above. I do not know if I should let go and move on, or just stick in there and see what happens next between us. When deep inside, I am holding onto love but it is driving me crazy to do so.

Confused and In Love

Dear Confused and In Love,

Your problem is that you are ready to change the parameters of an established relationship and he probably is not. Think about it. The entire time that you lived in the same city, your relationship was “open” and you were even engaging in threesomes with this man. Meaning that he wanted and needed other women, even though you were close by. Now that he has moved away, you cannot seriously expect him to now say that he is willing to cut all ties with other women and be exclusive with you. I am not saying that he does not love you, because he certainly might. I am not saying that when you visit him, he will not shower you with affection and attention and great sex. I am saying that if you are harboring the idea that hanging in there will someday mean that he will settle down with you, you are making a serious mistake. The fact that he is not calling or texting like he used to speaks volumes. People make time for what they want to make time for; it is as simple as that. He is not calling because he has other things or people occupying his time that have taken a front seat to you; despite what the other young lady told you. You need to remember the good times, ask him how he is doing whenever he does eventually call, and stop stressing over him. If you are now ready for true love, find someone in town and someone who is not looking for an “open relationship” but a commitment.



do pheromones work said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog it is really informative when it comes on a relationship it really hard to lose an open relationship but still it is your choice.


african woman said...

I do agree with you about your advice to confused and in love because if the guy who really cared for her will really take the risk just to clarify your true relationship. A guy like him don't deserve you. I know it hurts but you can still move on and find someone better.