Dear Zane,
OMG, I can't believe I'm actually writing you. I don't know if I have a problem or not; maybe it's more of a concern. I'm 19 years old, I'm still a virgin, and I will stay a virgin until I am married. As usual, sex is always on my brain, among other things, and I've also never been in a relationship. Well my concern is, the bible tells us that sex and marriage is sacred. I believe that to the bone, but, my concerns are; what are my chances of ever ending up with the man I've always dreamed of, and what do I do about my urges?
For years, these questions have been on my mind but I've never talked to anyone about them. I think a lot about my chances because, I read your books, I watch a lot of television, and I take other people’s experiences from real life and I question the quality of men that are out there. Men are either gay, taken, tired, players, confused, punks, wimps, etc. I know there is a diamond in the ruff out there for me but a future with a real man, I mean a real man...is looking kind of dim. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I know that I'm young and should just live life, and I do, but there has got to be some reason why I can't get my mind off of the matter. My mother and my grandmother just passed, I'm alone and I feel helpless. I know I should be taking this time to do some soul searching, but I've done all the searching I can do, and I feel like I'm out of it. HELP!!!
My other concern is the urges I've been having. I know it's normal to have them and even keep a toy to help contain myself but, sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Now from a young age, I've been pleasuring myself, but lately when I finish I feel plain desperate. I feel worse when I realize there is no one here to hold and comfort me. Then once again I feel helpless and even more alone. I live in a big house all by myself that my mother left to me and I have no one to share it with. These feelings have been bothering me for years, so I know it's not because I'm grieving. I just need someone to be my friend first and then maybe something more. I don't know maybe I'm tripping. What do you think???
Signed,
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Let me try to make sense out of things that make no sense. I understand how you feel about the bible and how you want to save yourself for marriage, so this really comes down to a choice, in regards to your sexuality. I am not implying that there are not young men out there who feel similar to you but you have to seek them out. Most will want to have sex at some point during a relationship. I also agree that there is a new breed of men on the horizon and many of them do have issues that disqualify them from the normal woman’s dating pool. You should not have to settle for less than you want.
You are in a grieving stage, whether you want to admit it or not. Losing your mother and your grandmother so close together had to be devastating to you. Those were your two nurturers and now you have a right to feel lonely. Not having a man seems more profound now that you are alone. Look into joining some local social groups. Look into single groups at church. I can understand your feelings of desperation, but do not allow them to consume. Do not sit up in your house at night, waiting on a man. I am not saying to go out and throw yourself on men but you are not going to meet anyone sitting at home.
Blessings,
Zane
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4 comments:
Dazed and Confused,
Please do not rush into things because you feel alone. Keep your standards because God has a plan for you. There is a guy out there that will abide by your standards of being a friend first, and who will wait until your married to have sexual relations. Whenever you feel alone or have those strong urges, seek GODS word and he will direct you on the right path. Remember your never alone with Jesus.
I am in the same predicament as yourself the only difference is that I recently turned 20 :P. I would love for the plan to work out as follows: Meet a man - befriend him (someone I find attractive), Start seeing him while refraining from anything sexual (I guess this is the part where we question our compatibility on numerous levels), Then we become boyfriend and girlfriend maybe for about a year or so (during this time you still exercise on abstinence), finally we get married and begin exploring our sexuality while limiting our inhibitions. The problem is darling nothing happens the way you plan it. Marriage is Sacred that much is true but you can still explore your sexuality without worrying about putting a ring on it. I masturbate regularly and I find new and creative ways of pleasing myself... I use to feel desperate and alone after the sin was committed but I got over it when I realised how better I have become at it. I know my body and I am comfortable with it. I was thinking... one of my biggest fears is sleeping with a man today and find that he is nowhere in sight the next day. I grew up having a pretty crappy relationship with my dad and so the thought of history repeating itself will devastate me. I say that because I want you to question why you really truly want to abstain from sex until marriage. Is it truly because of your religious values or is it because you are afraid of getting hurt like the friends and family around (trust me there is someone out there that had done to them that you do not want done to you). Sometimes it is wise to live vicariously through other people however the problem with that is that you stop living all together. One last thought not to be pessimistic about marriage but! Would you rather give up your virginity to a boyfriend that truly loved you... or a husband that cheated on you. I give you that scenario because sometimes people forget that marriage is not contractual armour that shields you from heartbreak, adultery, disappointment e.c.t. If you find a mate that loves you and I mean truly loves you and then one night things get heated I would say go with the flow... the only thing that makes him different from HUSBAND is a piece of paper.
THINK ABOUT IT...
FOA, thank god that you're still a virgin and have not experience a man and how they can be. I say pray to god and he may send you boaz( husaband from god). You need to get involved in church more and go to singles only night or some type of female group at church. I would say playin with your toy is only makin it worst because your desiring the real thing and you may end up settling only to find out it wasn't worth it.I will pray for you. Good luck in the mean time sis.
Be patient and God will bring you the man of your dreams. I'm a 24 year old virgin and I am blessed to be in a relationship with a guy who is willing to wait until mariage.
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