Full of Resentment Toward a Parent

Dear Zane,

I respect your advice and I hold your opinion highly. I am 22-year-old female, in college at an HBCU, and have a very good head on my shoulders. I have had a very good childhood, and my mother put me in the church at a very young age. Good morals and values are instilled in me. Here is the thing; I am a lesbian. My girlfriend is 27 and I love her dearly. She really treats me wonderfully, and I am happy with her. My father is pretty easygoing so I am not too worried about him. My mother is the Holy Roller. She is so heavenly bound that she is no earthly good.

I reside on campus and only come home to see my daughter. My parents keep her while I am in school. I visit during school vacations and in the summer. She has heard the rumors about my lesbianism and has even seen notes or overheard me talking on the phone to women. I believe that she is in a state of denial. If she sees something on television with two women, she will look at me and tell me that if I am living like that, I am going straight to hell. I will not be blessed. I am a sad, sorry, nasty ass person. I am disgusting, etc.

She also says that she will not allow me to raise my three-year-old daughter around that behavior. I will be a negative influence, and a bad role model for her. She also says that two women cannot raise kids and that we—myself, the kids, and my girlfriend—will not be successful and productive in society. She condemns me with every scripture in the Bible and is disgusted by the mere thought of two women being together. I could go on and on, Zane. I am not asking her to accept it or condone it. I am not asking her to be in my cheering section either. I do not bring it around her, nor do I discuss it with her. I treat my parents with the highest respect, and I would never disrespect them. I love them. I know that it will hurt her deeply if I decided to say fuck her feelings and do what I want to do, but I do not want to be her puppet.

I am the only child and my parents have run my life from the beginning. Everything that I have done has been for the happiness of my parents, but my mother is the forceful one. She is the one who wants things done her way, and you are going to do it or else. Zane, do I suck it up and get married to man, acquire the house, the car, the kids, and the dog with a white picket fence? I fear that, if I do, I will hold a lot of resentment toward her because I would not be happy. I am already feeling that way since she has run my life for the past twenty-two years. I want to do what I want. I take care of my daughter and I would not place her in a situation that I was not sure of. I want to be with my girlfriend, without the backlash of my mother. I feel as if she is hanging over my head and I have to constantly seek her blessing for anything, and for every decision that I make. She expects me to ask to her for approval, too. I love my mother, Zane. She is a really good mother who will do anything for me, and she only wants the best for me. I realize that, but I want to be able to live my life without being sentenced to death. Hell, every time we are in the same room, I do not want to do what she wants me to do. I do not want to find myself in my 50s, resenting my mother because of what I have done to please her.

How do I go about this? Do I go about this? I do not want her to speculate, guess, or assume about me any longer. I want her to know, for sure, from me. I cannot tell her from my lips. She accuses me of being a lesbian, but then she does not want to know. She did not raise a homosexual, according to her. It is damaging our strong mother-daughter relationship. Help!

Signed,
Full of Resentment

Dear Full of Resentment,

Yes, you should go about telling your mother the truth. She already knows; you simply need to confirm it. By no means should you marry a man and live a life full of pretenses. That would not be healthy for anyone involved, especially you. Your mother is in a state of denial but she will have to deal with it. You are her daughter—her only child—and as long as you are not engaging in criminal behavior (homosexuality is far from that, in this country) and more importantly, as long as you are happy, she should be happy for you. You cannot, and should not, force yourself to be someone that you are not.

Your parents have much to be proud of when it comes to you. You are a good mother, getting your education to better you life, and they have raised you right. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom should not matter. Sure, it will be an adjustment for your daughter but most states allow same-sex couples to adopt these days. Loving another woman does not make you a bad parent. It is important for our children to see us express love, so they know how to express it themselves when they get older. The same goes for hate. When they see it, they mimic it. That is why racism continues to exist. Children learn from their parents.

The fact that you resent your mother means that something has to be done. You cannot avoid the situation and you have to come back to see your child. She loves you or she would not be helping you to raise your daughter. Some grandparents do not want their grandkids to darken their doorstep, rather less live with them. That is truly a blessing, that they are willing to assist you with her care. Get this monkey off your back; life has enough other drama in store for you. Once your mother accepts it, and I believe that she will eventually when faced with the truth instead of speculation, she will still love you.

Blessings,
Zane