Marriage and Sex

Dear Zane,

Thank you for the books, manuals, television shows, etc. Your freedom and expression of sexuality for women is AWESOME! My wife is an avid reader of your books for entertainment and she loves the plots and storylines. I asked if the books turned her on, or make her want to open up sexually. She replied, “Not really,” but she enjoys the stories a lot. I asked if we could watch the show together; she loves it as well. We have determined that we have totally different sex drives. According to her and her friends, she is normal; I am on the extreme end.

We have passionate sex, MAYBE, once or twice weekly. The statistics say that the pace is normal for married couples in their late 30s, but I would like it more. My wife is sexy and beautiful; I express that to her as much as possible. I clean the kitchen every night; I bathe our young son, and prepare him for bed. I do everything that I can to share in the household duties. She shows me her appreciation often. We argue about the frequency of sex, not the quality, and it has become a sour subject for us to discuss. She believes that sex is on my brain too much; that I should accept and deal with what we have sexually. She claims that some of her friends only have sex, at best, once or twice a month. That works for them, but not for us. We have been together for twenty years and married for twelve. We have a “good” marriage, but I am sexually frustrated. I cannot express myself openly with my mate; I feel like something might be wrong with me. Should I seek counseling or therapy? Thank you in advance for your words. Please advise.

Signed,
Marriage and Sex

Dear Marriage and Sex,

I do not believe there is something wrong with you. People go through different stages in live, and so do their sex drives. You have been with her for twenty years and you are not even forty yet. I get the impression that the once or twice a week thing has not always been the case. If your son is still young enough to have to be bathed, then she may still be experiencing issues with postpartum depression. Trust me, I have been through that firsthand and it is no joke. There may be many contributing factors.

The good thing is that you are happy with the quality of sex but just want more of it. I guess that I am wondering what you do to initiate it and whether or not she flat out refuses you. I do not think you need to seek individual counseling but I do believe the two of you should go together. It is amazing, how people will take the advice of a stranger but not comprehend what is being said when the person closest to them in life says it to them. You seem like a great man. You said your marriage is “good” and that is wonderful. She may just be going through some things. Pressuring her for more sex might throw her into a defensive mode. Why not go more subtle and start doing things to her that you know she will not be able to resist. Sometimes fewer words and more action gets better results.

Blessings,
Zane