Dazed and Confused

Dear Zane,

OMG, I can't believe I'm actually writing you. I don't know if I have a problem or not; maybe it's more of a concern. I'm 19 years old, I'm still a virgin, and I will stay a virgin until I am married. As usual, sex is always on my brain, among other things, and I've also never been in a relationship. Well my concern is, the bible tells us that sex and marriage is sacred. I believe that to the bone, but, my concerns are; what are my chances of ever ending up with the man I've always dreamed of, and what do I do about my urges?

For years, these questions have been on my mind but I've never talked to anyone about them. I think a lot about my chances because, I read your books, I watch a lot of television, and I take other people’s experiences from real life and I question the quality of men that are out there. Men are either gay, taken, tired, players, confused, punks, wimps, etc. I know there is a diamond in the ruff out there for me but a future with a real man, I mean a real man...is looking kind of dim. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I know that I'm young and should just live life, and I do, but there has got to be some reason why I can't get my mind off of the matter. My mother and my grandmother just passed, I'm alone and I feel helpless. I know I should be taking this time to do some soul searching, but I've done all the searching I can do, and I feel like I'm out of it. HELP!!!

My other concern is the urges I've been having. I know it's normal to have them and even keep a toy to help contain myself but, sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Now from a young age, I've been pleasuring myself, but lately when I finish I feel plain desperate. I feel worse when I realize there is no one here to hold and comfort me. Then once again I feel helpless and even more alone. I live in a big house all by myself that my mother left to me and I have no one to share it with. These feelings have been bothering me for years, so I know it's not because I'm grieving. I just need someone to be my friend first and then maybe something more. I don't know maybe I'm tripping. What do you think???

Signed,
Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,

Let me try to make sense out of things that make no sense. I understand how you feel about the bible and how you want to save yourself for marriage, so this really comes down to a choice, in regards to your sexuality. I am not implying that there are not young men out there who feel similar to you but you have to seek them out. Most will want to have sex at some point during a relationship. I also agree that there is a new breed of men on the horizon and many of them do have issues that disqualify them from the normal woman’s dating pool. You should not have to settle for less than you want.

You are in a grieving stage, whether you want to admit it or not. Losing your mother and your grandmother so close together had to be devastating to you. Those were your two nurturers and now you have a right to feel lonely. Not having a man seems more profound now that you are alone. Look into joining some local social groups. Look into single groups at church. I can understand your feelings of desperation, but do not allow them to consume. Do not sit up in your house at night, waiting on a man. I am not saying to go out and throw yourself on men but you are not going to meet anyone sitting at home.

Blessings,
Zane