Monday, June 15, 2009

Love or Good Sex: Which Would You Choose?

Dear Zane,

I’ve been having an on-and-off relationship with my high school sweetheart for about eight years. He treats me like a queen but he lacks certain aspects when it comes to making love. I love black men who are driven and show me that same energy in bed, but he never takes control of any situation. I’ve tried opening up to him, talking dirty to him in bed, different outfits and scenarios, but nothing works. I’ve started looking elsewhere for that aspect and he found out. Amazingly, he was okay with it. He said that as long as the man or men know their role, he wouldn’t have a problem. Is that normal? Is that merely a desperate attempt for him to keep me? He always looks sad when he knows that I have “a date.” Yet, he always says that he is okay with it. What should I do?

Love or Good Sex

Dear Love or Good Sex,

You have a difficult situation. Eight years is a long time to spend with one person, outside of marriage. The fact that you are not sexually compatible is obviously an issue because you are now sleeping with other men—with his consent. He loves you; he must really, really love you, to put your needs before his own. Of course, he is sad. I am sure that your “excursions” are killing him inside. To please you, he is going along with the program. He has placed your happiness before his own by allowing you to have sex with other men, since he cannot please you.

I know what I would do. I would try to salvage a “friendship” with this man, but I would end the “relationship.” It is toxic. If the shoe were on the other foot, I seriously doubt that you would cosign on him sleeping with other women because you were lacking in your sexual performance. You would not want to watch him walk out of the house to go on a “date.” Let’s keep it real. You are hurting this man terribly and he is enabling you to do it.

I do not think you should stay. You have given it eight years. Then you will go right back to being miserable. We can love people but never see them. Most of us love the Lord but have never seen him. You can still be his friend, even hang out from time to time once the pain subsides, but do both yourself and him a favor: End the madness. Prolonging the inevitable, no matter if you are the one living in complete misery or him, will not solve anything. It will only spawn more bitterness and anger.