Monday, June 15, 2009

When a Lesbian Threesome Turns Into a Nightmare

Dear Zane,

I have a problem that I need your input on. I am nineteen and I am a lesbian. I am in love with a girl and we have been together for nearly two years. Something happened to cause our relationship to end. It hurt me dearly and, at this point, I do not know what to do. I cry every single night and the sad part about it is that I still live with her—and have sex with her. I try to refrain from expressing my love to her, to prevent myself from kissing her and other things, but it is really hard.

Here is what caused our relationship to end: a threesome. For a while, I was not truly pleased so I brought up a threesome; not right then and there but at some point later in our lives. I tend to say that I want something when I really do not; it is kind of hard to explain. We agreed on a threesome but I made it clear that I would only do it if she did not eat another girl out. That was my only contingency.

So, we met this girl at a club; we talked and danced with her but that was it. One day, my girlfriend told me that she had run into her and they had talked; cool by me. A few weeks later, the girl came over to our house. My ex-girlfriend said she was only coming over to watch a movie and hang out. After she arrived, my girlfriend and I were kissing. I wanted to have sex with her; her kisses are so lovely. Anyway, we started playing with each other; I was riding her finger and the other girl started fingering me out of the blue. I was not really tripping; it was feeling good so it was whatever. One thing led to another and I started kissing the girl. I assumed my ex-girlfriend was fingering her but became suspicious when the girl started holding onto me like she could not handle it. I looked down and my ex-girlfriend was eating her out.

Right then and there, I was ready to stop. I did not want to watch her eat another girl out. I was mad as hell by that point. I wanted to slap the hell out of her but I did not. I decided that, if I did the same thing, maybe it would not feel so bad. I licked her for a second but I could not go through with it and I pushed her off of me. I was disgusted with myself. I did not even know her. The only woman that I had ever gone down on was my ex-girlfriend and we had been together for going on two years. I told her that I did not want to finish so my ex-girlfriend went and got Little Pookie—our toy—and I started riding it. The girl was fingering my ex-girlfriend. I tried not to get mad. I told her that I loved her but she yelled out the other girl’s name. I was distraught at this point so I stopped everything. I told them to finish and I got into the shower. I cried and I cried, as I tried to wash her smell and her body off of mine.

After all of that, my ex-girlfriend left and did not return for two hours from taking the girl home. I presumed they were fucking and everything. I was mad and wanted to be done with her. She came home and claimed that she had been driving around, thinking and all of that. In my mind and my heart, I did not believe her. I left and went to my mother’s house. I cried on her shoulder and talked to her about it. She really did not help much but she did offer a little advice.

I went home and finally explained why I was mad to my ex-girlfriend. She did not understand my issues with it. You probably do not either so I am going to explain it to you. I believe that giving head is a private thing; that you should not go around doing it to anyone and she had promised me that she would not. Yet, she still did.

She is trying to enlist in the Army so she works out every day. She sees this other girl a lot. I wanted to know if she wanted to fuck my ex-girlfriend again so I sent her a text message and asked. She got smart with me and said, “LOL—I already did.” Zane, I was ready to get into my car, drive to her house, and beat her brains out.

My ex-girlfriend and I decided to be friends; well, she decided anyway. I really do not want to be friends with her; I love her. Every time I turn around, I keep thinking about this situation and I cannot get it out of my head. She talks to this other girl every day and she will not stop. I feel like she is choosing her over me. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I do not know if I am jealous, if I am overreacting to this entire thing, or what is going on? It is hurting me so badly. I do not know what to do, or think, any more. I want to move on but I cannot; I want to forget but I cannot. I am asking you to please tell me what you think of this entire thing.

Signed,
Ms. Confused


Dear Ms. Confused,

Part of me wishes that I could wrap my arms around you, at this moment, and tell you that everything will be okay. I sense your innocence, even through your email. The fact that you went home and discussed this all with your mother, and your age, give credence to that presumption. Everything is not going to be okay; not with the way things stand now. You made a mistake—a costly one. You said that you often ask for things that you do not really want. When you suggested a threesome to your ex-girlfriend, you opened up Pandora’s Box. When you met the other young lady at the club, you opened up one latch. When you told your ex that you were cool that she had run into the girl and they had talked, that was the second latch. When you agreed for her to come over to watch a movie, that was the third latch. When you started kissing and fondling each other in front of her, that was the final latch.

For you, performing oral sex on a woman is a very personal act, and I would tend to agree. Many men and women feel that doing oral should only happen when there are emotional ties; especially men. In today’s society, most men expect oral sex, even within casual relationships but they are rarely so quick to return the favor. A lot of women will not do it unless they are in love. But your situation is more than what the trend is in society. You and your ex had discussed this and you had made it perfectly clear that oral sex was a line that should not be crossed. But what did you expect with a threesome involving a trio of women? Did you expect the other girl to eat the two of you out and not expect anything in return? Did you envision a threesome as a bunch of fingering, vibrators, kissing, and strap-ons? We cannot change the past; we cannot even change what we did last night. We can only learn from our mistakes and move on.

The problem is that you are not moving on. More than likely, your ex did drive that young lady home that night and finish what they had started. More than likely, they have engaged in intimacy since then—on more than one occasion. The fact that she is calling her daily and disregarding your wishes speaks volumes. I understand that you love her, but love does not mean having to put up with disrespect, pain, or fighting a lost cause. She is your first real love. Your first lesbian experience. You live together and you are still sleeping with her. She has no reason to make a change. Why? Because you are accepting all of her behavior. No matter how much you complain, you are still there; taking every action that she dishes out.

Her decision for the two of you to be friends should stand. You are in a relationship with her but she is not in one with you. She ended it. If you choose to stay there, pay rent, dole out pussy to her, and wait for her to enlist in the Army and leave you as a distant memory, it will ultimately be your fault and yours alone. She has made her intentions clear. She is openly engaged in dealings with someone else. In her mind, she may be thinking that until she goes to boot camp, she might as well deal with you, since you are so accommodating. At the same time, she can live the single life and get everything that she wants. She may not be choosing the other woman over you, per say, but she is choosing to explore her options and her freedom.

You want something completely different than what she wants. The two of you tried, you have grown apart, both of you are maturing daily, and this is not going to work. You should move out as soon as humanly possible. I cannot even suggest that you remain her friend. You cannot handle that. You need to heal and you cannot do that by still ending up in bed with her on a regular basis. If you can move in with your mother, consider that as an option. If the lease is in your name, ask her to leave. Be honest. Tell her that you cannot accept or handle things the way that they are. You need more; you want more. There is nothing wrong with having expectations and desires in this life. There is something wrong with sacrificing your happiness for another person. Hang in there, baby. It is going to take you a while to get over this, but, I promise you, you will. Life is ten percent what happens to us and ninety percent how we react to it.

Blessings,
Zane

10 comments:

S.D. Denny said...

This is excellent advice, Zane. She just learned a hard lesson. Hope she realizes her mistake...

Sylvia Hubbard said...

snaps snaps snaps snaps

You hit the nail on the head, Zane.

Sista gurl needs lots of time and a lot more distance to get over this hot mess.

LABW

Anonymous said...

I've been with my partner for 5yrs and the 3 some thing crossed my mind but as I think about again. I love her and I want my love well our love to continue to grow stronger. And, looking at this situation I will never ever try it. I am her first and I want to be her last.

Pip said...

Another thing, I think that since the ex was so quick to break the promise, she was cheating all along and basically put it out there.

Dimples30039 said...

Zane, I think that was the best advice anyone can give the young lady. I feel for her with it being her very first encounter and for it to turn out this way. but such as life and like you said she has to move on.. it will get easier..

Brandee said...

DEEEEEP!!!! But you gave some damned good advice.

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