Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Needing to Fill a Void

Dear Zane,

I must say your books are off the chain. I LOVE YOUR BOOKS!! I'm in my late 30's and in love with this guy who works the opposite shift I work. We keep work at work but when we get behind doors it's a different story. We have been sexually active for 5 years. The SEX is fantastic. On a scale from 1-10, he's a 10++. He's sooooo compassionate, respectful, loving, caring, etc. I feel like he's my soul mate and all that I've been looking for in a man. I don't want to let go of him. My problem is sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me the same as I love him.

He tells me the right things all the time; except when it comes to talking about relationships. We both do not want a long term relationship because of past relationships but I can't help but to feel like something is missing. A void in my life. We don't see much of each other because we both believe absence makes the heart grow fonder but it's been 5 years and I'm feeling quite empty. I've tried dating but can't. Never once have I slept with anyone else. He's always on my mind. I can't help but ask myself what type of relationship is this? What type of relationship I want to be in and in what way? I want him to be part of my life but how? He knows everything (some things are kept to myself) about me and I know him as well (I'm sure some things were kept sacred). We have been keeping our relationship to ourselves (besides immediate families on both sides). All in all, the sex is superb. We talk about everything (he's also a big fan of your books and we converse about your books) and tried almost everything you spoke in your books. Should I hold on for a little while longer? I hate to give up loving him? I LOVE him dearly but don't really know if he really means when he says he loves me. What should I do?

Signed,
Needing to Fill a Void

Dear Needing to Fill a Void,

Five years is too long to consider yourself friends with benefits. Despite problems with past relationships, this one has withstood the test of time and lasted longer than most marriages. It was inevitable that one of you would get to the point of craving more. You do not see much of each other outside of work and I am not sure it is because of the whole “absence making the heart grow fonder” scenario. You need to confront him—straight up. Ask him what his intentions are regarding you. If after five years, he is not comfortable enough to make a commitment, you should probably move on. Either he is too settled with the ways things are—having a sex partner on demand but with the freedom of dating others—or he is not ever going to view you as a soul mate.

You have been faithful to him but have allowed yourself to be his option. That is not cool. You love him, you said that numerous times, and love means building a life together eventually. After five years, either you are at that point with him, or you need to stop sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone else.

Blessings,
Zane

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