Beyond Frustration

Dear Zane,

I know that u have a website that u answer questions about sex, but since you are on MySpace, maybe you can help me out with a problem that I am having.I am a 23 year old African-American male who is gay. I came out of the closet 5 years ago and since them my sex life has been dull. In today's society, men in this lifestyle have to be a certain weight size. For example I weigh around 184-200 lbs. In their eyes I’m the fattest thing that ever walked the earth.Indeed I am not fat at all but I feel that I have to complete with other men. I feel like Lyric from the show "Zane’s Sex Chronicles." A woman who loves her husband but for some reason she is feeling alone and bitter sexually.Sometimes I cry over the situation because this is not supposed to happen to me. I am young and ambitious. And because I am not like everybody else and just give a damn about parties and clothes I have to be punished. I am beyond sexually frustrated, Zane. Please tell me what should I do.

Signed,
Beyond Frustration

Dear Beyond Frustration,

I am not trying to pimp books that I publish but if you have not read “Passion Marks” by Lee Hayes, you should do so because it is about how a gay man’s self-esteem is destroyed by his lover. It is good that you are not all about partying and clothes and that you are ambitious. I am sure that you are not alone but it could be that you are searching for love in the wrong places. This happens to women as well, dealing with shallow-minded men or people who are not goal-oriented but worried about what party to go to next weekend.

You should not cry but embrace the real you. Someone told me recently that we are not supposed to seek out love but to attract it. If you seem depressed and miserable you will attract only likeminded individuals or people who mean you no good. We all wish that love would come easy. Sometimes it does but that is rare.

Even though you are sexually frustrated you need to refrain from promiscuity because that is not going to help either. Ironically I did a radio show on Friday that was about how some women who feel dejected about their looks use their bodies to make them feel special by becoming promiscuous. You are good enough for everybody but you are not for everybody. Engage in some activities, groups, networking opportunities that give you the chance to meet new people; not just the ones harping on looks only. I saw your picture and you are not fat, just dealing with fat heads.

Blessings,
Zane