Sunday, March 1, 2009

Tired and Torn

Dear Zane,
In November, my ex and I broke up after eight months. He cheated. I pulled myself back together and moved on. I met a new guy and he seemed heaven sent. He went to church with me and spent time doing everything the last wouldn't. The only thing is he and I argued every other day over little things. We would break up get back together over and over. I'm not the easiest person to deal with, so I dealt with it. The new guy isn't in a good position, no real friends, family won't help, no car, no place to live. I am a full time grad student and I live with my mom.

He wanted me to cosign on a loan and my mom rescued me from making that poor decision by offering him our couch. He wasn't motivated to get another job or a new one. He would basically drop me off at school and sit around the campus until I was out of class. That got old really quickly. I found out he didn't want his family to help him. His father had him a job in his hometown. He didn't want to work. So I let him go back to his situation in his hometown.

We tried the long distance but he'd freak out when I didn't want to drive the forty five minutes to get him and 45 minutes back home so he could stay the night or two. He'd throw tantrums to get his way and then break up with me if I stuck to my guns. This last break up I told him if he wanted to leave I wouldn't stop him that it would be the last time he'd break up with me. So now he's calling and texting me, crying and telling me he loves me and that he wants to marry me. I do care about him but the situation is even more complicated by the ex that cheated.

He has been telling me how much he misses me and wants to rebuild our relationship but he hasn't been showing the effort except inviting me to his place to cuddle. I miss him. So now I'm stuck between two men one who says he loves me and wants a lifetime with me but we can't go without arguing and one who I know loves me but is so scared to commit he sabotaged our relationship. My mind keeps saying try with the new guy. My heart says go to the old who has it together and I don't argue with. And I'm also scared that my relationship with the new guy will turn into a domestic violence situation. We've been on the cusp several times. We've both gotten physical. Me more so than him, after he destroyed property of mine. When he was here, I had to report my comings and goings. He accused me of cheating with one of my classmates. So I see possible warnings in him and myself.

I know I shouldn't think about dating my ex again because of the cheating. He had no reason to seek sex elsewhere. I was begging him to have sex with me more than the once a week he was doing. I don't know what to do about either man. I'm torn between the two. Any advice?

Tired and Torn

Dear Tired and Torn,

My advice is that it is better to be alone than to be a fool over love. There is no mandate that states you have to make a choice between two men that mean you no good. Let’s start with the easier of the two; the one who cheated. The fact that you were not only willing to have sex with him more often, but begged him for sex (something you should never have to do), and he cheated anyway means that he is simply a man who desires more than one woman. You said that he has been putting forth little effort to prove that he wants you back and it might be as simple you are an easy solution to a current drought for him. I hate to put it that way but if a man feels a woman is vulnerable to him and that he can get some easy sex, then often he will whisper the right sweet nothings to get his sexual fix. Basically, you need to leave his ass alone.

The other man is a disaster waiting to happen. My mind is boggled that your mind is telling you to be with the new man. What man? A man does not sleep on his girlfriend’s mother’s couch. A man works for a living. A MAN is just about everything that your BOY is not. The possible domestic violence should be the catalyst for you to run for the hills. Anyone who can drive you to violence, and who is destroying your personal property, does not belong in your life. It amazes me that something that should be so clear is escaping you. Why would you put yourself in a situation with an unemployed, car-less, non-ambitious, disrespectful person when you seemingly have a lot going for you? Let me answer that. He has convinced you that he is the one and he is not. You will end up supporting him, emotionally and financially, and he will continue to sit on his ass. That is not the life that any young lady should choose for herself. You do not have to have a man every single day of your life. It should not be about what is behind door A, B, and C and being forced to chose someone inappropriate. You can be alone for a while, if need be.

Something tells me that you are going to stay with the current man and allow him to ruin your life, only to find yourself five years down the road living in misery and feeling stuck. Things are not going to get better. You cannot and will not change him. Only he can change himself. You cannot make him the man you desire and he cannot be a man that he is incapable of being. I know it is hard. It is never easy to give up once you realize you are fighting a losing battle but trust me, once you relinquish the ones that hurt you, someone will come along that is worthy of being in your life.



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