Sunday, March 1, 2009

Am I Sick or Just Sexually Inexperienced?

Dear Zane,

I truly enjoyed your book “The Sex Chronicles.” I am married, thirty-three years old and I have only had two sexual partners in my life, including my husband. I feel really guilty and dirty when I look at explicit sexual material and I feel as if I am repressing my sexual needs. I was raised in a very strict family. My father always warned me about getting pregnant early. Although I was not sexually active, nor did I have a boyfriend. My husband is a more experienced lover than I am and he is also a really good, freaky and patient lover. I find it difficult, however, to let go and get wild. I get really turned on by lesbian sex and feel really aroused when I think of or look at a woman’s body.

I know that I am not a lesbian but maybe I am a bit curious. To top it all off, I am a Christian and I feel a deep spiritual connection to God. But God made sex so why do I feel so guilty and ashamed when I view sex and/or think sexual thoughts. Am I sick? Or am I just sexually inexperienced? Do I need to go out and do something wild and crazy? How do I overcome my insecurities and develop sexual confidence? Thanks for taking the time to read my message.

Afraid and Guilty

Dear Afraid and Guilty,

No, you do not need to go out and do something wild and crazy; unless your husband is involved in the endeavor. Cheating is not cool, unless you are ready to end the marriage. What you need to do is to learn to explore that freakiness with the man you made a commitment to for life. Being attracted and curious about other females is normal and if you really want to explore that, talk to your husband about it and see how he feels about a possible threesome with another female. Odds are that he might be as excited about it as you—possibly even more excited than you. Be prepared if he shoots the idea down though.

God did create sex and the marriage bed is the place to be sexually confident and shed all of your insecurities. Ask yourself why you married your husband. He is supposed to be your best friend, the one person in the world whose arms you feel the safest in. He will not judge you and he is obviously comfortable with sex himself. Talk to your man. That’s right. YOUR MAN. Tell him all of the things you emailed me about. Be open and honest. That is what he is there for. Go to bed tonight and act like this is the first day of the rest of your life, because it is. Reach out for him, live out a fantasy and wake up tomorrow morning with a huge smile on your face. There is no reason to fear sexual liberation except fear itself. Fear holds most people back in life. Do not allow it to hold back your marriage.



Anonymous said...

To be an amen chorus to your response.
When I shared with my husband my attraction to women, I wasn't sure what he'd think of me. He shocked me by being totally supportive. Being open and honest with him about my sexual desires/fantasies have helped us grow as a couple in leaps and bounds.

** stumbled onto your blog purely by accident. I am a big fan of your writing. I promise you Sex chronicles opened up a whole new world for me.**

Anonymous said...

I agree totally with zane. You do need to consult and talk to your partner. Be ready for changes that may come. As for as the religious part talk to god and he will help you out. He sees all and knows all anyway. I hope everything works out for you. oh make sure the 3rd party gets tested can't be too safe. blessings.

Anonymous said...

Damn damn hot holy damn why did I not get married 2u. How I wish my wife loved women also

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