Desperate for Answers

Dear Zane,

I just want to say that I have followed your work from day one and I love your writing!
I hope my situation isn't too confusing but I really need some answers on what to do about my so-called "boyfriend". Okay, we have known each other for six years and we are living in two separate states; he is in North Carolina and I am in VA, we're not that far apart, we're like 45 minutes away. Anyway, it is still hard for us to get together on a regular. We have lost touch over the years because my family moved back to VA from North Carolina after only a short time. But we always seem to get back in contact and just recently we have gotten back together.

The problem is that during the holidays when he didn't have anything, no money, I treated him, meaning I gave him money, bought him things, put him up in a hotel room so that he would have some place to sleep on Christmas Eve. I even bought him a Christmas gift, which I know I probably shouldn't have done knowing that he didn't get me anything. But soon after that I began to feel used by him, he never offered to pay me back for the time when I gave him money for a light bill and I really didn't have it to spare but I wanted to help; he never bought me anything to make up for Christmas and this past Valentine's Day he didn't get me anything. I have begun thinking that he doesn't appreciate me or the sweet things that I do/have did for him. And for the past two months he doesn't even call me on the regular like he used to. Whenever I ask him why he hasn't called he always has a lame excuse and me being young and stupid I believe it knowing that it's bull shit.

He used to call almost every night throughout the week, now he just calls on Saturdays while he's at work and he always expects me to come to him when he asks just so that we can have a quickie. I admit that I have jumped when he said jump and every time I feel used and the worst part is when we do get together we don't go anywhere, we don't do anything but sit in his car and have sex. And we rarely see each other and when he does call he never has anything to say to me. I have also begun to think that he's hiding something from me and that he's sleeping with someone else. I wouldn't put it past him if he was, it just hurts me to think that because he tells me all the time that he loves me, cares for me, and wants to marry me someday.

I'm only twenty-two and I'm so stressed out behind him. When it comes to relationships I am needy for affection and attention and I just want a man who really cares about me and calls me just to say hey. And another thing, the last time he called me he called to ask if I would come pick him up from his job which is close to where I live but I asked him why he couldn't come to me and he had another excuse! He said that his license was suspended! I don't know if I should continue with this relationship but I have loved him for six years and I'm not so sure I want to end things with him. He doesn't know anything about my feelings and the way I feel about the situation because I never told him or talked to him about it and he rarely opens up to me about his feelings either. So, what should I do? Should I break up with him for good or should I continue with it and hope everything turns out for the best? Thank you in advance!

Signed,
Desperate for Answers



Dear Desperate for Answers,

Honestly, you already have all the answers. Your email lies out specific reasons why you should not be even entertaining giving him the time of day. Yet, you are. The one thing that stands out clearly to me is that he has you stressed out and stress can kill not only your spirit, but your body. No relationship is worth that. He is a taker and you are a giver. He tells you what you want to hear and you sop it up like a sponge. You want to believe that he is sincere, even though his actions prove anything but. You keep quiet about how you feel because you want to spare his feelings, even though you know that he does not give a damn about yours. You ask me what you should do about him when you know already that he is systematically destroying the most important part of your life: you.

You have put six years into him, so now you feel like you should keep hoping for a change that is never going to come instead of deciding that today has to be the last day for him in your world. You have spent some money on him, so now you are waiting for him to appreciate it, possibly pay you back or reciprocate with gifts and acts of kindness. Dinosaurs will probably re-inhabit the earth first.

There are many men who would cherish a woman like you. He is not one of them. He does not see you in that light. He sees you as a pawn in his game; a game that you are willingly playing. The only thing that makes sense for you to do is to cut him out of your life, go through the healing process, and learn from your mistakes and experiences. You are so caught up that it has to be all or nothing; you cannot wean yourself off of him. He is your drug. Do not overdose. Check yourself into rehab.

Blessings,
Zane