Dear Zane,
I must say, you are amazing. I love your books and web site and I even watched your show. You truly helped me see the freak in myself. However, I am confused and dumbfounded by this. This past Friday I went to spend some time with a friend. His live-in girlfriend was sleeping. He has come on to me a few times before an even though I was completely feeling him, nothing ever happened but some sexual text and a secret feel-up when no one was looking.
Knowing his situation, I still wanted him and had to fuck him. I realize that was horrible of me. The other night was the first time that we were chilling without mutual friends around, despite the sleeping girlfriend. I was on my best behavior in their home, on her ground. We were having a good time but then he unzipped my jacket so my twins were showing. You get the point. I was not going to argue with him for doing it because it was what I wanted.
We made our way over to the couch to watch Entourage. Somehow, I found myself kissing him and my top was casually coming off. The entire time, I was thinking how great of a kisser he was and if he can suck on something else the way he is sucking on my bottom lip, oooh weeee. I forgot that his girlfriend was down the hall.
A sane thought had to fuck it all up so I pushed him off of me. He took me home after that. I still wanted him but I was going to try and do the right thing. When I was about to get out of the car, we ended up kissing goodbye, which led to an invitation to come inside and he quickly accepted.
Inside, I started giving him head. It had to have been goo because he busted extremely fast. At first, I thought it was a lot of precum but, either way, I continued to do my thing. None of us like a minute man. If my mouth made him cum that fast, he was not going to last in this pussy, so I kept going and reminded myself that it had barely been five minutes. Then he started telling me how he couldn’t do it and how much he loved his girl. Needless to say, I was not sucking his dick any more. He hugged and kissed me and then said that he loved me also, which was too much. He started apologizing to me. All I could say was that he had wanted it. He did not give me a clear reason but talked about his girl and how he had to go.
But how could she suddenly be the reason for stopping when earlier, at their place when she was a few feet down the hall, she had not even been an issue. She could have seen us. I turned him down at that point, saying that it was not right and if he did not want me, why did he keep pursuing me? He was the biggest tease and a guy has never done that to me. Even if he just wanted some head from me, that does not seem right because I was still going. I do not understand why he would lead me on, getting me all hot and, not just with words but with action, and then peel out on me. He allowed things to get pretty far before stopping and never seemed like he had a second thought about getting with me. If he would have never started anything, nothing would have ever happened.
Please try to help me make some sense of this. I probably should not be so worried about why a taken man does not want me, but no one has ever turned me down when I was going down on them. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Another Woman’s Man
Dear Another Woman’s Man,
Your signature line answers your question to me. He was, and is, another woman’s man. Making sense out of what happened with him is simple. At some point, he grew a conscience; something that miraculously does happen from time to time with men. He was a low down dirty dog for making out with you at his place, with his woman asleep in the next room. After he drove you home, the lust was still thriving and he got caught in the moment. Most importantly, you were a willing participant in his game. You ended up inside, sucking his dick, even though you realized it might have been up inside his woman hours earlier. It did not matter to you, so he let you suck it. Then he probably either A) realized that he loved his woman and could not disrespect her like that, B) realized that he was risking too much by trying to fuck you, or C) grew embarrassed from coming so soon and was afraid he was not be able to fuck you right. Whatever the reason, you should be glad he left and went home.
Your bigger question should be about your actions and behavior. Honestly, even though you thought the man was sexy, what compelled you to go where you did? That is what you need to figure out. I am not sure what your expectations where beyond that night, but let me try to educate you. The chances of a man taking a woman seriously who would make out with him on a sofa while his woman is asleep down the hall, who would suck his dick five seconds after hitting the door even though she knows he is in a committed relationship, and who would willingly fuck him and agree to be a mere piece of ass, are slim to none. Sure, he cannot be trusted either; that is for damn sure. He has no morals, despite the fact that he got up and left.
I realize that times seem hard when it comes to finding a good man, but the operative word is “good.” That does not mean that sisters need to resort to desperate measures and cast their self-respect out the window. He may look good, have a silver tongue, and run a good game, but that does not mandate that you fall for it. You caught me on a good day because, normally, I would be harsher with my language toward you. But, I have learned that the actions of people, in the moment that they happen, come naturally. There is something underlying that caused you to even entertain the man’s advances. You need to figure out what that is. As for him, be glad that he left. Now make sure you never travel down the road of imminent disaster again.
Blessings,
Zane
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Forbidden Love
Dear Zane,
I am eighteen and I have been with my brother’s best friend for a year now but no one in my family realizes that we are together. I am so in love with this guy and I think that he feels the same about me. The sex is off the hook with him. I have had the pleasure of growing with him sexually. We have experienced everything together, but the problem is that he has a girlfriend.
He tells me that he loves me but the only reason why he won’t break up with her for me is because of my family. He doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with my brother. I told him that it does not matter what my brother has to say.
I try to leave him but it is too damn hard. I love him so much and he was the first guy. I lost my virginity to him. The sex is so fucking good. Please give me advice.
Signed,
Miss Confused
Dear Miss Confused,
Allow me to clear up some of your confusion. Men can say anything but you must judge a man by his actions. He will not break up with his girlfriend because of your family but he will continuously sleep with you? That does not make sense and if something does not make sense, it is a lie. He is using you. He took your virginity and now he continues to make visits to the well and will continue until that well runs dry and you stop allowing him to have his way with you.
If he truly loved you and was afraid of what your family would think, he may attempt to have a secretive relationship with you but he is not going to have another woman. What is she supposed to be? A cover story? Darling, wake up and smell the shit. Leaving him is not the right term because you are not with him. You need to stop having sex with him and spend that time and effort on school and meeting young men who will respect you. However, you cannot expect or demand respect from others until you respect yourself. As for your brother, I am quite sure that your brother would be a hundred times more upset to find out that his best friend has been screwing his sister, while engaged in a relationship with someone else, than he would be to find out that the two of you were interested in one another.
Blessings,
Zane
I am eighteen and I have been with my brother’s best friend for a year now but no one in my family realizes that we are together. I am so in love with this guy and I think that he feels the same about me. The sex is off the hook with him. I have had the pleasure of growing with him sexually. We have experienced everything together, but the problem is that he has a girlfriend.
He tells me that he loves me but the only reason why he won’t break up with her for me is because of my family. He doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with my brother. I told him that it does not matter what my brother has to say.
I try to leave him but it is too damn hard. I love him so much and he was the first guy. I lost my virginity to him. The sex is so fucking good. Please give me advice.
Signed,
Miss Confused
Dear Miss Confused,
Allow me to clear up some of your confusion. Men can say anything but you must judge a man by his actions. He will not break up with his girlfriend because of your family but he will continuously sleep with you? That does not make sense and if something does not make sense, it is a lie. He is using you. He took your virginity and now he continues to make visits to the well and will continue until that well runs dry and you stop allowing him to have his way with you.
If he truly loved you and was afraid of what your family would think, he may attempt to have a secretive relationship with you but he is not going to have another woman. What is she supposed to be? A cover story? Darling, wake up and smell the shit. Leaving him is not the right term because you are not with him. You need to stop having sex with him and spend that time and effort on school and meeting young men who will respect you. However, you cannot expect or demand respect from others until you respect yourself. As for your brother, I am quite sure that your brother would be a hundred times more upset to find out that his best friend has been screwing his sister, while engaged in a relationship with someone else, than he would be to find out that the two of you were interested in one another.
Blessings,
Zane
Am I Sick or Just Sexually Inexperienced?
Dear Zane,
I truly enjoyed your book “The Sex Chronicles.” I am married, thirty-three years old and I have only had two sexual partners in my life, including my husband. I feel really guilty and dirty when I look at explicit sexual material and I feel as if I am repressing my sexual needs. I was raised in a very strict family. My father always warned me about getting pregnant early. Although I was not sexually active, nor did I have a boyfriend. My husband is a more experienced lover than I am and he is also a really good, freaky and patient lover. I find it difficult, however, to let go and get wild. I get really turned on by lesbian sex and feel really aroused when I think of or look at a woman’s body.
I know that I am not a lesbian but maybe I am a bit curious. To top it all off, I am a Christian and I feel a deep spiritual connection to God. But God made sex so why do I feel so guilty and ashamed when I view sex and/or think sexual thoughts. Am I sick? Or am I just sexually inexperienced? Do I need to go out and do something wild and crazy? How do I overcome my insecurities and develop sexual confidence? Thanks for taking the time to read my message.
Signed,
Afraid and Guilty
Dear Afraid and Guilty,
No, you do not need to go out and do something wild and crazy; unless your husband is involved in the endeavor. Cheating is not cool, unless you are ready to end the marriage. What you need to do is to learn to explore that freakiness with the man you made a commitment to for life. Being attracted and curious about other females is normal and if you really want to explore that, talk to your husband about it and see how he feels about a possible threesome with another female. Odds are that he might be as excited about it as you—possibly even more excited than you. Be prepared if he shoots the idea down though.
God did create sex and the marriage bed is the place to be sexually confident and shed all of your insecurities. Ask yourself why you married your husband. He is supposed to be your best friend, the one person in the world whose arms you feel the safest in. He will not judge you and he is obviously comfortable with sex himself. Talk to your man. That’s right. YOUR MAN. Tell him all of the things you emailed me about. Be open and honest. That is what he is there for. Go to bed tonight and act like this is the first day of the rest of your life, because it is. Reach out for him, live out a fantasy and wake up tomorrow morning with a huge smile on your face. There is no reason to fear sexual liberation except fear itself. Fear holds most people back in life. Do not allow it to hold back your marriage.
Blessings,
Zane
I truly enjoyed your book “The Sex Chronicles.” I am married, thirty-three years old and I have only had two sexual partners in my life, including my husband. I feel really guilty and dirty when I look at explicit sexual material and I feel as if I am repressing my sexual needs. I was raised in a very strict family. My father always warned me about getting pregnant early. Although I was not sexually active, nor did I have a boyfriend. My husband is a more experienced lover than I am and he is also a really good, freaky and patient lover. I find it difficult, however, to let go and get wild. I get really turned on by lesbian sex and feel really aroused when I think of or look at a woman’s body.
I know that I am not a lesbian but maybe I am a bit curious. To top it all off, I am a Christian and I feel a deep spiritual connection to God. But God made sex so why do I feel so guilty and ashamed when I view sex and/or think sexual thoughts. Am I sick? Or am I just sexually inexperienced? Do I need to go out and do something wild and crazy? How do I overcome my insecurities and develop sexual confidence? Thanks for taking the time to read my message.
Signed,
Afraid and Guilty
Dear Afraid and Guilty,
No, you do not need to go out and do something wild and crazy; unless your husband is involved in the endeavor. Cheating is not cool, unless you are ready to end the marriage. What you need to do is to learn to explore that freakiness with the man you made a commitment to for life. Being attracted and curious about other females is normal and if you really want to explore that, talk to your husband about it and see how he feels about a possible threesome with another female. Odds are that he might be as excited about it as you—possibly even more excited than you. Be prepared if he shoots the idea down though.
God did create sex and the marriage bed is the place to be sexually confident and shed all of your insecurities. Ask yourself why you married your husband. He is supposed to be your best friend, the one person in the world whose arms you feel the safest in. He will not judge you and he is obviously comfortable with sex himself. Talk to your man. That’s right. YOUR MAN. Tell him all of the things you emailed me about. Be open and honest. That is what he is there for. Go to bed tonight and act like this is the first day of the rest of your life, because it is. Reach out for him, live out a fantasy and wake up tomorrow morning with a huge smile on your face. There is no reason to fear sexual liberation except fear itself. Fear holds most people back in life. Do not allow it to hold back your marriage.
Blessings,
Zane
Friendly Fuck Friends
Dear Zane,
For about three or four years, I had this crush on a guy. One day, before Winter Break, he invited me over to his house, where all of my dreams came true. Well, sort of. I sucked his dick but all he did was finger me. About a year or two later, we have continued our sexcapades. I finally got some of his dick. The problem is that now I’ve started dating a guy who seemingly knows him. The sex is off the walls with the new guy. We don’t have to fuck in a bathroom but I still have to sneak in. I don’t know what to do about my longing crush. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to hurt my man.
Sincerely,
Friendly Fuck Friends
Dear Friendly Fuck Friends,
Okay, I am still trying to get past “having to fuck in a bathroom” and “having to sneak in.” Obviously you are young and that is not a crime, but it can sometimes be a hindrance in life’s journey. While you do not necessarily have to stop dating either one of them, if it is bothering you that much than you should let one of them go. Men often date more than one woman, even when they are supposed to be committed. Maybe I am missing something but it does not sound like you have a commitment with either man. Them knowing each other can be tricky, but it is not unheard of. Since you are in school, that should be your focus and not settling down. You will have plenty of time for that later on. Sucking a guy’s dick and then not getting actual sex for nearly two years means that he does not view you in the light that you may think. Fucking you in a bathroom instead of making other accommodations to speaks volumes. Just relax and live free and enjoy what lies ahead of you but make sure you practice safe sex.
Blessings,
Zane
For about three or four years, I had this crush on a guy. One day, before Winter Break, he invited me over to his house, where all of my dreams came true. Well, sort of. I sucked his dick but all he did was finger me. About a year or two later, we have continued our sexcapades. I finally got some of his dick. The problem is that now I’ve started dating a guy who seemingly knows him. The sex is off the walls with the new guy. We don’t have to fuck in a bathroom but I still have to sneak in. I don’t know what to do about my longing crush. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to hurt my man.
Sincerely,
Friendly Fuck Friends
Dear Friendly Fuck Friends,
Okay, I am still trying to get past “having to fuck in a bathroom” and “having to sneak in.” Obviously you are young and that is not a crime, but it can sometimes be a hindrance in life’s journey. While you do not necessarily have to stop dating either one of them, if it is bothering you that much than you should let one of them go. Men often date more than one woman, even when they are supposed to be committed. Maybe I am missing something but it does not sound like you have a commitment with either man. Them knowing each other can be tricky, but it is not unheard of. Since you are in school, that should be your focus and not settling down. You will have plenty of time for that later on. Sucking a guy’s dick and then not getting actual sex for nearly two years means that he does not view you in the light that you may think. Fucking you in a bathroom instead of making other accommodations to speaks volumes. Just relax and live free and enjoy what lies ahead of you but make sure you practice safe sex.
Blessings,
Zane
Afraid of an Ex
Dear Zane
I'm a 20 year old college student and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years. A year ago I started going on dates and having sex with my ex. On my birthday my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes. My ex was at this party and watched the entire thing go down. I felt bad but I meant what I said. I told my ex we had to end what we were doing. He agreed but asked to just be friends. I told him that would be OK but know he calls my cell at hours or days he thinks my boyfriend will be around and tries to have phone sex or some conversations that I know I shouldn't have at the time. He has become a totally different person from the man I knew and I'm afraid of what might happen next. I would die if my boyfriend found out what happened. I feel if I tell my ex there can be no contact between us at all he'll tell my boyfriend about us. What should I do? I really need advice the fear is killing me.
Sincerely
Afraid
Dear Afraid,
No one can live their life in fear and no one should live their live with clouds over their heads. Thus you have three choices. You can either A) continue to communicate with your ex and wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan when it finally catches up to you, B) cut your ex off and hope that he is man enough to simply walk away and not try to destroy your life, or C) tell your current man the truth, that you slipped, and that now you are being harassed by a man who is obsessed with you.
Your ex might love you but he does not want the best for you. If he truly cared about your well-being, he would let you go and move on. But you are enabling his activity by taking the calls and text messages and encouraging him to continue. If he does tell your current man everything, then that only shows his true character and establishes the fact that you should not have any involvement with him whatsoever. The choice is yours but personally, for me, option A would not even be a consideration.
Blessings,
Zane
I'm a 20 year old college student and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years. A year ago I started going on dates and having sex with my ex. On my birthday my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes. My ex was at this party and watched the entire thing go down. I felt bad but I meant what I said. I told my ex we had to end what we were doing. He agreed but asked to just be friends. I told him that would be OK but know he calls my cell at hours or days he thinks my boyfriend will be around and tries to have phone sex or some conversations that I know I shouldn't have at the time. He has become a totally different person from the man I knew and I'm afraid of what might happen next. I would die if my boyfriend found out what happened. I feel if I tell my ex there can be no contact between us at all he'll tell my boyfriend about us. What should I do? I really need advice the fear is killing me.
Sincerely
Afraid
Dear Afraid,
No one can live their life in fear and no one should live their live with clouds over their heads. Thus you have three choices. You can either A) continue to communicate with your ex and wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan when it finally catches up to you, B) cut your ex off and hope that he is man enough to simply walk away and not try to destroy your life, or C) tell your current man the truth, that you slipped, and that now you are being harassed by a man who is obsessed with you.
Your ex might love you but he does not want the best for you. If he truly cared about your well-being, he would let you go and move on. But you are enabling his activity by taking the calls and text messages and encouraging him to continue. If he does tell your current man everything, then that only shows his true character and establishes the fact that you should not have any involvement with him whatsoever. The choice is yours but personally, for me, option A would not even be a consideration.
Blessings,
Zane
Tired and Torn
Dear Zane,
In November, my ex and I broke up after eight months. He cheated. I pulled myself back together and moved on. I met a new guy and he seemed heaven sent. He went to church with me and spent time doing everything the last wouldn't. The only thing is he and I argued every other day over little things. We would break up get back together over and over. I'm not the easiest person to deal with, so I dealt with it. The new guy isn't in a good position, no real friends, family won't help, no car, no place to live. I am a full time grad student and I live with my mom.
He wanted me to cosign on a loan and my mom rescued me from making that poor decision by offering him our couch. He wasn't motivated to get another job or a new one. He would basically drop me off at school and sit around the campus until I was out of class. That got old really quickly. I found out he didn't want his family to help him. His father had him a job in his hometown. He didn't want to work. So I let him go back to his situation in his hometown.
We tried the long distance but he'd freak out when I didn't want to drive the forty five minutes to get him and 45 minutes back home so he could stay the night or two. He'd throw tantrums to get his way and then break up with me if I stuck to my guns. This last break up I told him if he wanted to leave I wouldn't stop him that it would be the last time he'd break up with me. So now he's calling and texting me, crying and telling me he loves me and that he wants to marry me. I do care about him but the situation is even more complicated by the ex that cheated.
He has been telling me how much he misses me and wants to rebuild our relationship but he hasn't been showing the effort except inviting me to his place to cuddle. I miss him. So now I'm stuck between two men one who says he loves me and wants a lifetime with me but we can't go without arguing and one who I know loves me but is so scared to commit he sabotaged our relationship. My mind keeps saying try with the new guy. My heart says go to the old who has it together and I don't argue with. And I'm also scared that my relationship with the new guy will turn into a domestic violence situation. We've been on the cusp several times. We've both gotten physical. Me more so than him, after he destroyed property of mine. When he was here, I had to report my comings and goings. He accused me of cheating with one of my classmates. So I see possible warnings in him and myself.
I know I shouldn't think about dating my ex again because of the cheating. He had no reason to seek sex elsewhere. I was begging him to have sex with me more than the once a week he was doing. I don't know what to do about either man. I'm torn between the two. Any advice?
Signed,
Tired and Torn
Dear Tired and Torn,
My advice is that it is better to be alone than to be a fool over love. There is no mandate that states you have to make a choice between two men that mean you no good. Let’s start with the easier of the two; the one who cheated. The fact that you were not only willing to have sex with him more often, but begged him for sex (something you should never have to do), and he cheated anyway means that he is simply a man who desires more than one woman. You said that he has been putting forth little effort to prove that he wants you back and it might be as simple you are an easy solution to a current drought for him. I hate to put it that way but if a man feels a woman is vulnerable to him and that he can get some easy sex, then often he will whisper the right sweet nothings to get his sexual fix. Basically, you need to leave his ass alone.
The other man is a disaster waiting to happen. My mind is boggled that your mind is telling you to be with the new man. What man? A man does not sleep on his girlfriend’s mother’s couch. A man works for a living. A MAN is just about everything that your BOY is not. The possible domestic violence should be the catalyst for you to run for the hills. Anyone who can drive you to violence, and who is destroying your personal property, does not belong in your life. It amazes me that something that should be so clear is escaping you. Why would you put yourself in a situation with an unemployed, car-less, non-ambitious, disrespectful person when you seemingly have a lot going for you? Let me answer that. He has convinced you that he is the one and he is not. You will end up supporting him, emotionally and financially, and he will continue to sit on his ass. That is not the life that any young lady should choose for herself. You do not have to have a man every single day of your life. It should not be about what is behind door A, B, and C and being forced to chose someone inappropriate. You can be alone for a while, if need be.
Something tells me that you are going to stay with the current man and allow him to ruin your life, only to find yourself five years down the road living in misery and feeling stuck. Things are not going to get better. You cannot and will not change him. Only he can change himself. You cannot make him the man you desire and he cannot be a man that he is incapable of being. I know it is hard. It is never easy to give up once you realize you are fighting a losing battle but trust me, once you relinquish the ones that hurt you, someone will come along that is worthy of being in your life.
Blessings,
Zane
In November, my ex and I broke up after eight months. He cheated. I pulled myself back together and moved on. I met a new guy and he seemed heaven sent. He went to church with me and spent time doing everything the last wouldn't. The only thing is he and I argued every other day over little things. We would break up get back together over and over. I'm not the easiest person to deal with, so I dealt with it. The new guy isn't in a good position, no real friends, family won't help, no car, no place to live. I am a full time grad student and I live with my mom.
He wanted me to cosign on a loan and my mom rescued me from making that poor decision by offering him our couch. He wasn't motivated to get another job or a new one. He would basically drop me off at school and sit around the campus until I was out of class. That got old really quickly. I found out he didn't want his family to help him. His father had him a job in his hometown. He didn't want to work. So I let him go back to his situation in his hometown.
We tried the long distance but he'd freak out when I didn't want to drive the forty five minutes to get him and 45 minutes back home so he could stay the night or two. He'd throw tantrums to get his way and then break up with me if I stuck to my guns. This last break up I told him if he wanted to leave I wouldn't stop him that it would be the last time he'd break up with me. So now he's calling and texting me, crying and telling me he loves me and that he wants to marry me. I do care about him but the situation is even more complicated by the ex that cheated.
He has been telling me how much he misses me and wants to rebuild our relationship but he hasn't been showing the effort except inviting me to his place to cuddle. I miss him. So now I'm stuck between two men one who says he loves me and wants a lifetime with me but we can't go without arguing and one who I know loves me but is so scared to commit he sabotaged our relationship. My mind keeps saying try with the new guy. My heart says go to the old who has it together and I don't argue with. And I'm also scared that my relationship with the new guy will turn into a domestic violence situation. We've been on the cusp several times. We've both gotten physical. Me more so than him, after he destroyed property of mine. When he was here, I had to report my comings and goings. He accused me of cheating with one of my classmates. So I see possible warnings in him and myself.
I know I shouldn't think about dating my ex again because of the cheating. He had no reason to seek sex elsewhere. I was begging him to have sex with me more than the once a week he was doing. I don't know what to do about either man. I'm torn between the two. Any advice?
Signed,
Tired and Torn
Dear Tired and Torn,
My advice is that it is better to be alone than to be a fool over love. There is no mandate that states you have to make a choice between two men that mean you no good. Let’s start with the easier of the two; the one who cheated. The fact that you were not only willing to have sex with him more often, but begged him for sex (something you should never have to do), and he cheated anyway means that he is simply a man who desires more than one woman. You said that he has been putting forth little effort to prove that he wants you back and it might be as simple you are an easy solution to a current drought for him. I hate to put it that way but if a man feels a woman is vulnerable to him and that he can get some easy sex, then often he will whisper the right sweet nothings to get his sexual fix. Basically, you need to leave his ass alone.
The other man is a disaster waiting to happen. My mind is boggled that your mind is telling you to be with the new man. What man? A man does not sleep on his girlfriend’s mother’s couch. A man works for a living. A MAN is just about everything that your BOY is not. The possible domestic violence should be the catalyst for you to run for the hills. Anyone who can drive you to violence, and who is destroying your personal property, does not belong in your life. It amazes me that something that should be so clear is escaping you. Why would you put yourself in a situation with an unemployed, car-less, non-ambitious, disrespectful person when you seemingly have a lot going for you? Let me answer that. He has convinced you that he is the one and he is not. You will end up supporting him, emotionally and financially, and he will continue to sit on his ass. That is not the life that any young lady should choose for herself. You do not have to have a man every single day of your life. It should not be about what is behind door A, B, and C and being forced to chose someone inappropriate. You can be alone for a while, if need be.
Something tells me that you are going to stay with the current man and allow him to ruin your life, only to find yourself five years down the road living in misery and feeling stuck. Things are not going to get better. You cannot and will not change him. Only he can change himself. You cannot make him the man you desire and he cannot be a man that he is incapable of being. I know it is hard. It is never easy to give up once you realize you are fighting a losing battle but trust me, once you relinquish the ones that hurt you, someone will come along that is worthy of being in your life.
Blessings,
Zane
Desperate for Answers
Dear Zane,
I just want to say that I have followed your work from day one and I love your writing!
I hope my situation isn't too confusing but I really need some answers on what to do about my so-called "boyfriend". Okay, we have known each other for six years and we are living in two separate states; he is in North Carolina and I am in VA, we're not that far apart, we're like 45 minutes away. Anyway, it is still hard for us to get together on a regular. We have lost touch over the years because my family moved back to VA from North Carolina after only a short time. But we always seem to get back in contact and just recently we have gotten back together.
The problem is that during the holidays when he didn't have anything, no money, I treated him, meaning I gave him money, bought him things, put him up in a hotel room so that he would have some place to sleep on Christmas Eve. I even bought him a Christmas gift, which I know I probably shouldn't have done knowing that he didn't get me anything. But soon after that I began to feel used by him, he never offered to pay me back for the time when I gave him money for a light bill and I really didn't have it to spare but I wanted to help; he never bought me anything to make up for Christmas and this past Valentine's Day he didn't get me anything. I have begun thinking that he doesn't appreciate me or the sweet things that I do/have did for him. And for the past two months he doesn't even call me on the regular like he used to. Whenever I ask him why he hasn't called he always has a lame excuse and me being young and stupid I believe it knowing that it's bull shit.
He used to call almost every night throughout the week, now he just calls on Saturdays while he's at work and he always expects me to come to him when he asks just so that we can have a quickie. I admit that I have jumped when he said jump and every time I feel used and the worst part is when we do get together we don't go anywhere, we don't do anything but sit in his car and have sex. And we rarely see each other and when he does call he never has anything to say to me. I have also begun to think that he's hiding something from me and that he's sleeping with someone else. I wouldn't put it past him if he was, it just hurts me to think that because he tells me all the time that he loves me, cares for me, and wants to marry me someday.
I'm only twenty-two and I'm so stressed out behind him. When it comes to relationships I am needy for affection and attention and I just want a man who really cares about me and calls me just to say hey. And another thing, the last time he called me he called to ask if I would come pick him up from his job which is close to where I live but I asked him why he couldn't come to me and he had another excuse! He said that his license was suspended! I don't know if I should continue with this relationship but I have loved him for six years and I'm not so sure I want to end things with him. He doesn't know anything about my feelings and the way I feel about the situation because I never told him or talked to him about it and he rarely opens up to me about his feelings either. So, what should I do? Should I break up with him for good or should I continue with it and hope everything turns out for the best? Thank you in advance!
Signed,
Desperate for Answers
Dear Desperate for Answers,
Honestly, you already have all the answers. Your email lies out specific reasons why you should not be even entertaining giving him the time of day. Yet, you are. The one thing that stands out clearly to me is that he has you stressed out and stress can kill not only your spirit, but your body. No relationship is worth that. He is a taker and you are a giver. He tells you what you want to hear and you sop it up like a sponge. You want to believe that he is sincere, even though his actions prove anything but. You keep quiet about how you feel because you want to spare his feelings, even though you know that he does not give a damn about yours. You ask me what you should do about him when you know already that he is systematically destroying the most important part of your life: you.
You have put six years into him, so now you feel like you should keep hoping for a change that is never going to come instead of deciding that today has to be the last day for him in your world. You have spent some money on him, so now you are waiting for him to appreciate it, possibly pay you back or reciprocate with gifts and acts of kindness. Dinosaurs will probably re-inhabit the earth first.
There are many men who would cherish a woman like you. He is not one of them. He does not see you in that light. He sees you as a pawn in his game; a game that you are willingly playing. The only thing that makes sense for you to do is to cut him out of your life, go through the healing process, and learn from your mistakes and experiences. You are so caught up that it has to be all or nothing; you cannot wean yourself off of him. He is your drug. Do not overdose. Check yourself into rehab.
Blessings,
Zane
I just want to say that I have followed your work from day one and I love your writing!
I hope my situation isn't too confusing but I really need some answers on what to do about my so-called "boyfriend". Okay, we have known each other for six years and we are living in two separate states; he is in North Carolina and I am in VA, we're not that far apart, we're like 45 minutes away. Anyway, it is still hard for us to get together on a regular. We have lost touch over the years because my family moved back to VA from North Carolina after only a short time. But we always seem to get back in contact and just recently we have gotten back together.
The problem is that during the holidays when he didn't have anything, no money, I treated him, meaning I gave him money, bought him things, put him up in a hotel room so that he would have some place to sleep on Christmas Eve. I even bought him a Christmas gift, which I know I probably shouldn't have done knowing that he didn't get me anything. But soon after that I began to feel used by him, he never offered to pay me back for the time when I gave him money for a light bill and I really didn't have it to spare but I wanted to help; he never bought me anything to make up for Christmas and this past Valentine's Day he didn't get me anything. I have begun thinking that he doesn't appreciate me or the sweet things that I do/have did for him. And for the past two months he doesn't even call me on the regular like he used to. Whenever I ask him why he hasn't called he always has a lame excuse and me being young and stupid I believe it knowing that it's bull shit.
He used to call almost every night throughout the week, now he just calls on Saturdays while he's at work and he always expects me to come to him when he asks just so that we can have a quickie. I admit that I have jumped when he said jump and every time I feel used and the worst part is when we do get together we don't go anywhere, we don't do anything but sit in his car and have sex. And we rarely see each other and when he does call he never has anything to say to me. I have also begun to think that he's hiding something from me and that he's sleeping with someone else. I wouldn't put it past him if he was, it just hurts me to think that because he tells me all the time that he loves me, cares for me, and wants to marry me someday.
I'm only twenty-two and I'm so stressed out behind him. When it comes to relationships I am needy for affection and attention and I just want a man who really cares about me and calls me just to say hey. And another thing, the last time he called me he called to ask if I would come pick him up from his job which is close to where I live but I asked him why he couldn't come to me and he had another excuse! He said that his license was suspended! I don't know if I should continue with this relationship but I have loved him for six years and I'm not so sure I want to end things with him. He doesn't know anything about my feelings and the way I feel about the situation because I never told him or talked to him about it and he rarely opens up to me about his feelings either. So, what should I do? Should I break up with him for good or should I continue with it and hope everything turns out for the best? Thank you in advance!
Signed,
Desperate for Answers
Dear Desperate for Answers,
Honestly, you already have all the answers. Your email lies out specific reasons why you should not be even entertaining giving him the time of day. Yet, you are. The one thing that stands out clearly to me is that he has you stressed out and stress can kill not only your spirit, but your body. No relationship is worth that. He is a taker and you are a giver. He tells you what you want to hear and you sop it up like a sponge. You want to believe that he is sincere, even though his actions prove anything but. You keep quiet about how you feel because you want to spare his feelings, even though you know that he does not give a damn about yours. You ask me what you should do about him when you know already that he is systematically destroying the most important part of your life: you.
You have put six years into him, so now you feel like you should keep hoping for a change that is never going to come instead of deciding that today has to be the last day for him in your world. You have spent some money on him, so now you are waiting for him to appreciate it, possibly pay you back or reciprocate with gifts and acts of kindness. Dinosaurs will probably re-inhabit the earth first.
There are many men who would cherish a woman like you. He is not one of them. He does not see you in that light. He sees you as a pawn in his game; a game that you are willingly playing. The only thing that makes sense for you to do is to cut him out of your life, go through the healing process, and learn from your mistakes and experiences. You are so caught up that it has to be all or nothing; you cannot wean yourself off of him. He is your drug. Do not overdose. Check yourself into rehab.
Blessings,
Zane
A New Type of Math
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________
OFFICE ARITHMETICS
mart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
____________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________
OFFICE ARITHMETICS
mart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
____________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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