You have really helped me to be sexually open with men. I have been with my partner of three years; she is my first lesbian relationship and sexual partner. We get along fine and are the best of friends but, sexually, we are drifting apart. I will admit that it has resulted with me cheating last year. She forgave me and moved past it. Since then, we have tried some new things—all my ideas—but my sexual appetite is still not satisfied. Is it me? I’m starting to feel like an addict. She isn’t as sexually open as I prefer. Part of me wants to put the relationship on hold for a while to explore, but I feel that it’s not worth the risk of losing her. Usually, I am good at making decisions but I am really confused on what to do. Please help.
Dear Virgin Lez,
I would be very curious to know if you cheated on her with a man or a woman. Since you said “she is” your first lesbian relationship and sexual partner, I am going to make the assumption that you cheated with a man. Therein might lie the real problem. Could it be that you are not satisfied because you still have a yearning for men?
I do not believe that you are an addict. Too many people use that term much too loosely. Yes, sexual addiction is a real disease and I have written much about it but unless you are running around sleeping with random strangers without thinking about it first, you are not an addict. What you are is unsatisfied with your current situation. You are not sexually compatible with your lover, and that may or may not have something to do with her being female. Yet and still, you want something that she is not providing and neither one of you is to blame. People are just people and the most important thing in life it so be happy.
If you ask to take a break, chances are that you will be permanently ending the intimate relationship. Think about it. If someone told you that they wanted to take a break to explore other possibilities, you would think that it meant you were not considered good enough for them; especially after three years. Most people are not going to risk having their heart broken by the same person twice; the sting is bad enough the first time.
You need to decide what your true feelings are for this woman. Three years is a huge chunk out of life in the true perspective of things. If everything else is going okay, you might want to stick it out, but only you can decide how important sex is to you. At least you are having sex together. There are a ton of couples that have not slept together in years, but put on pretenses for the kids and other onlookers. You have not cheated since last year and that is a good sign but you need to determine why it happened and how you can prevent it from happening again. If you cannot figure those two things out, you may need to put her well-being first and set her free. Otherwise, it is all destined to happen again.