Engaged to One Man but In Love With Another

Dear Zane,

I’m in a very confusing, stressful situation. I’m caught in a love triangle. I’m currently engaged to be married to a man that I like to convince myself that I love. On the other hand, I’m in love with another man. Both have something the other doesn’t have but my lover is that one that I’m more attracted to physically… and sexually. I’ve tried to forget my lover many times, but I can’t resist. I can’t leave my fiancé because we have so much together. I really don’t know how to decide. Please, Zane, help me!

Signed,
Stressed and Confused

Dear Stressed and Confused,

You are not going to want to hear my answer but I suspect you have already come to the same conclusion. You are obviously with your fiancé because the two of you are tied together financially. You probably live together in a nice home, have comingled finances, and are, on the surface, building a stable life in unity. However, you are trying to convince yourself that you love him but you know for a fact that you are “in love” with the other man.

You cannot control your feelings and if you cannot resist your lover before the wedding, you will not be able to stay away from him after the nuptials. That begs the question: why get married in the first place if you are not going to be true to your vows? I seriously doubt that the other man loves you. Most men will not share a woman sexually that they have deep feelings for. He considers you a “sex piece” and is probably enjoying the fact that he is getting it whenever he wants it without having to make a commitment. He does not have that worry because another man has already done it.

You are wrong, point blank, and nothing good can continue with you going on this path. My suggestion is that you break off your engagement because you do not even love the man. He deserves better and even though there will be initial drama and heartbreak, it is better to do it now than 5-10 years down the road when children are involved and you are tied together even more financially. What you are doing it not fair and you would not want him to be with you for material reasons and be sleeping with another woman for love.

As for the other man, you would be delusional to think that he would ever see you as a serious prospect for marriage after this. Now, in my vast history of experience, I know of one man who married a woman that he had initially had an affair with while she was married to someone else. And yes, she ended up cheating on him also later on down the road. You really need to get yourself together INDEPENDENTLY and not allow yourself to be defined by the man—or men—that occupy your bed. I do not honestly expect you to take my advice. Like I said, you more-than-likely knew all of this already but since you asked, here it is.

Blessings,
Zane