Dear Zane,
First and foremost, allow me to say thank you for novels that are intensifying to the mind, body and soul! My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, on and off. We both decided to give up the lives we once led to share one together. He is twenty-seven with one child and I am twenty-six with no offspring…at the moment! This is the first consistent year that we have been together. We now live together. However, he is beginning his law career in another state next year and asked me to come with him. I happily agreed. Because of our past, I wanted to take precautions. Would it be absurd for me to insist that we become engaged before we continue our journey together?
Signed,
Needed Advice
Dear Needed Advice,
What would be absurd is for you not to insist on being engaged—or better yet married—before you move with him to another state. While you are both still relatively young (under 30), six years is long enough for anyone to test drive a vehicle for any journey, like the one you have agreed to take together. You already live together, you have accepted his child, but now you are planning to make a huge sacrifice by following the man across state lines. I commend you for wanting to make sure that you will not find yourself in a crazy predicament after giving up so much to be with him. If he is not ready to get married, or at least ready to start making preparations to get married, you should reconsider the move. That does not mean that the relationship has to end but you certainly have to protect your best interest.
Blessings,
Zane
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Momma's Boy or a Concerned Son and Great Catch?: An Advice Question
Dear Zane,
I have had problems with women for a long time. I wanted to quit dealing with them altogether and concentrate on work for the rest of my life, but then I found a good woman. The relationship started off nice and slow, but she wanted to speed things up. Everything started to fall apart since she rushed it. I haven’t cheated on her or anything like that.
The thing is that she wants me to spend the night with her, but she waits until the last minute to ask. Memorial Day Weekend was the worst. I was invited to her father’s to meet him for the first time. He was the coolest O.G. that I have ever met and the rest of the family was cool, too. As we left to go home, she said a lot of things since she had consumed three drinks.
I reside with my mother because she is sick. I try to make sure that she is okay and handle some of the bills. My so-called girlfriend called me a “Momma’s Boy” because I wouldn’t spend the night with her. I prefer to plan things ahead of time. We were only supposed to be going to her father’s house to eat and hang out with the family. I am not happy in this relationship. It has gotten so bad that I have completely lost my sex drive. Please help me out with any advice. I am thinking about leaving her and go back to working until I can’t work anymore.
Signed,
Not a Momma’s Boy
Dear Not a Momma’s Boy,
Let me start by saying that even if this current relationship ends, you cannot conclude that burying yourself in work is the only alternative. I understand that you have had a string of bad relationships but you have to keep that door of possibilities open. There is a lovely young lady out there that would accept you as you are and love you. The two of you have to simply have the same priorities in life and she has to be understanding.
It is a wonderful thing that you are so concerned about your mother. Some “selfish” women will see that as a negative but other “smarter” women will realize that if you are capable of sacrificing so much for your mother, that means that you would do the same for your wife. I would not give up on your current relationship so quickly. There was something that drew you to her in the first place; something that made you take a chance. That something is still there. What you have to do is have a serious discussion with her. Let her know that you considered her statements to be disrespectful and that, unless she plans to change her outlook, you no longer will be aroused by her. Either she is willing to change or she is not. If she goes to calling you names again, then she is probably too selfish or immature to appreciate you. Work ethics are a good thing but never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Blessings,
Zane
I have had problems with women for a long time. I wanted to quit dealing with them altogether and concentrate on work for the rest of my life, but then I found a good woman. The relationship started off nice and slow, but she wanted to speed things up. Everything started to fall apart since she rushed it. I haven’t cheated on her or anything like that.
The thing is that she wants me to spend the night with her, but she waits until the last minute to ask. Memorial Day Weekend was the worst. I was invited to her father’s to meet him for the first time. He was the coolest O.G. that I have ever met and the rest of the family was cool, too. As we left to go home, she said a lot of things since she had consumed three drinks.
I reside with my mother because she is sick. I try to make sure that she is okay and handle some of the bills. My so-called girlfriend called me a “Momma’s Boy” because I wouldn’t spend the night with her. I prefer to plan things ahead of time. We were only supposed to be going to her father’s house to eat and hang out with the family. I am not happy in this relationship. It has gotten so bad that I have completely lost my sex drive. Please help me out with any advice. I am thinking about leaving her and go back to working until I can’t work anymore.
Signed,
Not a Momma’s Boy
Dear Not a Momma’s Boy,
Let me start by saying that even if this current relationship ends, you cannot conclude that burying yourself in work is the only alternative. I understand that you have had a string of bad relationships but you have to keep that door of possibilities open. There is a lovely young lady out there that would accept you as you are and love you. The two of you have to simply have the same priorities in life and she has to be understanding.
It is a wonderful thing that you are so concerned about your mother. Some “selfish” women will see that as a negative but other “smarter” women will realize that if you are capable of sacrificing so much for your mother, that means that you would do the same for your wife. I would not give up on your current relationship so quickly. There was something that drew you to her in the first place; something that made you take a chance. That something is still there. What you have to do is have a serious discussion with her. Let her know that you considered her statements to be disrespectful and that, unless she plans to change her outlook, you no longer will be aroused by her. Either she is willing to change or she is not. If she goes to calling you names again, then she is probably too selfish or immature to appreciate you. Work ethics are a good thing but never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Blessings,
Zane
Monday, January 12, 2009
When You Fall In Love With a Friend
Dear Zane,
I need some advice from you. Hopefully, you can help me out. I am in love with a friend. We've known each other for about three years now. We practically know each other's life stories. I've met her mother, sisters, aunt, grandmother and some of her friends. She has met the majority of my family and some of my friends as well. We've never been intimate.
I've expressed my feelings towards her and she told me that she loved me. We've visited each other in the hospital. (She was injured on the job and I had pneumonia). She even got into an argument with my ex-girlfriend over the phone regarding me. However, she always introduces me as her friend. I asked her about a potential relationship. She said that she had been hurt in the past and said that she had trust issues. She wants to remain single and just date right now.
Is this her way of saying that she's not interested in me or is she just not ready for a relationship? I would like to thank you for helping me with this matter. I will be anxiously awaiting your response.
Signed,
Wanting to Be in the Know
Dear Wanting to Be in the Know,
There could be various reasons why she is saying that. First off, she may be completely honest in stating that she is not ready for a relationship. I have been there many times myself. It takes a wise man or woman to realize that they are not in a good enough place to involve someone else in their lives. We all have to take time to heal from the past but most people do not; they jump from relationship to relationship when they are not relationship material.
It could also be that she does not have romantic feelings toward you and only wants to remain friends but cannot bring herself to tell you the truth. Either way, you have to respect her wishes. If she comes to a place where she feels that something can happen between you, then she will tell you. Unless that happens, you have to accept her decisions. You two did not meet under the understanding that a relationship was trying to blossom so there cannot be an automatic shift in the scenario without two willing parties.
Blessings,
Zane
I need some advice from you. Hopefully, you can help me out. I am in love with a friend. We've known each other for about three years now. We practically know each other's life stories. I've met her mother, sisters, aunt, grandmother and some of her friends. She has met the majority of my family and some of my friends as well. We've never been intimate.
I've expressed my feelings towards her and she told me that she loved me. We've visited each other in the hospital. (She was injured on the job and I had pneumonia). She even got into an argument with my ex-girlfriend over the phone regarding me. However, she always introduces me as her friend. I asked her about a potential relationship. She said that she had been hurt in the past and said that she had trust issues. She wants to remain single and just date right now.
Is this her way of saying that she's not interested in me or is she just not ready for a relationship? I would like to thank you for helping me with this matter. I will be anxiously awaiting your response.
Signed,
Wanting to Be in the Know
Dear Wanting to Be in the Know,
There could be various reasons why she is saying that. First off, she may be completely honest in stating that she is not ready for a relationship. I have been there many times myself. It takes a wise man or woman to realize that they are not in a good enough place to involve someone else in their lives. We all have to take time to heal from the past but most people do not; they jump from relationship to relationship when they are not relationship material.
It could also be that she does not have romantic feelings toward you and only wants to remain friends but cannot bring herself to tell you the truth. Either way, you have to respect her wishes. If she comes to a place where she feels that something can happen between you, then she will tell you. Unless that happens, you have to accept her decisions. You two did not meet under the understanding that a relationship was trying to blossom so there cannot be an automatic shift in the scenario without two willing parties.
Blessings,
Zane
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Text Message Love-NOT!
Dear Zane,
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
I have a serious question
I have a serious question
After reading and answering so many advice mails over the past decade, now I have a question. Have you ever known your mate was cheating and still performed oral sex on them? To me, I cannot fathom knowing that my man's dick is going in and out of some other woman and then I am putting my mouth on it. We have all heard the lines like, "Every time you're kissing him, you're tasting my pussy." That is another point. Do you have an issue kissing a person that you know might have had a mouth full of dick or pussy a few hours ago?
Blessings,
Zane
After reading and answering so many advice mails over the past decade, now I have a question. Have you ever known your mate was cheating and still performed oral sex on them? To me, I cannot fathom knowing that my man's dick is going in and out of some other woman and then I am putting my mouth on it. We have all heard the lines like, "Every time you're kissing him, you're tasting my pussy." That is another point. Do you have an issue kissing a person that you know might have had a mouth full of dick or pussy a few hours ago?
Blessings,
Zane
Ready to Give Up on Love in a Day
Dear Zane,
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
Star Struck and Dogged Out
Dear Zane,
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
Monday, November 3, 2008
Forced Into Virginity: An Advice Question
I am a seventeen year old girl. And I am still a virgin. I was raised in a strict Christian household and taught to safe sex for marriage. I have experimented with both oral sex and masturbation but my sister makes me feel like I'm a slut for wanting to be more sexual active. Sometimes I feel like I should save my virginity (the ultimate gift) for my husband, but then sometimes I really become curious. I feel like I'm being forced to stay a virgin sometimes, what should I do??
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
What Signs Tell A Woman if a Man is a Good Lover?
What are your thoughts? What type of signs can tell a woman if a man has it going on in bed?
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Zane, I have had a long distance relationship with this guy for a year now. He is seven years older than I am and was married but his wife died suddenly some years ago. I got the vibe that I should be careful of his feelings because of this and he told me he hadn't had sex since his wife. Anyway, we had sex for the first time and it was bad!!! His kisses were like a chicken pecking on me and he was so fast at everything. Even when I said slower or slow down it just was not slow enough. He kept telling me how "good and hard" he was going to give it to me, but when I got it, I was turned off. I told him what I liked but it was like he wasn't listening. I like him but I am not sure I can deal with having sex with him. Should I tell him I think we should just be friends?
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Zane,
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Is Another Man Ever the Answer?
Dear Zane,
First let me say that I LOVE your books. I wish I were more like you with your sexuality, open and free. Here's my issue....My husband and I have been married for 6 years but we've been together for 16, since we were 14. We have 3 adorable children together and he is a great father and provider but our sex life is like wet bread, soggy and of no use. My sex drive is so low, I hardly ever desire to do it. I get horny about twice a month but at that time he acts disinterested so it goes away. We have sex maybe once or twice a month and it is the same old routine...He kisses me, sucks my titties for a minute or two (which is fine by me because nipple stimulation does nothing for me, it's actually irritating), tries to enter me, then determines it's not wet enough, then goes down on me. I have a clitoral orgasm, he gets up, fucks me real quick, and it’s over. The whole time I'm faking as if it's good when in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Will you hurry the fuck up?"
I am so bored that I really am considering finding someone else to sex me. I have been with 2 others but only briefly and I feel like I' missing out on something more. We have in the past done just about everything you have suggested in your manual, How to Fuck a Man, but none of that works anymore. Every now and then we try something new but it does absolutely nothing for me. He pretends to be happy with the way things are, when he does get some, but I know he can't be if I'm not. I think most of my problem is the fact that he cheated on me a couple of years ago and I haven't trusted him since. I know I should have let his ass go but I didn't because I do love him and felt that things could work. If our sex life doesn't get better, I may do the same thing he did to me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I don't masturbate because it does nothing for me. I've tried a few times and it felt like a waste of time. What else am I supposed to do? Please help me get some sexual release.
Signed,
Seriously In Need
Dear Seriously In Need,
Cheating is never the solution. In this case, you both have already cheated and that is not surprising, being that you have been together since you were fourteen years old. But you are both thirty now, and you have three kids. That changes everything. By no means am I going to encourage you or anyone to cheat. That is never the answer. I suggest counseling, if the two of you cannot work it out together. Did his cheating upset you? What do you think your cheating will do to him? The fact that you have already stepped out twice means that your marriage is in serious jeopardy. If the two of you cannot be faithful, you need to evaluate your entire marriage. Bringing other people into the situation never makes sense and it always makes things worse.
Blessings,
Zane
First let me say that I LOVE your books. I wish I were more like you with your sexuality, open and free. Here's my issue....My husband and I have been married for 6 years but we've been together for 16, since we were 14. We have 3 adorable children together and he is a great father and provider but our sex life is like wet bread, soggy and of no use. My sex drive is so low, I hardly ever desire to do it. I get horny about twice a month but at that time he acts disinterested so it goes away. We have sex maybe once or twice a month and it is the same old routine...He kisses me, sucks my titties for a minute or two (which is fine by me because nipple stimulation does nothing for me, it's actually irritating), tries to enter me, then determines it's not wet enough, then goes down on me. I have a clitoral orgasm, he gets up, fucks me real quick, and it’s over. The whole time I'm faking as if it's good when in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Will you hurry the fuck up?"
I am so bored that I really am considering finding someone else to sex me. I have been with 2 others but only briefly and I feel like I' missing out on something more. We have in the past done just about everything you have suggested in your manual, How to Fuck a Man, but none of that works anymore. Every now and then we try something new but it does absolutely nothing for me. He pretends to be happy with the way things are, when he does get some, but I know he can't be if I'm not. I think most of my problem is the fact that he cheated on me a couple of years ago and I haven't trusted him since. I know I should have let his ass go but I didn't because I do love him and felt that things could work. If our sex life doesn't get better, I may do the same thing he did to me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I don't masturbate because it does nothing for me. I've tried a few times and it felt like a waste of time. What else am I supposed to do? Please help me get some sexual release.
Signed,
Seriously In Need
Dear Seriously In Need,
Cheating is never the solution. In this case, you both have already cheated and that is not surprising, being that you have been together since you were fourteen years old. But you are both thirty now, and you have three kids. That changes everything. By no means am I going to encourage you or anyone to cheat. That is never the answer. I suggest counseling, if the two of you cannot work it out together. Did his cheating upset you? What do you think your cheating will do to him? The fact that you have already stepped out twice means that your marriage is in serious jeopardy. If the two of you cannot be faithful, you need to evaluate your entire marriage. Bringing other people into the situation never makes sense and it always makes things worse.
Blessings,
Zane
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Zane,
I am a new reader of your books and I love them. I got all of your books but, anyway, I have a situation. I had been with my baby’s daddy for seven years and we just broke up last year. He left me for some crazy white girl. He couldn’t even tell me the real deal. My son had to tell me. But we have still been having sex the entire time he has been with her. The thing is, before we broke up, she knew we were together but she didn’t care. The chick was even bold enough to come up in my face when I was pregnant and lied and told me that she wasn’t messing with him when she was.
We still act like we are together. He does things for me that he had never done when we were together. We have three kids together and he keeps telling me that we wants to come back but claims that he is in a messed-up situation when it comes to her. Let’s get straight to the point. I love the hell out of him. I tried letting go but it hurts too badly and he cannot seem to let go of me either. Anytime he sees me out with my friends, he thinks that their boyfriends are with me and he acts a damn fool. It makes me want to go run and hide. I even tried to stop having sex with him but that didn’t work. I tried dating but he is all I think about. Hell, I just feel stuck.
By the way, I am his first love and he is my first as well. So what do you think I should do because I want him her with me. He wants to leave her but he doesn’t know how to leave because she is really stuck on him. I don’t know the real reason this is happening. I think it’s because of the money she gives him, or it could be that he is in love with her. I am hurting and he knows this because he tells me all the time and he apologizes a lot. He also calls me crying, telling me how bad he realizes that he fucked up when it comes to me. I need your advice. Please help.
Signed,
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Completely Lost But Definitely In Love,
You use the word “stuck” a few times in this email and you are right, all of you are stuck on stupidity. It is ironic that I was laying in bed sick this morning, watching Jerry Springer, and the thought went through my head that I would love to do a talk show called “Stuck on Stupid” where I could sit down and talk to some of the women I see on these shows fighting over no-good men.
Everyone is trying. You are trying to stop having sex with him. He is trying to leave the other woman. You are trying to date other people. He is trying to make amends for fucking another woman that he is still fucking. Here is the cold hard truth. Even though he is the father of your three kids, he is not your man but you are his woman. You are not seeing anyone else but he can do whatever he likes, whenever he likes. The other woman—regardless of her face—chose to go after someone else’s man. The fact that you were pregnant makes her even more desperate and she is getting exactly what she asked for—an unfaithful man.
If it were not for the fact that he fathered your children, I would tell you to stay away from him altogether. You are in a very bad place. You have convinced yourself that this man cares about you, even though his actions speak volumes to the exact opposite. He only cares about himself and women tend to allow men to tell them anything and believe it is the gospel. Men realize that they can be as trifling as they want to be but as long as they whisper the right things in our ears, we will fall for the game.
Young lady, this situation will never change. It might go into rotation, meaning he may dump the other woman and come back to you long enough to gauge out his next victim. Then he will be gone again but still coming through to jump between your legs at whim. Why? Because you allow it and only you can stop it. If need be, make arrangements for him to see his kids in a public place, if you feel like you cannot be alone with him without wanting his sex. He may be your first love but you are his biggest fool. The other woman is a fool as well but let him go be her problem.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a new reader of your books and I love them. I got all of your books but, anyway, I have a situation. I had been with my baby’s daddy for seven years and we just broke up last year. He left me for some crazy white girl. He couldn’t even tell me the real deal. My son had to tell me. But we have still been having sex the entire time he has been with her. The thing is, before we broke up, she knew we were together but she didn’t care. The chick was even bold enough to come up in my face when I was pregnant and lied and told me that she wasn’t messing with him when she was.
We still act like we are together. He does things for me that he had never done when we were together. We have three kids together and he keeps telling me that we wants to come back but claims that he is in a messed-up situation when it comes to her. Let’s get straight to the point. I love the hell out of him. I tried letting go but it hurts too badly and he cannot seem to let go of me either. Anytime he sees me out with my friends, he thinks that their boyfriends are with me and he acts a damn fool. It makes me want to go run and hide. I even tried to stop having sex with him but that didn’t work. I tried dating but he is all I think about. Hell, I just feel stuck.
By the way, I am his first love and he is my first as well. So what do you think I should do because I want him her with me. He wants to leave her but he doesn’t know how to leave because she is really stuck on him. I don’t know the real reason this is happening. I think it’s because of the money she gives him, or it could be that he is in love with her. I am hurting and he knows this because he tells me all the time and he apologizes a lot. He also calls me crying, telling me how bad he realizes that he fucked up when it comes to me. I need your advice. Please help.
Signed,
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Completely Lost But Definitely In Love,
You use the word “stuck” a few times in this email and you are right, all of you are stuck on stupidity. It is ironic that I was laying in bed sick this morning, watching Jerry Springer, and the thought went through my head that I would love to do a talk show called “Stuck on Stupid” where I could sit down and talk to some of the women I see on these shows fighting over no-good men.
Everyone is trying. You are trying to stop having sex with him. He is trying to leave the other woman. You are trying to date other people. He is trying to make amends for fucking another woman that he is still fucking. Here is the cold hard truth. Even though he is the father of your three kids, he is not your man but you are his woman. You are not seeing anyone else but he can do whatever he likes, whenever he likes. The other woman—regardless of her face—chose to go after someone else’s man. The fact that you were pregnant makes her even more desperate and she is getting exactly what she asked for—an unfaithful man.
If it were not for the fact that he fathered your children, I would tell you to stay away from him altogether. You are in a very bad place. You have convinced yourself that this man cares about you, even though his actions speak volumes to the exact opposite. He only cares about himself and women tend to allow men to tell them anything and believe it is the gospel. Men realize that they can be as trifling as they want to be but as long as they whisper the right things in our ears, we will fall for the game.
Young lady, this situation will never change. It might go into rotation, meaning he may dump the other woman and come back to you long enough to gauge out his next victim. Then he will be gone again but still coming through to jump between your legs at whim. Why? Because you allow it and only you can stop it. If need be, make arrangements for him to see his kids in a public place, if you feel like you cannot be alone with him without wanting his sex. He may be your first love but you are his biggest fool. The other woman is a fool as well but let him go be her problem.
Blessings,
Zane
Come Celebrate the Election at POSH with Zane
COME JOIN ZANE AT POSH TO CELEBRATE THE ELECTION
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
6-10 PM
POSH Restaurant and Supper Club
730 11th Street, NW Washington, DC 20001
202-393-0975
Book Signing
$2 Bar Appetizers
$25 3-Course Prix Fixe Menu
Please call restaurant directly to make reservations.
ADDICTED(First Course) Lobster BisqueBlended with herbs and spices with a drizzle of pesto Posh SaladStrawberries, mangoes, with a drizzle of raspberry dressing Sautéed CalamariSpinach, peppers, jalapeños, and green onions INSATIABLE (Second Course) Grilled Sweet Wild Salmon Sweet corn rice pilaf, sautéed spinach, and a citrus beurre blanc Shrimp and PastaCajun style shrimp tossed in bow tie pasta with a creamy alfredo Fried Chicken QuarterCurry marinated chicken, three cheese mac and cheese, collard greens THE CLIMAX (Third Course) Molten Chocolate cake a la modeSensual Strawberry CheesecakeMini Chocolate Cup Cakes
You can also catch Zane earlier in the day at B. Dalton's in Union Station from 12-2 PM.
Radio One is sponsoring "The World's Largest Office Party."
Usher will be hosting from 12-1 PM.
Zane will also be signing at For Sisters Only on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
From 2-4 PM
The Washington DC Convention Center
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
6-10 PM
POSH Restaurant and Supper Club
730 11th Street, NW Washington, DC 20001
202-393-0975
Book Signing
$2 Bar Appetizers
$25 3-Course Prix Fixe Menu
Please call restaurant directly to make reservations.
ADDICTED(First Course) Lobster BisqueBlended with herbs and spices with a drizzle of pesto Posh SaladStrawberries, mangoes, with a drizzle of raspberry dressing Sautéed CalamariSpinach, peppers, jalapeños, and green onions INSATIABLE (Second Course) Grilled Sweet Wild Salmon Sweet corn rice pilaf, sautéed spinach, and a citrus beurre blanc Shrimp and PastaCajun style shrimp tossed in bow tie pasta with a creamy alfredo Fried Chicken QuarterCurry marinated chicken, three cheese mac and cheese, collard greens THE CLIMAX (Third Course) Molten Chocolate cake a la modeSensual Strawberry CheesecakeMini Chocolate Cup Cakes
You can also catch Zane earlier in the day at B. Dalton's in Union Station from 12-2 PM.
Radio One is sponsoring "The World's Largest Office Party."
Usher will be hosting from 12-1 PM.
Zane will also be signing at For Sisters Only on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
From 2-4 PM
The Washington DC Convention Center
Addicted, The Movie
I have gotten nearly as many emails asking about Addicted, the movie as I have about the Cinemax show. So let me clear some things up. Yes, Addicted will still be a feature film or, like Zoe from the novel says, "There is not a dog in the entire state of Georgia!"
While we ran into a minor hiccup, the good part is that since the television show went into production, there has been a ton of interest from various Hollywood studios to get my work on the big screen. So there will not just be an Addicted but many other films. I will be sure to keep you posted and thanks for all the excitement about the book and turning it into a movie throughout the years.
Blessings,
Zane
While we ran into a minor hiccup, the good part is that since the television show went into production, there has been a ton of interest from various Hollywood studios to get my work on the big screen. So there will not just be an Addicted but many other films. I will be sure to keep you posted and thanks for all the excitement about the book and turning it into a movie throughout the years.
Blessings,
Zane
When You Cheat on a Cheater, Should You Confess
Dear Zane,
If you found out your mate cheated, but you cheated too, in order to move on, would you tell them all you'd done?
I've been dating this guy for about 10 months, and before that we were friends for a few yrs. I found out in Sept that shortly after he moved overseas (2months), he began cheating. It was an ongoing thing that lasted (he says) until August. I found out b/c I checked his email and she'd sent him an email confessing her love for him but saying she knew he was in love with me and didn't feel the same. I'm hurt, of course, by it, and thinking of giving him another chance, for many reasons, but one to include that I cheated on him. I slept with an old friend, my daughter's father, and had my first female-female experience. I haven't told him. He says if I cheated, he wouldn't want to know, but that if he found out, he'd be equally as pissed. I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm any better than him, although it bothers me most that he was practically 'dating' this other girl for 5 months.
In the spirit of us trying to work on things, do you think I should come clean? Or is this something that I should keep to myself and just vow to do better?
Signed,
Also a Cheater
Dear Also a Cheater,
You should tell him the truth, especially since you slept with the father of your child. That man is going to be around for your entire life and it could easily slip out, if he ever gets mad at you. The first thing out of his mouth will be to tell—or brag—to your new man that he slept with you. While there are different degrees of cheating, the end result means that someone cannot be trusted. I agree that he was actually in another relationship for several months with someone else and you need to think long and hard on that one. Fucking someone else one night is one thing but allowing someone else to develop feelings and engaging in consistent cheating means that he will most likely do it again. You should tell him you slept with another woman as well. Get it all out, then there is nothing for you to get caught up with later.
Honestly, the behavior on both of your parts speaks volumes about your relationship. Why are you together? I think that is a question the two of you need to sit down and answer together, possibly with a counselor because if both of you are cheating now, what will happen down the road? This does not seem like a healthy relationship. In fact, it sounds toxic and many people stay in toxic relationships for years—or even decades—thinking that things will change. Face reality; is this what you really want in your life?
Blessings,
Zane
If you found out your mate cheated, but you cheated too, in order to move on, would you tell them all you'd done?
I've been dating this guy for about 10 months, and before that we were friends for a few yrs. I found out in Sept that shortly after he moved overseas (2months), he began cheating. It was an ongoing thing that lasted (he says) until August. I found out b/c I checked his email and she'd sent him an email confessing her love for him but saying she knew he was in love with me and didn't feel the same. I'm hurt, of course, by it, and thinking of giving him another chance, for many reasons, but one to include that I cheated on him. I slept with an old friend, my daughter's father, and had my first female-female experience. I haven't told him. He says if I cheated, he wouldn't want to know, but that if he found out, he'd be equally as pissed. I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm any better than him, although it bothers me most that he was practically 'dating' this other girl for 5 months.
In the spirit of us trying to work on things, do you think I should come clean? Or is this something that I should keep to myself and just vow to do better?
Signed,
Also a Cheater
Dear Also a Cheater,
You should tell him the truth, especially since you slept with the father of your child. That man is going to be around for your entire life and it could easily slip out, if he ever gets mad at you. The first thing out of his mouth will be to tell—or brag—to your new man that he slept with you. While there are different degrees of cheating, the end result means that someone cannot be trusted. I agree that he was actually in another relationship for several months with someone else and you need to think long and hard on that one. Fucking someone else one night is one thing but allowing someone else to develop feelings and engaging in consistent cheating means that he will most likely do it again. You should tell him you slept with another woman as well. Get it all out, then there is nothing for you to get caught up with later.
Honestly, the behavior on both of your parts speaks volumes about your relationship. Why are you together? I think that is a question the two of you need to sit down and answer together, possibly with a counselor because if both of you are cheating now, what will happen down the road? This does not seem like a healthy relationship. In fact, it sounds toxic and many people stay in toxic relationships for years—or even decades—thinking that things will change. Face reality; is this what you really want in your life?
Blessings,
Zane
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