Dear Zane,
I am 25 yrs old, and an educated beautiful black woman. I have been with my man for 7yrs. I love him so much; however, I have caught him cheating several times. The last time I caught him with her and he begged her not to go and completely dismissed me. The next day he said he was sorry and we spent the holidays together like we were okay. However I am still very hurt, it has destroyed my self esteem. I am not close to my family, and I feel I have no one but him. I love him but I know I don't need him. How do I get past this? Every day I think about it I get sick and just want to die. I've never imagined life without him. He is coping very well, and I am the one losing sleep. Please help me.
It’s bigger than him cheating; it has destroyed my self-worth.
Signed,
Please Help
Dear Please Help,
You are literally sacrificing your life for someone else’s happiness. You and your man are in a toxic relationship. He cannot be allowed to have a limitless stack of “get out of jail free” cards. He is a consummate cheater and has no respect for you, or probably even for himself. He has not gotten to the point that men need to reach in order to keep their dicks in their pants. He has not figured out that he is the type of man that should disgust even him.
He is with you probably for the same reasons you are with him; for convenience. He is a comfort zone for you and vice versa; yet there are constant lies and betrayal on his behalf. I understand not being close to your family but you are still entitled to have a life. It will probably be the hardest thing that you have ever done, walking away from him, but if you do not, he will continue to suck the life right out of you—intentionally or unintentionally. He is obviously not willing to change, or he would have already. For him to beg another woman to stay, after being with you for seven years, had to be heart-breaking. I wish you nothing but the best but victory begins with yourself and your own actions. I would hate to see you wake up ten years from now feeling the same way. You are still young and you have a chance to be happy. Take it.
Blessings,
Zane
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, January 12, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
When You Have Lost All Faith in Love
Dear Zane,
I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.
I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.
Signed,
Non-believer
Dear Non-believer,
I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.
There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.
Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?
Blessings,
Zane
I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.
I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.
Signed,
Non-believer
Dear Non-believer,
I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.
There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.
Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?
Blessings,
Zane
Should a Man Have to Lie About His Feelings
This was a very interesting advice email to me because this young man has come to the conclusion that he does not want to lie about his feelings, in order to get a woman. I think a lot of older men could stand to take a lesson from him. Zane
Dear Zane,
I’m young but I know what the meaning of love is, and I’m sick of every woman that I’m in a relationship with throwing that word around like it doesn't have any meaning to them. If they only knew how awkward it felt to hear that and not feel the same way. Now if this only happened a handful of times I would just brush it off, but this has happened frequently. I know that I’m a loveable person but dang!!! I mean it’s gotten so bad that the last three women I have been with have said it in under 2 months. How can u form extreme feelings for a person so quickly?? This causes me to push away from the relationship and often sabotage them. For this reason I don’t really enjoy being in relationships anymore.
Once I even tried explaining to the girl that my feelings toward her haven’t yet escalated that high and it seemed like she understood and even told me that she was okay, but she continued to tell me. She also began to get mad when I wouldn’t say anything back or change the subject WTF!! does she want me to do?? Eventually I had to lie about my feelings for her, and of course she went BALISTIC when I I lost interest in the relationship, so I severed ties with her. My cousin spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said if she sees me walking down the street she’s going to grab me throw me on her couch rape me and brake my @#!$ off WTF!!!!! (Imagine my expression -_-).
I have only been in love once before and I know what it feels like it takes a real bond, connection, and trust to love someone and this takes more than a few months. On top of that someone in love is not willing to let that person slip through their hands so easily.So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my real problem is, what do I do in these situations that women leave me in? Is there some way to tell a woman I don’t love you but don’t get crazy about it? Can I get some help here this is starting to @#$! me off!!!
Signed
THE Love I want is real
Dear The Love I Want Is Real,
Even though you are only 18, you are miles ahead of a lot of older men who insist on lying and claiming to have feelings that they do not have. I appreciate your honestly and the young ladies you are involved with should appreciate it as well. I will not tell someone that I love him if I do not, even if he says it. That is misleading and only leads to deeper issues down the road.
A lot of women equate sex with love and it does not change for some of them, even as they get older. These young ladies probably do feel like they are in love with you because they do not understand it. You should not begin to lie to them to appease them so hold your ground. Tell them you like them, if it is true, but that love takes time to develop and it may or may not even happen. That is not in your hands or hers; we cannot control who we fall in love with.
If you tell a woman that and she goes crazy about it, she is immature. They should be grateful that you are an honest man and not just saying whatever to get their sex. Hold your ground and it will all be okay.
Blessings,
Zane
Dear Zane,
I’m young but I know what the meaning of love is, and I’m sick of every woman that I’m in a relationship with throwing that word around like it doesn't have any meaning to them. If they only knew how awkward it felt to hear that and not feel the same way. Now if this only happened a handful of times I would just brush it off, but this has happened frequently. I know that I’m a loveable person but dang!!! I mean it’s gotten so bad that the last three women I have been with have said it in under 2 months. How can u form extreme feelings for a person so quickly?? This causes me to push away from the relationship and often sabotage them. For this reason I don’t really enjoy being in relationships anymore.
Once I even tried explaining to the girl that my feelings toward her haven’t yet escalated that high and it seemed like she understood and even told me that she was okay, but she continued to tell me. She also began to get mad when I wouldn’t say anything back or change the subject WTF!! does she want me to do?? Eventually I had to lie about my feelings for her, and of course she went BALISTIC when I I lost interest in the relationship, so I severed ties with her. My cousin spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said if she sees me walking down the street she’s going to grab me throw me on her couch rape me and brake my @#!$ off WTF!!!!! (Imagine my expression -_-).
I have only been in love once before and I know what it feels like it takes a real bond, connection, and trust to love someone and this takes more than a few months. On top of that someone in love is not willing to let that person slip through their hands so easily.So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my real problem is, what do I do in these situations that women leave me in? Is there some way to tell a woman I don’t love you but don’t get crazy about it? Can I get some help here this is starting to @#$! me off!!!
Signed
THE Love I want is real
Dear The Love I Want Is Real,
Even though you are only 18, you are miles ahead of a lot of older men who insist on lying and claiming to have feelings that they do not have. I appreciate your honestly and the young ladies you are involved with should appreciate it as well. I will not tell someone that I love him if I do not, even if he says it. That is misleading and only leads to deeper issues down the road.
A lot of women equate sex with love and it does not change for some of them, even as they get older. These young ladies probably do feel like they are in love with you because they do not understand it. You should not begin to lie to them to appease them so hold your ground. Tell them you like them, if it is true, but that love takes time to develop and it may or may not even happen. That is not in your hands or hers; we cannot control who we fall in love with.
If you tell a woman that and she goes crazy about it, she is immature. They should be grateful that you are an honest man and not just saying whatever to get their sex. Hold your ground and it will all be okay.
Blessings,
Zane
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Text Message Love-NOT!
Dear Zane,
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
Immigrant Love
Dear Zane,
I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.
Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.
If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!
Signed,
Immigrant Love
Dear Immigrant Love,
You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.
He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.
I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.
Blessings,
Zane
I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.
Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.
If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!
Signed,
Immigrant Love
Dear Immigrant Love,
You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.
He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.
I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.
Blessings,
Zane
I have a serious question
I have a serious question
After reading and answering so many advice mails over the past decade, now I have a question. Have you ever known your mate was cheating and still performed oral sex on them? To me, I cannot fathom knowing that my man's dick is going in and out of some other woman and then I am putting my mouth on it. We have all heard the lines like, "Every time you're kissing him, you're tasting my pussy." That is another point. Do you have an issue kissing a person that you know might have had a mouth full of dick or pussy a few hours ago?
Blessings,
Zane
After reading and answering so many advice mails over the past decade, now I have a question. Have you ever known your mate was cheating and still performed oral sex on them? To me, I cannot fathom knowing that my man's dick is going in and out of some other woman and then I am putting my mouth on it. We have all heard the lines like, "Every time you're kissing him, you're tasting my pussy." That is another point. Do you have an issue kissing a person that you know might have had a mouth full of dick or pussy a few hours ago?
Blessings,
Zane
When Your Lesbian Lover Cannot Stay Away From Another Woman
Dear Zane,
I love your work. It is wonderful and a lot of your books tell my entire life but that is not the reason that I am sending you this message. To the point, I am a 31-year-old woman with three kids and I am separated from my husband of ten years. I am also a lesbian. I had been into women for years but have now decided that I prefer being with them instead of men. I have a lover, which is one of the reasons that my husband and I are not together. I love her dearly but she has this ex-girlfriend that will not go away. She cheated on me once before with this woman and I took her back. She cheated again with this same woman for the past ten months. I have been dealing with it and every time she cheats, I always take her back. Now, a couple of days ago, the woman called me and told me that she was messing with her again. Zane, I can’t take any more but I really love this woman. I put her out of my apartment and now I am thinking of taking her back again. What in the hell is wrong with me? Please help.
Signed,
In Love
Dear In Love,
There is nothing wrong with you, other than having real feelings and hoping for the best. Millions of people do that every day and it is a natural emotion. However, while you may love this woman, this woman does not love you enough to stay away from her “poison.” For some reason she has a connection with the woman she is cheating with and anyone who cheats three times with the same person is not going to stop, particularly when you keep forgiving her. If you allow her back into your life, you will definitely get more of the same. You need to protect yourself. More importantly you need to protect the emotional welfare of your children. Here they are dealing with a divorce and now you have this woman coming in and out of their personal space, making it even more difficult to deal with. You need to be by yourself and make your life about your kids and assuring their stability. It will be hard, especially since she is part of the reason for your divorce, but the thing between you is not meant to be. Maybe she was placed into your life to be a catalyst for you to move on from your marriage and realize that you are a lesbian. However, do not allow her to be a catalyst for your demise.
Blessings,
Zane
I love your work. It is wonderful and a lot of your books tell my entire life but that is not the reason that I am sending you this message. To the point, I am a 31-year-old woman with three kids and I am separated from my husband of ten years. I am also a lesbian. I had been into women for years but have now decided that I prefer being with them instead of men. I have a lover, which is one of the reasons that my husband and I are not together. I love her dearly but she has this ex-girlfriend that will not go away. She cheated on me once before with this woman and I took her back. She cheated again with this same woman for the past ten months. I have been dealing with it and every time she cheats, I always take her back. Now, a couple of days ago, the woman called me and told me that she was messing with her again. Zane, I can’t take any more but I really love this woman. I put her out of my apartment and now I am thinking of taking her back again. What in the hell is wrong with me? Please help.
Signed,
In Love
Dear In Love,
There is nothing wrong with you, other than having real feelings and hoping for the best. Millions of people do that every day and it is a natural emotion. However, while you may love this woman, this woman does not love you enough to stay away from her “poison.” For some reason she has a connection with the woman she is cheating with and anyone who cheats three times with the same person is not going to stop, particularly when you keep forgiving her. If you allow her back into your life, you will definitely get more of the same. You need to protect yourself. More importantly you need to protect the emotional welfare of your children. Here they are dealing with a divorce and now you have this woman coming in and out of their personal space, making it even more difficult to deal with. You need to be by yourself and make your life about your kids and assuring their stability. It will be hard, especially since she is part of the reason for your divorce, but the thing between you is not meant to be. Maybe she was placed into your life to be a catalyst for you to move on from your marriage and realize that you are a lesbian. However, do not allow her to be a catalyst for your demise.
Blessings,
Zane
Falling for a Friend
Hey Zane,
I hope this finds you in good spirits. Also, I am very proud of you and all that you have accomplished. But like a lot of other people, I need some advice from you. There is a very nice, attractive young man that I have been spending a great deal of my time with and I'm confused about what is happening so I thought I'd get your take on this whole thing.Okay, so he and I go to the same university. We met in one of our classes and then, when I went to my class immediately after that one, he was in my other class too. We chatted for a little bit and decided to become "study buddies" but that quickly turned into a wonderful friendship. And now when we "study" we usually get off topic here and there and talk about other stuff. One night both of us even cried when talking about our pasts and our families! Every time we hang out we spend anywhere from 8-11 hours together, and we have yet to get sick of each other.
We have never crossed that boundary line of friendship, but I am definitely attracted to him. And not only that, but I have met all of his roommates, his brother, and he says that he's even told some of his other family members and friends from back home about me. And he's met all of my friends and even my mom when she came down to visit me a few weeks ago. We hang out at least 2-3 days out of every week and now it's starting to be outside of campus and outside of studying. And we at least text/call each other every day...we even talked a few times over Thanksgiving break.Earlier today when we were talking, he told me that I am in a category of my own and that there is no one that he's ever met like me. He also told me that he doesn't see me like a girl friend that’s like one of the guys.
So my questions are...do you think he feels the same way about me that I feel about him? And should I just remain his friend and leave things how they are, or try to pursue something more? While he is a wonderful friend, and I would never want to ruin a friendship, he is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man and I am growing more attached to him every day. But he is that kind of guy that is friends with basically all his ex's because he is such a good person. And we've discussed it and the race factor is non-existent for us because I am black and he is white. But what do you and your readers think I should do?
Sincerely,
Falling for my friend
Dear Falling for My Friend,
I would take things slowly and see what happens. People amaze me when they think that being friends with someone before becoming lovers is a problem. That just shows how backwards today’s society is because your lover is supposed to be your “best friend.” Your lover is supposed to be the person that you feel like you can tell anything to, do anything with, and rely on in every situation. If that is not the definition of friendship, then what is?
While there are no guarantees that things can work out between you and this young man, life never offers guarantees other than every day being an opportunity to be productive and accomplish something. If things do not work out, then you already know that he will remain your friend, based on the fact that he has remained cool with other women from his past. Unless you feel like that could cause some issues for you, as far as being jealous, I do not see anything wrong with letting nature take its course.
Blessings,
Zane
I hope this finds you in good spirits. Also, I am very proud of you and all that you have accomplished. But like a lot of other people, I need some advice from you. There is a very nice, attractive young man that I have been spending a great deal of my time with and I'm confused about what is happening so I thought I'd get your take on this whole thing.Okay, so he and I go to the same university. We met in one of our classes and then, when I went to my class immediately after that one, he was in my other class too. We chatted for a little bit and decided to become "study buddies" but that quickly turned into a wonderful friendship. And now when we "study" we usually get off topic here and there and talk about other stuff. One night both of us even cried when talking about our pasts and our families! Every time we hang out we spend anywhere from 8-11 hours together, and we have yet to get sick of each other.
We have never crossed that boundary line of friendship, but I am definitely attracted to him. And not only that, but I have met all of his roommates, his brother, and he says that he's even told some of his other family members and friends from back home about me. And he's met all of my friends and even my mom when she came down to visit me a few weeks ago. We hang out at least 2-3 days out of every week and now it's starting to be outside of campus and outside of studying. And we at least text/call each other every day...we even talked a few times over Thanksgiving break.Earlier today when we were talking, he told me that I am in a category of my own and that there is no one that he's ever met like me. He also told me that he doesn't see me like a girl friend that’s like one of the guys.
So my questions are...do you think he feels the same way about me that I feel about him? And should I just remain his friend and leave things how they are, or try to pursue something more? While he is a wonderful friend, and I would never want to ruin a friendship, he is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man and I am growing more attached to him every day. But he is that kind of guy that is friends with basically all his ex's because he is such a good person. And we've discussed it and the race factor is non-existent for us because I am black and he is white. But what do you and your readers think I should do?
Sincerely,
Falling for my friend
Dear Falling for My Friend,
I would take things slowly and see what happens. People amaze me when they think that being friends with someone before becoming lovers is a problem. That just shows how backwards today’s society is because your lover is supposed to be your “best friend.” Your lover is supposed to be the person that you feel like you can tell anything to, do anything with, and rely on in every situation. If that is not the definition of friendship, then what is?
While there are no guarantees that things can work out between you and this young man, life never offers guarantees other than every day being an opportunity to be productive and accomplish something. If things do not work out, then you already know that he will remain your friend, based on the fact that he has remained cool with other women from his past. Unless you feel like that could cause some issues for you, as far as being jealous, I do not see anything wrong with letting nature take its course.
Blessings,
Zane
Ready to Give Up on Love in a Day
Dear Zane,
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
Star Struck and Dogged Out
Dear Zane,
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear Zane,
I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancé. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).
We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.
The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.
One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”
To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.
She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.
Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,
You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.
The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancé. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).
We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.
The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.
One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”
To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.
She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.
Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,
You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.
The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.
Blessings,
Zane
Monday, November 3, 2008
Forced Into Virginity: An Advice Question
I am a seventeen year old girl. And I am still a virgin. I was raised in a strict Christian household and taught to safe sex for marriage. I have experimented with both oral sex and masturbation but my sister makes me feel like I'm a slut for wanting to be more sexual active. Sometimes I feel like I should save my virginity (the ultimate gift) for my husband, but then sometimes I really become curious. I feel like I'm being forced to stay a virgin sometimes, what should I do??
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
What Signs Tell A Woman if a Man is a Good Lover?
What are your thoughts? What type of signs can tell a woman if a man has it going on in bed?
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Zane, I have had a long distance relationship with this guy for a year now. He is seven years older than I am and was married but his wife died suddenly some years ago. I got the vibe that I should be careful of his feelings because of this and he told me he hadn't had sex since his wife. Anyway, we had sex for the first time and it was bad!!! His kisses were like a chicken pecking on me and he was so fast at everything. Even when I said slower or slow down it just was not slow enough. He kept telling me how "good and hard" he was going to give it to me, but when I got it, I was turned off. I told him what I liked but it was like he wasn't listening. I like him but I am not sure I can deal with having sex with him. Should I tell him I think we should just be friends?
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Zane,
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Is Another Man Ever the Answer?
Dear Zane,
First let me say that I LOVE your books. I wish I were more like you with your sexuality, open and free. Here's my issue....My husband and I have been married for 6 years but we've been together for 16, since we were 14. We have 3 adorable children together and he is a great father and provider but our sex life is like wet bread, soggy and of no use. My sex drive is so low, I hardly ever desire to do it. I get horny about twice a month but at that time he acts disinterested so it goes away. We have sex maybe once or twice a month and it is the same old routine...He kisses me, sucks my titties for a minute or two (which is fine by me because nipple stimulation does nothing for me, it's actually irritating), tries to enter me, then determines it's not wet enough, then goes down on me. I have a clitoral orgasm, he gets up, fucks me real quick, and it’s over. The whole time I'm faking as if it's good when in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Will you hurry the fuck up?"
I am so bored that I really am considering finding someone else to sex me. I have been with 2 others but only briefly and I feel like I' missing out on something more. We have in the past done just about everything you have suggested in your manual, How to Fuck a Man, but none of that works anymore. Every now and then we try something new but it does absolutely nothing for me. He pretends to be happy with the way things are, when he does get some, but I know he can't be if I'm not. I think most of my problem is the fact that he cheated on me a couple of years ago and I haven't trusted him since. I know I should have let his ass go but I didn't because I do love him and felt that things could work. If our sex life doesn't get better, I may do the same thing he did to me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I don't masturbate because it does nothing for me. I've tried a few times and it felt like a waste of time. What else am I supposed to do? Please help me get some sexual release.
Signed,
Seriously In Need
Dear Seriously In Need,
Cheating is never the solution. In this case, you both have already cheated and that is not surprising, being that you have been together since you were fourteen years old. But you are both thirty now, and you have three kids. That changes everything. By no means am I going to encourage you or anyone to cheat. That is never the answer. I suggest counseling, if the two of you cannot work it out together. Did his cheating upset you? What do you think your cheating will do to him? The fact that you have already stepped out twice means that your marriage is in serious jeopardy. If the two of you cannot be faithful, you need to evaluate your entire marriage. Bringing other people into the situation never makes sense and it always makes things worse.
Blessings,
Zane
First let me say that I LOVE your books. I wish I were more like you with your sexuality, open and free. Here's my issue....My husband and I have been married for 6 years but we've been together for 16, since we were 14. We have 3 adorable children together and he is a great father and provider but our sex life is like wet bread, soggy and of no use. My sex drive is so low, I hardly ever desire to do it. I get horny about twice a month but at that time he acts disinterested so it goes away. We have sex maybe once or twice a month and it is the same old routine...He kisses me, sucks my titties for a minute or two (which is fine by me because nipple stimulation does nothing for me, it's actually irritating), tries to enter me, then determines it's not wet enough, then goes down on me. I have a clitoral orgasm, he gets up, fucks me real quick, and it’s over. The whole time I'm faking as if it's good when in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Will you hurry the fuck up?"
I am so bored that I really am considering finding someone else to sex me. I have been with 2 others but only briefly and I feel like I' missing out on something more. We have in the past done just about everything you have suggested in your manual, How to Fuck a Man, but none of that works anymore. Every now and then we try something new but it does absolutely nothing for me. He pretends to be happy with the way things are, when he does get some, but I know he can't be if I'm not. I think most of my problem is the fact that he cheated on me a couple of years ago and I haven't trusted him since. I know I should have let his ass go but I didn't because I do love him and felt that things could work. If our sex life doesn't get better, I may do the same thing he did to me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I don't masturbate because it does nothing for me. I've tried a few times and it felt like a waste of time. What else am I supposed to do? Please help me get some sexual release.
Signed,
Seriously In Need
Dear Seriously In Need,
Cheating is never the solution. In this case, you both have already cheated and that is not surprising, being that you have been together since you were fourteen years old. But you are both thirty now, and you have three kids. That changes everything. By no means am I going to encourage you or anyone to cheat. That is never the answer. I suggest counseling, if the two of you cannot work it out together. Did his cheating upset you? What do you think your cheating will do to him? The fact that you have already stepped out twice means that your marriage is in serious jeopardy. If the two of you cannot be faithful, you need to evaluate your entire marriage. Bringing other people into the situation never makes sense and it always makes things worse.
Blessings,
Zane
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Zane,
I am a new reader of your books and I love them. I got all of your books but, anyway, I have a situation. I had been with my baby’s daddy for seven years and we just broke up last year. He left me for some crazy white girl. He couldn’t even tell me the real deal. My son had to tell me. But we have still been having sex the entire time he has been with her. The thing is, before we broke up, she knew we were together but she didn’t care. The chick was even bold enough to come up in my face when I was pregnant and lied and told me that she wasn’t messing with him when she was.
We still act like we are together. He does things for me that he had never done when we were together. We have three kids together and he keeps telling me that we wants to come back but claims that he is in a messed-up situation when it comes to her. Let’s get straight to the point. I love the hell out of him. I tried letting go but it hurts too badly and he cannot seem to let go of me either. Anytime he sees me out with my friends, he thinks that their boyfriends are with me and he acts a damn fool. It makes me want to go run and hide. I even tried to stop having sex with him but that didn’t work. I tried dating but he is all I think about. Hell, I just feel stuck.
By the way, I am his first love and he is my first as well. So what do you think I should do because I want him her with me. He wants to leave her but he doesn’t know how to leave because she is really stuck on him. I don’t know the real reason this is happening. I think it’s because of the money she gives him, or it could be that he is in love with her. I am hurting and he knows this because he tells me all the time and he apologizes a lot. He also calls me crying, telling me how bad he realizes that he fucked up when it comes to me. I need your advice. Please help.
Signed,
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Completely Lost But Definitely In Love,
You use the word “stuck” a few times in this email and you are right, all of you are stuck on stupidity. It is ironic that I was laying in bed sick this morning, watching Jerry Springer, and the thought went through my head that I would love to do a talk show called “Stuck on Stupid” where I could sit down and talk to some of the women I see on these shows fighting over no-good men.
Everyone is trying. You are trying to stop having sex with him. He is trying to leave the other woman. You are trying to date other people. He is trying to make amends for fucking another woman that he is still fucking. Here is the cold hard truth. Even though he is the father of your three kids, he is not your man but you are his woman. You are not seeing anyone else but he can do whatever he likes, whenever he likes. The other woman—regardless of her face—chose to go after someone else’s man. The fact that you were pregnant makes her even more desperate and she is getting exactly what she asked for—an unfaithful man.
If it were not for the fact that he fathered your children, I would tell you to stay away from him altogether. You are in a very bad place. You have convinced yourself that this man cares about you, even though his actions speak volumes to the exact opposite. He only cares about himself and women tend to allow men to tell them anything and believe it is the gospel. Men realize that they can be as trifling as they want to be but as long as they whisper the right things in our ears, we will fall for the game.
Young lady, this situation will never change. It might go into rotation, meaning he may dump the other woman and come back to you long enough to gauge out his next victim. Then he will be gone again but still coming through to jump between your legs at whim. Why? Because you allow it and only you can stop it. If need be, make arrangements for him to see his kids in a public place, if you feel like you cannot be alone with him without wanting his sex. He may be your first love but you are his biggest fool. The other woman is a fool as well but let him go be her problem.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a new reader of your books and I love them. I got all of your books but, anyway, I have a situation. I had been with my baby’s daddy for seven years and we just broke up last year. He left me for some crazy white girl. He couldn’t even tell me the real deal. My son had to tell me. But we have still been having sex the entire time he has been with her. The thing is, before we broke up, she knew we were together but she didn’t care. The chick was even bold enough to come up in my face when I was pregnant and lied and told me that she wasn’t messing with him when she was.
We still act like we are together. He does things for me that he had never done when we were together. We have three kids together and he keeps telling me that we wants to come back but claims that he is in a messed-up situation when it comes to her. Let’s get straight to the point. I love the hell out of him. I tried letting go but it hurts too badly and he cannot seem to let go of me either. Anytime he sees me out with my friends, he thinks that their boyfriends are with me and he acts a damn fool. It makes me want to go run and hide. I even tried to stop having sex with him but that didn’t work. I tried dating but he is all I think about. Hell, I just feel stuck.
By the way, I am his first love and he is my first as well. So what do you think I should do because I want him her with me. He wants to leave her but he doesn’t know how to leave because she is really stuck on him. I don’t know the real reason this is happening. I think it’s because of the money she gives him, or it could be that he is in love with her. I am hurting and he knows this because he tells me all the time and he apologizes a lot. He also calls me crying, telling me how bad he realizes that he fucked up when it comes to me. I need your advice. Please help.
Signed,
Completely Lost But Definitely In Love
Dear Completely Lost But Definitely In Love,
You use the word “stuck” a few times in this email and you are right, all of you are stuck on stupidity. It is ironic that I was laying in bed sick this morning, watching Jerry Springer, and the thought went through my head that I would love to do a talk show called “Stuck on Stupid” where I could sit down and talk to some of the women I see on these shows fighting over no-good men.
Everyone is trying. You are trying to stop having sex with him. He is trying to leave the other woman. You are trying to date other people. He is trying to make amends for fucking another woman that he is still fucking. Here is the cold hard truth. Even though he is the father of your three kids, he is not your man but you are his woman. You are not seeing anyone else but he can do whatever he likes, whenever he likes. The other woman—regardless of her face—chose to go after someone else’s man. The fact that you were pregnant makes her even more desperate and she is getting exactly what she asked for—an unfaithful man.
If it were not for the fact that he fathered your children, I would tell you to stay away from him altogether. You are in a very bad place. You have convinced yourself that this man cares about you, even though his actions speak volumes to the exact opposite. He only cares about himself and women tend to allow men to tell them anything and believe it is the gospel. Men realize that they can be as trifling as they want to be but as long as they whisper the right things in our ears, we will fall for the game.
Young lady, this situation will never change. It might go into rotation, meaning he may dump the other woman and come back to you long enough to gauge out his next victim. Then he will be gone again but still coming through to jump between your legs at whim. Why? Because you allow it and only you can stop it. If need be, make arrangements for him to see his kids in a public place, if you feel like you cannot be alone with him without wanting his sex. He may be your first love but you are his biggest fool. The other woman is a fool as well but let him go be her problem.
Blessings,
Zane
Come Celebrate the Election at POSH with Zane
COME JOIN ZANE AT POSH TO CELEBRATE THE ELECTION
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
6-10 PM
POSH Restaurant and Supper Club
730 11th Street, NW Washington, DC 20001
202-393-0975
Book Signing
$2 Bar Appetizers
$25 3-Course Prix Fixe Menu
Please call restaurant directly to make reservations.
ADDICTED(First Course) Lobster BisqueBlended with herbs and spices with a drizzle of pesto Posh SaladStrawberries, mangoes, with a drizzle of raspberry dressing Sautéed CalamariSpinach, peppers, jalapeños, and green onions INSATIABLE (Second Course) Grilled Sweet Wild Salmon Sweet corn rice pilaf, sautéed spinach, and a citrus beurre blanc Shrimp and PastaCajun style shrimp tossed in bow tie pasta with a creamy alfredo Fried Chicken QuarterCurry marinated chicken, three cheese mac and cheese, collard greens THE CLIMAX (Third Course) Molten Chocolate cake a la modeSensual Strawberry CheesecakeMini Chocolate Cup Cakes
You can also catch Zane earlier in the day at B. Dalton's in Union Station from 12-2 PM.
Radio One is sponsoring "The World's Largest Office Party."
Usher will be hosting from 12-1 PM.
Zane will also be signing at For Sisters Only on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
From 2-4 PM
The Washington DC Convention Center
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
6-10 PM
POSH Restaurant and Supper Club
730 11th Street, NW Washington, DC 20001
202-393-0975
Book Signing
$2 Bar Appetizers
$25 3-Course Prix Fixe Menu
Please call restaurant directly to make reservations.
ADDICTED(First Course) Lobster BisqueBlended with herbs and spices with a drizzle of pesto Posh SaladStrawberries, mangoes, with a drizzle of raspberry dressing Sautéed CalamariSpinach, peppers, jalapeños, and green onions INSATIABLE (Second Course) Grilled Sweet Wild Salmon Sweet corn rice pilaf, sautéed spinach, and a citrus beurre blanc Shrimp and PastaCajun style shrimp tossed in bow tie pasta with a creamy alfredo Fried Chicken QuarterCurry marinated chicken, three cheese mac and cheese, collard greens THE CLIMAX (Third Course) Molten Chocolate cake a la modeSensual Strawberry CheesecakeMini Chocolate Cup Cakes
You can also catch Zane earlier in the day at B. Dalton's in Union Station from 12-2 PM.
Radio One is sponsoring "The World's Largest Office Party."
Usher will be hosting from 12-1 PM.
Zane will also be signing at For Sisters Only on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
From 2-4 PM
The Washington DC Convention Center
Addicted, The Movie
I have gotten nearly as many emails asking about Addicted, the movie as I have about the Cinemax show. So let me clear some things up. Yes, Addicted will still be a feature film or, like Zoe from the novel says, "There is not a dog in the entire state of Georgia!"
While we ran into a minor hiccup, the good part is that since the television show went into production, there has been a ton of interest from various Hollywood studios to get my work on the big screen. So there will not just be an Addicted but many other films. I will be sure to keep you posted and thanks for all the excitement about the book and turning it into a movie throughout the years.
Blessings,
Zane
While we ran into a minor hiccup, the good part is that since the television show went into production, there has been a ton of interest from various Hollywood studios to get my work on the big screen. So there will not just be an Addicted but many other films. I will be sure to keep you posted and thanks for all the excitement about the book and turning it into a movie throughout the years.
Blessings,
Zane
When You Cheat on a Cheater, Should You Confess
Dear Zane,
If you found out your mate cheated, but you cheated too, in order to move on, would you tell them all you'd done?
I've been dating this guy for about 10 months, and before that we were friends for a few yrs. I found out in Sept that shortly after he moved overseas (2months), he began cheating. It was an ongoing thing that lasted (he says) until August. I found out b/c I checked his email and she'd sent him an email confessing her love for him but saying she knew he was in love with me and didn't feel the same. I'm hurt, of course, by it, and thinking of giving him another chance, for many reasons, but one to include that I cheated on him. I slept with an old friend, my daughter's father, and had my first female-female experience. I haven't told him. He says if I cheated, he wouldn't want to know, but that if he found out, he'd be equally as pissed. I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm any better than him, although it bothers me most that he was practically 'dating' this other girl for 5 months.
In the spirit of us trying to work on things, do you think I should come clean? Or is this something that I should keep to myself and just vow to do better?
Signed,
Also a Cheater
Dear Also a Cheater,
You should tell him the truth, especially since you slept with the father of your child. That man is going to be around for your entire life and it could easily slip out, if he ever gets mad at you. The first thing out of his mouth will be to tell—or brag—to your new man that he slept with you. While there are different degrees of cheating, the end result means that someone cannot be trusted. I agree that he was actually in another relationship for several months with someone else and you need to think long and hard on that one. Fucking someone else one night is one thing but allowing someone else to develop feelings and engaging in consistent cheating means that he will most likely do it again. You should tell him you slept with another woman as well. Get it all out, then there is nothing for you to get caught up with later.
Honestly, the behavior on both of your parts speaks volumes about your relationship. Why are you together? I think that is a question the two of you need to sit down and answer together, possibly with a counselor because if both of you are cheating now, what will happen down the road? This does not seem like a healthy relationship. In fact, it sounds toxic and many people stay in toxic relationships for years—or even decades—thinking that things will change. Face reality; is this what you really want in your life?
Blessings,
Zane
If you found out your mate cheated, but you cheated too, in order to move on, would you tell them all you'd done?
I've been dating this guy for about 10 months, and before that we were friends for a few yrs. I found out in Sept that shortly after he moved overseas (2months), he began cheating. It was an ongoing thing that lasted (he says) until August. I found out b/c I checked his email and she'd sent him an email confessing her love for him but saying she knew he was in love with me and didn't feel the same. I'm hurt, of course, by it, and thinking of giving him another chance, for many reasons, but one to include that I cheated on him. I slept with an old friend, my daughter's father, and had my first female-female experience. I haven't told him. He says if I cheated, he wouldn't want to know, but that if he found out, he'd be equally as pissed. I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm any better than him, although it bothers me most that he was practically 'dating' this other girl for 5 months.
In the spirit of us trying to work on things, do you think I should come clean? Or is this something that I should keep to myself and just vow to do better?
Signed,
Also a Cheater
Dear Also a Cheater,
You should tell him the truth, especially since you slept with the father of your child. That man is going to be around for your entire life and it could easily slip out, if he ever gets mad at you. The first thing out of his mouth will be to tell—or brag—to your new man that he slept with you. While there are different degrees of cheating, the end result means that someone cannot be trusted. I agree that he was actually in another relationship for several months with someone else and you need to think long and hard on that one. Fucking someone else one night is one thing but allowing someone else to develop feelings and engaging in consistent cheating means that he will most likely do it again. You should tell him you slept with another woman as well. Get it all out, then there is nothing for you to get caught up with later.
Honestly, the behavior on both of your parts speaks volumes about your relationship. Why are you together? I think that is a question the two of you need to sit down and answer together, possibly with a counselor because if both of you are cheating now, what will happen down the road? This does not seem like a healthy relationship. In fact, it sounds toxic and many people stay in toxic relationships for years—or even decades—thinking that things will change. Face reality; is this what you really want in your life?
Blessings,
Zane
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