Dear Zane,
First and foremost, allow me to say thank you for novels that are intensifying to the mind, body and soul! My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, on and off. We both decided to give up the lives we once led to share one together. He is twenty-seven with one child and I am twenty-six with no offspring…at the moment! This is the first consistent year that we have been together. We now live together. However, he is beginning his law career in another state next year and asked me to come with him. I happily agreed. Because of our past, I wanted to take precautions. Would it be absurd for me to insist that we become engaged before we continue our journey together?
Signed,
Needed Advice
Dear Needed Advice,
What would be absurd is for you not to insist on being engaged—or better yet married—before you move with him to another state. While you are both still relatively young (under 30), six years is long enough for anyone to test drive a vehicle for any journey, like the one you have agreed to take together. You already live together, you have accepted his child, but now you are planning to make a huge sacrifice by following the man across state lines. I commend you for wanting to make sure that you will not find yourself in a crazy predicament after giving up so much to be with him. If he is not ready to get married, or at least ready to start making preparations to get married, you should reconsider the move. That does not mean that the relationship has to end but you certainly have to protect your best interest.
Blessings,
Zane
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Wife Scorned: An Advice Question
Dear Zane,
I have been married for four years. Over the course of the past three, he has been flirting with other women on the computer and over the phone. He went out of town earlier this year and since the phone is in my name, I have full access to the call logs. Even though he realizes that, when I checked his photo files, there was a picture of what appeared to be his face buried in this bitch’s pussy. He denied it and went through a crying spell. I tried to confront the girl but she wouldn’t respond. We are still together and I don’t know why. There is some love there but he irks the shit out of me. I don’t even want him to touch me, let alone sex me, but I don’t know if I should try and make it work. Maybe you can give me some advice. Please help.
Signed,
Wife Scorned
Dear Wife Scorned,
Even though your husband’s behavior is sad, what is truly sad is your confusion over what you should do about it. That level of disrespect can only lead to a continuance of the same, or worse. If seeing a photo of his face in another chick’s snatch is not enough to make you realize that he is not worth your time, I am not sure what would be. The fact that he has spent three-fourths of your marriage flirting with other women on the Internet and talking to them on the phone means that he is married but still looking. He clearly does not feel that you complete what he perceives to be his total package. You cannot make something work unless both parties are going to put forth the effort. So what if he cried? That’s what most men do when they get busted. They cry, beg for forgiveness, promise to never do it again, whip out their dicks to soothe things over, and then go right back to their doggish ways as soon as the opportunity presents itself; sometimes even the same day.
He may have denied it but you know it was him. Why would a man have a photo of another man performing oral sex on a woman in his phone? Besides, you can recognize your own husband; even if it is only the back of his head. You have two options: you can accept that your husband is going to cheat on you regardless of your feelings, or you can put a stop to the ridiculous situation. He is not going to do anything because since you have apparently accepted that nonsense, he thinks that he has it made. Unfortunately way too many women do put up with blatant disrespect and that’s why men continue to do it.
Blessings,
Zane
I have been married for four years. Over the course of the past three, he has been flirting with other women on the computer and over the phone. He went out of town earlier this year and since the phone is in my name, I have full access to the call logs. Even though he realizes that, when I checked his photo files, there was a picture of what appeared to be his face buried in this bitch’s pussy. He denied it and went through a crying spell. I tried to confront the girl but she wouldn’t respond. We are still together and I don’t know why. There is some love there but he irks the shit out of me. I don’t even want him to touch me, let alone sex me, but I don’t know if I should try and make it work. Maybe you can give me some advice. Please help.
Signed,
Wife Scorned
Dear Wife Scorned,
Even though your husband’s behavior is sad, what is truly sad is your confusion over what you should do about it. That level of disrespect can only lead to a continuance of the same, or worse. If seeing a photo of his face in another chick’s snatch is not enough to make you realize that he is not worth your time, I am not sure what would be. The fact that he has spent three-fourths of your marriage flirting with other women on the Internet and talking to them on the phone means that he is married but still looking. He clearly does not feel that you complete what he perceives to be his total package. You cannot make something work unless both parties are going to put forth the effort. So what if he cried? That’s what most men do when they get busted. They cry, beg for forgiveness, promise to never do it again, whip out their dicks to soothe things over, and then go right back to their doggish ways as soon as the opportunity presents itself; sometimes even the same day.
He may have denied it but you know it was him. Why would a man have a photo of another man performing oral sex on a woman in his phone? Besides, you can recognize your own husband; even if it is only the back of his head. You have two options: you can accept that your husband is going to cheat on you regardless of your feelings, or you can put a stop to the ridiculous situation. He is not going to do anything because since you have apparently accepted that nonsense, he thinks that he has it made. Unfortunately way too many women do put up with blatant disrespect and that’s why men continue to do it.
Blessings,
Zane
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
When You Have Lost All Faith in Love
Dear Zane,
I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.
I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.
Signed,
Non-believer
Dear Non-believer,
I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.
There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.
Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?
Blessings,
Zane
I have never done this before, spoken to someone about what’s in my heart. Seeing as how you do not know me and since you probably will never read this, being that you have such a strong online fan base, I just have to let my heart out.
I do not believe in a lifetime of love. I do not believe in a human being loved someone for who they are; faults and all. I should say that I do not think that I will ever have that. I have been married to my husband for seven years—I was nineteen and he was twenty-five. At best, we might have had one good year together. We separated and I met a lot of different men who treated me way better than he ever has. We are together again due to circumstances—my health and our three kids. I am beyond sad. I have given up on having that loving relationship, even though I do love him. I am trying to get on my feet so I can leave but I do not trust men any more. I feel that they love you conditionally and I cannot give of myself any longer. I just had to say that. I had to let it out. My tears are gone and all that remains is sadness about my wasted youth.
Signed,
Non-believer
Dear Non-believer,
I do read my emails because I realize that people who email me are in a dark, deep place in their lives. I looked at your pictures on your page. You have three beautiful children and that is because they have a beautiful mother. I have to admit that I see a sadness in your face in many of the pictures, even though you are trying to fake happiness. It is true that most people do not love unconditionally, even though they claim that they will in the beginning. Life is full of stressful situations and often we take things out on the people we are supposed to love the most. Without speaking to your husband, I am not sure where he is coming from but if other men have treated you better, then he obviously has some issues. I am wondering if so many children within seven years has left you victim to post partum depression. Trust me, it is not a joke, because I went through it for years after my last child.
There are many who have given up on love. Some give up at your age. Some wait until the forties and I have even given up on it before when I ran into a few doozies in a row. Often, after reading these emails, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to ever risk my heart again. But love does exist. The first thing you need to do is make a final decision about your marriage. If you absolutely believe he is not the man for you, make sure you get out as soon as possible and I understand that is what you are working on. You must bring closure to that situation and close the door before you can open up another one. Once you are free, you have to pull yourself up out of the ashes and be confident and happy so that you can attract love and not seek it. Start working on the things you want to change about yourself. Plus I noticed that you said something about your health. Could it be that some of the medication you are on might be causing depression? You should talk to your doctor about that because often drugs that fix one thing can cause other problems.
Do not cry. You are young and it could be a lot worse. There are women right now waiting for men to come home that they have not seen in days, either because they are laid up with their mistress, or in a crack house. For whatever the reason, your husband did get back with you after the separation so that must mean something. Try to figure out why that is. The two of you married for a reason and then got off track. He may not be making much effort but are you?
Blessings,
Zane
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Immigrant Love
Dear Zane,
I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.
Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.
If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!
Signed,
Immigrant Love
Dear Immigrant Love,
You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.
He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.
I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.
Blessings,
Zane
I am in need of real life tough love advice and I hope that you can and will help me.I am a 28 year old mother of two little girls by two different men. When I was a year out of a bad relationship, I met a man who put the hope of real love back in my life. He is a simple man, but he is good. From the rooter to the tooter. He is considerate, loving, accepting, open minded, loves to dance, listens to easy listening music, and is good with my children. The only thing is he is from Jamaica, and only in the country on a work visa.
Because of my last relationship I took this one slow. We dated for 2 months before we slept together, and dated for 6 months before I let him meet my children. When we first had sex after the two months, it was like a real live anniversary and that is when he told me that he was in the country on a work visa. And that he could not stay in the country forever unless he got married. Now after this visa is up (he has to leave in July of 09) He has another one for a 6 months where he can come back to America. I have grown close to this man and, against my own will, have developed strong feelings for him. I can't say that I love him because I compare the love I feel for him to love I felt for my last partner, whom I gave my all.
If he left, I would miss him to the point where I might sleep with his t-shirt. But the other night over a game of dominos he asked me to marry him. He had a ring and everything. The day that most women wish for has come for me and I don't know what to do. I told him that I don't think that I am ready for marriage, which is true. I have never been married but feel like I am nowhere near ready. I am still in school; I don't own anything except my car and what I have in my apartment. I wanted to have some things situated before I said I do. And I am skeptical of his being an immigrant and just wanting to stay in the country. He has given me no reason to think that he might be scheming on me. But this is just the way I THINK. I have never had a real good trust background or saying I don't generally trust people. And I watch divorce court and I look at the woman who wrote how Stella got her groove back. I think about all those things and truly I don't trust myself making that decision and it not turning out to be the worst. All my doubts lay within me and my mile a minute brain. I am a thinker. Do you think I am over thinking? Do you think I should take a chance? I have talked to my family but unfortunately they are more about my wedding in Jamaica(that is where he wants to have the wedding so his family can be there) so they are clouded by the chance of a vacation. Do you think you and you blog readers might be able to help me? If you choose to post this on your blog, could you let me know so I can look out for the feedback.Loving the show on max baby!!!
Signed,
Immigrant Love
Dear Immigrant Love,
You have too many doubts, point blank. Now your mind might change before his time is up but right now, you have laid out clear cut reasons why A)you are not ready to get married to anyone and B)you are not sure about his intentions. I will say this though. There is nothing wrong with feeling for him the same way that you felt for your ex. Love is love and that includes from person to person. Your ex was simply not receptive enough of your love but that does not make it tainted.
He may generally love you but I am not living your life so I do not know. You obviously have some red flags and I am sure that his having to depart the country is weighing heavily on his mind and had to do with the timing of his proposal. That does not make him a bad guy. He may have asked because he cannot stand the thought of living without out and is willing to make that commitment to keep you together.
I will also say that while we all would love to have ideal situations when we get married, there is nothing wrong with being in school and still trying to establish yourself when you are in a committed relationship. Part of being committed and married is two people working together to build a life. All of that aside though, you have way too many apprehensions and need to think some more. If he can come back for six months, that means you have well into 2010 to make a final decision.
Blessings,
Zane
When Your Husband Has No Sex Drive
Dear Zane,
I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.
The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.
Blessings,
Zane
I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.
The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.
Blessings,
Zane
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