Dear Zane,
I have two problems. I have a skin disorder called psoriasis on my lower back and my crack. It is not that severe but I usually don’t let men hit it from the back because of it. How can I tell my partners that I’m self-cautious about that? My second problem is that I am five-four and I am a big girl. I weight about 234 pounds and I have stretch marks. I hate to take my shirt off during sex. How can I get over that?
Signed,
Horny Lost Teen
Dear Horny Lost Teen,
Any man who lies down with you has already accepted you as you are. Without some level of attraction, you would not even be in the position to feel uncomfortable. As far as your weight, you can change that by simply realizing that you must burn more calories than you eat. That, coupled with exercise, will work wonders but until then, accept who you are. There is beauty in everyone and for those shallow-minded individuals who do not realize that, that is their issue and not yours.
If you have not been to a dermatologist because of your psoriasis, then you should seek out an opinion. If you are on medication for it, then wait and see what happens. My bigger concern is that you do not feel comfortable with your lovers. That is what making love is all about. Being one with another person, free of worry and judgment. If that is not what you are getting from the experiences, you are lying down with the wrong men.
Blessings,
Zane
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, January 12, 2009
When Your Man Begs the Other Woman to Stay
Dear Zane,
I am 25 yrs old, and an educated beautiful black woman. I have been with my man for 7yrs. I love him so much; however, I have caught him cheating several times. The last time I caught him with her and he begged her not to go and completely dismissed me. The next day he said he was sorry and we spent the holidays together like we were okay. However I am still very hurt, it has destroyed my self esteem. I am not close to my family, and I feel I have no one but him. I love him but I know I don't need him. How do I get past this? Every day I think about it I get sick and just want to die. I've never imagined life without him. He is coping very well, and I am the one losing sleep. Please help me.
It’s bigger than him cheating; it has destroyed my self-worth.
Signed,
Please Help
Dear Please Help,
You are literally sacrificing your life for someone else’s happiness. You and your man are in a toxic relationship. He cannot be allowed to have a limitless stack of “get out of jail free” cards. He is a consummate cheater and has no respect for you, or probably even for himself. He has not gotten to the point that men need to reach in order to keep their dicks in their pants. He has not figured out that he is the type of man that should disgust even him.
He is with you probably for the same reasons you are with him; for convenience. He is a comfort zone for you and vice versa; yet there are constant lies and betrayal on his behalf. I understand not being close to your family but you are still entitled to have a life. It will probably be the hardest thing that you have ever done, walking away from him, but if you do not, he will continue to suck the life right out of you—intentionally or unintentionally. He is obviously not willing to change, or he would have already. For him to beg another woman to stay, after being with you for seven years, had to be heart-breaking. I wish you nothing but the best but victory begins with yourself and your own actions. I would hate to see you wake up ten years from now feeling the same way. You are still young and you have a chance to be happy. Take it.
Blessings,
Zane
I am 25 yrs old, and an educated beautiful black woman. I have been with my man for 7yrs. I love him so much; however, I have caught him cheating several times. The last time I caught him with her and he begged her not to go and completely dismissed me. The next day he said he was sorry and we spent the holidays together like we were okay. However I am still very hurt, it has destroyed my self esteem. I am not close to my family, and I feel I have no one but him. I love him but I know I don't need him. How do I get past this? Every day I think about it I get sick and just want to die. I've never imagined life without him. He is coping very well, and I am the one losing sleep. Please help me.
It’s bigger than him cheating; it has destroyed my self-worth.
Signed,
Please Help
Dear Please Help,
You are literally sacrificing your life for someone else’s happiness. You and your man are in a toxic relationship. He cannot be allowed to have a limitless stack of “get out of jail free” cards. He is a consummate cheater and has no respect for you, or probably even for himself. He has not gotten to the point that men need to reach in order to keep their dicks in their pants. He has not figured out that he is the type of man that should disgust even him.
He is with you probably for the same reasons you are with him; for convenience. He is a comfort zone for you and vice versa; yet there are constant lies and betrayal on his behalf. I understand not being close to your family but you are still entitled to have a life. It will probably be the hardest thing that you have ever done, walking away from him, but if you do not, he will continue to suck the life right out of you—intentionally or unintentionally. He is obviously not willing to change, or he would have already. For him to beg another woman to stay, after being with you for seven years, had to be heart-breaking. I wish you nothing but the best but victory begins with yourself and your own actions. I would hate to see you wake up ten years from now feeling the same way. You are still young and you have a chance to be happy. Take it.
Blessings,
Zane
Baby Father Drama
Dear Zane,
I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months but we've known each other for about 6 years. To make a long story short, we went together, I moved in because my mother kicked me out (Not because I was with him) and now I am back at my mother's house because he did not want to deal with my "attitude." I guess he didn't like the fact that I would stick up for myself if I did not want to do everything he wanted me to do.
Well, now a couple weeks after moving out, I find out I am 2 months pregnant, by him of course. When I tell him, he is upset because he already has a son, by someone else. His baby’s mother came to me because he lied to her and said that he and I have only had sex once and it was with a condom. Now, I don't know about you but I don't know anyone who lives with their boyfriend for 3 months and only has sex once. Most of the time, when we had sex, it was unprotected, which was partially my fault.
Anyway, he told his other baby’s mother that it may not be his and that I am trying to stir up drama by talking to his other baby’s mother. Which I am not, she came to me because she felt he was lying to her and she did not know about me being pregnant. This is when I found out that she is also pregnant but at 7 months. So basically he is going to have 3 children. With him claiming that it might not be his and that he won't be around me or come to see me and all, do you think that I should allow him to give my child a middle name?
See, he is from Africa and I think that it would be hard to pronounce some of these types of names and on top of that he has been acting like a jerk since this whole thing began. I feel if he is not going to at least be around the child when it is born and then take care of it, the least he can do is give me the benefit of naming the child whatever I want. I am not keeping him away but he said "If I can’t give the baby part of its name, I won’t be there at all." I think he is being ignorant but I want my child to have an American name or something that is cute. After all, we aren't married or together anymore. What do you think I should do about this?
Signed,
Baby father drama
Dear Baby Father Drama,
Since you have known this man for six years, in some capacity, I cannot accuse you of dealing with a stranger and then getting what you get. In fact, I know many women, including myself, who got involved with men they have known their entire lives and then were in for great surprises. What you have in this case is a want to be player. He is not a real player because a real player has numerous women who are all aware of the real deal. He is playing both you and the other woman and, by refusing to practice safe sex, is building a village of kids that will grow up with an asshole as a father.
Do not blame the other woman because she is just as naïve as you. He has led you both to believe that you are “the one,” until now since he has gotten busted. I am sure that you did not know that he was still sleeping with the mother of his child and that she was pregnant again until all of the proverbial shit hit the fan.
He is a liar, pure and simple and if she was crazy enough to believe that he was living with you for several months and not sleeping with you, then that is on her. Maybe he was not even truthful about living with you. Who knows at this point? You need to prepare yourself for the fact that this man will probably have to be forced to pay child support and may or may not be in your child’s life. It was a mistake to have unprotected sex with him but hindsight is 20-20 and you are far from alone. Now you have to make the best of a bad situation. The main thing is not to allow him to stress you out during your pregnancy because that can have a harmful effect on the child you are carrying. I would not decide on the middle name scenario until you see what he does for the remainder of the pregnancy.
Blessings,
Zane
I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months but we've known each other for about 6 years. To make a long story short, we went together, I moved in because my mother kicked me out (Not because I was with him) and now I am back at my mother's house because he did not want to deal with my "attitude." I guess he didn't like the fact that I would stick up for myself if I did not want to do everything he wanted me to do.
Well, now a couple weeks after moving out, I find out I am 2 months pregnant, by him of course. When I tell him, he is upset because he already has a son, by someone else. His baby’s mother came to me because he lied to her and said that he and I have only had sex once and it was with a condom. Now, I don't know about you but I don't know anyone who lives with their boyfriend for 3 months and only has sex once. Most of the time, when we had sex, it was unprotected, which was partially my fault.
Anyway, he told his other baby’s mother that it may not be his and that I am trying to stir up drama by talking to his other baby’s mother. Which I am not, she came to me because she felt he was lying to her and she did not know about me being pregnant. This is when I found out that she is also pregnant but at 7 months. So basically he is going to have 3 children. With him claiming that it might not be his and that he won't be around me or come to see me and all, do you think that I should allow him to give my child a middle name?
See, he is from Africa and I think that it would be hard to pronounce some of these types of names and on top of that he has been acting like a jerk since this whole thing began. I feel if he is not going to at least be around the child when it is born and then take care of it, the least he can do is give me the benefit of naming the child whatever I want. I am not keeping him away but he said "If I can’t give the baby part of its name, I won’t be there at all." I think he is being ignorant but I want my child to have an American name or something that is cute. After all, we aren't married or together anymore. What do you think I should do about this?
Signed,
Baby father drama
Dear Baby Father Drama,
Since you have known this man for six years, in some capacity, I cannot accuse you of dealing with a stranger and then getting what you get. In fact, I know many women, including myself, who got involved with men they have known their entire lives and then were in for great surprises. What you have in this case is a want to be player. He is not a real player because a real player has numerous women who are all aware of the real deal. He is playing both you and the other woman and, by refusing to practice safe sex, is building a village of kids that will grow up with an asshole as a father.
Do not blame the other woman because she is just as naïve as you. He has led you both to believe that you are “the one,” until now since he has gotten busted. I am sure that you did not know that he was still sleeping with the mother of his child and that she was pregnant again until all of the proverbial shit hit the fan.
He is a liar, pure and simple and if she was crazy enough to believe that he was living with you for several months and not sleeping with you, then that is on her. Maybe he was not even truthful about living with you. Who knows at this point? You need to prepare yourself for the fact that this man will probably have to be forced to pay child support and may or may not be in your child’s life. It was a mistake to have unprotected sex with him but hindsight is 20-20 and you are far from alone. Now you have to make the best of a bad situation. The main thing is not to allow him to stress you out during your pregnancy because that can have a harmful effect on the child you are carrying. I would not decide on the middle name scenario until you see what he does for the remainder of the pregnancy.
Blessings,
Zane
Should You Start Acting Like A Porn Star When Your Man Is Halfway Across the Globe?
Dear Zane,
I am a 28 year old military wife. My husband has been deployed for almost a year now. And in this past year I have discovered my sexual side. Like, I have really discovered it. I always knew that I had more to offer my husband but I was too scared to try new things. Because in the past he has wondered why I would not take the first steps to wanting to have sex. Truthfully, I told him that I need romance and not just sex. He has yet to show me his romantic side.
We recently started to not see eye to eye because of me wanting to inform him of the many things I want to do to him and with him when he returns. The responses that I have been getting were more than I expected. He tells me that he isn't into blind folding and a lot of other things that I want to do. Granted, it’s not just about me. And I am willing to do anything this man wants me to do and more. And I have expressed those very words to him. So I decided to take another approach and seek out his fantasies. He told me that he doesn't have any. For some reason, that was hard for me to believe. Recently, I remembered that as a child he had been abused and that could have a lot to do with how he feels.
How do I seek out trying new things with my husband without making him feel uncomfortable?
Thank you.
Signed,
Military Heat Seeker
Dear Military Heat Seeker,
I am going to go out on a limb here. I do not think that the things are you stating that you want to do to him are making him feel uncomfortable. After all, he has wondered why you have not been more aggressive in the past. My guess is, and I believe it to be a good one, is that he is concerned about this whole freaky side coming out of you while he is deployed. When people are at war, all sorts of things go through their minds, including what their mates are doing back at home, in their warm beds, while they are halfway across the planet fighting to stay alive.
Even when men are not at war, they tend to have issues with women who are sexually uninhibited. All men say they want a woman like that but if they are lucky enough to find one, they tend to spend a lot of time and energy wondering why a woman knows so much about sex and who else she has done certain things with.
I would refrain from all of the sexual experimental talk for now because honestly, what can he do about it when he is not at home. Do not give him emotional ammunition to start inventing delusional scenarios in his head. Look at it this way. If your husband, who is deployed, all of a sudden started expressing interest in sexual things that he has never mentioned to you—his wife—before, what would run through your head. Make you list of things you want to do upon his return but keep it to yourself. Tell him you love him, you miss him and cannot wait to be with him but acting like the second coming of Vanessa Del Rio while he is nowhere around is not going to help matters.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a 28 year old military wife. My husband has been deployed for almost a year now. And in this past year I have discovered my sexual side. Like, I have really discovered it. I always knew that I had more to offer my husband but I was too scared to try new things. Because in the past he has wondered why I would not take the first steps to wanting to have sex. Truthfully, I told him that I need romance and not just sex. He has yet to show me his romantic side.
We recently started to not see eye to eye because of me wanting to inform him of the many things I want to do to him and with him when he returns. The responses that I have been getting were more than I expected. He tells me that he isn't into blind folding and a lot of other things that I want to do. Granted, it’s not just about me. And I am willing to do anything this man wants me to do and more. And I have expressed those very words to him. So I decided to take another approach and seek out his fantasies. He told me that he doesn't have any. For some reason, that was hard for me to believe. Recently, I remembered that as a child he had been abused and that could have a lot to do with how he feels.
How do I seek out trying new things with my husband without making him feel uncomfortable?
Thank you.
Signed,
Military Heat Seeker
Dear Military Heat Seeker,
I am going to go out on a limb here. I do not think that the things are you stating that you want to do to him are making him feel uncomfortable. After all, he has wondered why you have not been more aggressive in the past. My guess is, and I believe it to be a good one, is that he is concerned about this whole freaky side coming out of you while he is deployed. When people are at war, all sorts of things go through their minds, including what their mates are doing back at home, in their warm beds, while they are halfway across the planet fighting to stay alive.
Even when men are not at war, they tend to have issues with women who are sexually uninhibited. All men say they want a woman like that but if they are lucky enough to find one, they tend to spend a lot of time and energy wondering why a woman knows so much about sex and who else she has done certain things with.
I would refrain from all of the sexual experimental talk for now because honestly, what can he do about it when he is not at home. Do not give him emotional ammunition to start inventing delusional scenarios in his head. Look at it this way. If your husband, who is deployed, all of a sudden started expressing interest in sexual things that he has never mentioned to you—his wife—before, what would run through your head. Make you list of things you want to do upon his return but keep it to yourself. Tell him you love him, you miss him and cannot wait to be with him but acting like the second coming of Vanessa Del Rio while he is nowhere around is not going to help matters.
Blessings,
Zane
Are There Different Levels to Friends with Benefits?
Dear Zane,
What are your feelings on friends with benefits? I have four friends that have benefits. I try not to allow my feelings to get in to way because when I do, I always get my feelings hurt. My main friend, the one that I have sex with a lot, has started to act like we are a couple. And he wants to introduce different sexual experiences into our sex life, which is fine but I am starting to feel that somewhere the friends with benefits line has been crossed and we are on different levels.
We are now talking about living together and, in a roundabout way, he told me that he loved me. When he said it, I had to ask him twice and then he covered it up by saying “all over you." Also we don't practice safe sex; even when we had sex for the first time, it was unprotected. I know that I am putting myself in harm's way. But protection is something we both don't bring up. Are there different levels to being friends with benefits? Or I am reading too much in this?
Signed,
Friend with the benefits, I think?
Dear Friends with the benefits, I think,
I am still trying to get past you having unprotected sex with a man that you only wanted as a fuck buddy. You are not putting yourself in harm’s way. Putting yourself in harm’s way is driving fifteen miles over the speed limit, riding a bicycle without a helmet, or trying to knock down a hornet’s nest with your shoe. You are risking your life and the lives of many others, since you said that you have four friends with benefits. Even if you are using a condom with the rest of them, I seriously doubt that you are using protection during oral sex, or even kissing, with everyone.
If you do not have serious feelings for him then why would you even be discussing living together? It seems to me like you are very young for a few reasons. You are having sex with a bunch of people on a regular basis instead of finding one man who can actually satisfy you. You are not practicing safe sex. Lastly, you are acting like you have no say in the relationships that you are in. It is not about what a man wants solely; it is about what you both want. If you do not want to be in a committed relationship, tell him today. Do not lead him on by participating in conversations about shacking up.
As for there being different levels to friends with benefits, I would say no, but what can happen is two people not being on the same page. Does he know about your other friends? Do they know about him? He might actually think you are in a relationship, while you are simply playing games. What you need to do is some serious soul-searching and decide is A)any man’s dick is worth dying for and B)what you are seeking from these people, if you are not seeking love.
Blessings,
Zane
What are your feelings on friends with benefits? I have four friends that have benefits. I try not to allow my feelings to get in to way because when I do, I always get my feelings hurt. My main friend, the one that I have sex with a lot, has started to act like we are a couple. And he wants to introduce different sexual experiences into our sex life, which is fine but I am starting to feel that somewhere the friends with benefits line has been crossed and we are on different levels.
We are now talking about living together and, in a roundabout way, he told me that he loved me. When he said it, I had to ask him twice and then he covered it up by saying “all over you." Also we don't practice safe sex; even when we had sex for the first time, it was unprotected. I know that I am putting myself in harm's way. But protection is something we both don't bring up. Are there different levels to being friends with benefits? Or I am reading too much in this?
Signed,
Friend with the benefits, I think?
Dear Friends with the benefits, I think,
I am still trying to get past you having unprotected sex with a man that you only wanted as a fuck buddy. You are not putting yourself in harm’s way. Putting yourself in harm’s way is driving fifteen miles over the speed limit, riding a bicycle without a helmet, or trying to knock down a hornet’s nest with your shoe. You are risking your life and the lives of many others, since you said that you have four friends with benefits. Even if you are using a condom with the rest of them, I seriously doubt that you are using protection during oral sex, or even kissing, with everyone.
If you do not have serious feelings for him then why would you even be discussing living together? It seems to me like you are very young for a few reasons. You are having sex with a bunch of people on a regular basis instead of finding one man who can actually satisfy you. You are not practicing safe sex. Lastly, you are acting like you have no say in the relationships that you are in. It is not about what a man wants solely; it is about what you both want. If you do not want to be in a committed relationship, tell him today. Do not lead him on by participating in conversations about shacking up.
As for there being different levels to friends with benefits, I would say no, but what can happen is two people not being on the same page. Does he know about your other friends? Do they know about him? He might actually think you are in a relationship, while you are simply playing games. What you need to do is some serious soul-searching and decide is A)any man’s dick is worth dying for and B)what you are seeking from these people, if you are not seeking love.
Blessings,
Zane
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Physically in Love
Dear Zane,
Okay I have been kind of skeptical about writing you but, I do believe that you can help me. Well, in November of last year, I had my second boyfriend in high school. I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. I met him through my best friend’s boyfriend. Well in that month we went on a date and it was the best night of my life. I mean he is a great kisser, seeing that I only kissed him once. But any who, that night I kind of led him into asking me out and we both were happy or so it seemed.
The next day at school I was all happy because I had a boyfriend and I told everyone at school. When I got home from school he called me and said that he wanted to come over. I told him no, I didn’t think it was such a good idea. Then later on that night he told me that he didn’t think it was such a good idea for us to be together. I told him that I wasn’t mad and it was cool but I realized that I was mad. So I called him back and told him that it would be embarrassing if I go to school the next day saying that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. And also that it hurts me too. The actual situation he was having was that he was talking to this girl before I met him and she was hurt to know that we were going out. So he broke up with me. And I was hurt.But since then we have kept in touch even though he had a girlfriend. And he cheated on her countless times and he tried to make me one of the girls that were an accomplice in this action. But I was smarter than that and decided otherwise. Now don’t get me wrong. I wanted to but I’m not going to be the OTHER woman. I will be the ONLY woman. Okay do you feel me?
This little thing with us has gone on for a year and now he doesn’t has a girlfriend. Oh and that girl, she talked so much smack about me, like I was trying to take him from her. It wasn’t even like that; he was trying to give himself to me. Not like that though; I am a virgin and he is too. This also draws me to him. But now he is single and he keeps flirting with me. Now I love that but I’m not sure that I want him to be my boyfriend. I really do like him, maybe even love, but I just don’t think that I want him like that. I mean mentally he is not the best thing for me. But physically he is. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Signed
Physically in Love
Dear Physically in Love,
Your signature says it all. When it comes down to the mental and physical in a relationship, anyone can really deliver physical pleasure but a mental and emotional connection is much harder to find. There are times in life, and there will probably be many in yours, when too much damage is done early on in a situation to ever backtrack. There will be men who you are feeling that are not good for you and if you give into the physical attraction knowing that, it will only cause you heartache in the end.
Granted, he has not had sex with someone else, nor have you but being that he put you off for so long while he went off and pursued other girls does not make him the one, in my opinion, that you should lose your most precious gift to. He had a choice back then and he broke things off with you to appease another girl. Yes, he made you second fiddle and that is not cool. For you to now say, okay, I will now take a turn after you did your thing makes you look weak. Women should never look weak and give men the upper hand.
Please continue your education and leave yourself free to find someone else. While his intentions may be genuine now, too much has happened and you will always wonder if you are a consolation prize.
Blessings,
Zane
Okay I have been kind of skeptical about writing you but, I do believe that you can help me. Well, in November of last year, I had my second boyfriend in high school. I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. I met him through my best friend’s boyfriend. Well in that month we went on a date and it was the best night of my life. I mean he is a great kisser, seeing that I only kissed him once. But any who, that night I kind of led him into asking me out and we both were happy or so it seemed.
The next day at school I was all happy because I had a boyfriend and I told everyone at school. When I got home from school he called me and said that he wanted to come over. I told him no, I didn’t think it was such a good idea. Then later on that night he told me that he didn’t think it was such a good idea for us to be together. I told him that I wasn’t mad and it was cool but I realized that I was mad. So I called him back and told him that it would be embarrassing if I go to school the next day saying that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. And also that it hurts me too. The actual situation he was having was that he was talking to this girl before I met him and she was hurt to know that we were going out. So he broke up with me. And I was hurt.But since then we have kept in touch even though he had a girlfriend. And he cheated on her countless times and he tried to make me one of the girls that were an accomplice in this action. But I was smarter than that and decided otherwise. Now don’t get me wrong. I wanted to but I’m not going to be the OTHER woman. I will be the ONLY woman. Okay do you feel me?
This little thing with us has gone on for a year and now he doesn’t has a girlfriend. Oh and that girl, she talked so much smack about me, like I was trying to take him from her. It wasn’t even like that; he was trying to give himself to me. Not like that though; I am a virgin and he is too. This also draws me to him. But now he is single and he keeps flirting with me. Now I love that but I’m not sure that I want him to be my boyfriend. I really do like him, maybe even love, but I just don’t think that I want him like that. I mean mentally he is not the best thing for me. But physically he is. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Signed
Physically in Love
Dear Physically in Love,
Your signature says it all. When it comes down to the mental and physical in a relationship, anyone can really deliver physical pleasure but a mental and emotional connection is much harder to find. There are times in life, and there will probably be many in yours, when too much damage is done early on in a situation to ever backtrack. There will be men who you are feeling that are not good for you and if you give into the physical attraction knowing that, it will only cause you heartache in the end.
Granted, he has not had sex with someone else, nor have you but being that he put you off for so long while he went off and pursued other girls does not make him the one, in my opinion, that you should lose your most precious gift to. He had a choice back then and he broke things off with you to appease another girl. Yes, he made you second fiddle and that is not cool. For you to now say, okay, I will now take a turn after you did your thing makes you look weak. Women should never look weak and give men the upper hand.
Please continue your education and leave yourself free to find someone else. While his intentions may be genuine now, too much has happened and you will always wonder if you are a consolation prize.
Blessings,
Zane
Should a Man Have to Lie About His Feelings
This was a very interesting advice email to me because this young man has come to the conclusion that he does not want to lie about his feelings, in order to get a woman. I think a lot of older men could stand to take a lesson from him. Zane
Dear Zane,
I’m young but I know what the meaning of love is, and I’m sick of every woman that I’m in a relationship with throwing that word around like it doesn't have any meaning to them. If they only knew how awkward it felt to hear that and not feel the same way. Now if this only happened a handful of times I would just brush it off, but this has happened frequently. I know that I’m a loveable person but dang!!! I mean it’s gotten so bad that the last three women I have been with have said it in under 2 months. How can u form extreme feelings for a person so quickly?? This causes me to push away from the relationship and often sabotage them. For this reason I don’t really enjoy being in relationships anymore.
Once I even tried explaining to the girl that my feelings toward her haven’t yet escalated that high and it seemed like she understood and even told me that she was okay, but she continued to tell me. She also began to get mad when I wouldn’t say anything back or change the subject WTF!! does she want me to do?? Eventually I had to lie about my feelings for her, and of course she went BALISTIC when I I lost interest in the relationship, so I severed ties with her. My cousin spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said if she sees me walking down the street she’s going to grab me throw me on her couch rape me and brake my @#!$ off WTF!!!!! (Imagine my expression -_-).
I have only been in love once before and I know what it feels like it takes a real bond, connection, and trust to love someone and this takes more than a few months. On top of that someone in love is not willing to let that person slip through their hands so easily.So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my real problem is, what do I do in these situations that women leave me in? Is there some way to tell a woman I don’t love you but don’t get crazy about it? Can I get some help here this is starting to @#$! me off!!!
Signed
THE Love I want is real
Dear The Love I Want Is Real,
Even though you are only 18, you are miles ahead of a lot of older men who insist on lying and claiming to have feelings that they do not have. I appreciate your honestly and the young ladies you are involved with should appreciate it as well. I will not tell someone that I love him if I do not, even if he says it. That is misleading and only leads to deeper issues down the road.
A lot of women equate sex with love and it does not change for some of them, even as they get older. These young ladies probably do feel like they are in love with you because they do not understand it. You should not begin to lie to them to appease them so hold your ground. Tell them you like them, if it is true, but that love takes time to develop and it may or may not even happen. That is not in your hands or hers; we cannot control who we fall in love with.
If you tell a woman that and she goes crazy about it, she is immature. They should be grateful that you are an honest man and not just saying whatever to get their sex. Hold your ground and it will all be okay.
Blessings,
Zane
Dear Zane,
I’m young but I know what the meaning of love is, and I’m sick of every woman that I’m in a relationship with throwing that word around like it doesn't have any meaning to them. If they only knew how awkward it felt to hear that and not feel the same way. Now if this only happened a handful of times I would just brush it off, but this has happened frequently. I know that I’m a loveable person but dang!!! I mean it’s gotten so bad that the last three women I have been with have said it in under 2 months. How can u form extreme feelings for a person so quickly?? This causes me to push away from the relationship and often sabotage them. For this reason I don’t really enjoy being in relationships anymore.
Once I even tried explaining to the girl that my feelings toward her haven’t yet escalated that high and it seemed like she understood and even told me that she was okay, but she continued to tell me. She also began to get mad when I wouldn’t say anything back or change the subject WTF!! does she want me to do?? Eventually I had to lie about my feelings for her, and of course she went BALISTIC when I I lost interest in the relationship, so I severed ties with her. My cousin spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said if she sees me walking down the street she’s going to grab me throw me on her couch rape me and brake my @#!$ off WTF!!!!! (Imagine my expression -_-).
I have only been in love once before and I know what it feels like it takes a real bond, connection, and trust to love someone and this takes more than a few months. On top of that someone in love is not willing to let that person slip through their hands so easily.So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my real problem is, what do I do in these situations that women leave me in? Is there some way to tell a woman I don’t love you but don’t get crazy about it? Can I get some help here this is starting to @#$! me off!!!
Signed
THE Love I want is real
Dear The Love I Want Is Real,
Even though you are only 18, you are miles ahead of a lot of older men who insist on lying and claiming to have feelings that they do not have. I appreciate your honestly and the young ladies you are involved with should appreciate it as well. I will not tell someone that I love him if I do not, even if he says it. That is misleading and only leads to deeper issues down the road.
A lot of women equate sex with love and it does not change for some of them, even as they get older. These young ladies probably do feel like they are in love with you because they do not understand it. You should not begin to lie to them to appease them so hold your ground. Tell them you like them, if it is true, but that love takes time to develop and it may or may not even happen. That is not in your hands or hers; we cannot control who we fall in love with.
If you tell a woman that and she goes crazy about it, she is immature. They should be grateful that you are an honest man and not just saying whatever to get their sex. Hold your ground and it will all be okay.
Blessings,
Zane
Should You Discuss Your Sex Life With Your Child's Other Parent
Dear Zane,
I would like to know your opinion on my situation with my son's father. Ok, he and I are not together. We are just friends so in my mind I am over him and he is over me. We had a conversation that ended in a heated argument; we were talking about sex and stuff, so I was pretty open with him.
He had asked me a sexual question about my daughter's father, so in my mind I am thinking he has invited me to share a sexual experience with him and so I answered it and explained to him how my daughter's father achieved my orgasm. I'm thinking we were cool like that because he took it upon himself to ask me the question. I didn't bring up my daughter's father AT ALL in our conversation. He got real angry and was saying "I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM ANGRY AND UPSET" AND HE SAID THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS PAST THAT. HE ALWAYS THINKS THAT I'M TRYING TO GET HIM UPSET. I'M LIKE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH THEN WHY EVEN ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? NOW WAS I WRONG? I WAS REAL CONFUSED. BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND THAT HE WAS OVER ME.
Yeah I might have said too much revealing information, but I thought he had wanted to hear it because he asked me the question. He said I should have just replied with a YES OR A NO. But I'm thinking, than why do you want to know in the first place? I was thinking he invited me to share a sexual experience. So since he was angry he took it upon himself to try and make me feel low down and worthless, by calling me all kinds of names. He calls himself a real man, a mature man. I don't see no kind of maturity in him, other than he is a great father and is trying to be a good father. Other than that in my eyes he is very immature, to even take it there. When he was the one who started it????? Ok he knew he was wrong, so he apologized. I told him that we were no longer friends at all. I told him the only communication we should have is about our son. Ok he accepted. Ok I start receiving nasty text messages asking me questions as if I’m some whore. He told me that I shouldn't get mad at the way he is coming at me.
He says HE KNOWS ME WELL ENOUGH AND I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH. I told him just because YOU know me that DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT TO COME AT ME LIKE THAT. EVER SINCE WE HAD THAT HEATED ARGUMENT HE WILL NOT RESPECT ME AS A WOMAN. BUT HE CAN ONLY RESPECT ME AS A MOTHER OF HIS SON. JUST BECAUSE I AM HIS BABY'S MOTHER I HAVE TO JUST LET HIM TALK TO ME ANY WAY? I DON'T THINK SO. I AM A WOMAN, A SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO KIDS WHO DECIDED TO REMAIN CELIBATE UNITL I FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME. I'M JUST FED UP WITH HIM.
Signed,
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
It sounds to me like your son’s father still has feelings for you and is jealous about the fact that you have a child with someone else. For him to ask you a question and then get made when you respond is typical behavior for some men. They want to know about a woman’s past but have trouble dealing with the fact that she has a past. I will also say that women are just as guilty, if not more guilty of the same type of behavior. Now he is acting foul and it may be something that he has to get over. Meanwhile, though, he should not be allowed to talk to you in any type of fashion. He has a child with you and he should not be referencing you as a whore. You were good enough for him and he probably knows about your celibacy. I do not know of any celibate whores.
Most of us crave to continue to at least be friends with our exes. After all, at some point, they were a significant part of our lives. In your case, it is not an option because you must show a united front for your child. I would continue to co-parent with him but keep your distance outside of that. I have a feeling that he will come to his senses and get over his pain.
Blessings,
Zane
I would like to know your opinion on my situation with my son's father. Ok, he and I are not together. We are just friends so in my mind I am over him and he is over me. We had a conversation that ended in a heated argument; we were talking about sex and stuff, so I was pretty open with him.
He had asked me a sexual question about my daughter's father, so in my mind I am thinking he has invited me to share a sexual experience with him and so I answered it and explained to him how my daughter's father achieved my orgasm. I'm thinking we were cool like that because he took it upon himself to ask me the question. I didn't bring up my daughter's father AT ALL in our conversation. He got real angry and was saying "I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM ANGRY AND UPSET" AND HE SAID THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS PAST THAT. HE ALWAYS THINKS THAT I'M TRYING TO GET HIM UPSET. I'M LIKE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH THEN WHY EVEN ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? NOW WAS I WRONG? I WAS REAL CONFUSED. BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND THAT HE WAS OVER ME.
Yeah I might have said too much revealing information, but I thought he had wanted to hear it because he asked me the question. He said I should have just replied with a YES OR A NO. But I'm thinking, than why do you want to know in the first place? I was thinking he invited me to share a sexual experience. So since he was angry he took it upon himself to try and make me feel low down and worthless, by calling me all kinds of names. He calls himself a real man, a mature man. I don't see no kind of maturity in him, other than he is a great father and is trying to be a good father. Other than that in my eyes he is very immature, to even take it there. When he was the one who started it????? Ok he knew he was wrong, so he apologized. I told him that we were no longer friends at all. I told him the only communication we should have is about our son. Ok he accepted. Ok I start receiving nasty text messages asking me questions as if I’m some whore. He told me that I shouldn't get mad at the way he is coming at me.
He says HE KNOWS ME WELL ENOUGH AND I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH. I told him just because YOU know me that DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT TO COME AT ME LIKE THAT. EVER SINCE WE HAD THAT HEATED ARGUMENT HE WILL NOT RESPECT ME AS A WOMAN. BUT HE CAN ONLY RESPECT ME AS A MOTHER OF HIS SON. JUST BECAUSE I AM HIS BABY'S MOTHER I HAVE TO JUST LET HIM TALK TO ME ANY WAY? I DON'T THINK SO. I AM A WOMAN, A SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO KIDS WHO DECIDED TO REMAIN CELIBATE UNITL I FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME. I'M JUST FED UP WITH HIM.
Signed,
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
It sounds to me like your son’s father still has feelings for you and is jealous about the fact that you have a child with someone else. For him to ask you a question and then get made when you respond is typical behavior for some men. They want to know about a woman’s past but have trouble dealing with the fact that she has a past. I will also say that women are just as guilty, if not more guilty of the same type of behavior. Now he is acting foul and it may be something that he has to get over. Meanwhile, though, he should not be allowed to talk to you in any type of fashion. He has a child with you and he should not be referencing you as a whore. You were good enough for him and he probably knows about your celibacy. I do not know of any celibate whores.
Most of us crave to continue to at least be friends with our exes. After all, at some point, they were a significant part of our lives. In your case, it is not an option because you must show a united front for your child. I would continue to co-parent with him but keep your distance outside of that. I have a feeling that he will come to his senses and get over his pain.
Blessings,
Zane
Trapped in Serial Monogamy
Dear Zane,
Question for you and your readers: How does someone choose to be single or celibate? I am not single by choice but I need to be single to work on me. I have found myself moving from one unfulfilling relationship to another like an addiction. I have not gone a week without sex since when I was married. How do I enjoy just being alone? I've gotten into some self-help books but lonely and horny does not seem to go away by listening to someone tell me to love myself. So, how do I enjoy being single? What steps should I take to try celibacy? I think I need emotional cleansing but being with someone, anyone is like an addiction.
Trapped in Serial Monogamy
Dear Trapped in Serial Monogamy,
You have fallen into a trap that a lot of men and women fall into. Some feel like they have to constantly be dating or sleeping with someone to feel whole. This can often backfire because when your life is constantly filled with people in your space, Mr. Right might not even be able to darken your doorstep, rather less get inside. My suggestion is that you try to find something else to fill the void. Not forever but just long enough for you to work on yourself, since that is your wish. I have had to take a step back and do that before; to make sure that I was relationship material myself before I sought out one.
It will be interesting to see what others have to say because a lot of people have taken a vow of celibacy and/or have decided to remain single.
Blessings,
Zane
Question for you and your readers: How does someone choose to be single or celibate? I am not single by choice but I need to be single to work on me. I have found myself moving from one unfulfilling relationship to another like an addiction. I have not gone a week without sex since when I was married. How do I enjoy just being alone? I've gotten into some self-help books but lonely and horny does not seem to go away by listening to someone tell me to love myself. So, how do I enjoy being single? What steps should I take to try celibacy? I think I need emotional cleansing but being with someone, anyone is like an addiction.
Trapped in Serial Monogamy
Dear Trapped in Serial Monogamy,
You have fallen into a trap that a lot of men and women fall into. Some feel like they have to constantly be dating or sleeping with someone to feel whole. This can often backfire because when your life is constantly filled with people in your space, Mr. Right might not even be able to darken your doorstep, rather less get inside. My suggestion is that you try to find something else to fill the void. Not forever but just long enough for you to work on yourself, since that is your wish. I have had to take a step back and do that before; to make sure that I was relationship material myself before I sought out one.
It will be interesting to see what others have to say because a lot of people have taken a vow of celibacy and/or have decided to remain single.
Blessings,
Zane
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
God, Sex and Love
Dear Zane,
I would like to tell you how much I love your books! You are an inspiration to me and my group of friends... WE LOVE YOU!!! [SHAME ON IT ALL WAS THE BOMB !]
Well, I am a 20 year old woman and I'm so stuck it is unbelievable. I am a strong believer in GOD and JESUS. I am trying my best to have a personal relationship with the Lord and so far I've had my ups and downs but he's never steered me wrong. The problem is ME, my SEX DRIVE and my longing to be loved by a man. The Bible says not to fornicate and I really been trying and so far, I've only had sex once this year with someone I had been seeing for 6 months. My thing is, I want LOVE, I want to be touched, but I don't want to go against what GOD says for me to do. It’s a constant battle every day! And it seems like now that I have given my life to GOD, more men want me sexually than before and it’s very hard to resist when you have an attractive man by your side with his lips on your neck! So my question is, should I not date? Most men are looking to get sex before they get married and that’s something I'm trying hard not to do. Or... should I continue to date, tell the man that I'm celibate and risk heartache each and every time?? I’m lost.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOD BLESS-
Christian Lover
Dear Christian Lover,
It would be an understatement to say that you are not alone. There are tons of people with your same issue and only you can decide how much you really believe that fornication is a greater sin compared to other sins. All of us are sinners, even if we try to live our lives right.
Your sexuality is a part of your being. All of us got here because someone had sex and without sex, mankind would not exist. You are right, most men today are not going to forgo sex and be in a committed relationship without it. However, there are men who are in the same boat as you and I suggest you seek them out. Maybe your church has a singles group who believe in abstinence. I know for a fact that there are Christian singles dating web sites.
The bottom line is you have to make a personal choice but you cannot impose your beliefs and decisions on another person. Either you will find a man who will cosign on it or you will live your life for the Lord and be single. The only other option is for you to give into your natural feelings and have sex. But realize that we live in an age where more women will never be married in their lifetime than ever. Thus, are you prepared to go your entire life without sex? If you answer is yes, then that is a lovely thing.
Blessings,
Zane
I would like to tell you how much I love your books! You are an inspiration to me and my group of friends... WE LOVE YOU!!! [SHAME ON IT ALL WAS THE BOMB !]
Well, I am a 20 year old woman and I'm so stuck it is unbelievable. I am a strong believer in GOD and JESUS. I am trying my best to have a personal relationship with the Lord and so far I've had my ups and downs but he's never steered me wrong. The problem is ME, my SEX DRIVE and my longing to be loved by a man. The Bible says not to fornicate and I really been trying and so far, I've only had sex once this year with someone I had been seeing for 6 months. My thing is, I want LOVE, I want to be touched, but I don't want to go against what GOD says for me to do. It’s a constant battle every day! And it seems like now that I have given my life to GOD, more men want me sexually than before and it’s very hard to resist when you have an attractive man by your side with his lips on your neck! So my question is, should I not date? Most men are looking to get sex before they get married and that’s something I'm trying hard not to do. Or... should I continue to date, tell the man that I'm celibate and risk heartache each and every time?? I’m lost.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOD BLESS-
Christian Lover
Dear Christian Lover,
It would be an understatement to say that you are not alone. There are tons of people with your same issue and only you can decide how much you really believe that fornication is a greater sin compared to other sins. All of us are sinners, even if we try to live our lives right.
Your sexuality is a part of your being. All of us got here because someone had sex and without sex, mankind would not exist. You are right, most men today are not going to forgo sex and be in a committed relationship without it. However, there are men who are in the same boat as you and I suggest you seek them out. Maybe your church has a singles group who believe in abstinence. I know for a fact that there are Christian singles dating web sites.
The bottom line is you have to make a personal choice but you cannot impose your beliefs and decisions on another person. Either you will find a man who will cosign on it or you will live your life for the Lord and be single. The only other option is for you to give into your natural feelings and have sex. But realize that we live in an age where more women will never be married in their lifetime than ever. Thus, are you prepared to go your entire life without sex? If you answer is yes, then that is a lovely thing.
Blessings,
Zane
Text Message Love-NOT!
Dear Zane,
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
I met this guy 2 and a half years ago on MySpace and we hit it off really well. We went out a few times, I met his mother, and we just clicked. I stayed the night at his house one night after watching him perform in his band. There was a lot of touching and caressing. But no intimacy. Shortly after all of this, he decided to try and make it work with his ex girlfriend. Since then(almost 3 years ago), he does nothing but text me. I try calling him, but he doesn't answer the phone. If I leave a message, he texts me back. I've told him a few times if he can't call to leave me the hell alone. But for some reason, he still sends me texts. 2008.........The texting continues. In some of the texts, he says that he is curious to what would've happened if we continued to date or if we would've had sex that night. In September, he finally called to wish me a happy birthday. But then he starts asking me about my computer and uses that as an excuse to come over. Once he looked at my laptop, we start playing and wrestling around and I could see that he was hard. So, I can tell there's still some attraction to me. In November, he called me again and asked if he could come over and hang out. I said yes, so he came over after work. We stayed in the living room talking and he kept looking at me, telling me I still remind him of his mother(in a good way) and she still talks about me. Somehow, we started talking about sex, and I became the aggressor and initiated the moment. I kissed all over him and we ended up having sex. Now..........His ass is still texting me. I'm tired of it and I jst don't know what to do. We're suppose to be friends, but friends TALK, not text all the time, and hang out. I don't know what it is that he wants and why he wants to keep me around, but I'm confused cause of his actions. Maybe I should get rid of him. If he ever wanted to be more, I wouldn't mind. But I'm in the middle with what he really wants. What do you think? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
There should be no confusion here. His actions say it all. What was the name of that book? He’s Just Not So Into You? If the young man had any real feelings toward you, he would not be texting you ONLY. He would be calling, spending time with you, and expressing feelings. You need to stop being a text buddy with him; not because texting is bad but because you and him are not on the same page. You want him. He does not want you. He might get horny around you but that does not make it genuine feelings. Most men get hard if a woman is in close proximity of them and most will have sex if a woman initiates it. Men who cheat often use that very excuse. “She came onto me so what was I supposed to do?”
Even after sex, he went right back to texting. What could you possibly hope to gain from this? Say the sky falls and he suddenly wants a relationship. There is no indication that he could be trustworthy or sincere based upon his actions for nearly three years. If there was a sincere connection for you two, it would have already happened.
When Your Husband Has No Sex Drive
Dear Zane,
I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.
The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.
Blessings,
Zane
I first want to say "thank you" for empowering black women in your books and TV show. I just started watching you on Cinemax recently; the show is tastefully done and sensual. I have a problem; I have known my husband for over 11 years. However we did not get married until 3 years ago. My husband has a medical problem where he does not produce testosterone. Which means no sex drive. Even when he was on medical testosterone, the sex was not great due to his weight and penis size. I have talked and listened to him for a while and it is just cycling. The same thing every so often. He says he is changing but I don't see ANY change. In the past it was not such a bother but I just turned 31 and I becoming increasingly sexually aroused. To the point of where I am looking for things outside of my marriage. Though I have not DONE anything, it is becoming more and more difficult. Did I mention that I have not had sex in over 2 years and before that (i.e. before we were married, probably only 15 times total in our entire relationship.) Besides the sex, my husband and I are in Christian counseling and he says that he did not and does not trust me. We do not have intimacy of any kind, yet (now here's the REAL problem) he is my best friend. And I really do love him and always have but only in a friendship kind of way. I always told him that I would divorce him before I cheat on him, but now I'm not sure since how difficult it is to have a "good-man" in a black woman's life. But I can't go on like this. Please help.
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You have a difficult situation but, in many ways, it is a situation that you chose. You knew about his issues before you got married, being that there was very little sex. It was predictable that there would come a time when the sex would cease altogether. Now it has and you have your needs; needs that were always there but maybe not as profound. His trust issues are not so much about what you have done but his low self-esteem because as a man, he cannot make love to his own wife. I am sure that is a horrible thing for him. He has taken medication and he cannot change his physical issues. However, I do feel that you should be having some sort of intimacy; even if he cannot penetrate you. You need to discuss this with him.
The other issue is that you married a friend and not someone you were in love with. He is a good man but life only comes around once. I cannot fix this for you and it comes down to this, which you already know. Either you can divorce him to have sex or you can stay married to feel loved. There is no guarantee—especially today—that you will find another man who loves you. You can find ten thousand who will fuck you. But is it worth it? I cannot begin to place myself in your shoes but I hope that if I was with a man who somehow got hurt and could no longer have sex, that I would be able to stay with him. I also hope that works vice versa. Eventually everyone will stop having sex, God-willing that we live long enough. But you are so very young. Let’s see what others think because this is a tough one for me. Ultimately, it comes down to what is more important to you and if you can deal with the ramifications of divorcing a man who has stood by you, and never keep his problems as a secret.
Blessings,
Zane
Ready to Give Up on Love in a Day
Dear Zane,
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
I've known this guy for about 10 years. I met him in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior on his way to play major league baseball. While we dated shortly, he displayed a genuine interest in me but could not pursue the idea because he was on his way to training camp. So for about 5 years, we lost contact and I searched for him. We kept in contact for about a year but lost contact again when he got injured. I work at the college he used to attend so last year, at homecoming, I spotted him and it was like all those feelings came rushing back.
So I took him home and let him let loose all the sexual frustration he has built up over the years. From there, I got the impression that he just was in it for the sex so I took a step back. He would always call and ask if I would come visit him, and I would tell him no because I didn't want a sexual relationship. I would see him periodically after that, when he would come into town, but I refused to sleep with him and he never made a big deal but was still excited to see me. Last weekend, he came down and we hung out , then we has the best sex I have ever had in my life. I finally met a guy who has a sex drive that matches mine.
So afterwards, I made the comment that I wanted him and he responded that I always had him but just didn't want him. We talked and he was talking about we could make a relationship work between us because he lives an hour away and that because of my busy schedule, he had no problems with doing all the traveling. I said that I didn't want a sexual relationship and he agreed. So for about a day I actually thought I was in a relationship but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should. I asked him if we were together. His response to me was let’s take it slow to see if this is what we really want. What the #$%^ does that mean? I mean every time a man says that to me, it ends up meaning they just wanted sex and to keep me giving it up, they say let’s take things slow. So is he in it for the booty or does he really mean let’s go slow so we will have something real?
Signed,
Confused woman
Dear Confused Woman,
What is wrong with taking it slow? Granted, you have known this man for a long time but this is the first time that you both seem to be on the same page. If a man tells you that he has always been yours but you did not want him and then makes a commitment to do the traveling to spend time with you, you should take advantage of that. The sex is great, you have been feeling him for a long time and now, he is ready to see what happens. You cannot expect a man to totally obligate himself in one day. He came to town, you slept together, he did not cut and run, and he wants to see what develops. I do not believe it is all about sex and I do not even know him.
Now you and I both know that you have written me before to complain that it is hard for you to find a man who does not want to just fuck. I think part of the issue is within you because he seems like a good man. Good men need sex, too. You may have turned away some other good men because you feel like they should be ready to make a lifetime commitment immediately.
Rome was not built in a day and I would rather have a man take it slow with me and develop true feelings than to lie to appease me. Quick love tends to end quickly. Here is a chance for you to have what you have always craved. Do not turn this man away by making a ton of assumptions. Judge him by his actions. Now if he does not continue to come see you, communicate with you, and stay true to his word, then you will no. One day is not enough time to even speculate on that. Give the man a chance.
Blessings,
Zane
Star Struck and Dogged Out
Dear Zane,
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
I met this guy about a year ago and I was star struck. I have never met someone like him before. I was so scared to go up to him. I waited four months before going up to him. In the time being I was messing around with this other guy and I got pregnant. During this time the guy that I wanted to talk with, we started to talk and everything. During the month of December things started to get good, but at the same time I was with child and I thought that by me having a child this guy would not talk with me.
To make a long story short he went with me to the doctor to get an abortion. After everything was done he still wanted to be with me. The day of the abortion he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited to be his girlfriend. Every time we saw each other was like magic, and we even spent New Year’s with each other. I love spending every moment with him. We would do everything together; dates, breakfast, lunch. I look forward to our dates. Everything is going good.
Until we move in together and everything seemed so different. I wanted to be with him even more even when we were living together. He is the most honest guy I have ever been with, and he has never cheated. Everyone told me how lucky I was and everything. When he started to go home with family or hanging out with his friends, I wanted him to call just to let me know how he was doing and everything. I thought the entire time that he was with some other girl and the whole time he was not. I would always accuse him of doing this and that when he was faithful to me the whole time.
Until one day he came home and told me that he did not want to be with me anymore, and there was nothing that could be done. I really love him and I was trying my best to work things out for him. He tells me that he does not see us ever getting back together and that’s hurts me so bad. He tells me that we can be friends. He tells me that I will always have a special place in his heart. We still go to the movies and we still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex. Also on his profile we are still listed as a couple. I try every time to ask him if we are ever going to get back together and he tells me no. Sometimes he does not even look at me anymore. And it really hurts. I have been pretending to be another girl, texting him and writing him. At first he wanted to know who she was; now he does not even care. I really want to ask him to spend New Year’s but I’m afraid of what he is going to say. Please tell me what I should do? I really want to work things out with him. The reason why I’m trying so hard is this guy is really a good person, friend and even good in the bedroom. It’s so much more than that. I don’t know what to do please help.
Signed,
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
He sounds foolish. How can he state in one breath that he does not want to be with you anymore and nothing could be done and, in the next breath, still be living with you and sleeping with you. He is with you, for all intents and purposes but I am assuming what he is saying is that he is looking for his next woman and fucking you until he finds her. Men kill me with this nonsense.
I have heard men say that they were not cheating on their women when they got with someone new because the relationship had “been over” but yet they were still married, living together, or dating just like from the get-go. You can try all you want but unless he is on the same page, you are wasting your time and no matter how great you think Mr. Wonderful is, a real man would not do what he is doing. If he does not want you, he would not be there. If he wants to move on, he would not be sleeping with you.
You need to make immediate arrangements to get away from him because he honestly sounds mentally unstable to me. Either that or he is truly foolish. No matter what, he is not for you and for you to bend over backwards to deal with someone who does not want you will only lead to more heartbreak. Once you find yourself driven to the point of playing silly games like texting him pretending to be someone else, it is time to move on. He is nobody’s star.
Blessings,
Zane
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear Zane,
I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancé. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).
We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.
The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.
One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”
To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.
She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.
Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,
You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.
The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.
Blessings,
Zane
I am a 21-year-old young man with a 21-year-old fiancé. Sounds like heaven, right? Well, overall, she’s a good person. We have known each other for seven year and have been best friends and lovers during the latter of that time. She was my first but I was not hers. I was number three back in 2002. I have been in the Army for four years and have been deployed once so far with a deployment to Korea coming up in December. She joined the Army National Guard while I was deployed this past year and is now in Kuwait City, awaiting arrival to Iraq.
We both came from two different worlds. She and her family are better off than myself and needless to say, it was shown through our relationship. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get my finances up and have struggled with the “wine taste on a beer budget” mentality. (So what’s the issue).
We finally made it official that we were going to settle down with each other as adults while I was deployed but beforehand, the question of prior mishaps on both sides and current relationships came up. She said she had none and I said the same. This was five months before I came home. Honestly, the thought of having her to come home to, helped me stay safe in Baghdad.
The day I returned, sure enough she was there, standing tall and that night was as expected “sexually” but emotionally there was a feeling that something was not right. Later, during her two-month stay with me, I started noticing there were never any text messages or phone calls in her phone, except from me. Yet she was always texting when I was not around and then the texting would cease when I arrived.
One day I borrowed her phone for work, so I could set my phone up, and a man began texting her around lunch time, talking about how he wondered why they could not make it official between them and when they could really get together. I played him off, pretending to be her, to see where it would take me. He ended up speaking of a time they had been at a military drill weekend and how “next time he’ll be sure to bring something so they can go all the way.”
To make a long story short, he ended up sending a picture of his manhood to her phone, thinking it was her that he was talking with. I flipped on her; pissed and hurt. Later that night, she told me that she had no idea why the guy was saying those things and she swore she had never done anything with him. But she had to admit to lying to me about her relationship status when I originally asked when I was in Iraq.
She admitted to having slept with another guy she met during military school. Needless to say, the trust was gone at that very moment. But the love that I had for her and the history that we had, combined with me trying to place myself in the shoes of a young, beautiful woman alone who, at the time, must have lost hope about a relationship arising. Now, my question is, I’ll be leaving for two years to Korea and she’ll be in Iraq for a year. The trust is not there and I am so lost. How do I gain back the trust we used to have. Will it ever even come back or am I fighting a losing battle? I really love this girl but the thought of her with another man, when I know what she is capable of doing, is killing me. Please help.
Signed,
A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War
Dear A Soldier Fighting the Wrong War,
You have a very difficult situation and all I can do is attempt to clarify it for you. The woman you are with probably does love you and probably does want to marry you, but you are both still very young. Even if she did sleep with a man at military school, not knowing where things would end up with you, where she crossed the line was when you were back. She was living with you and purposefully hiding the fact that she was communicating with at least one other men. It is a well thought out process to continuously delete text messages and sneak around. She knew what she was doing was wrong but yet, continued to do it. The man who texted you that day was comfortable and it was not the first time. For him to send pictures of his dick means that he felt she wanted to see it and somewhere along the line, something happened but the only thing that prevented sex was lack of protection.
The trust is gone and going to Korea for two years, you will be stressed out daily wondering what she is doing in Iraq. The military is infamous for cheating spouses; not to say that there are those who do remain faithful because everyone is not a cheater. Still, sex is a natural human need and there is a big difference between going a couple of months without it and a couple of years. You could literally put your life on hold for this woman, overlook all the women in Korea for two years, and then come back and find her laid up with another man, your wife or not.
Both of you need to do some serious soul-searching. I believe that you already know that this should end but people stay in relationships, holding out hope and praying that someone will change. She may change as she matures but I feel it would be a huge mistake to get married. In the worst case scenario, if you wait until you get back, both of you will be twenty-three.
Blessings,
Zane
A Gay Version of the Bible?
Now I will have to admit that while I am totally for gay rights and believe that people should be allowed to love who they love and be free to do whatever they want, this is a bit much for me. The Bible is sacred and I am not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, outside of pissing a ton of people off. I seriously doubt that Christian gays would agree with this. I could be wrong though. Am? Blessings, Zane
A gay version of the Bible, in which God says it is better to be gay than straight, is to be published by an American film producer.
New Mexico-based Revision Studios will publish The Princess Diana Bible - so named because of Diana's "many good works," it says - online at www.princessdianabible.com in spring 2009.
A preview of Genesis is already available, in which instead of creating Adam and Eve, God creates Aida and Eve.
According to a report written by David Townsend it states that the ‘gay bible’ writes, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Aida, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from woman, made he another woman, and brought her unto the first. And Aida said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of me. Therefore shall a woman leave her mother, and shall cleave unto her wife: and they shall be one flesh.' And they were both naked, the woman and her wife, and were not ashamed."
The film studio said it would also adapt and direct the revised bible as a two-part mini-series, The Gay Old Testament and The Gay New Testament, once it is completed.
"There are many different versions of the Bible; I don't see why we can't have one," said Max Mitchell, who directed the science fiction comedy "Horror In the Wind," in which an airborne formula invented by two biogeneticists reverses the world's sexual orientation.
"I got the idea for the Princess Diana Bible from "Horror In the Wind," he added. "After the world becomes gay, religious people create The Princess Diana Bible, which says that gay is right and straight is a sin. Then they burn all the King James Bibles."
As expected, the movie has already provoked anger among Christians, with the blogger Douglas Howe at the Idol Chatter site describing it as "inspired by a political agenda and one person's desire to contort not only the text but the very context of it to suit his own perspective".
There was also criticism on Mitchell's Princess Diana Bible site, where one commentator said the choice of title was "very disrespectful to the late Princess Diana ... It's just one more thing to link her to what many people believe is immoral. Sad, very sad indeed."
But Mitchell responds: "There are 116 versions of the Bible, why are any of them better than ours?" (Source: The Guardian)
A gay version of the Bible, in which God says it is better to be gay than straight, is to be published by an American film producer.
New Mexico-based Revision Studios will publish The Princess Diana Bible - so named because of Diana's "many good works," it says - online at www.princessdianabible.com in spring 2009.
A preview of Genesis is already available, in which instead of creating Adam and Eve, God creates Aida and Eve.
According to a report written by David Townsend it states that the ‘gay bible’ writes, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Aida, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from woman, made he another woman, and brought her unto the first. And Aida said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of me. Therefore shall a woman leave her mother, and shall cleave unto her wife: and they shall be one flesh.' And they were both naked, the woman and her wife, and were not ashamed."
The film studio said it would also adapt and direct the revised bible as a two-part mini-series, The Gay Old Testament and The Gay New Testament, once it is completed.
"There are many different versions of the Bible; I don't see why we can't have one," said Max Mitchell, who directed the science fiction comedy "Horror In the Wind," in which an airborne formula invented by two biogeneticists reverses the world's sexual orientation.
"I got the idea for the Princess Diana Bible from "Horror In the Wind," he added. "After the world becomes gay, religious people create The Princess Diana Bible, which says that gay is right and straight is a sin. Then they burn all the King James Bibles."
As expected, the movie has already provoked anger among Christians, with the blogger Douglas Howe at the Idol Chatter site describing it as "inspired by a political agenda and one person's desire to contort not only the text but the very context of it to suit his own perspective".
There was also criticism on Mitchell's Princess Diana Bible site, where one commentator said the choice of title was "very disrespectful to the late Princess Diana ... It's just one more thing to link her to what many people believe is immoral. Sad, very sad indeed."
But Mitchell responds: "There are 116 versions of the Bible, why are any of them better than ours?" (Source: The Guardian)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Forced Into Virginity: An Advice Question
I am a seventeen year old girl. And I am still a virgin. I was raised in a strict Christian household and taught to safe sex for marriage. I have experimented with both oral sex and masturbation but my sister makes me feel like I'm a slut for wanting to be more sexual active. Sometimes I feel like I should save my virginity (the ultimate gift) for my husband, but then sometimes I really become curious. I feel like I'm being forced to stay a virgin sometimes, what should I do??
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
You should wait until there is zero doubt in your mind. Then and only then are you ready to have sex. Your virginity is special and you cannot give it away twice. A lot of women—and even some men—have serious regrets about their first time. Most importantly, whether you wait until marriage or not, do not sleep with someone that you do not love. I mean seriously love. Also, do not have unprotected sex. It seems obvious to me that there is not a special person in your life or you would have mentioned him. You said it, you are curious. That is not nearly enough to make such a sacrifice. As for the religious aspect, everything is taboo when it comes to Christianity, even though sex is prevalent throughout the Bible; any kind of sex you can imagine. Thus, even by masturbating and engaging in oral sex, you have already committed sins. Sins do not come in different degrees. Sexuality is not something that can be turned off like a faucet but you can control how you use and abuse it. I would take my time and wait for the young man to come along who loves you, respects you and is not simply trying to get into your pants.
Blessings,
Zane
What Signs Tell A Woman if a Man is a Good Lover?
What are your thoughts? What type of signs can tell a woman if a man has it going on in bed?
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hello Zane. A little while ago I was reading your manual on how to fuck a man. In it you said there were sign on if a man is a good fuck or not. I just recently relocated to Kentucky to attend school and I was wondering if you could hook a sista up with some of those signs. They guys I have come across thus far are horrible. I need your help bad.
Signed,
The Sign Watcher
Dear the Sign Watcher:
Body language can speak volumes about a man’s bedroom skills. If a man carries himself with confidence, if he is comfortable discussing various topics—especially intimacy, if he looks you directly in your eyes when he speaks, if he touches you a lot in passing and seems affectionate, if he is a good dancer, and definitely when he is a good kisser. Take your time and get to know men well before you sleep with them. Fucking and intimacy are two different things but a creative man can mix the two up well. Check out the men in the Creative Arts like music, drama, journalism, etc. The best aphrodisiac is always the mind.
Blessings,
Zane
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Zane, I have had a long distance relationship with this guy for a year now. He is seven years older than I am and was married but his wife died suddenly some years ago. I got the vibe that I should be careful of his feelings because of this and he told me he hadn't had sex since his wife. Anyway, we had sex for the first time and it was bad!!! His kisses were like a chicken pecking on me and he was so fast at everything. Even when I said slower or slow down it just was not slow enough. He kept telling me how "good and hard" he was going to give it to me, but when I got it, I was turned off. I told him what I liked but it was like he wasn't listening. I like him but I am not sure I can deal with having sex with him. Should I tell him I think we should just be friends?
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Signed,
Hit It Again or Quit It?
Dear Hit It Again or Quit It,
Yes, you need to leave well enough alone and be friends. You cannot be his sex therapist and if it was that bad, vast improvement will not come your way. Since it was a long distance thing anyway, still talk on the phone, make sure he is okay, be concerned about him but search for a man closer to home who can fulfill your needs. He is either not ready or simply ill-prepared and life is too short to make such a great compromise. The fact that he bragged about how he was going to break you off and then came up short—literally—leads me to believe that he honestly perceived that he accomplished something. What was satisfactory to his wife of many years may not measure up to your expectations. Be friends and leave it at that.
Blessings,
Zane
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Zane,
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
I do love your books. I just started reading them and I see that I was missing out on quite a lot. I have a question for you and need your help. I am a young virgin at eighteen and I found this dude who I really like. We have been seeing each other for about a year and we had not slept together so one night we decided to get a hotel and spend a day or two in the mix. We were in the mood and everything was a go, but when he went in, he could only make it halfway. The next day we did it again and he could only make it halfway again. I think it is because I am too tight. He is a big boy, let me tell you, but do you have any advice on how to loosen up. Thanks for the help.
Signed,
Too Tight to Get It Right
Dear Too Tight to Get It Right,
Believe it or not, this is not uncommon and I experienced the same problem for several years. Looking back I am glad that I was forced to wait because he could not get it in. Honestly over the years, I have come to the conclusion that women who are not emotionally prepared for the act have this issue. If you love this young man, and I encourage you to love him first, then you should go the extra mile and see a physician regarding the problem. I know that may seem embarrassing but you need to be comfortable discussing your body anyway—especially with a doctor. You can use lubricant and I am sure you are using condoms, right? If you really want to do this, try it again but use plenty of lubricant and take your time, and most importantly, relax your mind.
Blessings,
Zane
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