Feelings Tied to a Married Man: An Advice Question

Hello Zane, I would first and foremost like to say thank you for taking the time to read my email, secondly I truly enjoy your novels they are a nice escape for me because my real life isn't that interesting. Here is where I come to my situation I'm a 28 year old Solider in the Army, have been for almost ten years now and I have a seven year old son from a previous marriage. I live a normal life, activities with my son, church, school work for both of us and caring for my pooch. In 2010 I started an intimate relationship with a man I worked with; we agreed things would stay as such but with sex comes emotions and feelings. We eventually fell in love and I felt he was the one. We spent various holidays together, trips, and he even bonded to my son. He has a child from his younger days that is 13 and two other children 5 and 3 from his eight year marriage. I was okay with that because everyone has a life before someone. Throughout our relationship I did see "red flags" as they call it like him spending weeks at a time at my home without me even knowing where he lived; his reasoning was that he lived with his cousin and he did not want women brought to his home where he and his wife lived so I respected that. Then he could not produce a divorce decree, we discussed married after a year of being together but there was always an excuse that he wasn't ready. Never meeting his children because he said the mother wouldn't allow it so I had to respect that. Despite all this I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to seem like the stereotypical bitter divorced black woman whom had her husband cheat so all men must be cheaters or untrustworthy. The final "seeing red moment" came just before we deployed a year and a half into our relationship. He decided he wanted to get married upon our return from deployment, live together, finally have the kids together, and he even asked my family for my hand in marriage. A week later I was getting home from church, texted him a question and then came the phone call...."Why are you calling my husband?" In short he was still legally married, her and I spoke and didn't argue. Eventually by the end of the conversation he was truly living a double life! I went into a rage, smashed his car and told him if he ever saw me on the street to act like he never knew me. He was apologetic and said "it was so clear to me in my head, we are separated, we would have been together, everything would have been finalized by then." I saw him one day after we returned from deployment a year and a half. I still felt I needed closure, we spoke, I didn't want that anger on my heart so I just needed to know why? And if anything was it real? I felt I got what I needed and left as a friend because I truly did love him when we were together. A week later we decided to talk at my home, we spoke for hours, even laughed, feelings started to come back I thought were gone forever and one thing lead to another and now here I am with a married man whom says I'm his heart but doesn't know when we'll be together because his wife is using the kids to make him stay. I know I sound like an idiot especially now when I have knowledge of his situation but I can't help but feel DEEPLY in love with this man. We're drawn to each other and yet can't be because of his situation. I know I'm wrong, fully aware but in my heart it's like we're meant to be. In conclusion I'm leaving the service soon I've already got a job offer and I plan to continue my education at home but now I feel tied here because the love I have for him. Zane I would definitely like some advice on the road to take and from your readers as well. Please post this if possible to Facebook I would like to see the feedback. -Thank you Feelings tied to a married man MY RESPONSE: I am posting it on my blog at www.eroticanoir.blogspot.com since someone felt the need to report my Facebook page for a magazine cover. Ridiculous! Anyway, you already know what everyone is going to say. No one is going to suggest that you continue to deal with a married man who you have essentially placed your life on hold for. Nothing is going to change. This time next year, it will be the same thing. This time the year after that, it will be the same thing. If you want to be his lifetime mistress, get comfortable in that role. Many women are mistresses for decades. If you want a man of your own, you need to realize that will never happen with him, despite all the lies he tells you. He is not there for his children. He is there because he wants to be there; it is as simple as that. He is a real piece of work because he went really far with his lies, even with your family. I have a feeling that you will continue along this toxic path so I wish you well with it and pray that you will come to your senses while you are still young enough to start a real family with another man.

A Gold-Digging Stepmother: An Advice Question

Hey Zane, I have recently started following your page on Facebook and I love your advice and would love to hear how you feel about this situation I am going through. You can also post on facebook any advice is welcomed. I am a 23yr old woman engaged to a wonderful 21yr old man we will be getting married in less than 2months.....but his adopted mother has been throwing stones at our relationship since the beginning. Just to give you a little insight my fiance lost his leg in a train accident when he was 15, but he's still a happy, funny and loving person that doesn't let any of that bother him. A little while into our relationship he told me she was taking all of his disability check, making it seem he was incapable of handling it his self, when he's a bright young man and just trusted she was doing right by him. She handled all his business, and I give it to her she did what had to be done. But when we decided to get married she started lying on me, telling him I only wanted his money, that I had credit cards in his name, but when I met him I knew he didn't have a job and I didn't even know he had lost his leg, because when he has his fake leg on and pants you cant tell unless he says something about it. I just knew he was a great person and that I wanted to get to know him better. To clear my name even though he believed me, i looked on his credit report only to find he only had one thing on his report and it looked liked a house loan. So now we wondering if the house that she bought before I met him is in his name. There's a lot of talk about my fiance having money put away from the train accident and that's why she doesn't want him to get married. But I was here when he was broke and I treated him no differently. I really want to have a relationship with her because I love her son with all my heart, but how can I just sit and smile when she's trying to ruin our wonderful relationship? We have worked so hard, we have our own house, our wedding is paid for(with no help from his side) and that really bothers him. She treats him like a little kid and has no respect for him as a man. He has matured and respects me to the fullest, I just want to make him happy and have a relationship with his mother, BUT I won't let her break up our happy home. MY RESPONSE: It is obvious that her main interest in preventing him from getting married is financial. I would not allow her to control a thing and as a grown man, he can handle his own money. If she is somehow getting the money via mail, he needs to change the address. If she is getting it automatically deposited into her account, he needs to stop that immediately. There is nothing she can do about it unless the courts have made her his legal guardian past the age of adulthood. As far as the mortgage on his credit report, you can easily found out what that is about by calling the company listed, giving his social security number and finding out. If she did that without his knowledge, they will handle that. He should not be worried about the wedding costs because the bride's family generally covers the expenses. Just be happy that you have found a good man. A lot of women are still looking. If she wants to act a fool, that is on her and if it goes too far, I would not allow her to attend the wedding. That is your special day. Good luck.

Waiting to Get Busy: An Advice Question

Dear Zane I love your books. I have read a good amount of them and have been for almost six years now. I really enjoy all the advice that your books have and the great storylines. I admire your view on sex and how you allow your characters ( especially the women) to feel and be sexually free. Thanks for writing how I feel I guess…. But I am in a bit of trouble and could use some serious help. My man and I have just started dating so I don’t feel obligated to have sex with him. As much as my mind objects to the idea of being sexually involved so early, my body just speaks a totally different language when I’m around him. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out because ever since we started dating my sex drive has been crazy. I have to masturbate at least four times a day just to be sexually satisfied before I go to sleep. What should I do? I want to please my man and myself but I think it is way too early in the relationship to do so. If I was a man I’m sure I’d have blue balls by now. Also I need some advice on how to give good head because maybe if we please each other orally this problem may lessen or go away till we decide to have sex. What’s the best position and how can I really impress my man. It’s not my first time but I want my first time with HIM to be the best yet. Sincerely Loaded Chocolate Bomb MY RESPONSE: For the life of me, I cannot figure out why you young ladies believe that having oral sex is different than engaging in the sexual act. Both are intense forms of intimacy and you are not going to earn any extra brownie points by holding out on the goods if you are going to give him head. Just my opinion. As far as technique, I literally wrote the book on that one. Dear G Spot: Straight Talk about Love, Sex, and Relationships breaks every type of sex down in detail. You can also go to Sexinfo101.com and check out all of their positions and sex tips. Good luck.

Unspoken Desires: An Advice Question

Hello Zane, I love your books! I know the world is going crazy over the Shades Grey trilogy but those book have nothing on yours. With that said this is my issue. I been have been going steady with a young lady who is everything to me in my life. She is beautiful inside and out. She is everything this man needs and more. We do not argue and the communication is great. I grasp the concept of listening and talking to my lady. Sex is good! At first she use to like me playing with ass hole as she rides me but now she does not like it. And you know how men ask their lady for some loving. She does not like that so I stop, because she said it makes her feel pressured to have sex. So I just initiate sex by kissing her and rubbing her all over. But then when I am in initiating mode, out no where she will say:" what are you doing" and she uses that line lot and at first it would not bother me but now my wood gets limp when she says it. We have discussed it and she said I am over thinking things. She is more of a free sprit when she have a few hooks in her and sex is off the chain. But when she is sober I have to ask for oral, lick my ass or ride me backward things like that. Now she tells me she like doing these things but if I do not suggest it, it will not want happen. What should I do? Thanks Overthinkingman MY RESPONSE: You have to realize that your woman may not be as sexual as you are naturally. Having to ask her to do things means that she is either doing them solely to please you or she is uncomfortable with initiating such things. My suggestion is to go with the flow and stop over thinking the matter, like she said. You do not want her to feel like you are only engaged in the relationship because of sex or make her feel like she is not up to par sexually...not if you truly care about her. Great communication and no arguments go a long way. You may not find that in another woman so easily. I would be patient and maybe if you stop putting her on the spot, she will start feeling more at-ease and do things out of the blue to shock you. Good luck.

Upcoming Zane Events and Zane's Sister's Literary Debut

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Pot Luck Book Giveaway #2

Since many of our galleys no longer have 10 copies to giveaway, this is a POT LUCK giveaway. Each winner will receive Two free books. If you are one of the first ten people to respond to my blog, please send an email to ZanesRightHandChick@gmail.com with your name on here and your real name and address.

Thanks,
Zane

Pot Luck Book Giveaway

Since many of our galleys no longer have 10 copies to giveaway, this is a POT LUCK giveaway. Each winner will receive Two free books. If you are one of the first ten people to respond to my blog, please send an email to ZanesRightHandChick@gmail.com with your name on here and your real name and address.

Thanks,
Zane

Zane's Birthday Weekend in the DMV

Zane's Birthday Weekend--August 26th-August 28th, 2011





I just left the Metro Points hotel. I went over there to make sure that everything was to my standards, to look at the guest rooms once again and the ballroom. It's hot! There is a Starbucks across the street and an IHOP connected to the hotel itself. Room rates for August 26th-August 29th are $89 per night per room, which includes a buffet breakfast for everyone. You have to call the hotel directly at 301-459-6700. The code for the group rate is obvious: PLANET ZANE



www.metropointshotel.com



The cost for the weekend activities will be $200 if paid by check or money order and $212 if paid by PayPal to cover our fees through them. Go ahead and book the room if you are coming. If you are in a party that wishes to have connecting rooms, I will also get that information later. We are going to block out floors in groups of 25 rooms per floor.





If you plan to come to the event and want registration and payment instructions, please send an email to: ZanesRightHandChick@gmail.com. Include your name, city, phone number, and best email and the number of people you wish to register. If I only know you via Facebook, please also include your screenname and the screennames of those attending with you. Registration money will be due no later than July 10, 2011.





The weekend events will be:





Friday, August 26th 7:00 PM-2:00 AM Dinner Buffet/Dance, Metro Points Hotel by Sheraton, New Carrollton, MD





Saturday, August 27th 10:00 AM-5:00 PM Six Flags America, Bowie, MD (People can go as they like. Tickets will be handed out on Friday in your registration packet.)





Saturday, August 27th Time TBD Private Party at Night Club





Sunday, August 28th 1:00 PM-9:00 PM Zane's Birthday Party Cookout, Mayo Beach, Annapolis, MD





Thanks,

Zane

Moving without a Ring.

Dear Zane,

First and foremost, allow me to say thank you for novels that are intensifying to the mind, body and soul! My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, on and off. We both decided to give up the lives we once led to share one together. He is twenty-seven with one child and I am twenty-six with no offspring…at the moment! This is the first consistent year that we have been together. We now live together. However, he is beginning his law career in another state next year and asked me to come with him. I happily agreed. Because of our past, I wanted to take precautions. Would it be absurd for me to insist that we become engaged before we continue our journey together?

Signed,
Needed Advice

Dear Needed Advice,

What would be absurd is for you not to insist on being engaged—or better yet married—before you move with him to another state. While you are both still relatively young (under 30), six years is long enough for anyone to test drive a vehicle for any journey, like the one you have agreed to take together. You already live together, you have accepted his child, but now you are planning to make a huge sacrifice by following the man across state lines. I commend you for wanting to make sure that you will not find yourself in a crazy predicament after giving up so much to be with him. If he is not ready to get married, or at least ready to start making preparations to get married, you should reconsider the move. That does not mean that the relationship has to end but you certainly have to protect your best interest.

Blessings,
Zane

Sexing the Wrong Man

Dear Zane,

I have been sexing my godmother’s best friend that she’s in love with. She has no clue. The sex is great and he brings out all of the freak in me. He’s the best man that I’ve ever fucked…period. His head game is also the best. We were giving each other head before we fucked. He makes me feel so comfortable with myself. We can text and talk for hours. He has had sex with her a number of times but lately, he says he’s only been fucking me. I want him all to myself but I know that’s not possible. Should I leave him alone totally or continue as we are?

Signed,
Sexing the Wrong Man

Dear Sexing the Wrong Man,

You are definitely not going to like my response. Hell yes, you should leave his nasty ass alone. What would make you want to suck on or spread your legs for a man who is doing the same thing to your godmother? You should find the mere thought of that repulsive but it is obvious that he has penis-whipped you into a mental lapse.

Your godmother is much more important in your life than this man who has no self-respect and, thus, certainly has no respect for you, or her. There are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too many men in this world for you to share one PERIOD, rather less with someone who regards you highly enough to agree to be your godmother.

Ironically, you mention not a single word of having any feelings for him. Only that he has a serious head game and brings out the freak in you. This “sexing” might last for a hot minute, he might teach you a few tricks, but in the end, you will be left feeling like a trick. Regardless of what he says to you, you are nothing but a piece of meat to him. How could you be anything more?

You need to stop talking this fool’s calls, text messages, emails, or any other form of communication. Times are hard but they are not that damn hard. You need to leave him alone and you also need to work on self-love because it is ridiculous for you to even entertain sleeping with him, rather less actually doing it. As to whether or not you should tell your godmother, that it tricky. If you tell her, she will definitely be hurt because she has trusted both of you. If you don’t tell her, you are leaving her in the arms of a predator and she will ultimately be hurt anyway. I guarantee you that he is bullshitting you about not sleeping with her anymore. He is still sleeping with her and probably a few other chicks that you don’t know about. You can do better. Great sex is cool but not at such a high expense.

Blessings,
Zane