Dear Zane,
First of all, I want to say I love your books. You keep it real. What I want to talk to you about is my depression. A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I decided to move in together and he was always so good to me. Until one day I came home earlier than expected and he had some girl in the bed. I kicked his ass out, because a man only has one time to cheat on me and that’s it. The problem is, I am tired of guys always taking my kindness for granted. I changed myself since last year, because I would say whatever to a guy and not care. And I was told I should be nicer to guys. But when I am nice they take all I do for granted and I am so tired of it.
I am depressed because I am tired of being used and it stresses me out. Sometimes I cry at night to go to sleep. At times, I feel good, then at times I feel sad all of a sudden and I sit in the dark and cry. I have my own apartment, my own car and I have a good paying job, but I shouldn't be this depressed. I am only 23. Life is unpredictable and it’s hard for me right now. I don't know what I should do about this depression. I have never been this depressed before, and my friends said they never seen me this way and they are always concerned, making sure I’m okay. I lie and say I am fine, because I don't want them to worry. But I am actually hurting like hell on the inside. Thank you for reading in advance.
Signed,
Stressed and Depressed
Dear Stressed and Depressed,
You are young and you have so much in front of you. At 23, you have accomplished much and you should be delighted about that. The problem is that you are allowing your connection with men to define who you are. If I have said this once, I have said it a thousand times, men should not define us, they should enhance us. When they take away from our emotional well-being, our health, when they stress us out and treat us like shit, they are not enhancing a damn thing.
For you to come home from work and find another woman in your home, in your bed, means that he was definitely not the man for you. I believe what happened was a blessing for if you had not witnessed such disrespect with your own eyes, you might still be hitching your flag to a falling star. He made a choice and it was probably not the first time he cheated. For him to be bold enough to bring someone into the home you share, one can only imagine what he was doing out in the streets. He is not looking for a woman who has her own place, her own car and a good-paying job. He is looking for a skank that would lay up in another woman’s bed while she is at work.
As much as you want to give up on love, do not, but take your time. You are making unwise decisions and possible rushing into relationships. Try the single life for a while; date without making a commitment. Make a man put in time and effort to become a part of your life. Do not be depressed. Give yourself one more night to feel sorry for yourself. Cry all night tonight if you have to but tomorrow morning, you pick yourself and your heart up from the ashes and reinvent yourself.
Do not play the victim because predators will pick up on that and use you accordingly. We do not seek love; we attract it. If you continue to feel depressed, seek help. None of those bastards are worth it. You have way too much going for you.
Blessings,
Zane
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Should One Act on Temptation?
Dear Zane,
Here is the situation, well possible situation. I am wondering if I should act on it. I was married for 6 years, my ex has a best friend (they barely talk now). While we were married, I met his best friend after years of hearing them talk and even chit chatting once or twice over the phone. To my surprise, there was instant chemistry. I was hoping it was just felt by me and that I could just shake it off. I began trying to hook him up with my best girlfriend, mostly so I would never be tempted. Now, years later and divorced, we (the ex's best friend and I) keep up with each other. He is off again, on again with my best girlfriend. We have never done anything and I have never told him that I felt something and always wondered what could be. I've never told my girlfriend either.
OK, so my mind tells me that a relationship with him would be just plain wrong on SOOOOO many levels. But what if it would be great for us? Should I even pursue this? He has been nothing but a friend, offering a place to stay for my son and me, if we ever travel in his direction. He offered again this coming January when I relocate but I will be without my son, it would just be me and him. Should I just keep it friendly or see what develops? Take a chance?
Thanks,
Don't want to hurt the other people involved
Dear Don’t Want to Hurt The Other People Involved,
You should keep it friendly. You are wrong on a ton of levels and nothing good could come from this. Your best friend has been with this man for years, at your suggestion. Do not turn this into a Jerry Springer segment. A lot of women find themselves attracted to mates of their friends, but real friends never act on it. In fact, most women would never even contemplate it. You are in a unique situation because you got to know him outside of him being her man, because he was best friends with your ex-husband. Thus he is nice to you, willing to help you out, and he is being a friend. There is not a guarantee that he would even go for it, and if he does, he is pure pit. You would be a fool to get with a man who would cheat on his woman of many years with her best friend, not to mention the ex-wife of one of his buddies; even if they have not spoken lately.
Since you are relocating there, you need to get yourself in check quick. Get over that temptation and meet some other men there, but leave your friend’s man alone and let them work out their issues.
Blessings,
Zane
Here is the situation, well possible situation. I am wondering if I should act on it. I was married for 6 years, my ex has a best friend (they barely talk now). While we were married, I met his best friend after years of hearing them talk and even chit chatting once or twice over the phone. To my surprise, there was instant chemistry. I was hoping it was just felt by me and that I could just shake it off. I began trying to hook him up with my best girlfriend, mostly so I would never be tempted. Now, years later and divorced, we (the ex's best friend and I) keep up with each other. He is off again, on again with my best girlfriend. We have never done anything and I have never told him that I felt something and always wondered what could be. I've never told my girlfriend either.
OK, so my mind tells me that a relationship with him would be just plain wrong on SOOOOO many levels. But what if it would be great for us? Should I even pursue this? He has been nothing but a friend, offering a place to stay for my son and me, if we ever travel in his direction. He offered again this coming January when I relocate but I will be without my son, it would just be me and him. Should I just keep it friendly or see what develops? Take a chance?
Thanks,
Don't want to hurt the other people involved
Dear Don’t Want to Hurt The Other People Involved,
You should keep it friendly. You are wrong on a ton of levels and nothing good could come from this. Your best friend has been with this man for years, at your suggestion. Do not turn this into a Jerry Springer segment. A lot of women find themselves attracted to mates of their friends, but real friends never act on it. In fact, most women would never even contemplate it. You are in a unique situation because you got to know him outside of him being her man, because he was best friends with your ex-husband. Thus he is nice to you, willing to help you out, and he is being a friend. There is not a guarantee that he would even go for it, and if he does, he is pure pit. You would be a fool to get with a man who would cheat on his woman of many years with her best friend, not to mention the ex-wife of one of his buddies; even if they have not spoken lately.
Since you are relocating there, you need to get yourself in check quick. Get over that temptation and meet some other men there, but leave your friend’s man alone and let them work out their issues.
Blessings,
Zane
In Doubt About Love
Dear Zane,
I want to start off with YOU are a very gifted person. I love your books and I haven't been able to watch your show...YET. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now. It hasn't been a perfect relationship cause if it was, I wouldn't be writing this. He slept with his daughters' mother last summer. Against my gut feeling, we got back together. After that incident, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and went through almost a year of pain, therapy, meds, and not holding a job. He has financially supported me so I am thankful. I've tried to trust him but we've had issues with the baby mama, co-workers, and talking to other chicks on the phone. I've broken up with him, threatened to leave him, and threatened to show him how I feel by doing the same. The only problem is tit-4-tat has never been my style and I do love him. I feel financially, I would be fucked. I am starting a new job soon but once I start getting back on my feet money wise, I don't want to give him my ass to kiss. Most of my past relationships have involved domestic violence, the man being on drugs, and me being committed to the man. I feel the little stuff I put up with him is minor compared to what I could be dealing with. But all in all, my question is do I stay knowing there is a trust issue or just let him go?
Signed,
In Doubt
Dear In Doubt,
I am going to do something highly unusual for me. Most of the time, when a man has cheated, I immediately tell the woman to leave his ass. He slept with his ex last summer and he was dead wrong for that. However, he has supported you in your time of need and that is commendable. What it really comes down to for me is what are the current issues with his baby mama, co-workers and other chicks? If he is disrespecting you or sleeping around, his ass needs to go. If he has friends and has dealings with the mother of his child because, well, she is the mother of his child, then that is a different matter. But if you are truly unhappy, set yourself free. If you believe that he loves you, and will not cheat on your again, then maybe, just maybe, you should attempt to work things out.
Blessings,
Zane
UPDATE: Sometimes I respond to emails but do not post them to my blog right away. Thus I often get responses or updates back and that is such the case with this one. This is what the young lady decided to do:
Thank you so very much for taking time out your schedule to respond to my letter. After I sent you the message, my boyfriend and I sat down and had a long talk. The main problem I have is being able to trust him again. He admitted that he may not be mentally ready to give me the relationship that I want and I am not about to share him with other females. We decided to end the relationship and remain "friends". The friends thing is because I haven't started my new job yet and still need his help financially and we are roommates with two other friends in which the lease isn't up until March. After that, I am moving in a spot with my three kids and won't see him so regularly. I would like to make it work but talking to him told me that it's not going to stop. On that note, I wish you and your family Happy Thanksgiving.
MY RESPONSE:
Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. You have made the right and mature decision; as did he. Most people will not admit the truth, trying to save feelings that ultimately get hurt even worse. By realizing that the future is bleak, you have taken the first step to ensuring your happiness. Remember that you do not have to sacrifice your own happiness to help someone else.
I want to start off with YOU are a very gifted person. I love your books and I haven't been able to watch your show...YET. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now. It hasn't been a perfect relationship cause if it was, I wouldn't be writing this. He slept with his daughters' mother last summer. Against my gut feeling, we got back together. After that incident, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and went through almost a year of pain, therapy, meds, and not holding a job. He has financially supported me so I am thankful. I've tried to trust him but we've had issues with the baby mama, co-workers, and talking to other chicks on the phone. I've broken up with him, threatened to leave him, and threatened to show him how I feel by doing the same. The only problem is tit-4-tat has never been my style and I do love him. I feel financially, I would be fucked. I am starting a new job soon but once I start getting back on my feet money wise, I don't want to give him my ass to kiss. Most of my past relationships have involved domestic violence, the man being on drugs, and me being committed to the man. I feel the little stuff I put up with him is minor compared to what I could be dealing with. But all in all, my question is do I stay knowing there is a trust issue or just let him go?
Signed,
In Doubt
Dear In Doubt,
I am going to do something highly unusual for me. Most of the time, when a man has cheated, I immediately tell the woman to leave his ass. He slept with his ex last summer and he was dead wrong for that. However, he has supported you in your time of need and that is commendable. What it really comes down to for me is what are the current issues with his baby mama, co-workers and other chicks? If he is disrespecting you or sleeping around, his ass needs to go. If he has friends and has dealings with the mother of his child because, well, she is the mother of his child, then that is a different matter. But if you are truly unhappy, set yourself free. If you believe that he loves you, and will not cheat on your again, then maybe, just maybe, you should attempt to work things out.
Blessings,
Zane
UPDATE: Sometimes I respond to emails but do not post them to my blog right away. Thus I often get responses or updates back and that is such the case with this one. This is what the young lady decided to do:
Thank you so very much for taking time out your schedule to respond to my letter. After I sent you the message, my boyfriend and I sat down and had a long talk. The main problem I have is being able to trust him again. He admitted that he may not be mentally ready to give me the relationship that I want and I am not about to share him with other females. We decided to end the relationship and remain "friends". The friends thing is because I haven't started my new job yet and still need his help financially and we are roommates with two other friends in which the lease isn't up until March. After that, I am moving in a spot with my three kids and won't see him so regularly. I would like to make it work but talking to him told me that it's not going to stop. On that note, I wish you and your family Happy Thanksgiving.
MY RESPONSE:
Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. You have made the right and mature decision; as did he. Most people will not admit the truth, trying to save feelings that ultimately get hurt even worse. By realizing that the future is bleak, you have taken the first step to ensuring your happiness. Remember that you do not have to sacrifice your own happiness to help someone else.
Putting The Spark Back In Your Marriage
Dear Zane,
Do you have any suggestions on getting the spark back in your marriage? I don’t think my husband knows how to satisfy me. We have been married for nine years. What can I do or how can I tell him that he is not pleasing me, without hurting his pride? Please help me or direct me to the right direction. I love my husband and I want it to work, but I’m to the point that I am daydreaming about being with someone else, just so I can get a fix. I am a big fan of yours and I used to read your books to him so he could get the hint but it doesn’t work. What should I do?
Signed,
Too Young To Be In This Situation
Dear Too Young to Be In This Situation,
You are dealing with a very common situation. So many married couples lose the passion that first got them together. Time itself changes people and then you have to add in life’s events. I am not making any excuses for your husband but you married him for better or for worse. That means if he ends up crippled in a wheel chair and cannot use his dick at all, you are supposed to be faithful. Cheating is not an easy answer or an answer at all, unless you are prepared to end your marriage over a piece of dick. If your husband has been good to you in every other way during your marriage, you have to work this out.
Facing him head on is certainly not the answer. Outside of reading my books, what have you done to reignite the fire in your marriage? Have you met him at the door butt naked with a ribbon on? Have you planned a sexy and erotic weekend getaway? Have you fed him chocolate covered strawberries and licked champagne off his chest? So many times women complain about lack of good sex in their marriage but they wait for the man to improve and never look at how they can improve and enhance things themselves.
If you have Cinemax on Demand or know someone who does, go watch the pilot of “Zane’s Sex Chronicles.” The character Lyric complains to her friends that she and her husband Estaban have not had sex in months and comes to the conclusion that he is not into her anymore. Once she decides to take matters into her own hands, things change quickly. You have to take the leap and do something freaky. Now if he does not respond after numerous attempts at that, then you may need to consider other options like counseling.
Blessings,
Zane
Do you have any suggestions on getting the spark back in your marriage? I don’t think my husband knows how to satisfy me. We have been married for nine years. What can I do or how can I tell him that he is not pleasing me, without hurting his pride? Please help me or direct me to the right direction. I love my husband and I want it to work, but I’m to the point that I am daydreaming about being with someone else, just so I can get a fix. I am a big fan of yours and I used to read your books to him so he could get the hint but it doesn’t work. What should I do?
Signed,
Too Young To Be In This Situation
Dear Too Young to Be In This Situation,
You are dealing with a very common situation. So many married couples lose the passion that first got them together. Time itself changes people and then you have to add in life’s events. I am not making any excuses for your husband but you married him for better or for worse. That means if he ends up crippled in a wheel chair and cannot use his dick at all, you are supposed to be faithful. Cheating is not an easy answer or an answer at all, unless you are prepared to end your marriage over a piece of dick. If your husband has been good to you in every other way during your marriage, you have to work this out.
Facing him head on is certainly not the answer. Outside of reading my books, what have you done to reignite the fire in your marriage? Have you met him at the door butt naked with a ribbon on? Have you planned a sexy and erotic weekend getaway? Have you fed him chocolate covered strawberries and licked champagne off his chest? So many times women complain about lack of good sex in their marriage but they wait for the man to improve and never look at how they can improve and enhance things themselves.
If you have Cinemax on Demand or know someone who does, go watch the pilot of “Zane’s Sex Chronicles.” The character Lyric complains to her friends that she and her husband Estaban have not had sex in months and comes to the conclusion that he is not into her anymore. Once she decides to take matters into her own hands, things change quickly. You have to take the leap and do something freaky. Now if he does not respond after numerous attempts at that, then you may need to consider other options like counseling.
Blessings,
Zane
When Your Man Admits He Is Not Good Enough For You
Dear Zane,
First, let me say that I am loving the show so much that I am having dreams of having the best sex with the man of my dreams, but I can never see his face. That goes into my story. I have known this guy for two years now. I met him on MySpace and since then, he has been on my mind strong. I have met his family and they have taken me in as if I am was a part of them. Now, after two year, I have been asking him why we are not an official couple yet.
Oh, let me tell you, he lives about an hour and an half away from me and he has no car so I drive that distance almost three or four times a week to see him. He also has no job but that has only been for the past month, and he lives with his brother. Anyway, I asked him why we are not together and he says it is because he does not feel like he is man enough to be with anyone at this moment. I can respect that but then, at the same time, he says that he cares about me and that I am a good woman and that he does not want to lose me in his life. I am so confused because my heart says to stick it out and wait until he gets what he needs but my brain says I am crazy. He does nothing for me as a woman and he cannot do anything and waiting for a man that is not showing you that he is working toward those things is stupid. I love this man so much but I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Ms. Confused
Dear Ms. Confused,
You already know that your situation is ridiculous. Even though he has only been out of work for a month, you have too much going for you to be with someone who admits that he is not man enough to be in a relationship. Most men will not admit that and think they are a prize. At least he recognizes that having you drive that far several times a week when he has zero to offer you is not fair.
I understand that you care about him but after two years, he should be able to do offer something to this union, even if that means having a car to come see you sometimes. Women should not expect men to carry them financially but men should be able to take care of themselves.
You made an unwise choice by getting involved with him in the first place, and now your feelings are caught up. Love means a lot but it is not everything and he is sending you all kinds of hints, without coming flat out and saying that this can never work. I do not profess to know all the details but you would not have emailed me if your gut instincts were not telling you to end it. The only question is how much more of your life do you instead to waste on a dead end.
Blessings,
Zane
First, let me say that I am loving the show so much that I am having dreams of having the best sex with the man of my dreams, but I can never see his face. That goes into my story. I have known this guy for two years now. I met him on MySpace and since then, he has been on my mind strong. I have met his family and they have taken me in as if I am was a part of them. Now, after two year, I have been asking him why we are not an official couple yet.
Oh, let me tell you, he lives about an hour and an half away from me and he has no car so I drive that distance almost three or four times a week to see him. He also has no job but that has only been for the past month, and he lives with his brother. Anyway, I asked him why we are not together and he says it is because he does not feel like he is man enough to be with anyone at this moment. I can respect that but then, at the same time, he says that he cares about me and that I am a good woman and that he does not want to lose me in his life. I am so confused because my heart says to stick it out and wait until he gets what he needs but my brain says I am crazy. He does nothing for me as a woman and he cannot do anything and waiting for a man that is not showing you that he is working toward those things is stupid. I love this man so much but I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Ms. Confused
Dear Ms. Confused,
You already know that your situation is ridiculous. Even though he has only been out of work for a month, you have too much going for you to be with someone who admits that he is not man enough to be in a relationship. Most men will not admit that and think they are a prize. At least he recognizes that having you drive that far several times a week when he has zero to offer you is not fair.
I understand that you care about him but after two years, he should be able to do offer something to this union, even if that means having a car to come see you sometimes. Women should not expect men to carry them financially but men should be able to take care of themselves.
You made an unwise choice by getting involved with him in the first place, and now your feelings are caught up. Love means a lot but it is not everything and he is sending you all kinds of hints, without coming flat out and saying that this can never work. I do not profess to know all the details but you would not have emailed me if your gut instincts were not telling you to end it. The only question is how much more of your life do you instead to waste on a dead end.
Blessings,
Zane
Husband Material
Dear Zane,
It's been a while since I've written you. Congrats on your show; it is off the hook. I TIVO it every Friday. I'm writing to ask you a question. I’m sure you get this a lot but I really need your help. I'm a nice-looking, hard-working brother that can't get his relationship house in order. Why is it that women say they want a good man but when they get one, they say he's too nice? What the hell does that mean?
I have no baggage, I don't cause drama, and I'm respectful. I just met this chick that is using me to make her baby-daddy jealous. This guy does not take care of his kids and has cheated on her. I have stepped in and done my best to show her I'm here for her but I can't get her to see that I'm a good man. I am a balanced guy with looks, a good job, good sex, and personality. But women always say I'm husband material. I thought being husband material was a good thing but it appears to be a curse.
So with all these dead beats out here...why do women want guys that treat them so bad? Is our society this backwards? Please help me. Hey...u can hook me up with Patrice Fisher! (LOL) Continued luck and love for your continued success. Have a good one!!
Signed,
Husband Material
Dear Husband Material,
You are picking the wrong women, women with serious issues and low self-esteem. A lot of women do not believe a relationship is genuine unless it is plagued with drama, competing for their men, and even verbal and physical abuse. It can stem from how they were raised and what they witnessed. That is why it is so vital for women not to subject their children to a bunch of nonsense, because they are simply creating the next generation of themselves.
Why would you even try to prove yourself to a sister who is using you to make her baby daddy’s jealous? If she cannot see that you are a good man, you need to move on instead of competing for her affections with a man who does not even do for his kids. Any woman who expects love and respect from a man who can turn his back on his children is only asking for trouble. She must crave it like her next breathe. Move on and leave her to regret her behavior ten years down the road when that idiot is still mistreating her.
While a lot of society is backwards, there are normal women who want a man like you. The problem is that you are running after the wrong women. You are settling for a situation that you know is not right for you and you can expect nothing but what you are getting because of it. Just do not allow the experiences with these silly women to turn you into a non-caring man. Then that will only men the good man dating pool decreasing by yet another member.
Blessings,
Zane
It's been a while since I've written you. Congrats on your show; it is off the hook. I TIVO it every Friday. I'm writing to ask you a question. I’m sure you get this a lot but I really need your help. I'm a nice-looking, hard-working brother that can't get his relationship house in order. Why is it that women say they want a good man but when they get one, they say he's too nice? What the hell does that mean?
I have no baggage, I don't cause drama, and I'm respectful. I just met this chick that is using me to make her baby-daddy jealous. This guy does not take care of his kids and has cheated on her. I have stepped in and done my best to show her I'm here for her but I can't get her to see that I'm a good man. I am a balanced guy with looks, a good job, good sex, and personality. But women always say I'm husband material. I thought being husband material was a good thing but it appears to be a curse.
So with all these dead beats out here...why do women want guys that treat them so bad? Is our society this backwards? Please help me. Hey...u can hook me up with Patrice Fisher! (LOL) Continued luck and love for your continued success. Have a good one!!
Signed,
Husband Material
Dear Husband Material,
You are picking the wrong women, women with serious issues and low self-esteem. A lot of women do not believe a relationship is genuine unless it is plagued with drama, competing for their men, and even verbal and physical abuse. It can stem from how they were raised and what they witnessed. That is why it is so vital for women not to subject their children to a bunch of nonsense, because they are simply creating the next generation of themselves.
Why would you even try to prove yourself to a sister who is using you to make her baby daddy’s jealous? If she cannot see that you are a good man, you need to move on instead of competing for her affections with a man who does not even do for his kids. Any woman who expects love and respect from a man who can turn his back on his children is only asking for trouble. She must crave it like her next breathe. Move on and leave her to regret her behavior ten years down the road when that idiot is still mistreating her.
While a lot of society is backwards, there are normal women who want a man like you. The problem is that you are running after the wrong women. You are settling for a situation that you know is not right for you and you can expect nothing but what you are getting because of it. Just do not allow the experiences with these silly women to turn you into a non-caring man. Then that will only men the good man dating pool decreasing by yet another member.
Blessings,
Zane
Discreet Freak
Dear Zane,
How do I bring more spontaneous sex into my life? Women are attracted to me, can tell within seconds I’m a "nice guy." I want to get my freak on all the time but when I’m honest and direct, they are disappointed because they thought I was a nice guy at first. If I’m slow and beat around about it, they want more than just a serious discreet freak session...I want to know how to make women choose me for freak sessions, kind of like the guy at the library that "she" fucks in that story Nervous. I am a nice guy, Zane. I don’t beat up on women or anything like that, but I hope you feel my question.
Signed,
Discreet Freak
Dear Discreet Freak,
Nice guys can be freaks. What I am getting is that women are assuming that you want a serious relationship, but are upset when they find out you want to get freaky with them and that’s about it. This tells me that somewhere along the line, you are sending the wrong vibes, or approaching the wrong women. There are plenty of women seeking friends with benefits and nothing more these days. A lot of them are sick of being unappreciated and misused and have decided that sex with no ties is better than wasting time and effort of loving someone.Still be nice but be upfront from jump if that is all you are looking for. Of course, the risk in that is that you might end up overlooking your soul mate while you are trolling for pussy.
Blessings,
Zane
How do I bring more spontaneous sex into my life? Women are attracted to me, can tell within seconds I’m a "nice guy." I want to get my freak on all the time but when I’m honest and direct, they are disappointed because they thought I was a nice guy at first. If I’m slow and beat around about it, they want more than just a serious discreet freak session...I want to know how to make women choose me for freak sessions, kind of like the guy at the library that "she" fucks in that story Nervous. I am a nice guy, Zane. I don’t beat up on women or anything like that, but I hope you feel my question.
Signed,
Discreet Freak
Dear Discreet Freak,
Nice guys can be freaks. What I am getting is that women are assuming that you want a serious relationship, but are upset when they find out you want to get freaky with them and that’s about it. This tells me that somewhere along the line, you are sending the wrong vibes, or approaching the wrong women. There are plenty of women seeking friends with benefits and nothing more these days. A lot of them are sick of being unappreciated and misused and have decided that sex with no ties is better than wasting time and effort of loving someone.Still be nice but be upfront from jump if that is all you are looking for. Of course, the risk in that is that you might end up overlooking your soul mate while you are trolling for pussy.
Blessings,
Zane
The Other Woman
Dear Zane,
I have a friend whom I've been sexually involved with for 6 years off and on. Our relationship began because he was cheating on his girlfriend. I know as a woman who has been cheated on, that it was wrong. But, at the time in my life I truly didn't care. I saw him as an unsatisfied man, who needed sexual pleasure as much as I did. And, I wasn't looking to make him my man. It was just sex!
But, as weeks turned into months, and months into years, something else began to happen. We began hanging out and loving that we had so much in common, as well as not wanting to commit to one another. Bottom line; it was fun! We ended up unwillingly separating for about 4 years. Just recently we reconnected and it feels like we never left each other. But, again, he's in another relationship.
That doesn't stop us from seeing each other. He says he wishes I was around before he began this relationship, so he could be with me. He feels it's unfair to leave her for me. "It wouldn't be right," he says. Huh, my thoughts to that are, "What we are doing isn't right". But, I continue because I crave this man. I'm a 26 and he's 36. I've always been the dominate one in my relationships. But, when I'm with him he has the control and it's refreshing. Finally, a man. All my relationships have been with boys.So here's the story. Just a week ago he calls me and asked me did I send his girl a note on MySpace (he is calm in his tone and sweet when he asked). I told him I would never do that (I can hear her in the back yelling). So, he says hold on and she gets on the phone. (I'm confused about what's about to happen at this point) She begins by saying, “I got this message from you” (which is a lie) and she begins to read a private note I wrote him.....I couldn't believe it! It was my note (full of details about past encounters between us).
I'm screaming inside, asking myself "why didn’t he delete it?" So, we were caught. But, I couldn't confirm that it was true. She just kept asking me, "Is this true?" I just said "No". :( He gets back on the phone; I told him it wasn't me. And, he says he believes me (while she's right there), he continues by saying someone has gotten into his account so don't worry about it. And, the conversation ends. I'm sitting there wondering what just happened and reality hits. "It's over!" But he tells me the next day that we have to stop seeing each other (which I expected) but, that he still loves me and it's just for awhile. "Till things cool down," is what he says.
Now, I'm missing my good friend, but even more confused than ever. Zane, I love this man, but I don't want to wait (I've been waiting too long all ready). Why wouldn't he just leave her and come to me? Or, leave me and stay with her? He would always say, "you have kids, and I don't want to come into your life without anything to offer." Could that be why he won't commit to me? Do I let him go and hope he comes around when he's single, so we can begin this the right way? Or am I being played for a fool?
Sincerely,
The Other Woman
Dear The Other Woman,
You are being played for a fool. The question is not why he won’t leave her and come to you or leave you alone and stay with her. Both of you are allowing him to do whatever the hell he wants. She is stupid for staying with him after she found irrefutable evidence that he is cheating with you and you are stupid for giving up your pussy out of both sides of your drawers for years to a man who does not give a shit about you. I hate to be so harsh but you need a serious wake up call.
You cannot let someone go that you have never had and he has never been yours. You have been his, to use and abuse at his beck and call. For him to tell you that you have to cool off for awhile so he can straighten out his shit, is crazy. No, you do not need to deal with him. Not today, not next year, not the next century. Even if he ends up available, do not ever entertain giving him the time of day. You have kids to think about and you are risking your life, YOUR LIFE, by dealing with him.
He is never going to make a real commitment to you or anyone. He is in his mid-thirties and playing twenty-year-old games. Any man who is still a pussy hound at that age will never stop.
Blessings,
Zane
I have a friend whom I've been sexually involved with for 6 years off and on. Our relationship began because he was cheating on his girlfriend. I know as a woman who has been cheated on, that it was wrong. But, at the time in my life I truly didn't care. I saw him as an unsatisfied man, who needed sexual pleasure as much as I did. And, I wasn't looking to make him my man. It was just sex!
But, as weeks turned into months, and months into years, something else began to happen. We began hanging out and loving that we had so much in common, as well as not wanting to commit to one another. Bottom line; it was fun! We ended up unwillingly separating for about 4 years. Just recently we reconnected and it feels like we never left each other. But, again, he's in another relationship.
That doesn't stop us from seeing each other. He says he wishes I was around before he began this relationship, so he could be with me. He feels it's unfair to leave her for me. "It wouldn't be right," he says. Huh, my thoughts to that are, "What we are doing isn't right". But, I continue because I crave this man. I'm a 26 and he's 36. I've always been the dominate one in my relationships. But, when I'm with him he has the control and it's refreshing. Finally, a man. All my relationships have been with boys.So here's the story. Just a week ago he calls me and asked me did I send his girl a note on MySpace (he is calm in his tone and sweet when he asked). I told him I would never do that (I can hear her in the back yelling). So, he says hold on and she gets on the phone. (I'm confused about what's about to happen at this point) She begins by saying, “I got this message from you” (which is a lie) and she begins to read a private note I wrote him.....I couldn't believe it! It was my note (full of details about past encounters between us).
I'm screaming inside, asking myself "why didn’t he delete it?" So, we were caught. But, I couldn't confirm that it was true. She just kept asking me, "Is this true?" I just said "No". :( He gets back on the phone; I told him it wasn't me. And, he says he believes me (while she's right there), he continues by saying someone has gotten into his account so don't worry about it. And, the conversation ends. I'm sitting there wondering what just happened and reality hits. "It's over!" But he tells me the next day that we have to stop seeing each other (which I expected) but, that he still loves me and it's just for awhile. "Till things cool down," is what he says.
Now, I'm missing my good friend, but even more confused than ever. Zane, I love this man, but I don't want to wait (I've been waiting too long all ready). Why wouldn't he just leave her and come to me? Or, leave me and stay with her? He would always say, "you have kids, and I don't want to come into your life without anything to offer." Could that be why he won't commit to me? Do I let him go and hope he comes around when he's single, so we can begin this the right way? Or am I being played for a fool?
Sincerely,
The Other Woman
Dear The Other Woman,
You are being played for a fool. The question is not why he won’t leave her and come to you or leave you alone and stay with her. Both of you are allowing him to do whatever the hell he wants. She is stupid for staying with him after she found irrefutable evidence that he is cheating with you and you are stupid for giving up your pussy out of both sides of your drawers for years to a man who does not give a shit about you. I hate to be so harsh but you need a serious wake up call.
You cannot let someone go that you have never had and he has never been yours. You have been his, to use and abuse at his beck and call. For him to tell you that you have to cool off for awhile so he can straighten out his shit, is crazy. No, you do not need to deal with him. Not today, not next year, not the next century. Even if he ends up available, do not ever entertain giving him the time of day. You have kids to think about and you are risking your life, YOUR LIFE, by dealing with him.
He is never going to make a real commitment to you or anyone. He is in his mid-thirties and playing twenty-year-old games. Any man who is still a pussy hound at that age will never stop.
Blessings,
Zane
Mute and Mesmerized
Dear Zane,
I am 22 years old and I am from Atlanta. I love watching your show. This last one about the photographer and the woman kind of hit home for me something serious. I had a shoot with this guy and he is gorgeous. Lately I have really been fantasizing about him. While I was there, he was kind of flirting with me sexually and he told me that I was the goofiest model and the most fun he and his side man had ever shot. I am really digging him and I want to tell him but from past experiences that I have encountered, I do not know how to talk to a man that I am interested in. My self-esteem is kind of low and he is the total package. I am torn because I do not know if it was just playful banter or if he was serious. Should I keep it strictly business or go for the gold? Please help me.
Signed,
Mute and Mesmerized
Dear Mute and Mesmerized,
I would call him up and ask how he is doing, or contact him via the Internet and see what kind of reaction you get. If he wants to pursue something with you, he will. Men usually do not play games. Maybe he was genuinely interested but being that it was a professional situation, he did not want to risk how it would look to ask you out. Now that the photo shoot is done, contacting him will show him that he is on your mind and it is the only way that you will ever find out if he is feeling you or not. Women feel that they have to act like they want to fuck a man to show interest and they fear rejection. You can simply approach him in a friendly matter and let nature take its course.
Blessings,
Zane
I am 22 years old and I am from Atlanta. I love watching your show. This last one about the photographer and the woman kind of hit home for me something serious. I had a shoot with this guy and he is gorgeous. Lately I have really been fantasizing about him. While I was there, he was kind of flirting with me sexually and he told me that I was the goofiest model and the most fun he and his side man had ever shot. I am really digging him and I want to tell him but from past experiences that I have encountered, I do not know how to talk to a man that I am interested in. My self-esteem is kind of low and he is the total package. I am torn because I do not know if it was just playful banter or if he was serious. Should I keep it strictly business or go for the gold? Please help me.
Signed,
Mute and Mesmerized
Dear Mute and Mesmerized,
I would call him up and ask how he is doing, or contact him via the Internet and see what kind of reaction you get. If he wants to pursue something with you, he will. Men usually do not play games. Maybe he was genuinely interested but being that it was a professional situation, he did not want to risk how it would look to ask you out. Now that the photo shoot is done, contacting him will show him that he is on your mind and it is the only way that you will ever find out if he is feeling you or not. Women feel that they have to act like they want to fuck a man to show interest and they fear rejection. You can simply approach him in a friendly matter and let nature take its course.
Blessings,
Zane
In Love But Not In Lust
Dear Zane,
I am twenty four years young and currently in a relationship of four and a half years. I am deeply in love with my man. My problem is that our sex life is not where it is supposed to be. I have a very strong sexual appetite but it goes right out the door with him. I am really not interested in having sex with him anymore.
I was molested when I was younger and I have a real dislike for older men. I kind of believe that is why I am not interested in him. He is only twenty six but he acts much older. I have gotten to the point where I do not know if I want to remain in this relationship or leave it. I feel that I have put too much time into this to simply walk away. When it is time for bed, I put on sweat and go right to sleep. I do not even attempt to have sex with him. When he does try, I grow very irritated. It makes me cringe to even think about having sex, let alone performing it. Even when we do have sex, I put a pillow over my head and remain silent.
He has asked me what is wrong but I cannot tell him. I am afraid that it is going to hurt his feelings. This man loves me dearly and would do anything for me. I have started to feel like we have become more like friends than being in a relationship. I am scared to leave him because I do not want to grow old with anyone else but him.
Also, we both have stepped out on each other before but we have discussed it and we remained together. I stepped out on him with a woman. I am bisexual but we do not talk about it. I have never told him; only a select few of my friend know this. He has asked if that is what I want but I told him no. I really do not know what to do anymore. Please assist me and post this in your blog so I can get the advice of others as well.
Signed,
In Love But Not In Lust
Dear In Love But Not In Lust,
You have a serious mess on your hands, and I am not joking when I say that. There are numerous things going on here but the main issue is that you are not sexually attracted to your man. You do not want to hurt his feelings but believe me, by putting a pillow over your head during sex and being quiet, you have done that already. It is only a matter of time before he will seek intimacy again in the arms of another, if he is not doing it already. To be honest, I cannot even blame him when he does, but he should end the relationship first. Both of you stayed because you feel like too much time has been put in but let me give you an analogy.
I constantly see people on these court television shows fighting over a cell phone bill. They get a cell phone for someone else in their name and the person does not pay the bill. Instead of paying the disconnect fee, they continue to allow the person to rack up high monthly bills and then it gets all blown out of proportion. Pay the disconnect fee.
I am not even going to go into the thing with women, the cheating on both of your parts, and the daily depression that must settle over your household when you are together. You are a hypocrite, young lady. You do not want him but you do not want to grow old without him. He loves you and will do for you so you think it is better to stay and take advantage of him then to let him move on and find a woman to reciprocate his feelings. You are being selfish and you can mark my words, it will backfire. When it does, it will not be pretty.
Blessings,
Zane
I am twenty four years young and currently in a relationship of four and a half years. I am deeply in love with my man. My problem is that our sex life is not where it is supposed to be. I have a very strong sexual appetite but it goes right out the door with him. I am really not interested in having sex with him anymore.
I was molested when I was younger and I have a real dislike for older men. I kind of believe that is why I am not interested in him. He is only twenty six but he acts much older. I have gotten to the point where I do not know if I want to remain in this relationship or leave it. I feel that I have put too much time into this to simply walk away. When it is time for bed, I put on sweat and go right to sleep. I do not even attempt to have sex with him. When he does try, I grow very irritated. It makes me cringe to even think about having sex, let alone performing it. Even when we do have sex, I put a pillow over my head and remain silent.
He has asked me what is wrong but I cannot tell him. I am afraid that it is going to hurt his feelings. This man loves me dearly and would do anything for me. I have started to feel like we have become more like friends than being in a relationship. I am scared to leave him because I do not want to grow old with anyone else but him.
Also, we both have stepped out on each other before but we have discussed it and we remained together. I stepped out on him with a woman. I am bisexual but we do not talk about it. I have never told him; only a select few of my friend know this. He has asked if that is what I want but I told him no. I really do not know what to do anymore. Please assist me and post this in your blog so I can get the advice of others as well.
Signed,
In Love But Not In Lust
Dear In Love But Not In Lust,
You have a serious mess on your hands, and I am not joking when I say that. There are numerous things going on here but the main issue is that you are not sexually attracted to your man. You do not want to hurt his feelings but believe me, by putting a pillow over your head during sex and being quiet, you have done that already. It is only a matter of time before he will seek intimacy again in the arms of another, if he is not doing it already. To be honest, I cannot even blame him when he does, but he should end the relationship first. Both of you stayed because you feel like too much time has been put in but let me give you an analogy.
I constantly see people on these court television shows fighting over a cell phone bill. They get a cell phone for someone else in their name and the person does not pay the bill. Instead of paying the disconnect fee, they continue to allow the person to rack up high monthly bills and then it gets all blown out of proportion. Pay the disconnect fee.
I am not even going to go into the thing with women, the cheating on both of your parts, and the daily depression that must settle over your household when you are together. You are a hypocrite, young lady. You do not want him but you do not want to grow old without him. He loves you and will do for you so you think it is better to stay and take advantage of him then to let him move on and find a woman to reciprocate his feelings. You are being selfish and you can mark my words, it will backfire. When it does, it will not be pretty.
Blessings,
Zane
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