Dear Zane,
First off, let me say I love your books. I love to read adult romance books. It seems the only thing that gets me excited besides porn. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, sex isn't for me, I don't think. What I'm about to tell you only three others know but I need some help. I want to feel like a woman, like you speak about in your latest book, where your fans wrote letters and you wrote back and I haven't found a situation like mine. I thank God no one else had to go through what I did but you give great advice and I terribly need it.
I'm 22 years old, an Aquarius, and I love to write poetry (if you read some of my blogs you will see). I'm a country girl through and through and I love caramel and chocolate men and women. I'm bi-curious; more comfortable around men when discussing personal things, and I love to watch porn and sports. My dad was murdered by my mother when I was just two years of age, and I was isolated from my dad's family(my brother and sister; both half), aunts, uncles, and cousins.Ever since birth, my mother has or has allowed abuse in every way. When I was two, she killed my dad in front of me; although I knew nothing of the sort but that's what his brothers and sisters told me when I first met them at 18.I then learned, at age five, one my cousins saw my mother push me off a couch while I was sleeping. I had dreams where I go asleep on a bed or couch and wake up on the floor with a bruise on my head or with a headache and they say dreams link from past or future or even present.At age eight, I was molested by my 58-year-old babysitter. He didn't have a dick; it was cut off in the war and he kept it. He was my babysitter for a year and never tried anything. But he hurt me so bad I can't have kids till this day. I lived in a small ass town where not even before you busted your nut that they knew who you were doing. Everyone was against me, even after they knew about the medical evidence and his child came up in court to say he did the same thing to her. Anyway, she acted as though she was the perfect mother. I later found out she told everyone that I was making it up. I became anorexic and bulimic, weighing 90 lbs. in the 3rd grade, my mother made me feel fat. I was her personal slave and a punching bag. She knew what to say and how to push things.
Before even entering adolescent years, I had low self esteem; so low that I wanted to die. I almost tore my esophagus up. I was anorexic/bulimic up to 7th grade, my hair fallen out was too evidential and I later became a self mutilator. At 17, I was raped; only I didn't know I was raped. Always thought rape was when you said no and someone pressed it anyways, but I later found out when I was diagnosed with PTSD that you can get raped mentally as well. From 6th grade up to 10th grade practically every birthday from 16-19, I was in and out of hospitals every year, self mutilating, drinking oven cleaner, pills on top of pills; pretty much everything but each time I woke up by the grace of God.
I divorced my mother at age 18 and moved in with my old babysitter; he was alright at first but then he turned into my mother after a triple bypass surgery; mentally abusing me, leaving me in fear and thinking I'm only good when working fast food, shoveling shit, or laying my legs down for the rest of my life that would all I be. So at age 19, I left home and went to church one night and never came back. With only the clothes I had on and a few items like pictures and id, I stayed with a few friends, then later lived in a shelter for a few months till I got introduced into job corps back in Kentucky, where I later transferred to TCU in DC.
Thought things were going good and my past was left behind, but like my life when things get good, something or someone comes along and brings the storm. My mother found out what school I was in and called; luckily my RA heard the shit she said, saying she killed my dad because she loved me and he was trying to kill me when it was vice versa and crap and told her to leave me be. If that wasn't bad enough I kept getting sexually assaulted at school. One guy would touch me in a certain way, one made me give head to him in the theatre. My 21st b-day, feb 11th, I got raped by one of my other so called friends, then raped again by another so called friend in March of last year, then again in March 2008 but no one knows about the March of this year, which is funny. I was molested in March 96.Sex just isn't for me. Could you please give me advice? I'm afraid my mother and all of my so called friends have made me not desire sex.
Signed,
In Dire Need of Help
Dear In Dire Need of Help,
I do not even know where to begin. I read your email over and over again and you are a strong young lady and I will keep you in my prayers. It does not take a rocket scientist to realize that all of the molestation that you have endured in your past has caused you to feel uncomfortable and turned off when it comes to sex. All of your offenders need to be up underneath a jail and not out walking around free.
Your mother is nothing short of disgusting. I get angry when I think about any woman who could mistreat any child, rather less her own. I am going to assume that she somehow got away with killing your father and it may or may not have been for a legitimate reason but her treatment of you should have landed her behind bars. For her to say that you were lying about the babysitter abusing you shows that she is not mentally stable.
As for your babysitter, if I understand you correctly, you later went and moved in with him? Many victims grow attached to their abusers and if that was the case with you, then I am truly sorry. You need help and not the kind that I can give you via email. If you email me privately at endeavors@aol.com, I will try to find you some real help to cope with your situation but you have to be willing to accept it and open up about what has happened.
Please do not hurt yourself anymore, either by drinking oven cleaner or self-mutilation. That is not going to solve anything and the world needs you. You have been through so much and survived and that means that you are here for a reason. Let's find out what that is.
Blessings,
Zane
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Conflicted In Love
Dear Zane,
I was with this guy for a little over two years. He cheated on me, then shortly after we both found out I was pregnant. I couldn't let go of the pain of him cheating and always threw it in his face that he hurt me. We broke up not too long after that (I was still pregnant). He remained in my life and still went to doctor's appointments and was there when I gave birth as well; not to mention he is still around on the daily. We go shopping for our child together and just hang out. Until I started dating this new guy, we would go out to movies and dinner as well.
I started dating my new guy about a year after me and my ex broke up and he is so sweet to me and my child. And I feel myself falling for him but I'm scared. Part of me still feels love for my ex but I don't know if I should go back to that chapter in my life. (Would it still be considered the same chapter if he says he's learned from his mistakes?) Should I continue seeing this new guy? I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to lose such a good guy either. What do I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Conflicted in Love,
You are trying to have your cake and eat it too and that is not fair. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were Door A, B, or C for a man with other women behind the other two doors.
Either you need to leave your ex as an ex, or try again, and only you can make that determination. It is definitely a new chapter because you have been in a relationship with someone else. That will have some sort of effect on dealing with your ex. You need to think long and hard about what happened before and whether or not, despite his talk, that you believe he has changed. People rarely change their habits and beliefs but it is possible. There are some men who do learn their lesson when they lose someone and vow to never make the same mistakes. However, that is rare. He might lure you away from a good man and then revert back to his old ways, as soon as he knows the coast is clear.
Unless your new man has done something to hurt you, I would continue to give him a shot. But you have to make a choice and you need to do it immediately before you lose both of them for good.
Blessings,
Zane
I was with this guy for a little over two years. He cheated on me, then shortly after we both found out I was pregnant. I couldn't let go of the pain of him cheating and always threw it in his face that he hurt me. We broke up not too long after that (I was still pregnant). He remained in my life and still went to doctor's appointments and was there when I gave birth as well; not to mention he is still around on the daily. We go shopping for our child together and just hang out. Until I started dating this new guy, we would go out to movies and dinner as well.
I started dating my new guy about a year after me and my ex broke up and he is so sweet to me and my child. And I feel myself falling for him but I'm scared. Part of me still feels love for my ex but I don't know if I should go back to that chapter in my life. (Would it still be considered the same chapter if he says he's learned from his mistakes?) Should I continue seeing this new guy? I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to lose such a good guy either. What do I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Conflicted in Love,
You are trying to have your cake and eat it too and that is not fair. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were Door A, B, or C for a man with other women behind the other two doors.
Either you need to leave your ex as an ex, or try again, and only you can make that determination. It is definitely a new chapter because you have been in a relationship with someone else. That will have some sort of effect on dealing with your ex. You need to think long and hard about what happened before and whether or not, despite his talk, that you believe he has changed. People rarely change their habits and beliefs but it is possible. There are some men who do learn their lesson when they lose someone and vow to never make the same mistakes. However, that is rare. He might lure you away from a good man and then revert back to his old ways, as soon as he knows the coast is clear.
Unless your new man has done something to hurt you, I would continue to give him a shot. But you have to make a choice and you need to do it immediately before you lose both of them for good.
Blessings,
Zane
Vagina Farts
Dear Zane,
I am 17 yrs old and not a virgin. I'm a bit shy about what I'm about to ask you so if you think I'm rambling I am truly sorry. When having sex I noticed that when my boyfriend is pulling out of my vagina it makes a noise that sounds as if it farted. I become so embarrassed I feel as if I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear. My boyfriend doesn't seem to notice, and if he does he acts like nothing happened. I just wanted to know if that was normal and if you can explain why it happens. I know you are not a doctor but your books are so sexual, I know you must know a lot about sex and understand the bodies of both the male and female beings.
Signed,
Noisy
Dear Noisy,
Air can get pushed into the vaginal cavity during rough or fast sex. It is then expelled, creating a farting noise. That is perfectly normal and no cause for concern. You should not be embarrassed because you are not farting from your ass and it is not a fart at all. It is simply part of the suction process involved with sex and unless a man is filling up a woman completely, then when he goes in and out, noise will occur.
Blessings,
Zane
I am 17 yrs old and not a virgin. I'm a bit shy about what I'm about to ask you so if you think I'm rambling I am truly sorry. When having sex I noticed that when my boyfriend is pulling out of my vagina it makes a noise that sounds as if it farted. I become so embarrassed I feel as if I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear. My boyfriend doesn't seem to notice, and if he does he acts like nothing happened. I just wanted to know if that was normal and if you can explain why it happens. I know you are not a doctor but your books are so sexual, I know you must know a lot about sex and understand the bodies of both the male and female beings.
Signed,
Noisy
Dear Noisy,
Air can get pushed into the vaginal cavity during rough or fast sex. It is then expelled, creating a farting noise. That is perfectly normal and no cause for concern. You should not be embarrassed because you are not farting from your ass and it is not a fart at all. It is simply part of the suction process involved with sex and unless a man is filling up a woman completely, then when he goes in and out, noise will occur.
Blessings,
Zane
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Zane,
I recently started reading your blog and I see that you help misguided men and women in their relationships, so I have a situation to discuss with you......I am 23 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. I love him to death and I think he is the man that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is our sex life. He is a little on the "small" side, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled after we have sex. Now don't get me wrong, in the right position, I make it do what it do....but I don't want to have to do that the rest of my life. Am I wrong for letting sex determine if I should marry a man or not?
Signed,
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Lifelong Love or Lust,
Only you can decide the degree of importance sex has in your life. He is not going to suddenly grow a bigger dick and you already know how to make it work and what to expect. No miracles are going to occur. After three years, there must be a lot more to him, for you to be contemplating marriage. Women throughout the ages (and men) have had to make some sacrifices in the name of love. If he respects you, cares for you, and loves you, those three things put you ahead of the game. The grass is rarely greener on the other side; it is usually dirt.
I do not want you to think that I take your question lightly. I realize that your concern is genuine or you would not have reached out to me. But I can only advise you from afar. You are the one living your life and there is still time to consider your options. Unless he is pressing you into marriage, and I did not hear anything about a proposal, then go with the flow and see where your heart leads you.
Blessings,
Zane
I recently started reading your blog and I see that you help misguided men and women in their relationships, so I have a situation to discuss with you......I am 23 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. I love him to death and I think he is the man that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is our sex life. He is a little on the "small" side, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled after we have sex. Now don't get me wrong, in the right position, I make it do what it do....but I don't want to have to do that the rest of my life. Am I wrong for letting sex determine if I should marry a man or not?
Signed,
Lifelong Love or Lust
Dear Lifelong Love or Lust,
Only you can decide the degree of importance sex has in your life. He is not going to suddenly grow a bigger dick and you already know how to make it work and what to expect. No miracles are going to occur. After three years, there must be a lot more to him, for you to be contemplating marriage. Women throughout the ages (and men) have had to make some sacrifices in the name of love. If he respects you, cares for you, and loves you, those three things put you ahead of the game. The grass is rarely greener on the other side; it is usually dirt.
I do not want you to think that I take your question lightly. I realize that your concern is genuine or you would not have reached out to me. But I can only advise you from afar. You are the one living your life and there is still time to consider your options. Unless he is pressing you into marriage, and I did not hear anything about a proposal, then go with the flow and see where your heart leads you.
Blessings,
Zane
Am I Ready?
Dear Zane,
I married at 19 and within the first year, found myself unhappy and ready to call it quits. By year 2, I had cheated and turned right around and told my husband. I think this was my way out but I was a coward about it. I stayed and fell into the "Good Wife" role, ignoring the fact that I was unhappy because I thought guilt outweighed unhappiness. By year 4, I had cheated again and vowed never to tell my husband, never to do it again and if I did...it wouldn't be cheating because I would be a single woman. I obviously didn't want to be here. He found out about a year later. In year 5 we had a baby (I had gotten back into "Guilty Good Wife" routine).
By year 6, I had had enough of trying and by year 7, we were divorced. This relationship was mentally draining and I had built up some emotional walls to help me stay in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I am afraid emotionally and physically, I will take these problems into my next relationship. Since I have been a single woman (Since Feb 08), I have gotten to do a lot of the things I didn't allow myself to do because I was married so young. I have found them to be fun but not fulfilling. I have also found that when trying to be in a new relationship, I cheat. I have found myself juggling 3 guys at a time.
This guy I am with now, he was my friend first and heard the stories about the other guys. We were finally intimate after 8 months of friendship. It was great but soon after, I fell into old habits. The first month we were together, I cheated twice. The problem could be that I never considered myself his girlfriend. I have been faithful for months two and three but find myself asking the question why...I do not want to be anyone's wife right now but I also do not want several partners. I would like one guy but I do not want to feel caged in. So far, in this new relationship, he has found naughty text messages between me and a guy I was with before him and I lied about something small and told him right away.
What is wrong with me? Maybe I just do not want to be in a relationship or maybe he just is not the one. I am thinking that when the one comes I will know but I hope that when the one comes, I am not too busy looking behind him trying to figure if he is the one to notice. Or maybe I am not ready so soon after my divorce to date. I just don't know how to work on the issues in my backpack from my marriage. Zane, what do you think?
Signed,
Am I Ready
Dear Am I Ready,
I believe that you need to take time to heal after your divorce. Even though you were the one constantly cheating, your ex-husband was a part of your life for a long time. As far as you sleeping with all of these men, it almost seems like some sort of defense mechanism, even during your marriage. It is almost as if you feel, deep down inside, that as long as you are not totally committed to one man, you somehow have the upper hand in a relationship.
I am not suggesting that it is against the rules for a single woman to date several men and exercise her options. The problem with you is that you want to be in a relationship but still roam. This is a reversal of the way a lot of men think. Men will be dating more than one woman at a time but lead each one to believe they are the only one. That way, they believe that all the women will be monogamous with them, even though they are fucking around. They cannot deal with the thought of their women bedding other men. Your plight seems similar. You want a man to be with only you but you want to have a sense of freedom and the ability to step out, if you want. You say that you do not want to sleep with various men and you also do not want to feel caged in. You have no idea what you really want and there is no rush. Take your time. You have not even been single a year.
As for your current man, you two may be better off remaining friends. Tell him that even though you have been intimate for three months, in all fairness, you are not ready to make a commitment and you do not want to ruin your friendship. Otherwise you are stirring up a recipe for disaster.
Blessings,
Zane
I married at 19 and within the first year, found myself unhappy and ready to call it quits. By year 2, I had cheated and turned right around and told my husband. I think this was my way out but I was a coward about it. I stayed and fell into the "Good Wife" role, ignoring the fact that I was unhappy because I thought guilt outweighed unhappiness. By year 4, I had cheated again and vowed never to tell my husband, never to do it again and if I did...it wouldn't be cheating because I would be a single woman. I obviously didn't want to be here. He found out about a year later. In year 5 we had a baby (I had gotten back into "Guilty Good Wife" routine).
By year 6, I had had enough of trying and by year 7, we were divorced. This relationship was mentally draining and I had built up some emotional walls to help me stay in a relationship I didn't want to be in. I am afraid emotionally and physically, I will take these problems into my next relationship. Since I have been a single woman (Since Feb 08), I have gotten to do a lot of the things I didn't allow myself to do because I was married so young. I have found them to be fun but not fulfilling. I have also found that when trying to be in a new relationship, I cheat. I have found myself juggling 3 guys at a time.
This guy I am with now, he was my friend first and heard the stories about the other guys. We were finally intimate after 8 months of friendship. It was great but soon after, I fell into old habits. The first month we were together, I cheated twice. The problem could be that I never considered myself his girlfriend. I have been faithful for months two and three but find myself asking the question why...I do not want to be anyone's wife right now but I also do not want several partners. I would like one guy but I do not want to feel caged in. So far, in this new relationship, he has found naughty text messages between me and a guy I was with before him and I lied about something small and told him right away.
What is wrong with me? Maybe I just do not want to be in a relationship or maybe he just is not the one. I am thinking that when the one comes I will know but I hope that when the one comes, I am not too busy looking behind him trying to figure if he is the one to notice. Or maybe I am not ready so soon after my divorce to date. I just don't know how to work on the issues in my backpack from my marriage. Zane, what do you think?
Signed,
Am I Ready
Dear Am I Ready,
I believe that you need to take time to heal after your divorce. Even though you were the one constantly cheating, your ex-husband was a part of your life for a long time. As far as you sleeping with all of these men, it almost seems like some sort of defense mechanism, even during your marriage. It is almost as if you feel, deep down inside, that as long as you are not totally committed to one man, you somehow have the upper hand in a relationship.
I am not suggesting that it is against the rules for a single woman to date several men and exercise her options. The problem with you is that you want to be in a relationship but still roam. This is a reversal of the way a lot of men think. Men will be dating more than one woman at a time but lead each one to believe they are the only one. That way, they believe that all the women will be monogamous with them, even though they are fucking around. They cannot deal with the thought of their women bedding other men. Your plight seems similar. You want a man to be with only you but you want to have a sense of freedom and the ability to step out, if you want. You say that you do not want to sleep with various men and you also do not want to feel caged in. You have no idea what you really want and there is no rush. Take your time. You have not even been single a year.
As for your current man, you two may be better off remaining friends. Tell him that even though you have been intimate for three months, in all fairness, you are not ready to make a commitment and you do not want to ruin your friendship. Otherwise you are stirring up a recipe for disaster.
Blessings,
Zane
Am I A Lesbian Or Not?
Dear Zane,
I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I have been reading your books since September of last year. My mother is the reason that I discovered your books in the first place. She had "Skyscraper" on her dresser, I picked it up and the rest is history.
I have been a sensual and sexual girl ever since I can remember. I am fascinated with sex, sexual relations and such. I was sexually molested when I was thirteen and it ended when I was sixteen. I do not have any trauma related to that; it only increased my sexual awareness. So have your books.
I think that your books have helped me in a huge way to direct me in the right path. I thank you very much for that. Once, I was ashamed of my knowledge and now, I am not. I am coming into my own, which leads me to this: I have just read "Purple Panties" and "Honey Flava", and what was very interesting...I was getting hotter to "Purple Panties" more than I was to "Honey Flava." I would masturbate to "Purple Panties" more, and I was touched (emotionally) by "Purple Panties" more. I am straight....or at least I thought I was. Do you think that I am bi-sexual? I came to you b/c I can't discuss this with my mother. She is constantly asking if I am Gay and I say I am not, and she also hates it if I defend Gay People, we get in the most awful arguments. Zane, I am confused and I just want to know what you think about my situation b/c I will be going out into the big world very soon, and I would like this to have more clarity than what it is now. Thank you so much, Zane
Signed,
Seeking Guidance
Dear Seeking Guidance,
"Purple Panties" is a hot and imaginative book, period, no matter what a person's sexual orientation is. However, it is possible that you are bisexual. Since you have not acted upon it though, that remains to be seen. You are still young and exploring and discovering yourself. That is perfectly normal and I would not be concerned…about that.
I am concerned about your sexual molestation for three years and while you say that you have not suffered any trauma from it, I would suggest that you do talk to someone about it. You are young and something like that can have lifelong ramifications when it comes to sexual understanding and freedom. I would hate to see you, several years down the road, trying to cope with the past because you attempted to play so nonchalant about it now. If your molester was female, that could have something to do with you being bi-curious. My assumption is that your molester was male though. That also could be the reason why you are more turned on by the thought of being with females or rather, the thought of not being with men.
Your mother has her hang-ups about gays and you have to live with it. Everyone is a culmination of everything they have ever been taught or experienced. Even though homosexuality is more much accepted in today's society than the past, it will never be embraced by everyone. That is simply not going to happen.
Take care of you and seriously consider talking to someone about what happened, even if it is a guidance counselor at school.
Blessings,
Zane
I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I have been reading your books since September of last year. My mother is the reason that I discovered your books in the first place. She had "Skyscraper" on her dresser, I picked it up and the rest is history.
I have been a sensual and sexual girl ever since I can remember. I am fascinated with sex, sexual relations and such. I was sexually molested when I was thirteen and it ended when I was sixteen. I do not have any trauma related to that; it only increased my sexual awareness. So have your books.
I think that your books have helped me in a huge way to direct me in the right path. I thank you very much for that. Once, I was ashamed of my knowledge and now, I am not. I am coming into my own, which leads me to this: I have just read "Purple Panties" and "Honey Flava", and what was very interesting...I was getting hotter to "Purple Panties" more than I was to "Honey Flava." I would masturbate to "Purple Panties" more, and I was touched (emotionally) by "Purple Panties" more. I am straight....or at least I thought I was. Do you think that I am bi-sexual? I came to you b/c I can't discuss this with my mother. She is constantly asking if I am Gay and I say I am not, and she also hates it if I defend Gay People, we get in the most awful arguments. Zane, I am confused and I just want to know what you think about my situation b/c I will be going out into the big world very soon, and I would like this to have more clarity than what it is now. Thank you so much, Zane
Signed,
Seeking Guidance
Dear Seeking Guidance,
"Purple Panties" is a hot and imaginative book, period, no matter what a person's sexual orientation is. However, it is possible that you are bisexual. Since you have not acted upon it though, that remains to be seen. You are still young and exploring and discovering yourself. That is perfectly normal and I would not be concerned…about that.
I am concerned about your sexual molestation for three years and while you say that you have not suffered any trauma from it, I would suggest that you do talk to someone about it. You are young and something like that can have lifelong ramifications when it comes to sexual understanding and freedom. I would hate to see you, several years down the road, trying to cope with the past because you attempted to play so nonchalant about it now. If your molester was female, that could have something to do with you being bi-curious. My assumption is that your molester was male though. That also could be the reason why you are more turned on by the thought of being with females or rather, the thought of not being with men.
Your mother has her hang-ups about gays and you have to live with it. Everyone is a culmination of everything they have ever been taught or experienced. Even though homosexuality is more much accepted in today's society than the past, it will never be embraced by everyone. That is simply not going to happen.
Take care of you and seriously consider talking to someone about what happened, even if it is a guidance counselor at school.
Blessings,
Zane
Running Back to Mr. Wrong
Dear Zane,
Let me first say that I love reading your novels. They make me feel like I am right there in the situations. On a more personal level, I need your advice. I am a 22-year-old single mother who just moved from Virginia to Washington State to get away from all the drama. I feel that I am doing really well in my life and I do not hate being single. It seems like I attract nothing but pure assholes. When I am with someone, I put my all into them, wanting the best for them and being completely supportive. I do not do all the drama stuff because I left that alone when I was in high school.
What makes matter worse is that as soon as I have a falling out with a guy I go straight back to my baby's daddy, who has stated on several different occasions that he does not want to be with me. I know that he truly loves me. I am so confused. At this point, I feel like I am going to be single forever. I know that the right person is out there for me but I am so afraid to open up again; they all end up disappointing me. At the same time I have always given every guy a fair chance because I do not want to put my past on them. So how do I know when I have met my match, or am I destined to be alone?
Signed,
One Lonely Woman
Dear One Lonely Woman,
Your major issue is this constant running back to the father of your child, who tells you that he does not want you. Yet, you claim that he loves you. He might very well love you and feel a bond toward you but there are a lot of people who love one another but cannot be in a healthy relationship due to other factors. Trust me, I know from personal experience. There are men who I know for a fact are in love with me but I could never be with them again. One run at a toxic relationship is enough. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only thing you need to share with him is parenting it will be difficult to establish ties with someone else.
You say that as soon as there is trouble with a new man, you run back to him, as if he is some ultimate prize and you are comparing every other man to the one who got away. You have to stop that behavior because, despite what you say, you are not giving new men a fair chance.
You are only twenty-two and forever is a long time. There is no reason to assume that you will be alone forever. You moved to get a fresh start so make a fresh start, minus still relying on your ex for anything other than caring for his child.
Blessings,
Zane
Let me first say that I love reading your novels. They make me feel like I am right there in the situations. On a more personal level, I need your advice. I am a 22-year-old single mother who just moved from Virginia to Washington State to get away from all the drama. I feel that I am doing really well in my life and I do not hate being single. It seems like I attract nothing but pure assholes. When I am with someone, I put my all into them, wanting the best for them and being completely supportive. I do not do all the drama stuff because I left that alone when I was in high school.
What makes matter worse is that as soon as I have a falling out with a guy I go straight back to my baby's daddy, who has stated on several different occasions that he does not want to be with me. I know that he truly loves me. I am so confused. At this point, I feel like I am going to be single forever. I know that the right person is out there for me but I am so afraid to open up again; they all end up disappointing me. At the same time I have always given every guy a fair chance because I do not want to put my past on them. So how do I know when I have met my match, or am I destined to be alone?
Signed,
One Lonely Woman
Dear One Lonely Woman,
Your major issue is this constant running back to the father of your child, who tells you that he does not want you. Yet, you claim that he loves you. He might very well love you and feel a bond toward you but there are a lot of people who love one another but cannot be in a healthy relationship due to other factors. Trust me, I know from personal experience. There are men who I know for a fact are in love with me but I could never be with them again. One run at a toxic relationship is enough. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only thing you need to share with him is parenting it will be difficult to establish ties with someone else.
You say that as soon as there is trouble with a new man, you run back to him, as if he is some ultimate prize and you are comparing every other man to the one who got away. You have to stop that behavior because, despite what you say, you are not giving new men a fair chance.
You are only twenty-two and forever is a long time. There is no reason to assume that you will be alone forever. You moved to get a fresh start so make a fresh start, minus still relying on your ex for anything other than caring for his child.
Blessings,
Zane
Should Stella Get Her Groove Back?
Dear Zane,
My situation could really be a future book. I do not believe that I have lost my groove but could this be? I am going to make this short and sweet but I can give more details.
I am a 28-year-old urban professional, living and attending graduate school in Washington. DC. I have been "talking" to one of my former high school interns. I work with students and this young man interned in my office during spring break and in the summer. I was in denial about our chemistry until last week. I always thought he was a cutie, but I think that about young people who I predict will grow up to be attractive men and women. But I have NEVER been attracted to a young person that I work with until now. The young man is a highly decorated scholar, finishing second in his class. He has concrete plans to become an engineer and attend an Ivy league university for graduate school. I am most attracted to his intelligence and drive to become successful, but his maturity is quite appealing.
We are considering becoming intimate and considering dating. Do you think I am crazy? Can this really work?
Signed,
Stella
Dear Stella,
It is interesting because I had a conversation regarding this on a radio show earlier this week. To me, the age difference in dating becomes less significant with age. For you to be twenty-eight and contemplating dating an eighteen year old, no matter how matter he may appear, seems inappropriate to me. Chances are that it will be a short-lived experience because he is a man-child whose dick is going to point him in all kinds of directions, especially when he is in school with a bunch of young, horny coeds. I can see why he would welcome the experience with you though. What young man would not?
On your side, while I can understand your admiring his determination and intelligence, dating and having sex with him should not be on your radar. If you want to run the risk of a simple fuck, make sure you check his I.D. because they will lock you up, especially since you met him in a professional capacity. That in itself makes the situation too risky. You were entrusted with this young man at a school and to start getting busy with him now sets you up for all sorts of drama and possible legal action.
If I were you, I would leave well enough alone and wish him well in his educational endeavors.
Blessings,
Zane
My situation could really be a future book. I do not believe that I have lost my groove but could this be? I am going to make this short and sweet but I can give more details.
I am a 28-year-old urban professional, living and attending graduate school in Washington. DC. I have been "talking" to one of my former high school interns. I work with students and this young man interned in my office during spring break and in the summer. I was in denial about our chemistry until last week. I always thought he was a cutie, but I think that about young people who I predict will grow up to be attractive men and women. But I have NEVER been attracted to a young person that I work with until now. The young man is a highly decorated scholar, finishing second in his class. He has concrete plans to become an engineer and attend an Ivy league university for graduate school. I am most attracted to his intelligence and drive to become successful, but his maturity is quite appealing.
We are considering becoming intimate and considering dating. Do you think I am crazy? Can this really work?
Signed,
Stella
Dear Stella,
It is interesting because I had a conversation regarding this on a radio show earlier this week. To me, the age difference in dating becomes less significant with age. For you to be twenty-eight and contemplating dating an eighteen year old, no matter how matter he may appear, seems inappropriate to me. Chances are that it will be a short-lived experience because he is a man-child whose dick is going to point him in all kinds of directions, especially when he is in school with a bunch of young, horny coeds. I can see why he would welcome the experience with you though. What young man would not?
On your side, while I can understand your admiring his determination and intelligence, dating and having sex with him should not be on your radar. If you want to run the risk of a simple fuck, make sure you check his I.D. because they will lock you up, especially since you met him in a professional capacity. That in itself makes the situation too risky. You were entrusted with this young man at a school and to start getting busy with him now sets you up for all sorts of drama and possible legal action.
If I were you, I would leave well enough alone and wish him well in his educational endeavors.
Blessings,
Zane
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear Zane,
I'm lonely, have always been a sensual person... But I'm addicted to that "special" connection. I look in his eyes and want to, but I've always needed something more, something deep and fun and real... above all. Should I just let loose and try it for once? Or, should I hold my ground and wait for him to show he wants more than a physical connection? Hell, even that he just wants a good solid friendship. I just don't want to feel for him, then feel used and tossed aside.
Signed,
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear I Want to Sleep With Him,
You have a common dilemma. You have a natural attraction to men but you do not feel comfortable with the thought of participating in casual sex. Not that you need love but you want to at least know that he cares. There are many women who go through life with the same philosophy. As you get older, that feeling will surely increase. What you should do is a lot of soul searching and decide if the lust you feel for this particular man outweighs waiting it out to see if something more intense can develop over time. But unless he has given you vibes that he wants a relationship, do not have any expectations of more than sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I'm lonely, have always been a sensual person... But I'm addicted to that "special" connection. I look in his eyes and want to, but I've always needed something more, something deep and fun and real... above all. Should I just let loose and try it for once? Or, should I hold my ground and wait for him to show he wants more than a physical connection? Hell, even that he just wants a good solid friendship. I just don't want to feel for him, then feel used and tossed aside.
Signed,
I Want to Sleep With Him
Dear I Want to Sleep With Him,
You have a common dilemma. You have a natural attraction to men but you do not feel comfortable with the thought of participating in casual sex. Not that you need love but you want to at least know that he cares. There are many women who go through life with the same philosophy. As you get older, that feeling will surely increase. What you should do is a lot of soul searching and decide if the lust you feel for this particular man outweighs waiting it out to see if something more intense can develop over time. But unless he has given you vibes that he wants a relationship, do not have any expectations of more than sex.
Blessings,
Zane
I Don't Know
Dear Zane,
I need your advice. Usually I don’t let my heart get involved in relationships because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s just not for me. Over the summer, I met this girl and, long story short, I feel in love. At first, I didn’t take us seriously and had other females that I was talking to, but it was just talking. I wasn’t sexually involved with any of them. She found out and I think that was when she lost most of her trust in me.
Three months into our relationship, she went to Texas to visit her “best friend.” I didn’t really want her to go because I think her best friend was the reason she and her last girlfriend broke up. She asked me if I didn’t want her to go and I said it didn’t matter because I didn’t want it to seem like I was jealous. I mean, I kind of was jealous but not really. When she was out there, she went to comment on one of my pictures and saw that my ex had commented, saying all this stuff, acting like we were still together or messing around when we weren’t. After she read that, she cheated on me with her best friend. After all of that, we ended up breaking up.
But it confused the hell out of me because now she believes me but she has already moved to Texas with old girl. She’s telling me that she loves her but she is in love with me. Is that even possible? She wants to still be with me but she has to be with her because they live together. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a problem being the other chick because that’s just less relationship stuff that I have to deal with, but I cannot do it with her. I actually do love this girl. It hurts that someone else has her and I can’t. I want to let her go but it hurts, knowing that if I let her go, I won’t even have a piece of her in my life. What do I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Know
Dear I Don’t Know,
You really have limited options here. The woman that you love made a decision, on her own, to move to Texas to be with another woman. Until she makes another decision to move away from here, there is nothing for you to do. You can continue to talk to her, pine for her affection, knowing that it is not going to happen. You can sneak around with her when she comes back to visit and have an unfulfilling relationship. Or you can let the entire situation go and move on.
There is no difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, no matter how many people try to say otherwise. You should not be content with sharing women, even though that is your norm. I understand wanting to protect your heart but we all must put our hearts on the line to find the real thing. Also, no matter how much we want to say that we can refrain from developing feelings for someone, what is meant to be will be.
You and this young lady have some trust issues, based upon what you said. She jumped to conclusions and decided to cheat with her best friend, starting a butterfly effect that is now hard to reverse. If she really loves you like she says, only she can rectify things. It is possible to love someone and be in love with someone else. Since the other woman was her best friend, that makes sense because I love my best friends but I am not in love with them.
I do not even think you should wait this one out. Do not put your life on hold for another person; any person. She is living with someone. That leaves you ass out and you should not accept that.
Blessings,
Zane
I need your advice. Usually I don’t let my heart get involved in relationships because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s just not for me. Over the summer, I met this girl and, long story short, I feel in love. At first, I didn’t take us seriously and had other females that I was talking to, but it was just talking. I wasn’t sexually involved with any of them. She found out and I think that was when she lost most of her trust in me.
Three months into our relationship, she went to Texas to visit her “best friend.” I didn’t really want her to go because I think her best friend was the reason she and her last girlfriend broke up. She asked me if I didn’t want her to go and I said it didn’t matter because I didn’t want it to seem like I was jealous. I mean, I kind of was jealous but not really. When she was out there, she went to comment on one of my pictures and saw that my ex had commented, saying all this stuff, acting like we were still together or messing around when we weren’t. After she read that, she cheated on me with her best friend. After all of that, we ended up breaking up.
But it confused the hell out of me because now she believes me but she has already moved to Texas with old girl. She’s telling me that she loves her but she is in love with me. Is that even possible? She wants to still be with me but she has to be with her because they live together. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a problem being the other chick because that’s just less relationship stuff that I have to deal with, but I cannot do it with her. I actually do love this girl. It hurts that someone else has her and I can’t. I want to let her go but it hurts, knowing that if I let her go, I won’t even have a piece of her in my life. What do I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Know
Dear I Don’t Know,
You really have limited options here. The woman that you love made a decision, on her own, to move to Texas to be with another woman. Until she makes another decision to move away from here, there is nothing for you to do. You can continue to talk to her, pine for her affection, knowing that it is not going to happen. You can sneak around with her when she comes back to visit and have an unfulfilling relationship. Or you can let the entire situation go and move on.
There is no difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, no matter how many people try to say otherwise. You should not be content with sharing women, even though that is your norm. I understand wanting to protect your heart but we all must put our hearts on the line to find the real thing. Also, no matter how much we want to say that we can refrain from developing feelings for someone, what is meant to be will be.
You and this young lady have some trust issues, based upon what you said. She jumped to conclusions and decided to cheat with her best friend, starting a butterfly effect that is now hard to reverse. If she really loves you like she says, only she can rectify things. It is possible to love someone and be in love with someone else. Since the other woman was her best friend, that makes sense because I love my best friends but I am not in love with them.
I do not even think you should wait this one out. Do not put your life on hold for another person; any person. She is living with someone. That leaves you ass out and you should not accept that.
Blessings,
Zane
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